My Experience With Borderline Disorder: By Aprilshowers

Today, 03:14 PM
aprilshowers
Registered User Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 38

My Experience With Borderline Disorder: LONG

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I believe I feel safe enough to post

I thought I'd post in a few separate posts, because one with all the information I want to share, would be very LONG.

So here's just a little background, and I'll continue in my next post.

I'll start out by sharing what I've learned from studying and my psychologist and therapist, about 'borderline personality disorder', which I'll abbreviate as BPD.

This has also been my own PERSONAL experience as well.

Not ALL times, but many many times, BPD is brought on by 'Emotional Incest'
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Emotional Incest:

Emotional incest occurs when a child feels responsible for a parents emotional well-being. This happens because the parents do not know how to have healthy boundaries. It can occur with one or both parents, same sex or opposite sex. It occurs because the parents are emotionally dishonest with themselves and cannot get their emotional needs met by their spouse or other adults. John Bradshaw refers to this dynamic as a parent making the child their "surrogate spouse.

This type of abuse can happen in a variety of ways. On one end of the spectrum the parent emotionally "dumps" on the child. This occurs when a parent talks about adult issues and feelings to a child as if they were a peer. Sometimes both parents will dump on a child in a way that puts the child in the middle of disagreements between the parents - with each complaining about the other.


On the other end of the spectrum is the family where no one talks about their feelings. In this case, though no one is talking about feelings, there are still emotional undercurrents present in the family which the child senses and feels some responsibility for - even if they haven't got a clue as to what the tension, anger, fear, or hurt are all about.


Emotional incest from either parent is devastating to the child's ability to be able to set boundaries and take care of getting their own needs met when they become an adult. This type of abuse, when inflicted by the opposite sex parent, can have a devastating effect on the adult/child's relationship with his/her own sexuality and gender, and their ability to have successful intimate relationships as an adult.



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Continued in next post.

Today, 03:21 PM
aprilshowers
Registered User Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 43

My Experience With Borderline Disorder: 2

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In my case, it was my mother who leaned on me to be the 'surrogate spouse'.



My parents were not there for each other emotionally, they fought allot and my mother came to me for her comfort and happiness, beginning when I was a very young child.


My brother died 5 years before I was born, and when I was 5, I nearly died from the same illness ... which caused her to cling even MORE to me, and depend on me even MORE.


I was the 'chosen child' and it was a very hard role to live.


I felt totally responsible for her happiness, and all though it would seem as an adult, I could move past this, it isn't like that .. because it's ingrained, and it's all you know, which causes horrible 'guilt' if you deter from it.



Anyway ... I was diagnosed as a teenager, and I'll explain how Casey shows some of how I was before medication.


I'm not sure of course, if emotional incest was a part of her childhood or not, nor in what way ... so I'm not making any judgements on her or her parents, I'm just sharing my story ... and you can decide if it seems to fit in with her actions, etc.


Starting at the age of 15, I was very emotional ... when a boy broke up with me, I would be devastated, not your usual 'teen' stuff, but it was so deep, that I scared myself. I would cry for forever, and then I would 'act' out or 'do something' to cause worry and concern to those that claimed they loved me, to see if they REALLY did.


I 'set up' scenarios that would SEEM to be serious or dangerous, so that somebody would have to 'rescue' me. Or that I really NEEDED to rescue me, so that they would PROVE their love for me.


It was the MOST important thing in the WORLD to me, that they came running after me to save me!! If they didn't ... it would break me and crush me horribly for years, thereby causing me to believe I wasn't worth anything to them, not worth saving .. and my self esteem would go down so far, each time this happened, that I had very little left, if any.


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I'd like to ask here, would you rather I just put all the information together in ONE post, or break it up as I'm doing?


Thanks

Today, 03:36 PM
aprilshowers
Registered User Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 43

My Experience With Borderline Disorder: 3

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I carried these actions into my young adult years and even into my adult years. When I was dating a man, I would set up a 'scenario' to cause it to look like I was in trouble, so he would 'rescue' me. Again, if he did ... it was the most wonderful feeling in the world, if he didn't, it devastated me.

