Police Dept. Status Update
This is brilliant!
Brimfield Police Department Status Update:
Dear College Halloween-ers,
Hello from the Brimfield Police Department and your favorite (not) public servant, Chief Oliver. It’s that time of year again, when you all dress up, go to Kent and drink your favorite alcoholic beverages. The Kent Police Department will have a bevy of officers there to ensure public safety and watch you throw-up through your “Iron Man” mask. We will be sending officers, as will numerous other agencies, so I am confident with all of the officers present, things in Kent will be under control….
Some of you choose to go to Kent and then come back to your off-campus housing here in Brimfield to continue the party. Please read the following advice, from your friendly neighborhood police officers. It may save you bail money and court costs….
•Please stay out of the roadway. A couple years back while responding to a call, I nearly mowed down all of the Disney princesses. Although I have seen all of the Disney films and don’t remember the princesses being so scantily clothed….it was for sure Belle, Snow White. Cinderella and a few other princesses who were highly intoxicated. They nearly went the way of a herd of groundhogs, lying on the side of the roadway with tire marks across them. I could never explain to my daughters that their father was responsible for the death of Cinderella.
•Keep the noise to a level acceptable to sober people. Noise draws attention. Loud noises bring the police. If we show up to Hallo-Palooza at your apartment, someone will be leaving with us. There will be a quick costume change from you portraying “Pirates of the Caribbean” to you being someone from “O’Brother, Where Art Thou”. Read: Jail clothes…..
•Know your limit and be able to hold your liquor. We do NOT want to arrest you. We want you to have fun. We really DO NOT want to see you throw-up. It makes us all a little queasy.
•It is never okay to throw bottles at us. If you do, we will chase you down and arrest you. If we cannot catch you….our dogs run like Olympic sprinters. They are undefeated in foot races and have also kept pace with cars six-cylinders and under. When bottles start flying the dogs get very protective of us…so, place all of your glass in the proper recycle containers.
•If you fail to heed these little nuggets of advice and get arrested, you will be coming to a modern department with cameras located everywhere. Although in a drunken state it may seem “cool” to moon the camera or shout obscenities, in the long haul, it can be detrimental to finding gainful employment. What we do is public record and we are a transparent group. “Drunken Captain America Moons Police Camera” may sound funny…until a potential employer sees it while doing a background check. Yikes….that’s embarrassing.
Have fun, be safe and act responsibly…….Chief Oliver.
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