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  1. #1
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    What is considered CONTROLLING?

    Everyone looks from different angles at what is considered controlling.
    Post your thoughts and insight here.
    “It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." ~Mark Twain~

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by jmflu
    Just because a person is not locked up in chains in their home does not mean they are not living with a controlling person!

    Your right. But She had choices. Most women that are truly controlled really have NO way out or they feel that they don't. Nancy did. She took trips without Brad. She had a family that was supportive and knew how to handle the court system. There are ways around the passport issue, look at all the illegal aliens. My husband can be controlling. But I am not controlled. I have a car, a limited access to money, I do what I want, when I want. I have choices. It appeared Nancy did too. Women that are truly controlled normally do not have a supportive family,friends, access to money, nor transportation and they live in constant fear. Nancy had friends, access to some money, transportation and a supportive family. I'm not saying that Brad didn't have control issues. I just don't think, IMO, that she was a true controlled woman.


  3. #3
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    But I don't think the issue is whether Nancy was truly controlled. Isn't it, rather, that Brad was controlling? Whether it was effective or not, and to what degree, does not make him any less controlling!

  4. #4
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    Yeah Mom! This is a topic that has needed some exploring, IMHO.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmflu View Post
    But I don't think the issue is whether Nancy was truly controlled. Isn't it, rather, that Brad was controlling? Whether it was effective or not, and to what degree, does not make him any less controlling!


    He may have been contolling but did he actually control her?

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmflu View Post
    But I don't think the issue is whether Nancy was truly controlled. Isn't it, rather, that Brad was controlling? Whether it was effective or not, and to what degree, does not make him any less controlling!
    But what did he try to control?

    1. Reducing the outrageous level of spending they both did.
    2. Keeping her from taking their kids outside of the country without consent.
    3. moving forward with getting the house ready to sell
    4. ????


    My opinion:

    1. Justified and agreed to by her dad.
    2. Justified as I've said many times
    3. Petty and childish, but probably something many divorcing spouses go through.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmflu View Post
    But I don't think the issue is whether Nancy was truly controlled. Isn't it, rather, that Brad was controlling? Whether it was effective or not, and to what degree, does not make him any less controlling!
    So BC, despite his controlling nature did not to any degree control NC but is guilty by virtue of capability only?

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by ncsu95 View Post
    But what did he try to control?

    1. Reducing the outrageous level of spending they both did.
    2. Keeping her from taking their kids outside of the country without consent.
    3. moving forward with getting the house ready to sell
    4. ????


    My opinion:

    1. Justified and agreed to by her dad.
    2. Justified as I've said many times
    3. Petty and childish, but probably something many divorcing spouses go through.
    AGAIN, you are focusing on JUSTIFICATION. I am talking about whether Brad was controlling, or not.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by rwesafe View Post
    So BC, despite his controlling nature did not to any degree control NC but is guilty by virtue of capability only?
    You can say a person is a controlling person whether they are successful at it or not!

    For instance, say my spouse says he forbids me to go out tonight.

    He hides the keys to the car from me.

    Now, whether or not I find the keys and go anyway, or whether or not I am meeting another man or merely a friend for a cup of coffee... has not my spouse demonstrated that he can be controlling?

  10. #10
    Don't we all try to control our own lives as much as we can? Generally, wives can try to control men by withholding sex and spending their money. Husbands try to control wives by withholding money. When one files for divorce, both parties go into self-protection mode.

    If ONE of them stopped fighting and chose submission, things could turn around. They both have tremendous power and can CHOOSE to give up that power for the benefit of their children.

    BC and NC obviously were on a very sad path that did not benefit their children. Either he murdered her as an end result of all the selfishness (on both their parts,) or she happened to get murdered by a stranger while all this ugliness was proceeding.

    As for control, I think trying to control a situation is what we all naturally do. Who wants to be out of control?


  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmflu View Post
    AGAIN, you are focusing on JUSTIFICATION. I am talking about whether Brad was controlling, or not.
    No, I'm asking you to add to the list of ways that he controlled her. I also offered my opinion on the 3 ways that people have said he controlled her. But please, add more to my list.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmflu View Post
    You can say a person is a controlling person whether they are successful at it or not!

    For instance, say my spouse says he forbids me to go out tonight.

    He hides the keys to the car from me.

    Now, whether or not I find the keys and go anyway, or whether or not I am meeting another man or merely a friend for a cup of coffee... has not my spouse demonstrated that he can be controlling?
    No, I think he has just demonstrated that he is an A-hole and has little to no control at all.

  13. #13
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    Isn't 'control' also a state of mind? If you say I'm not being controlled, but in my rel'p I feel controlled then who's right?

    If my spouse tells me to do something and I do it because I want to avoid a fight or a scene or I want to avoid consequences of not doing it is that 'control?'

    Who gets to decide the meaning of control? I would think the person in the relationship gets to decide what feels controlling for themselves.

    Nancy told people she felt controlled and trapped. You can argue and debate whether she was or wasn't, but in her own mind, she was. She felt it, therefore she defined what it meant to her.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by SleuthyGal View Post
    Isn't 'control' also a state of mind? If you say I'm not being controlled, but in my rel'p I feel controlled then who's right?

    If my spouse tells me to do something and I do it because I want to avoid a fight or a scene or I want to avoid consequences of not doing it is that 'control?'

    Who gets to decide the meaning of control? I would think the person in the relationship gets to decide what feels controlling for themselves.

    Nancy told people she felt controlled and trapped. You can argue and debate whether she was or wasn't, but in her own mind, she was. She felt it, therefore she defined what it meant to her.

    Yes she did.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by SleuthyGal View Post
    Isn't 'control' also a state of mind? If you say I'm not being controlled, but in my rel'p I feel controlled then who's right?

    If my spouse tells me to do something and I do it because I want to avoid a fight or a scene or I want to avoid consequences of not doing it is that 'control?'

    Who gets to decide the meaning of control? I would think the person in the relationship gets to decide what feels controlling for themselves.

    Nancy told people she felt controlled and trapped. You can argue and debate whether she was or wasn't, but in her own mind, she was. She felt it, therefore she defined what it meant to her.
    That's a fair and reasonable argument. I bet Nancy did feel controlled and trapped. She couldn't spend money like she always had. She couldn't just leave and take her kids to Canada. So yes, I agree Nancy felt controlled and trapped.

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