Example: I would go to a bar and drink until I was fairly drunk, but still coherant enough to 'set up' the scenario. I would then call the man in my life and tell him that there was a person or people who were threatening my life outside the bar .. holding me hostage in a car, etc. .. so he would have to come get me. Even as I type ... this all seems like a dream to me now, but it actually was this way.

At one time, when I was in my late 20's, I ran into an old boyfriend, and got in his car and he took me to his apt. for a few drinks. I asked him to go get a pizza, and then proceeded to call my 'current' boyfriend, and tell him this old boyfriend had flipped and took me against my will, and was holding me with a gun, and threatening me. Can you imagine? I shudder now, to even think I did something SO foolish!

I was TRULY hoping my boyfriend and my Dad would come for me ... and they did, ALONG with 4 police cars and my brother-in-law! I was told by my dad to come out of the house and wait in the yard ... and when I saw all the people outside, I got a bit scared that I had gone too far. But you know, this disorder actually DOES cause you to BELIEVE what you conjured up! I truly put myself in the 'act' shall I say ... was crying and shaking and the whole thing.

Won't go into everything, but it was wonderful to see my dad there worried, my brother in law ready to kill him and my boyfriend, who later became my first husband.

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I'll stop here and explain the next much important REASON for all this, in the next post.

Today, 03:39 PM
aprilshowers
Registered User Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 42

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorvillian
Aprilshowers - Thanks for sharing your story, it seems like it could be helpful in understanding Casey's thought process.

I like the way you are breaking it up into sections, it's easier to digest that way.

You're very welcome Dorvillian ... the more I read and thought about Casey, the more I saw ME in HER. I'm not saying this is the case, just that it brought back allot of BAD memories.

But if those experiences might help, I'll gladly share.

Today, 03:41 PM
Dorvillian
Registered User Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 35

Aprilshowers,

OMG! That's...wow, just wow.

I think I may have dated you in the late eighties.

Today, 03:41 PM
LindaK
Registered User Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 39

Quote:
Originally Posted by aprilshowers
I carried these actions into my young adult years and even into my adult years. When I was dating a man, I would set up a 'scenario' to cause it to look like I was in trouble, so he would 'rescue' me. Again, if he did ... it was the most wonderful feeling in the world, if he didn't, it devastated me.

Example: I would go to a bar and drink until I was fairly drunk, but still coherant enough to 'set up' the scenario. I would then call the man in my life and tell him that there was a person or people who were threatening my life outside the bar .. holding me hostage in a car, etc. .. so he would have to come get me. Even as I type ... this all seems like a dream to me now, but it actually was this way.

At one time, when I was in my late 20's, I ran into an old boyfriend, and got in his car and he took me to his apt. for a few drinks. I asked him to go get a pizza, and then proceeded to call my 'current' boyfriend, and tell him this old boyfriend had flipped and took me against my will, and was holding me with a gun, and threatening me. Can you imagine? I shudder now, to even think I did something SO foolish!

I was TRULY hoping my boyfriend and my Dad would come for me ... and they did, ALONG with 4 police cars and my brother-in-law! I was told by my dad to come out of the house and wait in the yard ... and when I saw all the people outside, I got a bit scared that I had gone too far. But you know, this disorder actually DOES cause you to BELIEVE what you conjured up! I truly put myself in the 'act' shall I say ... was crying and shaking and the whole thing.

Won't go into everything, but it was wonderful to see my dad there worried, my brother in law ready to kill him and my boyfriend, who later became my first husband.

--------------------------------------------------

I'll stop here and explain the next much important REASON for all this, in the next post.

So very interesting. As I said, is it possible that Casey actually believes herself?
__________________

Today, 04:36 PM
Beagle1
Registered User Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
Posts: 149

Quote:
Originally Posted by aprilshowers
Yes, very much so!

