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  1. #1
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    Domestic Violence - Our Stories and Information

    Domestic Violence - Our Stories and Information
    From the Allison Bayden-Clay threads:

    Quote:
    Violence against women - by Hawkins
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hawkins
    Do not friggin start me. The objectification of women is a vestigial sociological imperative that is well past its use-by-date. Women have been commodities in the physical, emotional and spiritual sense for many thousands of years. Very few people really appreciate the depth to which these subservient roles are ingrained. Violence towards women is still at epidemic levels in our community and this violence is not specific to any demographic. The levels of child sex abuse, especially against girls is a national disgrace. Emotional violence and intimidation starts from a very young age and many, many men humiliate their wives and female relatives without any sense that they are doing so. Any man who thinks that Australia is a society which has turned the corner and which provides equal expectations and opportunities for women should experience life from a woman's perspective for a while. Boys need to be exposed to male role models who treat women as human beings, not as some other species who they should look after and 'respect'. Respect is a human right, not a right that you get by being a woman. Women are not furniture, they are not fashion accessories, they are not property, they are not investments. They are not cute things that you have a duty to look after like a pet. Violence against, and the objectification of, women is a deep social problem that is only vaguely recognised and addressed despite ridiculous claims that women are now somehow mostly 'equal'. If Mrs Baden Clay has died as the result of domestic or partner violence then hopefully the result will be something more than a shallow sense of satisfaction that her 'killer' is brought to justice. All men need to look at their own hearts and their own values and ask what their potential is to act in the same way as her killer(s). We should all look at her death and ask how we collectively failed her and what we can do to empower our daughters to ensure that they do not suffer a similar fate. I am a man.

  2. #2
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    It has been requested by several members to have a place where we can relate to others our own stories of Domestic Violence, and to be able to discuss openly and freely. This is also a place to provide information about domestic violence, how to get help, education, etc.

  3. #3
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    ok - let me kick it off by saying again, thanks to Kimster and Summer Breeze for this.

    Legal Assistance for victims of DV -
    Your local Community Legal Service can provide advice free of charge and it is not means tested.

    Ipswich, Tmba and South West Qld - The Advocacy and Support Centre (TASC) www.tascinc.org.qu 07 46169700 has a presence in Ipswich, Tmba and outreach via its Rural Women Outreach Legal Service (RWOLS) to main centres in South West Qld eg Chinchilla, Roma, Charleville, Cunnamulla, St George, Goondiwindi, Warwick etc.

    Legal Aid Qld have fact sheets and telephone advice lines. www.laq.qld.gov.au

    Your own Solicitor

    Support Services
    There are many DV services in our communties. Often Ozcare, St Vincents de Paul, Centacare and Lifeline are good start points. They can provide advice, counselling and support.

    Centrelink - have professional staff trained to assist eg social workers etc who are able to speak with individuals and refer/assist to appropriate services. They are also able to assist with some of the difficulties associated with complying with Centrelink obligations when in receipt of benefits.

    Better Access program -referral by GP to allied health professionals for counselling, support etc. Used to be up to 10 sessions - not sure with current climate but is still available. Persons are able to access psychological support and counselling etc for minimal cost.

    These are just an example of support available to victims of DV and just some quick thoughts before I head out the door.

    Hope this helps someone.

  4. #4
    Off Topic

    Sorry but it just gets me steaming at how women are treated in some parts of the world.
    Some men (not all) can be such cruel creatures. Would be nice to see a day that woman are seen as equal.

    http://www.smh.com.au/world/we-canno...709-21pzy.html

  5. #5
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    This is only part of what i went through from 1996 to 2002 I went through much much more than this in that time. There wasn't a day go by that i wasn't belted or abused..... When i met my ex i thought everything was going to be perfect . I was so excited because he was my first partner (i was 27) and i really thought he loved me as much as he said. We started seeing each other and a couple of months later he decided he would like to marry me. I guess because i let my excitement take over that someone had accepted me i agreed to get married. We got married in december 1996 and everything seemed to be going well (i thought). Then one day i was sitting down watching tv before i had finished the housework and it all started from there. He pulled me off the couch dragged me into the kitchen and threw me against the wall. I was able to get up and run upstairs to the bedroom thinking that if i put all the furniture behind the door he wouldn't be able to get to me. I heard him run up the stairs and he was kicking the bedroom door until it actually broke and he was able to get into me. He then pulled me off the bed and tipped the bed upside down on top of me and layed on the top of it until i could barely breathe. He then said he was going out and i walked out of the bedroom thinking i was safe and he was in the other bedroom. He then pushed me down the stairs which resulted in a fractured ankle. Another day i was standing in the kitchen after getting back from the bank and he threw all the meat out and cut my keycard up so i couldn't spend my money.Everytime i got a replacement card and went to get my pay out of the bank he would cut the keycard up again so i couldn't spend money. Another day (in the kitchen again) i was cleaning off the bench and he threw a knife at me and cut my arm. All i wanted to do was scream out but i was scared because i didn't know what he would do next. A few days later my cousins baby was born stillborn and my husband asked me would i like him to drive me to the funeral. Everything was ok until after the service where he drove off on the freeway at 200 kmh weaving in and out of traffic, trying to run into the barriers and punching me while he did that. When we got home he lifted one of my legs off the ground and dragged me onto the floor in which i couldn't get up without help. But in the end he went and met a lady on the Gold Coast and told me he would be back on the monday. On the monday morning he called my phone and told me that he met someone else that was prettier than me and he was moving in with her (which he did) I have alot of other things he did to me over the time we were together

