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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    at home
    Posts
    23,626

    Office Christmas Party

    TO: Everyone
    RE: Christmas Party
    DATE: December 1

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
    December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
    Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
    playing traditional carols . . . feel free to sing along. And don't be
    surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

    ***

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    DATE: December 2
    RE: Christmas Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
    We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides
    with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
    we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
    who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
    Happy now?

    ***

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    DATE: December 3
    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
    requesting a non-drinking table . . . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
    to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
    "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
    this? Somebody?

    ***

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    DATE: December 7
    RE: Holiday Party

    What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
    Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, and drinking during
    daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
    luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
    beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end
    of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package
    everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
    farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
    closest to the rest rooms. Did I miss anything?

    ***

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    DATE: December 8
    RE: Holiday Party

    So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice -- what do you expect me to do, a
    tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
    of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try
    to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
    Okay???

    ***

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    Date: December 9
    RE: Holiday Party

    People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
    like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
    "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
    suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
    feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
    Could we lighten up?

    ***

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    DATE: December 10
    RE: Holiday Party

    Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
    party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
    sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
    quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&!*# salad bar, including
    hydroponic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
    scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them
    scream right now!

    ***

    FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    DATE: December 14
    RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from
    her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her
    at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
    Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    1,384
    Good one Buzz.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    A Quiet Pond In England
    Posts
    160
    very very good