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  1. #1
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    Putting Parents In Their Place

    This is a pretty interesting article, it touches on a lot of issues dealing with parents who "can't let their kids go" and the problems it creates for teachers and for the children too.

    Putting Parents In Their Place: Outside Class

    Too Much Involvement Can Hinder Students' Independence, Experts Say 3/21/06

    They are needy, overanxious and sometimes plain pesky -- and schools at every level are trying to find ways to deal with them.

    No, not students. Parents -- specifically parents of today's "millennial generation" who, many educators are discovering, can't let their kids go.

    They text message their children in middle school, use the cellphone like an umbilical cord to Harvard Yard and have no compunction about marching into kindergarten class and screaming at a teacher about a grade.

    To handle the modern breed of micromanaging parent, educators are devising programs to help them separate from their kids -- and they are taking a harder line on especially intrusive parents.

    At seminars, such as one in Phoenix last year titled "Managing Millennial Parents," they swap strategies on how to handle the "hovercrafts" or "helicopter parents," so dubbed because of a propensity to swoop in at the slightest crisis.

    Educators worry not only about how their school climates are affected by intrusive parents trying to set their own agendas but also about the ability of young people to become independent.

    "As a child gets older, it is a real problem for a parent to work against their child's independent thought and action, and it is happening more often," said Ron Goldblatt, executive director of the Association of Independent Maryland Schools.

    "Many young adults entering college have the academic skills they will need to succeed but are somewhat lacking in life skills like self-reliance, sharing and conflict resolution," said Linda Walter, an administrator at Seton Hall University in New Jersey and co-chairman of the family portion of new-student orientation. (Long article--more at link)

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...001167_pf.html

  2. #2
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    I know parents like this. But, it's like you cant win! They "school" cant have it both ways. Your not envolved, your a bad parent who dont care and does not control your kids. And now they dont want you too envolved. Seems to me some teachers and schools only want you there when they need the help, but dare to question them about a teacher, a curriculem, or anything, then your a "helicopter" parent.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by lostfaith
    I know parents like this. But, it's like you cant win! They "school" cant have it both ways. Your not envolved, your a bad parent who dont care and does not control your kids. And now they dont want you too envolved. Seems to me some teachers and schools only want you there when they need the help, but dare to question them about a teacher, a curriculem, or anything, then your a "helicopter" parent.
    What you just said is reason # 458395 we home school. Can't win for losing.

    This is another reason why: somewhat lacking in life skills like self-reliance, sharing and conflict resolution. In a family of 7 kids with 3 god children, daddy works, mama works from home, 3 oldest have jobs, 2nd oldest is taking classes at a jr college as well, mission trips, dogs, cats, goats, garden and I'm just plain tired, and they tend to learn real fast M stands for Mama not Maid, Micromanager, Masher or any other term you care to use lol

  4. #4
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    OMG! That article described my sister completely! She has two kids - ages 6 and 8 - and she actually goes to school during the lunch period to eat lunch with them. And that's not even scratching the surface of her obsessive, controlling behavior!
    Step right up and see the Yakwoman! Only 25 cents a look!

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yakwoman
    OMG! That article described my sister completely! She has two kids - ages 6 and 8 - and she actually goes to school during the lunch period to eat lunch with them. And that's not even scratching the surface of her obsessive, controlling behavior!


    I strive to make mine as independent as he can be. I help him when necessary, but usually I walk him through the steps to solve problems himself by looking as his options and probable outcomes and finally picking his own solution. I always thought my job as a mother was to raise a child with the goal being a strong, independent and competent adult.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Linda7NJ


    I strive to make mine as independent as he can be. I help him when necessary, but usually I walk him through the steps to solve problems himself by looking as his options and probable outcomes and finally picking his own solution. I always thought my job as a mother was to raise a child with the goal being a strong, independent and competent adult.
    Same here. I am there when they need help with their homework and I take an interest in everything they do. Drive them to their sports and watch and even become somewhat involved in helping them with practice and such....but I hate those parents who yell at their kids or interfere by coaching from the side lines....cheering for your kid is one thing...yelling at them or nagging at them to do better while they are trying to have fun is quite another.... or worse yet parents who yell at teachers or coaches teaching the child to disrespect those in authority.

    I know how to back off and let them find their own way through most things. I let them handle what they can and am there if they need advice and/or sympathy in dealing with things.

    I do hover a bit when it comes to certain things. I have my son and his friend wait in the house for the bus instead of out at the curb. I think I am the only one in the neighborhood who watches for my son and/or his friends when they walk the less than one block distance between our houses if it is dark out...you can shout to their houses from our house but if it's after dark I usually watch them just in case. I guess some of that hovering comes from reading cases on here.

  7. #7
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    The one thing I have noticed this same trend when you watch shows like Nanny 911 or Wife Swap....you get to see that there are people out there who are micromanaging their childs every move and they think they are grooming their child for success in life when instead they are making the kid a burn out by overpressuring them for perfection. They expect perfect grades, excellence in sports, they intrude into and run every aspect of their kids lives instead of ever letting the kids make their own choices....it's just so obvious they are more concerned with living vicariously through their kids than in the child enjoying his/her own life.