Aprilshowers, please continue sharing your experiences. I have been lurking and waiting for the next section. lol

All indications are that Casey has experienced something akin to what you are writing about.

Thanks

WindChime said:

Today, 03:21 PM
aprilshowers
Registered User Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 43

My Experience With Borderline Disorder: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In my case, it was my mother who leaned on me to be the 'surrogate spouse'.



My parents were not there for each other emotionally, they fought allot and my mother came to me for her comfort and happiness, beginning when I was a very young child.


My brother died 5 years before I was born, and when I was 5, I nearly died from the same illness ... which caused her to cling even MORE to me, and depend on me even MORE.


I was the 'chosen child' and it was a very hard role to live.


I felt totally responsible for her happiness, and all though it would seem as an adult, I could move past this, it isn't like that .. because it's ingrained, and it's all you know, which causes horrible 'guilt' if you deter from it.



Anyway ... I was diagnosed as a teenager, and I'll explain how Casey shows some of how I was before medication.


I'm not sure of course, if emotional incest was a part of her childhood or not, nor in what way ... so I'm not making any judgements on her or her parents, I'm just sharing my story ... and you can decide if it seems to fit in with her actions, etc.


Starting at the age of 15, I was very emotional ... when a boy broke up with me, I would be devastated, not your usual 'teen' stuff, but it was so deep, that I scared myself. I would cry for forever, and then I would 'act' out or 'do something' to cause worry and concern to those that claimed they loved me, to see if they REALLY did.


I 'set up' scenarios that would SEEM to be serious or dangerous, so that somebody would have to 'rescue' me. Or that I really NEEDED to rescue me, so that they would PROVE their love for me.


It was the MOST important thing in the WORLD to me, that they came running after me to save me!! If they didn't ... it would break me and crush me horribly for years, thereby causing me to believe I wasn't worth anything to them, not worth saving .. and my self esteem would go down so far, each time this happened, that I had very little left, if any.


-------------------------------------------------------


I'd like to ask here, would you rather I just put all the information together in ONE post, or break it up as I'm doing?


Thanks

Click to expand...

i read this and it makes sense to me .personally i see this kind of relationship between my brother and my mother.there is such an emotional connection between them that they seem like they were married in a past life. thank you so much for explaining this.

Thank you Windchime

Yes Marly, I actually started this same 'situation' with my own son, when he was younger. It was leaning toward what my Mom did to me, and I recognized it thankfully!

I stopped it DEAD ... and now we have a really healthy relationship.

aprilshowers said:

Thank you Windchime

Click to expand...

April,
You are so very brave to share all this. Unfortunately, it is making me very sad, too, because I have experienced all the things that you have in slightly different ways. I, too, carried it into my adult life and was in therapy for many, many years. Interestingly enough, it is because of this that I went on to become a therapist. (I think a lot of therapists have similar situations.)

I did not have exactly the same situation with the parents, but I have a good friend who has been diagnosed with BPD and she did. My parents were more interested in themselves and their relationship.

I was never diagnosed as BPD, but I am older and as you probably know, BPD tends to fade with age. I deal mainly with depression now, but I have been on medication for many years. I'm not sure BPD was diagnosed as much 30-40 years ago. In fact, it's often over-diagnosed today. But, suffice it to say it's a pretty good bet we both experienced it.

For those of you wondering, I also took my mom's credit card - many years ago - and used it all the time. Long story, but she didn't find out b/c it came to my address. I also did the whole "come rescue me" bit.

Someone mentioned that professional therapy is needed here and that is correct. It is through therapy and restructuring thinking patterns that this is dealt with - along with meds in many cases.

I admire that you shared this, April, so I wanted to verify some of what you said.

Tori

My thanks too April. It makes me think that I talk to my one kiddo a bit too much about personal issues. YIKES I will tone that down for sure... anyway, your sharing will enrich us all.

