I just thought I was off that soapbox. Sorry. I truly hope I don't get trounced for saying what I am about to say but I think this needs to be said. I am so relieved that this young man had the courage to say "enough" and ask for help. I am hoping that the adults responsible are put away for a long long time. I agree that the mother's prior sentence for killing her child is unacceptable. However, I'd like to make a general observation on parenting which may or may not apply to this young man at all (please keep this disclaimer in mind). He is a victim and let's hope he becomes a true survivor. Please know that I pity him and have a great deal of sorrow for what he has lived through.
That said, I would like to state that unquestionably some children are challenging to raise and some parents are not gifted with the patience or resources to parent AT ALL. When I read this story, my first thought was that there must be some substance abuse issues in this family. There is obviously severe dysfunction. The mother does not strike me as well educated or resourceful or as having a healthy support system. Something is definitely broken in this family. Once again, where were the neighbors?
If these things are true, it is highly possible that some, if not all, of her children were born with special challenges. While it is possible that this boy was talented and bright and the mother was "beating him down", I think there might be other scenarios. One of life's greatest ironies is that the people who can least handle difficult or "different" children often end up with them. Foolishly, they often keep having them. Did you know that studies show that each subsequent male child born to a substance abusing mother will present greater deficits? What was nature thinking? Our natural rescue response often clicks in upon reading one of these stories and we think "give me that child and I will love and protect him/her". It's not quite that simple.
Children who are born with substance exposure and/or into dysfunction suffer from deprivation in their prenatal and postnatal periods. They often exhibit behaviors that would drive sane and sober parents to distraction. They typically have lower IQs, more mental health issues, spectrum disorders, and defiance and attention disorders. Quite bluntly, they are hard wired differently. The damage to these children begins with multi-generational issues of dysfunction and carries through to a lack of trust and bonding in infancy. This then morphs into difficult toddlers and unmanageable older kids. Add to this a stressed out, mentally unstable parent and tragedy is a given.
I've parented a houseful of "challenging" and "at-risk" children for over 20 years. These are children taken by court order from situations very similar to this story. I chose to do this. It didn't all fall down around me because of deficits in my own life. If I didn't have a great marriage, loving extended family, supportive friends, engaged teachers, caring therapists, responsive police and judicial system, I couldn't do it. I might have stepped over the precipice and become abusive. I can't tell you how many times I've been raged at, spit on, assaulted, called every name in the book. I've spent my life in school meetings, therapy offices, ERs, juvenile court. We parent in a specialized milieu style, processing everything, teaching consequences...all while making our family look as close to "normal" as possible.
I've made certain to be mindful of my own needs and of my marriage. When I'm in trouble, I've called for help and gotten it. I've taken time-outs. I know how to "work" the system and get services in a timely manner. I know the police chief's and DA's phone numbers by memory. I can look at a problem and come up with viable solutions.
In other words, I don't resort to locking a child that irritated me in a closet. I would like to honestly admit that I've entertained the thought, though. Does that make me shameful? I think it shows that I'm human. I try hard to do the right thing. I also strive to have a respected reputation with the professionals I work with. I do my level best to not take things personally and to stay calm in the face of chaos. And, most importantly, I'm fortunate to not have personal demons I fight off everyday which could cause me to stumble and do the unthinkable.
I am not for a single second defending this monster of a mother. She set this in motion. She did the unforgivable. She's obviously sick and demented and pushed beyond her limits to parent in a reasonable way. She must pay for her crime. I'm simply trying to help others who have not lived in homes with difficult or "different" or even too many children grasp that most parents do not get up in the morning thinking, "how can I hurt my child today?" (Note I said most)
When the rent is late, you just got laid off, you can't afford the drugs (legal or illegal) you need, the toilet's clogged, your spouse/partner got drunk and slugged you, the stray cat just had kittens in the bathroom, the pantry's empty, the neighbors' dog is barking, the police keep trying to serve you with a warrant, the baby's crying and just will NOT stop, and the teenager gets mouthy....what are you going to do? Quick...what are you going to do?
Granted, people are responsible for the messes they make of their lives and often children get caught in the middle. People make horrid mistakes when under pressure. They often get stuck and keep repeating their mistakes when they are triggered. And children get hurt and neglected and their souls and bodies wounded.
One of the most powerful statements I learned in all my years of attending trainings in specialized parenting in reference to the parents of abused/neglected children is "their reality is not your reality". I think of that often when I read yet another of these horror stories of a child who is burned or beaten or shaken or tied up or locked in a closet. Folks, we don't live in this woman's reality. I abhor what she did to her child but the "perfect storm" of abuse presented itself at this poor boy's conception. Talented or special needs, he deserved love and protection. He didn't get it. His mother failed him.
We, as a society have to figure out how to halt this process. We can't just keep cleaning up the messes. How many brain-damaged babies and bruised teens can we all accept? We know that many many of these children will not heal and will be stuck in a never-ending cycle of repeating the sins of their mothers and fathers. I don't have the answers but I do know that children are hurting.