    Then there are the parents who don't really micromanage but they don't manage at all...they are so permissive and overprotective that they won't do anything that makes their children the least bit unhappy...so they have kids who have pacifiers at 5 years old, kids who refuse to sleep in their own beds, kids who don't have any manners, who swear and are rude, who don't appreciate what they are given and leave their broken toys everywhere, are allowed to eat anything they want instead of good meals and are just plain awful to be around....and these parents often expect everyone else to treat their children with the same permissiveness that they have.

  8. #8
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    I would not call that "hovering", I would call it being a responsible parents, doing your job as a parent and ensuring your son and friends are safe. Kudos to you for being on the "front" line and being a responsible parent.

    I am like that too, but I have learned to "let up" when it comes to my 14 year old. I had to, as he was like "Mom I am FOURTEEN", I need my independence, but of course I still worry until he walks through the door.

    When he was in grade 5, he joined an afterschool "ball hockey" community centre league. Just a fun game for the kids after school....

    BUT, there was one parent there(a Father)who would "disparage" and coach his son from the sidelines, and took offence to what the ref was calling. He was ruining it for all of the kids, I guess he thought this was the NHL.

    Well, that did not sit well with me, I put him firmly in his place, big time and he shut the hell up, sat on the sidelines and sulked. Poor baby was only ruining the "fun" game for all of the kids and parents.

    Actually after I said my "bit" to him in no uncertain words, people actually patted me on the back and said "I am glad someone spoke up", which this man overheard and got really pissed off.

    He decided it was in his "best interest" to attend games and be a civil person. He did not want anyone else to "bruise" his ego.

    Ohhhhhh.....

    Poor baby.........

    I can tell you "horror" stories of parents and their kids. I am sure others can also.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by CyberLaw
    I would not call that "hovering", I would call it being a responsible parents, doing your job as a parent and ensuring your son and friends are safe. Kudos to you for being on the "front" line and being a responsible parent.

    I am like that too, but I have learned to "let up" when it comes to my 14 year old. I had to, as he was like "Mom I am FOURTEEN", I need my independence, but of course I still worry until he walks through the door.

    When he was in grade 5, he joined an afterschool "ball hockey" community centre league. Just a fun game for the kids after school....

    BUT, there was one parent there(a Father)who would "disparage" and coach his son from the sidelines, and took offence to what the ref was calling. He was ruining it for all of the kids, I guess he thought this was the NHL.

    Well, that did not sit well with me, I put him firmly in his place, big time and he shut the hell up, sat on the sidelines and sulked. Poor baby was only ruining the "fun" game for all of the kids and parents.

    Actually after I said my "bit" to him in no uncertain words, people actually patted me on the back and said "I am glad someone spoke up", which this man overheard and got really pissed off.

    He decided it was in his "best interest" to attend games and be a civil person. He did not want anyone else to "bruise" his ego.

    Ohhhhhh.....

    Poor baby.........
    Good job !!

    We had a parent at Karate who was always pushing at his kid from the sideline not really too intrusive as you aren't allowed to interfere and you have to whisper as it isn't a noisy sport but an actual class. You could tell he was sort of more interested in the kid being the best at it than the kid was. The kid just wanted to have fun and wasn't worried about being the next 10 year old black belt. Anyway the dad decided to join the class since it is a mixed class of children and beginning adults....LOL he sure toned down after he learned first hand how hard the moves and exersizes were. Now his kid can enjoy class without pressure as dad is too busy huffing and puffing and trying to keep up. As it is the boy has a higher karate rank than his dad.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maybe So
    Good job !!

    We had a parent at Karate who was always pushing at his kid from the sideline not really too intrusive as you aren't allowed to interfere and you have to whisper as it isn't a noisy sport but an actual class. You could tell he was sort of more interested in the kid being the best at it than the kid was. The kid just wanted to have fun and wasn't worried about being the next 10 year old black belt. Anyway the dad decided to join the class since it is a mixed class of children and beginning adults....LOL he sure toned down after he learned first hand how hard the moves and exercises were. Now his kid can enjoy class without pressure as dad is too busy huffing and puffing and trying to keep up. As it is the boy has a higher karate rank than his dad.
    ARGHHHHHHH My son does Martial Arts, Wushu, not the noisey kind Anyway, we go to lots of tournaments and frankly many of the parents there frighten me! Especially during the sparring matches! I just can't stand parents that scream to their children from the sidelines things like, KILL HIM, TAKE HIM OUT, and profanity. I don't allow my son to spar all the time, just when they offer a children's grand champion title & award because of those parents! He sticks to the weapons & forms divisons. I swear I am the ONLY parent not yelling!

    I must confess during class I do criticize and point out flaws, but I also give the thumbs up sign when it's good & he counts on my input. But at tournaments when the other parents are busy yelling & torturing their kids I simply kiss mine tell him to do his best and have fun.