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by angel1 View Post
    This is only part of what i went through from 1996 to 2002 I went through much much more than this in that time. There wasn't a day go by that i wasn't belted or abused..... When i met my ex i thought everything was going to be perfect . I was so excited because he was my first partner (i was 27) and i really thought he loved me as much as he said. We started seeing each other and a couple of months later he decided he would like to marry me. I guess because i let my excitement take over that someone had accepted me i agreed to get married. We got married in december 1996 and everything seemed to be going well (i thought). Then one day i was sitting down watching tv before i had finished the housework and it all started from there. He pulled me off the couch dragged me into the kitchen and threw me against the wall. I was able to get up and run upstairs to the bedroom thinking that if i put all the furniture behind the door he wouldn't be able to get to me. I heard him run up the stairs and he was kicking the bedroom door until it actually broke and he was able to get into me. He then pulled me off the bed and tipped the bed upside down on top of me and layed on the top of it until i could barely breathe. He then said he was going out and i walked out of the bedroom thinking i was safe and he was in the other bedroom. He then pushed me down the stairs which resulted in a fractured ankle. Another day i was standing in the kitchen after getting back from the bank and he threw all the meat out and cut my keycard up so i couldn't spend my money.Everytime i got a replacement card and went to get my pay out of the bank he would cut the keycard up again so i couldn't spend money. Another day (in the kitchen again) i was cleaning off the bench and he threw a knife at me and cut my arm. All i wanted to do was scream out but i was scared because i didn't know what he would do next. A few days later my cousins baby was born stillborn and my husband asked me would i like him to drive me to the funeral. Everything was ok until after the service where he drove off on the freeway at 200 kmh weaving in and out of traffic, trying to run into the barriers and punching me while he did that. When we got home he lifted one of my legs off the ground and dragged me onto the floor in which i couldn't get up without help. But in the end he went and met a lady on the Gold Coast and told me he would be back on the monday. On the monday morning he called my phone and told me that he met someone else that was prettier than me and he was moving in with her (which he did) I have alot of other things he did to me over the time we were together
    You poor darling. This is horrible. I hope you are happy now. But I can imagine recovery would take a lot of work. My heart goes out to you.
    It is not wisdom but Authority that makes a law.
    Thomas Hobbes

