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The Killing Season - Websleuths

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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Posts
    3,295

    Church ladies - funny!

    A friend sent this to me:

    They're Back! Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These
    gems actually appeared in church bulletins, or were announced in
    church services: : )


    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
    tonight:"Searching for Jesus."

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
    those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

    The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
    a conflict.

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
    someone who is hard to love . Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
    much about you.

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
    obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
    nursery downstairs.

    Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the
    help they can get.

    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
    sing: "Break Forth into Joy."

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
    church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
    Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addi tion of
    several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
    person you want remembered.

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
    and gracious hostility.

    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
    may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
    from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
    lend him their electric girdles for the pancake b reakfast next Sunday.

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will m eet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
    the back door.

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
    Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
    this tragedy.

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
    slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!"

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    9,915
    Oh these things crack me up! I was raised in church so I always get a big kick out of these, lol...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    14,797

    Talking

    Good belly laugh...thanks!!!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    9,915
    Quote Originally Posted by concernedperson
    Good belly laugh...thanks!!!
    I liked the one about Self Esteem and Using the Back Door. I have to give this to my friend her and her hubby our in Church Ministry, she will get a kick out of these.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    nowhere special
    Posts
    1,844
    OMG I am rolling!!!!!! I am going to send this to my Pastor!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Central Texas
    Posts
    4,441
    My goodness! I really needed a good laugh today. Thanx!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    4,669
    Thanks, AlwaysShocked!

    I don't usually pass on funnies to everyone I know, but this one's going out anyway!

    Susan

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In a place called Vertigo
    Posts
    17,677
    Thanks for the bit of humor. I was cracking up.

    Gozgals

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    7,119
    I have a funny story along these lines. Our family is good friends with a Pastor I'll call Jim. When he was about to have his 20-yr. high school reunion, he was living far from home and so his parents received the paperwork for him to fill out for the reunion, about his accomplishments since high school, what he was doing, etc. He was very busy so he asked his mom to fill it out for him and mail him a copy.

    This is a very learned and educated man and he has a Doctorate in Sociological Theology from his time in seminary. I'm not sure how this would be abbreviated, but his mom got it very wrong. When he received his copy of what his mom had written and mailed in to the reunion committee, it said, "Jim received an STD in seminary in 2000."

    Needless to say, he got lots of stares, laughs & comments when he attended the reunion.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Central Texas
    Posts
    4,441
    Quote Originally Posted by englishleigh
    I have a funny story along these lines. Our family is good friends with a Pastor I'll call Jim. When he was about to have his 20-yr. high school reunion, he was living far from home and so his parents received the paperwork for him to fill out for the reunion, about his accomplishments since high school, what he was doing, etc. He was very busy so he asked his mom to fill it out for him and mail him a copy.

    This is a very learned and educated man and he has a Doctorate in Sociological Theology from his time in seminary. I'm not sure how this would be abbreviated, but his mom got it very wrong. When he received his copy of what his mom had written and mailed in to the reunion committee, it said, "Jim received an STD in seminary in 2000."

    Needless to say, he got lots of stares, laughs & comments when he attended the reunion.
    How funny!!!!!


  11. #11
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    NSW Australia
    Posts
    9,183
    Some of those were quite funny, but the ones on the board of Rev Lovejoy's church are funnier

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Posts
    2,648
    Quote Originally Posted by michelle
    I liked the one about Self Esteem and Using the Back Door. I have to give this to my friend her and her hubby our in Church Ministry, she will get a kick out of these.
    Although I enjoyed them all, that's the one I was going to mention,lol and the one about the weight watchers using the double wide doors,lol



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