Signs of Danger Single Moms Need to be Aware of

Knot4u2no said:

If you communicate with anyone in prison, do not send them pictures of your children. Regardless of intentions, people in prisons often share their pictures of family and friends. Some inmates fixate on pictures of children and most get out of prison. Pedophiles thrive on and focus on fantasies and act them out whenever possible.

Russell

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Jail mail. No, no!:what:

A good rule of thumb to follow as far as allowing anyone to babysit your kids. Would you willingly and without hesitation give that person the keys to your automobile? Would you worry they'd get a DUI in your car? Move drugs in it? Smash it up?

There ya have it. Why do we allow our most precious children with people we'd worry would mess up our car?

If u facebook try not to use pictures of your kids as ur profile picture. If u have online photo albums (facebook) look for and customize privacy settings to where only your known friends can see vs some random Joe seeing ur wall posting your profile info and photo albums, especially if they got pictures of your kids....

Ps loving this thread....awesome idea! Love the advise and insight to learn from

If your child seems to be courting favor or trying especially hard to please your boyfriend. Red *advertiser censored*. Abused children will often try to seek the favor of their abuser to avoid further abuse.

If your child has suddenly withdrawn, becomes physically jumpy, begins acting out against other children. Red Flag. Find out what is behind it.

Is it time to rewrite this into a concise point form list or is it fine the way it is?

If it should be re-written, I would like to nominate southernnana and Filly as part of a committee if they want the task.

I told my child, i think when he was about 4 that if ever he felt unsafe or scared he could call 911. i also said that included feeling unsafe around me, which was hard for me to do but we talked about it a fair bit and it was the right thing to do. i had drug problems he did call 911 once and after i assured him it was ok. In my childhood my mom would bring me into situations when she was fighting with one of the many dads so i could phone the cops when it got ugly (i was terrified) so she could be protected but i was not allowed to protect myself. i wanted my child to know he was important something i never felt. I also -requested- social services put my child under protective care, which meant he lived with me but they could take him at any time. This is not the way its usually experianced by SS, but because i was bluntly honest about my lack of parenting skills, my ignorance scared me, but SS really kicked in parenting lessons, some short term foster care. I never could date after i had a child all the old fears came back, but my child, well i'm a very proud parent, it all worked out well. best part is we have a honest relashionship.

Good for you nao for putting your child first - the point of this thread.

One of my favorite sayings is - honesty and communication is a powerful thing.

:wave:

Woodland said:

Is it time to rewrite this into a concise point form list or is it fine the way it is?

If it should be re-written, I would like to nominate southernnana and Filly
as part of a committee if they want the task.

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Woodland, thank you very much for your vote of confidence in asking me to be on the committee. However, I will need to decline.

There is a very enthusiastic and knowledgeable group of posters contributing to the thread now so you are in capable hands whoever is on the committee to consolidate the contributions.

Congratulations to you and the seeker for success with this thread!!

We all share the same passionate goal of the prevention of child abuse and neglect.


The link I am providing is to the US Dept of Health and Human Services,
Child Information Gateway Program. The material includes several pages of "Fact Sheets" in recognizing signs and symptoms of child abuse and neglect. It is a useful tool of information for anyone interested in these topics.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm :book:

:rose:

Woodland said:

Is it time to rewrite this into a concise point form list or is it fine the way it is?

If it should be re-written, I would like to nominate southernnana and Filly as part of a committee if they want the task.

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Yep, I think it's time. I think it should be written in a point list. I would like to see it become something that single moms (or dads) might be handed by clinics, social services and LE. Now, how do we accomplish this?

Well, I think we need a draft first for people to critique. I'll take a shot at writing one - how about you seeker? Care to write one as well?

We can pass them back and forth on pm for a couple of days or so before putting something here.

Would very much like to see southernnana's links added for searching criminal records and other cool stuff I have seen (her?) post.

Filly said:

Do not force your child to give "Uncle Freddy" a hug or kiss. By doing that your child is not empowered. That goes for "boyfriend Uncle" or even "real Uncle". As adults would we like to be forced to give a kiss to someone we don't feel comfortable with? No. Well neither do kids.

My biggest peeve. Tickling and wrestling. If you see your child uncomfortable when your boyfriend decides to grab them and tickle them have it stop. Immediately. From experience I know they will do this right in your face. It's just a little wrestling ya know? Noooooooo, we don't know so don't put your hands on kids. Of course this is not all folks. There is innocent playing by "normal" human beings, but your child won't look flippin stunned.

Manners. We teach our children to obey adults and not be fresh. Again that takes the power from our kids. Not meaning they can be raging brats, but no means no and that starts at an early age. If they offend somebody well tough.

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ITA with this. And the flip side, too!

When I remarried, my daughter was 6 and was constantly dive bombing my husband and squeezing him. It was simply the way she always wrestles around with her dad, my ex!

But my new hubby, having no kids of his own, was so uncomfortable, it was almost comic!

I would just let her give him a big hug around the neck for goodnight and if she started getting too crazy, I'd just say "alright now, that's enough."

