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closeobserver
12-24-2007, 01:35 PM
This post has the potential to be taken the wrong way, so please read with an open mind. Let me first state that I don't feel in any way that Stacy deserved her fate, which could be interpreted from this. My hope is that someone reading this, or following this case, may learn from history.

It appears to me from everything that has been reported (if 90% of what has been written it true) that Stacy knew the night of Kathy's murder that Drew was responsible. At that point, she had a choice to make...turn him in, or live with the lie and become an accessory to it. Granted, it could have been in part out of fear that she went along with it. Perhaps too, she was too blinded by love to turn against Drew. Or, it was the feeling that they would get away with it and that her new life of gifts, stability (perhaps falsely believed), and money was worth the risk.

Certainly in hindsight, I'm sure that she could see that once involved, it was impossible to get out with her life. Or, she thought that to get out, she would have to admit and confess her involvement. (AGAIN, I'm not suggesting that she knew Drew was going to kill Kathy, but once she agreed to be an alibi, she broke the law and could go to prison for her actions.) Why else didn't she go to the FBI. I think Stacy wanted out, but Drew couldn't trust her to keep the secret, so He killed her.

The lesson to learn is that you should always do what is right, even if it isn't easy. Allowing yourself to become an accessory, even if a reluctant one, will never end well. I wish Stacy could have realized that once a person is willing to commit one murder, that there is nothing they will stop at to hide it, even killing again. Also, that if Drew could kill someone that he once loved, that there is something definitely wrong with that person. That kind of action will continue to eat away at his morality.

It would have been difficult for her to come forward at that time, but it would have been the best in the long run. I think the FBI would have given her protection.

I believe that Stacy was probably genuinely a good person, who first found a way out of a difficult family life, but then thrown into a worse situation by Drew's act of killing Kathleen. It must have been so difficult for her to decide what to do. Ultimately, she made the wrong decision to support a murderer. I don't know how she could have loved him knowing what he did.

No, she didn't deserve her fate, but she might have been able to avoid it early on. So sad.

Having said that, we can all look at ourselves and see things in our past that we did that was wrong. Fortunately for most people, our mistakes don't always result in such tragedy. Her decision was made quickly, and irrationally, and unfortunately, once made, there was no going back.

I pray she made it right with God. I believe she did from what I've read.
Taximom
12-24-2007, 01:45 PM
I know what you are saying, closeobserver. I think these decisions are made even more difficult when you are young, and really have no place to go. He was on the police force and I imagine she felt too afraid to do anything about it. I really think things might have been different if there weren't children involved.

I do hope all this attention is doing some good somewhere with anyone else facing these problems.

If anything, I think family members are keeping better watch on their loved ones with all these horrible crimes in the news. I believe the publicity these types of cases generate has helped a new generation. Cassandra was really on top of it even though it ended this way. Sad to say, but Stacy's disappearance and Kathleen's death may help someone else in the world escape this sad end.
mysteriew
12-24-2007, 01:46 PM
There are many lessons to be learned here. Agreed that if you are aware of murder being committed, no matter who committed it including the person you love- your best bet is to turn that info over to police.

But also if you are in an abusive, violent or controlling relationship the safest thing to do is to first get out. Then you can let the other know and say why by telephone or letter. But always get into a safe place first.

Most people feel that to be 'fair' they feel they much have a confrontation with the person first and explain their reasoning for leaving. But 'fair' left the relationship with fear entered it.

So you leave first, then you let them know. And if harrassment, stalking or other problems follow then you make police reports, you insist on charges and you get a restraining order and go into hiding.
Vegas Bride
12-24-2007, 03:10 PM
Oprah had a show the other week that was about abuse, she stressed how important it was to first have a plan when you were wanting to get out.
IMO it's possible Stacy could have gotten away from Drew but only if she had kept it secret from him and acted as if everything was normal.

DrewP began a trap for Stacy as soon as he found her IMO, it was no accident that he got her pregnant so quick, he wanted her tied to him and totally dependent. And like many other women, they mistakenly believe that the man they love would never treat them like they have an ex. I'm sure also that Stacy wanted to take care of all the children and what would happen to them all if their father was arrested for murder?