    l

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by angel1 View Post
    This is only part of what i went through from 1996 to 2002 I went through much much more than this in that time. There wasn't a day go by that i wasn't belted or abused..... When i met my ex i thought everything was going to be perfect . I was so excited because he was my first partner (i was 27) and i really thought he loved me as much as he said. We started seeing each other and a couple of months later he decided he would like to marry me. I guess because i let my excitement take over that someone had accepted me i agreed to get married. We got married in december 1996 and everything seemed to be going well (i thought). Then one day i was sitting down watching tv before i had finished the housework and it all started from there. He pulled me off the couch dragged me into the kitchen and threw me against the wall. I was able to get up and run upstairs to the bedroom thinking that if i put all the furniture behind the door he wouldn't be able to get to me. I heard him run up the stairs and he was kicking the bedroom door until it actually broke and he was able to get into me. He then pulled me off the bed and tipped the bed upside down on top of me and layed on the top of it until i could barely breathe. He then said he was going out and i walked out of the bedroom thinking i was safe and he was in the other bedroom. He then pushed me down the stairs which resulted in a fractured ankle. Another day i was standing in the kitchen after getting back from the bank and he threw all the meat out and cut my keycard up so i couldn't spend my money.Everytime i got a replacement card and went to get my pay out of the bank he would cut the keycard up again so i couldn't spend money. Another day (in the kitchen again) i was cleaning off the bench and he threw a knife at me and cut my arm. All i wanted to do was scream out but i was scared because i didn't know what he would do next. A few days later my cousins baby was born stillborn and my husband asked me would i like him to drive me to the funeral. Everything was ok until after the service where he drove off on the freeway at 200 kmh weaving in and out of traffic, trying to run into the barriers and punching me while he did that. When we got home he lifted one of my legs off the ground and dragged me onto the floor in which i couldn't get up without help. But in the end he went and met a lady on the Gold Coast and told me he would be back on the monday. On the monday morning he called my phone and told me that he met someone else that was prettier than me and he was moving in with her (which he did) I have alot of other things he did to me over the time we were together
    I'm so sorry you had to go through that Angel. The part about driving 200kph on the freeway while punching you brought back a long suppressed memory of a very similar experience where he was trying to push me out of the car while driving on a freeway. Amongst many many other things that happened, I'll always remember when he lined my 3 young daughters up in front of me and while threatening us all with a shotgun forced them to say they hated me & wished I was dead. It was so difficult leaving because of the threats to my parents & sisters, but eventually managed it. This was 30 years ago, and to this day he has made no attempt to see or contact his daughters, wheras I have a strong, close and loving relationship with them all, as well as my beautiful grandsons I have never had another relationship, too scared and scarred I think. Life has been difficult as a single Mum, but I'm now reaping the rewards.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by angel1 View Post
    This is only part of what i went through from 1996 to 2002 I went through much much more than this in that time. There wasn't a day go by that i wasn't belted or abused..... When i met my ex i thought everything was going to be perfect . I was so excited because he was my first partner (i was 27) and i really thought he loved me as much as he said. We started seeing each other and a couple of months later he decided he would like to marry me. I guess because i let my excitement take over that someone had accepted me i agreed to get married. We got married in december 1996 and everything seemed to be going well (i thought). Then one day i was sitting down watching tv before i had finished the housework and it all started from there. He pulled me off the couch dragged me into the kitchen and threw me against the wall. I was able to get up and run upstairs to the bedroom thinking that if i put all the furniture behind the door he wouldn't be able to get to me. I heard him run up the stairs and he was kicking the bedroom door until it actually broke and he was able to get into me. He then pulled me off the bed and tipped the bed upside down on top of me and layed on the top of it until i could barely breathe. He then said he was going out and i walked out of the bedroom thinking i was safe and he was in the other bedroom. He then pushed me down the stairs which resulted in a fractured ankle. Another day i was standing in the kitchen after getting back from the bank and he threw all the meat out and cut my keycard up so i couldn't spend my money.Everytime i got a replacement card and went to get my pay out of the bank he would cut the keycard up again so i couldn't spend money. Another day (in the kitchen again) i was cleaning off the bench and he threw a knife at me and cut my arm. All i wanted to do was scream out but i was scared because i didn't know what he would do next. A few days later my cousins baby was born stillborn and my husband asked me would i like him to drive me to the funeral. Everything was ok until after the service where he drove off on the freeway at 200 kmh weaving in and out of traffic, trying to run into the barriers and punching me while he did that. When we got home he lifted one of my legs off the ground and dragged me onto the floor in which i couldn't get up without help. But in the end he went and met a lady on the Gold Coast and told me he would be back on the monday. On the monday morning he called my phone and told me that he met someone else that was prettier than me and he was moving in with her (which he did) I have alot of other things he did to me over the time we were together
    Angel, he sounds like a bloody mongrel. I am so sorry to hear you went through this humiliation and lack of respect for who you really are with this man.

    I hope that you have managed to get some support and a good network of loyal girlfriends around you. I hope that your family helped you too and that you have the love of a good man in your life now.

    Those sorts of mongrels never change their spots - what he did to you is not because of who you are - it's because of what you represent to him - and the problem is all his................not yours.

    I hope you have some peace in your life and lots of love around you. xx

  9. #9
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    Summer_Breeze,

    I feel sad to say this but if Allison (who from all accounts was a private person and kept things in) had a forum such as this one with all of the kindness and compassion and keen wit that is displayed by many - if she had been able to get some support from a group of individuals who were going through similar things.......it could have given her the push she needed to leave him.

    We won't ever know Allison personally but there is enough kindness and grace displayed by her parents to see the kind of stock she comes from............no peerage in sight - just good old hard workin' Aussie battlers; salt of the earth, the sort who lend a hand to others in need at the drop of a hat.

    Websleuths is so much more than a crime sleuthing community - what you have created here might just save the life of another woman in desperate circumstances who can't see her way out of it but who finds comfort and support here and a little courage to do the right thing by herself.

