Ok Mods, if this isn't a good place for this please advise and move.
A few of us reading the sick thread of tiny Koralynn Fister's rape, torture, and murder feel the need to do SOMETHING to stop all these women from handing their children over to monsters for a little "love". Some of them may be just ignorant and uneducated, while sadly, some of them are aware and value their "man" more than their babies. And frankly, I'm sick of it.
A few of us decided to get a list of warning signs and/or suggestions together for these women who just may be ignorant to what a child predator looks like.
It may be insulting to some who do know, but we don't care who is offended. If these signs and suggestions are handed out in clinics, child welfare offices, by police officers etc., then perhaps a life can be saved.
Further, if such knowledge is widely available via pamphlet, DVD, public service announcement, etc then the excuse of "I didn't know" will not be (hopefully) as acceptable in some courts as it seems to be. Then if "mom" hands her child over to a boyfriend and the child is victimized, then she should do a rather lengthy sentence. I'm so tired of hearing about the Koralynns and just shaking my head....it's not enough.
So, any suggestions? Ok, Ill start:
An intense desire to be alone with or "babysit" your child, or ONLY a specific child.
1. An intense desire to be alone with or "babysit" your child, or ONLY a specific child.
2. A person listed as a RSO (regardless of their excuse or explanation).
AN intense desire to meet and become part of your childrens lives almost immediately upon meeting you is a big RED FLAG.
A good rule of thumb for single moms is to not expose your children to any new men in your life til you have been dating for quite some time and are obviously getting serious enough to need to take that next step of seeing how he is around your kids.
Please moms, do not bring new boyfriends around your kids as soon as you have started dating them. Please do not move them into your home til you are contemplating marriage and the relationship is a proven one that is going to be a long term or forever thing.
Live in boyfriends are not meant to be convenient live in childcare. Slow it down mamas, please, take your time allowing someone new in and around your babies.
Thank-you seeker for setting this up - I think it has the potential to grow and become a great tool for single moms.
I repeat the post from tilcox - pretty much what I wanted to say. Times are tough financially - you have to tough it out. Work with other single moms on cost sharing food, clothing, housing, child care etc. White knights are fairy tales - the more you do for yourself, the better class of guy you will attract.
Any new man in your life who does anything overt or subtle that separates you from your family and friends is bad news for you AND your child. By shutting out your support system, new boyfriend can do whatever he likes and you and your child have nobody to turn to for help. This is NEVER OK.
Also, if new boyfriend is talking down your child's biological dad and offering to step into that role right out of the gate, this is not a sign of his love for your child. Even if bio dad really is a piece of crap, it takes a substantial time for a new boyfriend to grow to really love your child as a parent should. Whether it is his desire to impress you or something more sinister, it definately is NOT love for your child. Don't be in a hurry!!! If he really loves you and your kid(s), he's not going anywhere.
Special thanks Seeker.
Basically I am right there with everyone else. However, I'll add alcohol and drugs to the mix.
Ladies if your new "date" hits the bottle or is doing drugs forget him. Don't mess with him. If he doesn't, but is offering it to you forget that. Leave it alone. Obviously for a number of reasons, but I can't say how many times these cases involve alcohol or drugs.
In my own way how I'd put it.
The dude is dating you not your kids. He doesn't have to lay eyes on your children. Go to fine dine or a movie or whatever you need to be doing, but leave the kids out of it.
Nobody is going to do you a favor. Basically. So learn that right away. Nobody can instantly love your child. They certainly wouldn't want to give up going out with the guys or playing video games or hitting the casino to put up with kids.
He wants to pay your gas, electric, telephone? Seriously? Early on in a relationship? Leave him alone.
In the words of someone very wise to me after divorce. "It was only you before. Now you have someone more important to think about. Mind yourself. Watch your step. Lay off men for awhile unless your parents will watch your daughter. There's no reason for any old person to be around your child. That's your heart and some guy is just that "some guy".
Listen to your children, and watch their behavior. If the child seems to be fearful, ashamed, or displays tantrums, bathroom accidents or begins faking illness around the new partner, the reasons behind it need to be discussed, immediately and in private with your child.
Is your new partner engaging in arguments with your young child? This is a sign that your partner is immature, as adults don't argue with kids. They redirect the discussion, they divert attention, or they refer to the child's parent for discipline, if the backtalking is severe enough. If the partner is engaging in argument with a young child, or seems to feel that disciplining your child is something they are entitled to do, they are not someone that you need in your life.
Talk to old girlfriends. This may be hard, and it means putting aside drama, but you will be surprised at how many women will be honest about their ex if you tell them that you have children and you are trying to be sure they are protected the best you can. Listen to what they tell you, not everything is a spiteful lie.
Set aside time for your children where they know that the two of you will be alone together and they can speak freely and without you reacting in anger. No child is going to tell you that they are afraid or being hurt by someone if that person is standing over your shoulder while you are talking to your kids. They have to know that they can trust you.
If your partner hits your child, is abusing your child, YOU MUST LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY. You can not love him into being better. He is not sorry. He will not stop. He cannot stop. This is how he exerts control. He will kill you or your child, or at the very least he will destroy your life and your child's childhood. Walk away while you have the chance. Your child will love you even if leaving means being poor, going to a homeless shelter, changing schools or losing friends. A man who abuses your child can not and does not love you or your child.
JMO. Unless there's a link, I can't prove it.
Having lived through some difficult things growing up and seeing hearing about so many single moms bringing bad men into their childs lives I feel the need to share a few things from my own past that should have raised RED flags.
If your child isn't comfortable around the man-it doesn't mean the child is the one with a promblem.