There are to many women who mistakenly fall for someone who is an abuser and manipulator, not all are at the level I believe DrewP is. The young woman DrewP was engaged to earlier who broke it off was able to recognise the signs early enough and get out. He reportedly tomrented her for a long time afterwards but getting out like she did saved her. Stacy was not so lucky. I do wonder also if Stacy ever early on tried to seperate from him? Why did she chose to stay with him? I believe her family did try to get her to call it off but to no avail.

With DrewP being a police officer, who would Stacy have felt she could go to without it getting back to DrewP? Kathleen tried in many ways to get help and we all know what happened to her.

If there is any silver lining at all to this whole nightmare, it will be that in learning Stacy's story, some other young woman may understand better who not to let into her life and become a victim.

VB
chicoliving
12-24-2007, 03:14 PM
I think Stacy had a safe plan and it went to crap that Sunday morning. It sounds like she had already taken steps...talked to someone about renting a house, appt with divorce lawyer, new phone/new number.
Vegas Bride
12-24-2007, 03:22 PM
I think Stacy had a safe plan and it went to crap that Sunday morning. It sounds like she had already taken steps...talked to someone about renting a house, appt with divorce lawyer, new phone/new number.

Yes she was making plans, but also DrewP was aware of her wanting to leave, the wheels began turning and he also started making plans How I wish Stacy had gone to see a lawyer and told them everything before DrewP ever got wind of it. It's been said that he asked her to wait until he retired before leaving, IMO he just wanted to buy time to take care of his problem.

VB
TGIRecovered
12-24-2007, 03:22 PM
You did a nice job on that post, close!

I thank God for all of the times I could have become a statistic due to my own poor judgement.

Predators like DrewP have an instinct for picking out the lost sheep. He will be held accountable sooner or later.

Merry Christmas!

Susan
TGIRecovered
12-24-2007, 03:27 PM
It's been said that he asked her to wait until he retired before leaving, IMO he just wanted to buy time to take care of his problem.

VB


Yup, he was just waiting for the right time to pounce. The scumbag spent weeks, if not longer, anticipating the kill. Like an animal stalking it's prey.
SeriouslySearching
12-24-2007, 03:27 PM
I think Stacy had a safe plan and it went to crap that Sunday morning. It sounds like she had already taken steps...talked to someone about renting a house, appt with divorce lawyer, new phone/new number.I agree. I think she had been talking to someone who was aware of abuse and helped her think along those lines...or who knows...maybe she watched Dr. Phil or Oprah. It did sound like she was in the midst of a plan that went horribly wrong tho.

For anyone who is trying to take such steps to get out, one important thing to keep in mind is to remain in contol of your emotions and be extra cautious of what you say during heated arguments. Because women are feeling somewhat empowered by the things they are setting into motion, sometimes they will blurt them out during a fight.

This is a good thread, Close!
MysteryAddict
12-24-2007, 05:30 PM
This post has the potential to be taken the wrong way, so please read with an open mind. Let me first state that I don't feel in any way that Stacy deserved her fate, which could be interpreted from this. My hope is that someone reading this, or following this case, may learn from history.

It appears to me from everything that has been reported (if 90% of what has been written it true) that Stacy knew the night of Kathy's murder that Drew was responsible. At that point, she had a choice to make...turn him in, or live with the lie and become an accessory to it. Granted, it could have been in part out of fear that she went along with it. Perhaps too, she was too blinded by love to turn against Drew. Or, it was the feeling that they would get away with it and that her new life of gifts, stability (perhaps falsely believed), and money was worth the risk.

Certainly in hindsight, I'm sure that she could see that once involved, it was impossible to get out with her life. Or, she thought that to get out, she would have to admit and confess her involvement. (AGAIN, I'm not suggesting that she knew Drew was going to kill Kathy, but once she agreed to be an alibi, she broke the law and could go to prison for her actions.) Why else didn't she go to the FBI. I think Stacy wanted out, but Drew couldn't trust her to keep the secret, so He killed her.

The lesson to learn is that you should always do what is right, even if it isn't easy. Allowing yourself to become an accessory, even if a reluctant one, will never end well. I wish Stacy could have realized that once a person is willing to commit one murder, that there is nothing they will stop at to hide it, even killing again. Also, that if Drew could kill someone that he once loved, that there is something definitely wrong with that person. That kind of action will continue to eat away at his morality.