It isn't that I thought anything "funny" would happen, but I wanted her to understand that what was appropriate with daddy wasn't appropriate with other men, even a stepdad she lives with!

I never pushed a relationship between DD and Mr. Knot but have been very pleased to see one develop SLOWLY over the last few years. My husband never tried to woo my DD, and neither did he step into any parenting role right away.

That patience has proved golden in that nobody in our home has felt pushed or expected to 'love' or 'accept' anyone else, but what has grown has been a natural progression.

I will say, there are times it would have been nice to have someone else to help with discipline at home, but my ex is great about backing me up when it counts, and my husband is slowly becoming more comfortable asking my DD to pick up her mess or brush her teeth.

All this to say, DON'T BE IN SUCH A HURRY! I see this commonality in abuse cases where after 4 weeks, the BF is moved in and the delusional mom is playing "family".

Everybody needs time to find their places and if this is a NEW man (my DH is my beau from my college days) then get to REALLY know him before you even introduce him to your babies!!!!!

Sorry for the hijack, but I am a big believer in taking things slow.

Definitely not a hijack FrayedKnot - very good advice (build the relationships over time) which needs to be incorporated into the final doc, imo.

Do not use your boyfriend as daycare. Boyfriends should NOT be disciplining YOUR children. Period.

Go ahead and write one Woodland and PM it to me, so I can see what you have in mind, then I may write on or I just may give suggestions. We just moved and I have a house full of boxes so I don't know when I'd be able sit down and write it out.

Here is a first draft of a point form list for on-line use. I tried to be brief and showed post(s) numbers to go to for more content on the item. I also broke it up into 3 sections - Red Flags, What You Should Not Allow to Happen and What You Should Do.

Please critique. I copied and pasted from a Word doc as it seems to large to upload although it's only 2 pages. I am far from an expert so please, any and all advice is welcome - I need it.


Danger Signs for Single Mothers
Red Flags

1. If you want to see a new man check the RSO registry and if you find him on it, don’t accept any excuses for why they have been placed there. It couldn’t have happened lightly.
See post #2
2. If a man shows an intense desire to become part of your child(s) life almost immediately, be wary of why.
See post #3
3. If a man shows an intense desire to be alone with or babysit your children or a specific child, don’t let him.
See post #1
4. Don’t accept money from a man you just met, he is likely looking for something in return. This includes not moving him in right after you meet him to share living costs.
See posts #3, #6
5. Don not let a new man separate and isolate you in any way from your children, family or friends. Keep your support system in place.
See post #5

What You Should Not Allow to Happen
1. A boyfriend or new partner should not be considered a convenience for childcare arrangements, nor should he be disciplining your children.
See posts #3, #22, #33
2. If the new man in your life talks down the bio dad and wants the role of dad, do not agree.
See posts #5, #17
3. If he abuses alcohol or drugs do not let him be around your children, certainly not alone. If you abuse alcohol or drugs, seek help.
See post #6
4. Do not force a new relationship on your children. Relationships are properly built over time.
See posts #10, #14, #26
5. Do not pass around pictures of your children.
See post #16

What You Should Do
1. This can be a difficult financial time in your life. See other single moms for cost sharing on bulk food purchases, clothing, childcare and possibly living arrangements.
See post #4
2. See a new man without your children present until the relationship develops to one that will be long lasting. This will take time.
See posts #6, #11, #18, #31
3. Listen to your children and watch their behavior. Discuss or seek help for sudden changes. Empower your children to feel important and that they can say no.
See posts #7, #8, #24, #28
4. Make time to be alone with your children.
See post #7
5. Be careful and wary of the internet.
See posts #12, #23
6. Listen to your inner voice.
See post #13
7. If you suspect has been abused reach out for help – there are many places to turn to.
See post #28

Sorry seeker - saw your post after I posted a draft.

1. Teach your kids the proper names of their body parts. 2. Talk to them often about appropriate interaction with adults and that you will believe them if they spot anyone being inappropriate. 3. Do not play 'united front' with new partner against the children/teens. The teen is not by default trying to 'break you up,' but may have perfectly valid problems. Once the family of origin disintegrates, your first alliance is to the children, not the new love.

Also, this applies to single/divorced dads too. My dad gained full custody of my little sis and I, only to turn around and abandon us in an apartment to live down the street with "new love," while "new love's" current husband was in the hospital dying of a rare inoperable tumor. I completely identify with TLCox's post #17. I was the scapegoat, and often heard them arguing about me behind closed doors.

I think the list lacks ooomph and pizzazz - surely there is a good writer here that could dress it up?

I think it's got potential. There should be another section talking about signs and behaviors that your children display that could indicate they are being abused.

Also, I think we need something that explains "typical childhood injuries". Remember, little Koralynn's mom saw the huge injuries on her rear, where skin was actually missing. She inquired of the and he said they were typical childhood injuries. It's unfortunate that that has to be explained, but if it's in writing, then the "I didn't know" excuse won't work. Had "mom" threw him out and called authorities then and there, the little angel would be here to watch fireworks next month on the fourth.