If your child never wants to even be in the same room with the man--it doesn't mean the child is the one with the problem.
If the man doesn't think the child/teen has a right to privacy.
If the man has children from a previous relationship/marriage and has no contact at all with them--there is a reason and find out what it is. Don't feel like you shouldn't question because it isn't your business and don't just take his word for it either.
Wow, some really awesome stuff here so far! Keep it coming.
Do not force your child to give "Uncle Freddy" a hug or kiss. By doing that your child is not empowered. That goes for "boyfriend Uncle" or even "real Uncle". As adults would we like to be forced to give a kiss to someone we don't feel comfortable with? No. Well neither do kids.
My biggest peeve. Tickling and wrestling. If you see your child uncomfortable when your boyfriend decides to grab them and tickle them have it stop. Immediately. From experience I know they will do this right in your face. It's just a little wrestling ya know? Noooooooo, we don't know so don't put your hands on kids. Of course this is not all folks. There is innocent playing by "normal" human beings, but your child won't look flippin stunned.
Manners. We teach our children to obey adults and not be fresh. Again that takes the power from our kids. Not meaning they can be raging brats, but no means no and that starts at an early age. If they offend somebody well tough.
I never dated when my kids were young.
I still feel quite strongly about this. Children do not need to be exposed to their mother's love life.
Recently Nicole Kidman's sister remarried - not so shocking - but she had 4 SMALL children (under 5).
IMO, any single mother with small children has NO TIME to meet someone, date, and remarry, if they are putting their children first...let alone the complications of expecting the kids to like the guy as much as you do.
I know loads of people will disagree with this - I just felt that I'd made the choice to have babies, and it was my number one priority to look after them...not my sex life.
Watch for people I/E molesters using cartoon characters and nicknames on facebook/AOL/Yahoo and other online social media. Some used might be scoobydo, the pooh, tinker, wonderwoman as examples. Some maybe in costume.
A thread to read on one child pornography arrest.....
[ame=http://www.websleuths.com/forums/showthread.php?t=146811]We're told by the sheriff he used 26 different online aliases[/ame]
Listen to your inner voice.
If you are editing your words because you are afraid he will leave, stop!
If you are suppressing uncomfortable feelings because you are afraid you will offend your new man or make yourself look stupid, stop!
If there are things going on with your new man that you are omitting from your discussions with your girlfriends and your mom about your new man because "they will misunderstand or jump to conclusions", stop.
If you aren't sure but don't have the support system in real life to discuss it honestly with someone find someone online. Many members right here in this forum would be happy to open and honestly listen to you and tell you if they see red flags or if they see someone who has read too many stories on this very forum about the evils acts committed by opportunistic pedophiles.
Trust your instincts.
We have them for a reason.
Filly - your empower your kids advice is so important. As a single mom I often and purposely let my kids tell me no so they knew what it felt like, that they had a right to say no at times and that there would be no consequences.
They never used it against me! They appreciated it, it made them feel important, an integral part of the household and that they mattered.
When your kids go off with the other parent you can't control who else might be in their company - you have to teach them what to do.
Even chaos is well patterned.
If one of your children has become the scapegoat for your boyfriend, live in or roommate. What I mean by this is if one or all of your children can seem to do no right in the eyes of this person. If this person feels a need to illustrate to you or other adults what a "liar" your child is or what a "discipline problem" your child is.
This is a huge red flag. This could be a ruse, to establish that your child(ren) even if they manage to muster up the strength to tattle about some type of abuse that is happening, wont be believed by you.
beware of the guy that seems to be constantly whispering with your child. i had a guy do this to my 14 year old while i was dating him. it perked me RIGHT UP!! come to find out he was telling my 14 year old that he loved her and was just "seeing" me to be close to her. and that he was just waiting until she turned 16 so they could get married. he really put a wedge between my daughter and i. especially after i almost beat the carp out of him and kicked him to the curb. he had my daughter believing i was jealous of her and told her a lot of lies. took me a couple years of really working hard to gain her trust and our closeness back again. oh, one of the things that helped was i found out he had another girl pregnant. i knew i couldn't tell my daughter because she wouldn't believe me so i kind of worked it out so he and the other girl (very pregnant) and my daughter and i all showed up in the same place. i knew it was going to hurt her but it was the only way i could think of to handle it at that time. i knew i had to break that hold he had on her and QUICK!!
we need to encourage harder sentencing on those that are harming our children. our children are worth it!!
stop the circus!! these children as all children deserve to be found and justice brought forth for what has happened to them!!
I agree with SapphireSteel.
I get the choice aspect. If you want to become a package, the package has to be considered first.
A good rule of thumb to follow as far as allowing anyone to babysit your kids. Would you willingly and without hesitation give that person the keys to your automobile? Would you worry they'd get a DUI in your car? Move drugs in it? Smash it up?
There ya have it. Why do we allow our most precious children with people we'd worry would mess up our car?
If u facebook try not to use pictures of your kids as ur profile picture. If u have online photo albums (facebook) look for and customize privacy settings to where only your known friends can see vs some random Joe seeing ur wall posting your profile info and photo albums, especially if they got pictures of your kids....
Ps loving this thread....awesome idea! Love the advise and insight to learn from
If your child seems to be courting favor or trying especially hard to please your boyfriend. Red Fag. Abused children will often try to seek the favor of their abuser to avoid further abuse.
If your child has suddenly withdrawn, becomes physically jumpy, begins acting out against other children. Red Flag. Find out what is behind it.
Is it time to rewrite this into a concise point form list or is it fine the way it is?
If it should be re-written, I would like to nominate southernnana and Filly as part of a committee if they want the task.