It would have been difficult for her to come forward at that time, but it would have been the best in the long run. I think the FBI would have given her protection.

I believe that Stacy was probably genuinely a good person, who first found a way out of a difficult family life, but then thrown into a worse situation by Drew's act of killing Kathleen. It must have been so difficult for her to decide what to do. Ultimately, she made the wrong decision to support a murderer. I don't know how she could have loved him knowing what he did.

No, she didn't deserve her fate, but she might have been able to avoid it early on. So sad.

Having said that, we can all look at ourselves and see things in our past that we did that was wrong. Fortunately for most people, our mistakes don't always result in such tragedy. Her decision was made quickly, and irrationally, and unfortunately, once made, there was no going back.

I pray she made it right with God. I believe she did from what I've read.

Such wisdom in this post!

At some time we have all made mistakes and fallen short of our best ideals,
but thank God it has not cost us our lives!
concernedperson
12-24-2007, 05:52 PM
I was just lucky mine didn't end up in death. I was very young and very inexperienced and believed that love could conquer all. It can't if you are the one on the giving end and the receiving end loves to throw punches. A skull fracture and the means to exit was my solution but I paid a price for that too.

I really had no support but an inner core feeling that if I didn't get out my children and I would be the dead result. I worry that some wouldn't acknowledge the core feeling after being abused...either physically or mentally or emotionally.

As far as reporting, it would take a very brave soul with an inner core feeling to do this as experience hasn't caught up with the young person. If there were people who were much more powerful involved a person could feel impotent against the system and you don't have to be a kid to know this.

In any case, we can assume that Stacy made the wrong decision on how to get away. Drew made the all knowing decision on how to play this. And, Stacy isn't here to speak for herself.
mysteriew
12-24-2007, 06:32 PM
If someone is in this type of situation most women feel very alone and powerless. They may feel the abuser is all powerful. They may feel foolish for all of the times they defended/excused the other person. They may feel that if they reach out to family, they will endanger them. They may feel that because they got themselves in that mess alone that they have to leave it alone.

But the best way to get out is to reach out to a domestic violence agency, even if they do not plan on going to a shelter. The agency does much more than providing a shelter. They have experience in thinking of all the safety precautions and some also can help to evaluate the abuse situation and determine the safest way for the person to leave, what they should take with them, what resources are available to help in their community and all the other things you have to think of if you are trying to leave an abusive or controlling relationship. They should be the first call after the decision is made to leave.
curiositycat
12-24-2007, 06:34 PM
Well, I know a lot of us have been feeling this way deep down inside.

From my own life I can say this "We get too soon oldt and too late schmart"

The way I see this is that Stacy was darned if she did and darned if she didn't.

She knew too much to ever get "away" clean from DP.

If I could tell young women one thing it would be this "If he abused another woman he will abuse you" When we are young we tend to think "But, he LOVES me" It's not about the woman, any woman it's about a man who is just doing what to him, for what ever reason, feels normal.;)
mysteriew
12-24-2007, 06:42 PM
Well said CC!
SeriouslySearching
12-24-2007, 06:44 PM
Abuse never equates to love which some women don't understand until much later after they are out of the situation and safe. It is about control and power, never about love.
curiositycat
12-24-2007, 08:00 PM
Abuse never equates to love which some women don't understand until much later after they are out of the situation and safe. It is about control and power, never about love.

:clap::clap:
You've got that right. It hurts like the devil when the one who is supposed to have loved and cherished you hurts you. Sounds like a commercial but it's so true "Love is not supposed to hurt"
Leila
12-25-2007, 02:34 AM
Closeobserver,
I agree with your post regarding the mistakes Stacy made, and yes, if Stacy knew within hours of the crime that was committed she was technically an accessory to the crime.

There's a lot of factors that probably went into the decision to remain silent in the face of DP murdering Kathleen. Stacy was first and foremost, very young. She was newly married with a small child, and in all likelihood, DP frightened her by telling her that he was a police officer and knew the law......that she would be punished with a lengthy jail term as an accessory. Stacy probably didn't know what to do, and remained silent.

