Matt Tobey, a little on the wild side
Politics and You
John Ramsey's Run for the Michigan House
by Matthew Tobey
John Ramsey, father of slain miniature beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, has announced that he intends to run as a Republican for a soon-to-be-vacated seat in the Michigan State House of Representatives. While the news of Phil Collinsí ferret giving birth would have certainly raised more eyebrows, the news made my blood run cold.
If Ramsey wins, not only will there suddenly be one more jackass in the government to cater to the wants of the out of control childrenís cosmetics lobby, but it will no doubt open the door to a flood of 90ís-era news celebrities running for office.
Before we know it, Joey Buttafuoco will be running for governor of New York, attracting voters with his plan to balance the budget by selling off all of the stateís dirt. The tempting financial tactic will be too tempting for voters to resist, but in the end, the scheme will prove disastrous when New Yorkers find themselves living atop the earthís mantle. And if history has taught us anything, itís that itís pretty difficult to hold a recall election when the entire constituency is melting and/or on fire.
And if you think thatís bad, just wait until Lyle and Erik Menendez run against each other to be Californiaís Secretary of State. Being that both brothers are currently serving life sentences in prison, their staffs will be completely comprised of other inmates, with Erik enlisting the help of the Bloods and Lyle gaining the backing of the skinheads. Upping the ante, Erik will promise to crackdown on unlicensed notaries, a position that will convince the Crips to put their emotions aside and join the Bloods for the good of the State.
With the pressure on, Lyle will make some backroom deals to garner the support of the California penal systemís most powerful gang: the pirates. It isnít publicized much, but The Golden Stateís correctional facilities are teaming with convicted pirates, and theyíre quite a bunch of movers and shakers.
With the campaigns resorting to dirty tactics, mudslinging will turn to shiv-sticking, and nothing turns voters off more than blood. Seeing no clear difference between the two, Californians will ultimately overlook Erik and Lyle in favor of a third candidate: John Wayne Bobbit.
So unless you want to see a maniacal fascist dictator in Californiaís Secretary of State office, it might be in your best interest to see that John Ramsey loses in November. A2P