  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maybe So
    Same here. I am there when they need help with their homework and I take an interest in everything they do. Drive them to their sports and watch and even become somewhat involved in helping them with practice and such....but I hate those parents who yell at their kids or interfere by coaching from the side lines....cheering for your kid is one thing...yelling at them or nagging at them to do better while they are trying to have fun is quite another.... or worse yet parents who yell at teachers or coaches teaching the child to disrespect those in authority.

    I know how to back off and let them find their own way through most things. I let them handle what they can and am there if they need advice and/or sympathy in dealing with things.

    I do hover a bit when it comes to certain things. I have my son and his friend wait in the house for the bus instead of out at the curb. I think I am the only one in the neighborhood who watches for my son and/or his friends when they walk the less than one block distance between our houses if it is dark out...you can shout to their houses from our house but if it's after dark I usually watch them just in case. I guess some of that hovering comes from reading cases on here.
    I agree with every word and do the same, I think that's simply called good parenting

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Linda7NJ
    I agree with every word and do the same, I think that's simply called good parenting
    Exactly!

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Linda7NJ
    ARGHHHHHHH My son does Martial Arts, Wushu, not the noisey kind Anyway, we go to lots of tournaments and frankly many of the parents there frighten me! Especially during the sparring matches! I just can't stand parents that scream to their children from the sidelines things like, KILL HIM, TAKE HIM OUT, and profanity. I don't allow my son to spar all the time, just when they offer a children's grand champion title & award because of those parents! He sticks to the weapons & forms divisons. I swear I am the ONLY parent not yelling!

    I must confess during class I do criticize and point out flaws, but I also give the thumbs up sign when it's good & he counts on my input. But at tournaments when the other parents are busy yelling & torturing their kids I simply kiss mine tell him to do his best and have fun.
    Oh yea, I too have told my son he was lazy during warm up exersizes or that he needs to get those kicks higher and make em "snap".....but not to the point of interfering or anything.

    I know what you mean about sparring. Gosh, I don't even really like to watch it. My son is younger so the sparring is pretty mild....but some of the kids who are a little older the parents want them to really go for it. I mean I try to keep in mind that that is someone elses kid that my son is trying to hit so I usually tell him to remember that sparring is about being accurate and scoring points by landing a hit on another person in the target area and not about trying to actually beat or hurt the person. Martial Arts are about self defense anyway....not about fighting. I think some parents forget that when they are watching the sparring. I have seen bouts get almost out of hand and kids crying (and I mean teenagers) because they have gotten too worked up and taken it all too serious and/or gotten hurt. I also really hate when parents tell the kids to "suck it up" if they get hurt....especially boys and girls 12 and under. I'd like to see their parents get accidently hit in the groin or stomach and just "suck it up" and keep fighting...I bet they couldn't do it.

    I am glad that for the most part most of the parents at my son's class feel the same as I do.

    I too like my son to compete at forms because he does well and doesn't have to hurt or hit another person to feel good about winning in those classes. I also like them because I can help him with the forms at home when he wants me to.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maybe So
    The one thing I have noticed this same trend when you watch shows like Nanny 911 or Wife Swap....you get to see that there are people out there who are micromanaging their childs every move and they think they are grooming their child for success in life when instead they are making the kid a burn out by overpressuring them for perfection. They expect perfect grades, excellence in sports, they intrude into and run every aspect of their kids lives instead of ever letting the kids make their own choices....it's just so obvious they are more concerned with living vicariously through their kids than in the child enjoying his/her own life.

    Then there are the parents who don't really micromanage but they don't manage at all...they are so permissive and overprotective that they won't do anything that makes their children the least bit unhappy...so they have kids who have pacifiers at 5 years old, kids who refuse to sleep in their own beds, kids who don't have any manners, who swear and are rude, who don't appreciate what they are given and leave their broken toys everywhere, are allowed to eat anything they want instead of good meals and are just plain awful to be around....and these parents often expect everyone else to treat their children with the same permissiveness that they have.



    Hmmmm, did somebody watch Wife Swap and Super Nanny last night? You nailed their situations bang on!! I hardly ever watch TV but was flipping through some channels last night and stumbled upon Wife Swap and then Super Nanny. Those two shows sure make me feel good about my family. I was stunned by the mum with seven kids!! The two year old outside driving the one year old around on the little tractor thing blew my mind!!!! The mum didn't even know where those two were!!!


    Jubie

  15. #15
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    You all sound like great parents!!

    I have been a stay-at-home for 16 years, and a school volunteer for 11 years. I can say for a fact that our schools love having parent participation.
    While I have certainly seen hoving parents (ick!) the majority of parents are sensible about their actions. I think that includes me

    I would urge everyone to stay involved...keep participating in middle and high school! Now, I don't mean actually in the classroom or directly with your child in a project, but be involved in the school community. Only then can you know what is going on and if needed, you know who to ask for help from.

    Lynie

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