I think that as Stacy matured and began to understand how controlling and manipulative DP was, she learned to fear him. She was remorseful over remaining silent, which prompted her to confide in the pastor.

I wish Stacy had written down what happened the night Kathleen had died, and had given that letter to someone to be opened in case something happened to her. Perhaps if she had done that, and when she told DP she wanted a divorce and that the letter existed in safe hands, and that if anything happened to her the letter would be made public, she would have survived.
ThoughtFox
12-25-2007, 03:47 AM
In Stacy's case, she was very young and undoubtedly naive, so when the murder happened, she was hardly prepared to deal with it. A teenager from a troubled home just isn't going to have the ethical background that someone older and more stable might have. She knew right from wrong, obviously, but she also trusted Drew and I doubt he told her all the particulars.

And how could she be sure the FBI would believe her story, and not Drew's? He was a 30-year police officer, while she was just a young girl. And as it turned out, Drew got away with Kathleen's murder, even though her body was bruised and she "drowned" in an empty bathtub. :doh: So Stacy might have rationalized that if the police in that town were going to let Drew get away with it, there was no one else to turn to. So I think she tried to get what happiness she could, even though the burden of Kathleen's death hung over them.

I'm not saying that is "right" or "good," but people can become mixed up in things and over their heads before they know what is happening. Drew held all the cards because he was a powerful local cop who knew everyone, and it kept paying off for him. They swept Kathleen's death away as an "accident," and Stacy suppressed the whole thing until she realized her own life was in danger, and then she tried to reach out, but it was nearly too late.

If women really could learn from such stories, we wouldn't read about this happening over and over again. :( Oprah has been showing women the way out for years, but people are ruled more by fear than logic. It takes a strong person to walk away from an abusive relationship, but Stacy might not have had that sort of strength. Clearly, she paid the ultimate price for waiting so long.

Stacy wasn't an "innocent" victim, and she was trying her best to escape the evil in her life. Drew was watching her every move, and she probably feared for her children, so I think they became her top priority. He might have threatened to do something to them, for all we know. She probably knew other things about Drew that might help this investigation - sadly, that is why he killed her.
closeobserver
12-25-2007, 09:06 AM
In Stacy's case, she was very young and undoubtedly naive, so when the murder happened, she was hardly prepared to deal with it. A teenager from a troubled home just isn't going to have the ethical background that someone older and more stable might have. She knew right from wrong, obviously, but she also trusted Drew and I doubt he told her all the particulars.

And how could she be sure the FBI would believe her story, and not Drew's? He was a 30-year police officer, while she was just a young girl. And as it turned out, Drew got away with Kathleen's murder, even though her body was bruised and she "drowned" in an empty bathtub. :doh: So Stacy might have rationalized that if the police in that town were going to let Drew get away with it, there was no one else to turn to. So I think she tried to get what happiness she could, even though the burden of Kathleen's death hung over them.

I'm not saying that is "right" or "good," but people can become mixed up in things and over their heads before they know what is happening. Drew held all the cards because he was a powerful local cop who knew everyone, and it kept paying off for him. They swept Kathleen's death away as an "accident," and Stacy suppressed the whole thing until she realized her own life was in danger, and then she tried to reach out, but it was nearly too late.

If women really could learn from such stories, we wouldn't read about this happening over and over again. :( Oprah has been showing women the way out for years, but people are ruled more by fear than logic. It takes a strong person to walk away from an abusive relationship, but Stacy might not have had that sort of strength. Clearly, she paid the ultimate price for waiting so long.

Stacy wasn't an "innocent" victim, and she was trying her best to escape the evil in her life. Drew was watching her every move, and she probably feared for her children, so I think they became her top priority. He might have threatened to do something to them, for all we know. She probably knew other things about Drew that might help this investigation - sadly, that is why he killed her.
Stacy's story is a sad one. She had a rough family life, then she got swept off her feet by a (comparatively) wealthy carismatic man, who was willing to buy her things she never dreamed of having. Then when faced with this tragic situation, she was given perhaps 24 hours to decide what to do. Without a good background, or support system to lean on, she made the choice to hold on to what she had, which she thought was good.