    Thank you Mods - you rock........

  10. #10
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    Angel,

    I am so happy that he met 'someone else.' That was your lucky day, although, even though he was abusive, it probably still hurt you deeply at the time he left. But looking back, I hope you can see that she probably saved your life. It was just a matter of time.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it was hard for you to do.
    “Every day that they don’t find something is good for me.“ Billie Dunn


  11. #11
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    On my daughters 21st birthday she had breast cancer surgery. She was only home from hospital for a few days before her now ex (who was 22 at the time) first abused her. He covered her head with a pillow and beat her, at the time of beating her he said haha you cant prove a thing because I wont leave a mark on you. She rang us screaming. The ex threw her phone and smashed it. We phoned police on our way to their home. We got inside where her ex had our daughter in a headlock. My hubby warned him to let her go he refused so hubby pulled him off. The ex got a knife, chased us with it, lucky we got out of the house and locked ourselves in our car until police arrived. The ex tried to have hubby charged for assult, the officer said as hubby warned him to let go of our daughter if he had hit him the assult charge wouldnt have stuck. The ex was arrested , his punishment, anger management classes! (Our daughter had scratched her ex all over his face and on his neck. Saying it was all her fault!)
    Sadly he sweet-talked our daughter back to him , much to the police and our advice that he would do it again. He did. Arriving home early hours Christmas morning drunk. This time he beat her and went to his gun cabinet. Our daughter saw him load the gun and hide it down his pants. She got in her car to head to us, he chased her in his car.
    Crashing it trying to run her off the road. Thankfully she had the police on the phone the whole time she was driving. He went into hiding all Christmas Day, while we spent it with undercover police in our street. We spent a few hours at the police station that morning giving statements and having counselling. He handed himself in late that afternoon. We are still waiting on a court date.
    She has moved home and will never go back now. Their house will be sold. It just really scares me that he sucked her back in last time and how lucky she is to be alive. I have nightmares, he had this look in his eyes that I will never forget. Our daughter is having ongoing counselling, she is getting better everyday.
    We are just so grateful for the support and great job the policemen and women have done for us.

  12. #12
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    Well, first off I married my highschool sweetheart when I was 18, we had 2 children, but ended up more like friends and split when I was 26. All good til then, really.
    Still reasonably niave at 27 I met a guy who, in his own words, 'really' understood women and 'really' felt for them and what they go through blah blah blah. Well, he was so wonderful to my 2 kids, a girl aged 7 and a boy, 5. He was every women's dream come true, couldn't ask for more. After being together for 6 weeks he said he loved us so much that he wanted to live with us, be a real family. Now, this is the part where I feel I am partly to blame... I fell for it. Why on earth did I jump head on into a relationship so fast after 6 weeks? {Oh, now i think of it I did actually meet him 6 months earlier when we were at a mutual friends place... even the friends thought he was great... but I didn't see him for a while.}

    Because he had furniture, and so did I he suggested that I be the one to sell everything because he was busy at work and made more sense for me to sell mine as I had more time on my hands. Fair enough I thought. Well, we moved about an hour away from anyone I knew, at his request. The very first night we moved in together he started. I use to call my son 'bub', and he screamed at me "Stop calling him f@#$%n 'bub', sounds like you're into incest!!" I was horrified, and thought well, maybe I was babying my son afterall. Then he started shoving me around, then apoligizing because 'he loved me so much and didn't want to lose' me. I felt sorry for him. Then he suggested we have a baby because it was all he'd ever wanted and would make him stop being so jealous... and because I am very maternal, I jumped at the chance. I fell pregnant straight away. Well, things got worse and worse. By that stage he thought he OWNED me. I was pushed, shoved, hit, verbally, emotionally & sexually abused...every waking hour, there was something. If I went to the toilet I had to leave the door unlocked incase he wanted to check that I wasn't perving at some male neighbour. He called me a slut, a whore and a dog. {I can tell you I was the most faithful person you could come across.} Anway, I have to shorten this story, as there is way too much. He was so jealous that if a 14 yr old boy or old man went past he'd accuse me of having an affair with them... didn't matter what age they were. He threatened that if I ever left him he's either kill me or make sure I had the kids taken from me. He said he'd get his mates to stand up in court and say I'd screwed them all. I honestly believed he had the power to completely ruin everything. I couldn't even look up when we went out so I constantly looked at the ground. When our daughter was nearly 2 I had our second daughter. {When I was a week off having her he threw a very heavy bbq chair at my back, and said if he'd tried harder he could've actually killed me and the baby.} By that time I was pretty much a wreck, so scared and beat. However the night he threaten to kill my son,I knew I had to do something. I had planned to leave the following Friday... but he came home one night high on drugs and almost killed me. My older girl was nearly 12 and she was frantically trying to ge the attention of our neighbours to call the police... which they did. He has even admitted that he could have killed me that night. I found out a few weeks later that he'd been in jail before I met him, for 7 yrs for the violent rape of a young woman whe he was 21. I was so shocked. The father of my girls was a convicted rapist!!!
    I left him then, but for the next 12 years it was a constant blur of death threats, harrassment and basically CRAP. I didn't have the guts to stand up for myself til I met my hubby. He moved us away and this creep doesn't even know where we live. I'm still scared that he will find us one day... he isn't the kind of person {I won't say 'man'} to give up his possessions.
    These guys suck you in, make you feel like a million dollars to start with, then make you feel like it's all your fault when things go wrong. Yes, I was very niave when I met him, but all sorts of women get sucked in. It's why DV exists... they play their little game so damn well.

