I was laughing at Jodi and her use (and misuse) of "big words" and unnecessary descriptions. She makes me think of Oswald, the prison inmate on In Living Color who always talks in ridiculously big words, none of which he understands, and most of which he mixes up in a hodgepodge of existing words. It got me to thinking about her story. Here it is, in a nutshell, in Jodi-Speak, followed by translations:
I would proclaim in the affirmative that it is within the realm of possibility that I may have assisted the individual with the appellation of Travis Alexander to embark upon his glorious journey from the terrestrial world into the celestrial world, with the caveat that he may have journeyed to the subterrestrial world; I wouldn't be privy to that informational data of the post-terrestrial sphere of existence.
(Translation: Yes, I killed Travis Alexander.)
The person of whom you are speaking was not inclined to indulge me (that is to say, mySELF) with tender, considerational behavior.
(Translation: He was mean to me.)
The decedent bestowed upon me the appellation of Tri-Orificed Astonishmentalitation.
(Translation: He called me a 3-hole wonder.)
The male subject of our discussion and I engaged in carnal relations, which is to say, copulation of the intercoursal, oral, and buttal variety.
(Translation: We had sex.)
Our sexual activity involved bondage of the upholstery cord loose wrist noosal variety intended to bind the articulation between the forearm and the hand.
(Translation: He tied me up.)
The upholstery cord loose wrist noosal raw material was first prepared by severing it with a keen-edged instrument of cutlery.
(Translation: He cut the rope with a knife.)
I initiated a series of digital photo-opticular events via the use of a mechanical shutterbox-like piece of equipment which utilizes light and opticalative states of being to produce lifelike images to be viewed and/or retrieved at a later point in time. He was moist and not garbed in traditional textiles gathered together by twisted filaments in the shape of a human body.
(Translation: I took photos of him in the shower. He was wet and naked.)
He lifted my body and hurled it to the floor with great force and in a violent manner whereupon I landed upon my spine.
(Translation: He body-slammed me.)
I extricated myself from his attempted pintintinilation and scurried down the corridor betwixt the bathing quarters and the room designed to accommodate the suspension of voluntary bodily functions and the natural suspension, complete or partial, of consciousness, whereupon I pivoted to the right and entered the enclosed recess typically used to store apparel, footwear and other miscellaneous items.
(Translation: I ran through the hallway and into the closet.)
I placed the door into a position that would render an intruder temporarily (for a split-second) helpless to enter the space within which I was located.
(Translation: I shut the door.)
I leaped ever skyward, briefly placing an appendage of the metacarpal variety onto the edge of a thin slab of wood fixed horizontally to a frame (for supporting objects) in order to gain height. I then affixed my hands upon a weapon that would be capable of propelling metal projectiles with great force and brought the weapon back with me when I plummeted back to the lower gravitational limit, landing in a nimble manner on the afforementioned appendages of the metacarpal variety. The aforementioned weapon may or may not have previously been encased in a sheathlike carrying pouch; said pouch was not surrounding the firearm at that moment in the space-time continuum.
(Translation: I jumped up and grabbed a gun that may or may not have previously been in a holster.)
The weapon may or may not have been occupying space within a rectangular receptacle consisting of corrugated cardboard.
(Translation: The gun may or may not have been in a box.)
I then moved my legs in a rapid, rhythmic manner in order to propel me out the alternate doorway and back into the bathing quarters; the room is also used to collect and dispose of human excrement and liquid bodily wastes.
(Translation: I ran into the bathroom; that's the room where people also pee and poop, just in case the jury didn't already know the definition of "bathroom".)
The subject then proceeded to propel himself toward me in an aggressive manner that would be best described as that of a defensive player in American or Canadian football who is positioned just behind the line of scrimmage. He was uttering derogatory epithets and threatening to terminate my essential natural processes.
(Translation: Travis lunged at me like a linebacker and said "f*****g kill you, b***h!".)
The weapon within my bent digits (one more bent than the others) discharged just as his body impacted my corporeal vessel and sent us both hurtling to the floor.
(Translation: The gun went off just before he knocked me off my feet.)
I extricated my corpus from his own maniacal and heavily-weighted corporeal instrument.
(Translation: I was partially under him, but managed to get out from under him. )
The events that thereafter occurred cannot be recalled in any reliable fashion by the organ residing within my cranium, although the events have a quality that may or may not be described as a mixture consisting of liquid particles dispersed in a gaseous medium.
(Translation: I dont remember. I was in a fog.)
I DO recall the audio effect of the keen-edged piece of cutlery landing upon the tiled lower enclosing surface upon which one walks.
(Translation: I remember the knife clattering on the floor.)
When I regained my memory and cognition, I was driving within an arid, barren wasteland.
(Translation: I came to in the desert.)
My lowest appendages of a metacarpal variety were no longer encased in its customary footwear, nor was any footwear apparent within the vehicle.
(Translation: I was barefoot.)
I performed an ablution to remove debris and excess human vascular system fluid with the usage of clear fluid which was purchased in bulk from a merchant of miscellaneous items that may only be exchanged for monetary tokens from a member of a private society.
(Translation: I washed the blood off with water from Costco.)
I hurled the firearm used to commit a possible homicidal act into the arid, barren wasteland.
(Translation: I threw the damn gun into the desert.)
I then proceeded to direct my rented vehicle to another state within the Northern Hemisphere, specifically within the United States ) for the purposes of assembling with another member of the Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, with whom I had been in electronic and vocal communication, but had not laid eyes upon in the corporeal sense.
(Translation: I drove to Utah to meet a potential sucke--ummm--vict--ummm matrimonial life partner in person.)
We pressed our cavities containing the structures used in mastication together, may or may not have comingled our tongual muscles, and ground our genitals together in a rhythmic manner.
(Translation: We hung out.)
When next I endeavored to operate the vehicle of the Budget clan, I was stopped by a member of the local regulatory force that is employed to maintain order in a civilized society. I was informed that my placard which proclaims the legal status of the vehicle's permission to be upon a public roadway was positioned with the upper part undermost.
(Translation: I was stopped for driving with an upside-down license plate.)
Several hours later my companion and I once again engaged in light carnal activity, but we did not proceed to the point of penile/vaginal penetration, nor did we remove our lower, textured coverings.
(Translation: We hung out some more.)
I departed from my companion's abode in the Beehive State, destined for my own abode in the far northern extreme of the state named for it's resemblance to a hot Spanish oven in a municipality so-named when a stretched BAKERY sign was inadvertently read backwards and was missing the letter B. I did not, at any time, enter the city upon a dessicated lake consisting of sodium crystals.
(Translation: I left and never, ever, ever was in Salt Lake City.)