No doubt Drew was able to manipulate her into his web. Once in, he had complete control over her. On the other hand, Drew was probably raised in a home with no respect towards women, because that is the trait he carried into his adult life. The only difference is that he was old enough to know better and make his own decisions on morality.
richandfamous
12-25-2007, 10:03 AM
we women always think that "he" would never do that to me because he "loves" me. Women who "love" men in prison for murder think with the same mentality. Women think that if they just love "him" enough he will be "fixed" and able to love them back.

good gawd almighty

And this is the best thread on the case! It is the one that looks honestly at how this happens time and time again.

Great posts!
SeriouslySearching
12-25-2007, 11:32 AM
I wish Stacy had written down what happened the night Kathleen had died, and had given that letter to someone to be opened in case something happened to her. Perhaps if she had done that, and when she told DP she wanted a divorce and that the letter existed in safe hands, and that if anything happened to her the letter would be made public, she would have survived.The key point of that statement is obvious and a valid one. As much as we are learning about DP, blackmailing him in return for her life would have been worth it (or would it have been extortion?).

I do think Stacy had a Journal where she kept many details of her life. I either think it has not been found or that DP did destroy it as intimated by Ric Mims. If only LE had been smart enough to take his trash and piece together anything that was shredded in that house after she disappeared...:cool:
Elphaba
12-26-2007, 09:40 AM
Good post, closeobserver... you put in print what quite a few of us have been thinking.
thesleuther
12-26-2007, 02:35 PM
In Stacy's case, she was very young and undoubtedly naive, so when the murder happened, she was hardly prepared to deal with it. A teenager from a troubled home just isn't going to have the ethical background that someone older and more stable might have. She knew right from wrong, obviously, but she also trusted Drew and I doubt he told her all the particulars.

And how could she be sure the FBI would believe her story, and not Drew's? He was a 30-year police officer, while she was just a young girl. And as it turned out, Drew got away with Kathleen's murder, even though her body was bruised and she "drowned" in an empty bathtub. :doh: So Stacy might have rationalized that if the police in that town were going to let Drew get away with it, there was no one else to turn to. So I think she tried to get what happiness she could, even though the burden of Kathleen's death hung over them.

I'm not saying that is "right" or "good," but people can become mixed up in things and over their heads before they know what is happening. Drew held all the cards because he was a powerful local cop who knew everyone, and it kept paying off for him. They swept Kathleen's death away as an "accident," and Stacy suppressed the whole thing until she realized her own life was in danger, and then she tried to reach out, but it was nearly too late.

If women really could learn from such stories, we wouldn't read about this happening over and over again. :( Oprah has been showing women the way out for years, but people are ruled more by fear than logic. It takes a strong person to walk away from an abusive relationship, but Stacy might not have had that sort of strength. Clearly, she paid the ultimate price for waiting so long.

Stacy wasn't an "innocent" victim, and she was trying her best to escape the evil in her life. Drew was watching her every move, and she probably feared for her children, so I think they became her top priority. He might have threatened to do something to them, for all we know. She probably knew other things about Drew that might help this investigation - sadly, that is why he killed her.


Well said; nothing further needed.
biggirl
12-26-2007, 07:39 PM
`This is an excellent thread! I did not know that Oprah has worked on informing victims of abuse about their options, I am not surprised.

I love being in a Drs office or public womens room and seeing brochures or posters that inform women of options and numbers for agencies for victims of domestic violence to use.

Bravo to all of you for your insightful and helpful posts.:clap:
Littledeer
12-27-2007, 04:25 PM
I've been fortunate that I am not in an abusive relationship. However, I grew up in an abusive home with my Dad beating up my mother, brother and I.

]Luckily for me, we all survived and this is the weird part. My Mom and Dad will be married 55 years this coming May. The abuse from Dad has stopped and to this day he denies it ever happened. He honestly doesn't remember, some kind of subconscious black out??

Anyways, these are GREAT POSTS HERE!!!
Tom'sGirl
12-27-2007, 04:33 PM
I've been fortunate that I am not in an abusive relationship. However, I grew up in an abusive home with my Dad beating up my mother, brother and I.