    I would tell anyone in this situation to get help early, recognise the signs and don't ever go back to them... they feel the need to have even more control over you once you've already left once before. No matter how hard it is after you've left, you can NEVER, EVER go back!!! It is a very dangerous time in the months after leaving, but there really is no other choice.
    Last edited by linette; 07-12-2012 at 07:00 AM.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by pulpfiction View Post
    Sorry could quote the poster who wrote the above.


    Anyway. They often treat women coldly and in a controlling manner. Most aren't interested in re-couping affection. They're often more interested control and punishment when they become violent. Their comfort lies only in themselves.
    Your way with words ,reminds me of a place I have once been .You sound like "my" special person ,my shrink that is ,that I needed once,when my life,was so very messed up.
    Oh, not really just once.Try 6 days a weekfor many many years ....I am all healed now.
    Long process though.
    The man I married ,nearly destroyed me ,and yes he tried too make up for affection ,or lack of through,lackof guidance ,parenting,love and affection.
    His father had no time for him ,abusive ,wandering eye ,controlled ,abused his mumma,along with he and his brother,favoured the daughter .
    I had 4 children with this man,and he hated my guts,because of how I was raised.
    Everything was always my fault..He hated me ,my father did love me ,my Mumma did care for my sister and I .Sometime on nights ,when I can't sleep ,I think I could have been Allison,if I had not found the special person that,helped me break free.
    I think Allison was ready too break free.
    I think maybe that was why she and Gerrad were seeing a therapist,she wanted out ,....and wanted too make sure the transition was as easy as it,could be for their girls.
    If he is the way I think he is ,he doesn't like too lose,there are people that won't stop at ripping lives in half,tearing families,children and hearts in two

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by ellou View Post
    Your way with words ,reminds me of a place I have once been .You sound like "my" special person ,my shrink that is ,that I needed once,when my life,was so very messed up.
    Oh, not really just once.Try 6 days a weekfor many many years ....I am all healed now.
    Long process though.
    The man I married ,nearly destroyed me ,and yes he tried too make up for affection ,or lack of through,lackof guidance ,parenting,love and affection.
    His father had no time for him ,abusive ,wandering eye ,controlled ,abused his mumma,along with he and his brother,favoured the daughter .
    I had 4 children with this man,and he hated my guts,because of how I was raised.
    Everything was always my fault..He hated me ,my father did love me ,my Mumma did care for my sister and I .Sometime on nights ,when I can't sleep ,I think I could have been Allison,if I had not found the special person that,helped me break free.
    I think Allison was ready too break free.
    I think maybe that was why she and Gerrad were seeing a therapist,she wanted out ,....and wanted too make sure the transition was as easy as it,could be for their girls.
    If he is the way I think he is ,he doesn't like too lose,there are people that won't stop at ripping lives in half,tearing families,children and hearts in two
    I am saddened to hear your story but very happy that you got away. ( bet that was like the great escape)
    Its wonderful that you did get help , and found someone that helped you escape. I can imagine your life now , will be focussed on healing , and that focus on healing never stops. Hugs to you and lots of love xxxxx
    My Opinion Only

  15. #15
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    What about emotional abuse also .. you know the style - when your needs are completely ignored and if you dare to voice them it's the silent treatment and refusal to adjust as if to prove a point. I guess this is how it starts, in subtle little ways before anything you can actually 'pin down' as abuse really starts. Hard to know where that grey line starts. Has anyone else experienced the early stages and is aware of the red flags before the first big row that gets completely out of hand?
    Neither the state nor the defense team are saints, and there is usually plenty of incompetence to go around on both sides of the courtroom.

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