Tori, will reply in a bit ... I HAVE to go to store for food .. or else I'll be passing out from hunger. LOL

BRB

Susie, I'm so glad you see that, it's SO easy to do, isn't it?

I started it with my oldest son .. but I recognized it and stopped. So glad I did!

I read this thread and wondered how it could relate to Cindy and Casey just from what little we know. One thing that caught my eye was Cindy's July 3rd Myspace talking about repeated betrayal. I'm not sure I would ever use that term to describe something that my daughters had done to me.

txsvicki said:

I read this thread and wondered how it could relate to Cindy and Casey just from what little we know. One thing that caught my eye was Cindy's July 3rd Myspace talking about repeated betrayal. I'm not sure I would ever use that term to describe something that my daughters had done to me.

Click to expand...

Yes, I noticed that as well. Also, the entire message would have bothered a person with BPD (if I understand it correctly). Her message could have been interpreted as saying that you (Casey) are worthless. i.e. "I do everything for you and Caylee and you do nothing". I really don't know what I am trying to say here other than, that message overall seemed demeaning to me if Casey does have self-esteem problems.

txsvicki said:

I read this thread and wondered how it could relate to Cindy and Casey just from what little we know. One thing that caught my eye was Cindy's July 3rd Myspace talking about repeated betrayal. I'm not sure I would ever use that term to describe something that my daughters had done to me.

Click to expand...

Vicki,
Is there a link for the myspace stuff? I tried to get to one and I couldn't get a thing. If you know, could you pass it on.
Thanks!

Beagle1 said:

Yes, I noticed that as well. Also, the entire message would have bothered a person with BPD (if I understand it correctly). Her message could have been interpreted as saying that you (Casey) are worthless. i.e. "I do everything for you and Caylee and you do nothing". I really don't know what I am trying to say here other than, that message overall seemed demeaning to me if Casey does have self-esteem problems.

Click to expand...

So true! Also, in many families there is a "scapegoat." This is the person who always screws up - or so others seem to say. Once a person is given that designation they will usually live up to it! It's very difficult to walk away from.

I was that person in my family; however, April was the chosen one and so was a friend of mine whose mother could not bear for her to leave her. So much goes into the development of a human!!

Beagle1 said:

Yes, I noticed that as well. Also, the entire message would have bothered a person with BPD (if I understand it correctly). Her message could have been interpreted as saying that you (Casey) are worthless. i.e. "I do everything for you and Caylee and you do nothing". I really don't know what I am trying to say here other than, that message overall seemed demeaning to me if Casey does have self-esteem problems.

Click to expand...

Came in a bit late here but are we suggesting that just because she has BPD she could do this to her daughter???? I have BPD but all I know about it it's more from a childhood trauma - I mean I guess emotional incest could count as that and what WindChime describes is dead on behavior but none of that says anyone with BPD doesn't know right from wrong....maybe I'm just coming in too late to add anything here. But I get a little irritated when people start suggesting that mental illness is an excuse for these kinds of things. I live with this every day of my life and have 5 kids, a full time job and realize that I cannot use this as an excuse for my behavior. JMO.

Tori2 said:

So true! Also, in many families there is a "scapegoat." This is the person who always screws up - or so others seem to say. Once a person is given that designation they will usually live up to it! It's very difficult to walk away from.

I was that person in my family; however, April was the chosen one and so was a friend of mine whose mother could not bear for her to leave her. So much goes into the development of a human!!

Click to expand...

I don't think we have learned as parents just what impact we can have on a sensitive child. I have a family member who has BPD and I have studied it extensively, trying to understand how people with BPD must feel. In this case, I can't bring myself to conclude that Casey intentionally harmed her child - BPD or no. I am having trouble incorporating that into BPD symptoms. I was hoping that Aprilshowers would complete her story and tie in how BPD plays a part in the actual disappearance of Caylee.

I have to mow my lawn before rain starts. I hope all of you who have knowledge of BPD will be on later. Later...