]Luckily for me, we all survived and this is the weird part. My Mom and Dad will be married 55 years this coming May. The abuse from Dad has stopped and to this day he denies it ever happened. [quote]He honestly doesn't remember, some kind of subconscious black out??
I know many like that, but I call it "Selective Recall" and seems common with those who deny any wrong doings. My mother is the same way, and has been since she was young.
SeriouslySearching
12-27-2007, 05:10 PM
I call it denial. They seemingly don't "remember" because over the years they put it so far removed from their minds due to guilt...they end up believing themselves it never took place. This happens to victims, too.
Littledeer
12-27-2007, 05:17 PM
I tend to believe the same scenario SS. He is now 76 years old, and even I, on occasion, forget it when I am around him today. I don't mean forget it, guess I mean I have forgiven him.

It took me a long time to realize it was the alcohol, (I'm sure some people beleive that is an excuse), but that is when the abuse was at it's worst.

I still carry around the little girl, at Christmas time who's Mom had left because Dad had beaten her up and she just up and left. Wow..............
memories rushing back.

I just wish I could build a "big safe house" and any and all victims of abuse would be able to come there and feel safe until they can get themselves back on their feet and feel secure. If not for themselves, at least for the kids.
SeriouslySearching
12-27-2007, 05:22 PM
The good news is that they have those "safe houses" now! Domestic Violence Intervention Services will take in the women and children to keep them in an unknown location until they get on their feet. They help them file charges and OOPs, file for divorces, and help them thru counseling to a better lfie. : )
itsreenw
01-02-2008, 11:52 AM
A few yrs ago, I wrote an article for the newspaper at my place of employment. I will post it here in case there is anyone reading that is in an abusive relationship. I wrote it in 2004. It took me 3 years to finally leave my situation. It wasn't easy to leave, but it was necessary.

(I don't know why the font is so large. I tried to decrease the size but it's still big in some parts??) Here's what I wrote:



BEUFE-HELPING YOU HELP YOURSELF OUTSIDE THE WORKPLACE

DOMESTIC ABUSE… A HOUSEHOLD EPIDEMIC
LET’S TALK CANDIDLY FOR A MOMENT. ACCORDING TO STATISTICS, EITHER YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC ABUSE.
.UNFORTUNATELY, OUR SOCIETY HAS BECOME ACCUSTOMED TO THE “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” MIND-SET IN REGARDS TO ANYTHING THAT IS CONSIDERED TOO DELICATE OR DISTURBING TO CONFRONT.
THIS ARTICLE IS TO ENCOURAGE VICTIMS TO SEEK HELP AND TO URGE THOSE WHO SUSPECT THAT A LOVED ONE IS BEING ABUSED TO BE PROACTIVE IN THE VICTIM’S ROAD TO FREEDOM.

DON’T ASK-DON’T TELL!!
MANY VICTIMS SUFFER IN SILENCE BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO SCARED OR EMBARRASSED TO CONFIDE IN ANYONE.
FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES OF A SUSPECTED VICTIM ARE HESITANT TO VOICE THEIR SUSPICIONS BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO SEEM INTRUSIVE. WITHOUT A SUPPORT SYSTEM, THE VICTIM BECOMES MORE WITHDRAWN WITH EACH ABUSIVE INCIDENT UNTIL HE/SHE IS TOTALLY UNDER THE CONTROL OF THE ABUSER.

IF YOU SUSPECT SOMEONE IS BEING ABUSED-DO ASK!! IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED-DO TELL!!

BUT HE DOESN’T HIT ME!
WHILE PHYSICAL ABUSE IS THE MOST COMMONLY KNOWN FORM,. THESE ARE EXAMPLES OF OTHER TYPES OF DOMESTIC ABUSE:

VERBAL ABUSE:
BEING BELITTLED, CALLED DEROGATORY NAMES, I.E. “SLOB”, “FAT COW”, “LAZY”, ETC…

ECONOMICAL ABUSE:
ONE PERSON CONTROLLING ALL THE FINANCES, BEING ALLOTTED AN ALLOWANCE ACCORDING TO YOUR BEHAVIOR, BEING MADE TO FEEL INFERIOR DUE TO LESSER OR NO INCOME

SEXUAL ABUSE:
BEING FORCED TO PERFORM SEXUAL ACTS WITH YOUR PARTNER AND/OR OTHER PEOPLE AT YOUR PARTNERS REQUEST. NO MEANS NO-EVEN IF IT IS YOUR SPOUSE!!

EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
BEING TORMENTED BY ABUSER, HAVING MORE BAD DAYS THAN GOOD DAYS, CRYING FREQUENTLY BECAUSE OF PROBLEMS IN THE RELATIONSHIP


YOU MUST LIKE IT OR YOU’D LEAVE!
PEOPLE THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN ABUSED ASSUME IT IS EASY TO LEAVE AN ABUSER.
BELOW ARE SOME REASONS A PERSON STAYS IN A VOLATILE RELATIONSHIP:

ABUSER IS EXTREMELY VIOLENT AND UNPREDICTABLE-OFTEN TIMES WILL THREATEN THE VICTIM’S AND FAMILY MEMBER’S LIVES IF THEY LEAVE.

TOO AFRAID BECAUSE THE ABUSER HAS ISOLATED THEM FROM LOVED ONES AND THE VICTIM FEELS THEY HAVE NO ‘SUPPORT SYSTEM’

VICTIM STILL LOVES THE ABUSER BECAUSE THEY DO HAVE SOME HAPPINESS
(HE/SHE “IS NOT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME”)

VICTIM BELIEVES THE ABUSE WILL STOP IF ABUSER GETS HELP

VICTIM HAS LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND BELIEVES AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL

THE CHILDREN NEED BOTH PARENTS

VICTIM IS FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT ON ABUSER

AFRAID TO INVOLVE POLICE-DOESN’T WANT ABUSER TO GO TO JAIL

THERE IS A WAY OUT!!
YOU MAY NOT BE READY TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY AND THERE IS NO SHAME IN THAT.
IT’S NOT EASY TO LEAVE SOMEONE YOU LOVE. ABUSERS ARE OFTEN VERY CHARMING INITIALLY. THE VICTIM TENDS TO HOLD ON TO THE BELIEF THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE AS HAPPY AS IT ONCE WAS. IT WON’T!!!
YOU WILL REALIZE THAT IN TIME.

EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT SO I WON’T GIVE ADVICE ON HOW TO LEAVE.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.. TALK TO SOMEONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE- A FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER CONTACT EAP OR THE 24 HOUR CRISIS HOTLINE IN YOUR COUNTY.. THERE ARE RESOURCES TO HELP WITH SHELTER AND FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE. THERE ARE ALSO COUNSELORS AVAILABLE TO ANSWER QUESTIONS AND ADVISE YOU OF THE BEST WAY TO ESCAPE YOUR ABUSER. NEVER TELL YOUR ABUSER YOU ARE PLANNING TO LEAVE!

DO YOU SUSPECT A LOVED ONE IS BEING ABUSED?
IF YOU SUSPECT A LOVED ONE IS BEING ABUSED AND WANT TO HELP, FIND A WAY TO SPEAK WITH THEM ALONE AND BE SUBTLE WITH YOUR APPROACH.

EXPLAIN WHY YOU BELIEVE THEY ARE BEING ABUSED (CHANGE IN PERSONALITY, APPEARANCE, WORK HABITS, VISIBLE INJURIES, ETC..)

LISTEN WITHOUT INTERRUPTING-THE VICTIM WILL BE RELIEVED TO HAVE AN OUTLET

REFRAIN FROM TELLING THEM WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THEIR SITUATION (“IF A MAN EVER HIT ME, I’D…”)

OBTAIN A LIST OF PHONE NUMBERS TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RESOURCES AND GIVE THEM TO THE VICTIM. DO NOT MAKE THE VICTIM FEEL BAD IF THEY DON’T HAVE THE COURAGE TO CALL IMMEDIATELY.

NEVER CONFRONT THE ABUSER DIRECTLY. IT COULD ENRAGE THE ABUSER AND PUT THE VICTIM OR YOURSELF IN DANGER.
mysteriew
01-02-2008, 12:32 PM
Itsreenw, that is a great article. You have covered it very well.
DeltaDawn
01-02-2008, 12:36 PM
Great advice itsreenw !
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