Reference: Typed Letters List ONLY

[headndownstream]

I typed out the first letter from the new documents released Tues from WESH.com. It's 11 pages long so I'll probably have to post it in several posts. I underlined areas I couldn't read, and pardon any errors I might have made.
Transcribed from:
http://www.wesh.com/download/2010/0406/23069066.pdf

Starts here:
Postmarked Oct 21, 08

Page 1

Cookie
So, I like have this super cool pen, and it’s blue! Thanks for my newest contraband. I have to get used to having something so sturdy to write with. You should see my try to sign something with a regular pen, and add handcuffs-it’s comical. The boys always have a good laugh at my expense, I mean, with me-Ha! I can’t believe how much we’ve written in just a few days. That’s what happens when one or two in our case, is starved to open and honest and uncensored conversation. I definitely agree with you about everything, especially the horrible feeling of betrayal and not wanted to EVER betray someone you care about. We’ve both had to deal with a lot of that since last summer and even well before all of this, but it never gets and easier. Even knowing that God is on our side and we will ultimately have the greatest rewards, at what cost? In order to have life we must take our old lives to that we may be reborn, check the light is clearly shining at the end of the tunnel, but how long is this tunnel. I’m not the biggest fan of overly dark places. Scary things hide in the dark. Especially bugs, spiders, gross! Speaking of bugs and spiders…our exe's sure are winners aren’t they! At least I know well, am 99% sure that Cays isn’t Jesse’s. We had a paternity test done when she was a couple weeks old and it took FOREVER to get the results back, which I’ve been told shouldn’t have been the case,

Page 2
and according to the paper he brought to my house in late Sept.’05, Jesse wasn’t the father. Joy to the World! The strange thing is, Baez asked for him to give a sample of his DNA, and he refused! We wanted to see whether or not the test results from 4 years ago were true. Drama. Despite that loser, and I pity him and his self-righteous Christian family, His dad claims to be the “right hand of God”. Hate to burst his bubble, but Jesus sits there. I totally know what you went through with Sam’s dad. Same exact feelings. J’s dad had towards me. And no, they aren’t Spanish, something almost worst-Italian. I always liked Italian guys, but I’ve come to realize that I need to stick to my roots and go Irish. They may be drunks, but at least they cook and know how to properly treat a woman. Can I get an Amen? Boy do we have tons in common! And as far as us being “partners in legal crime”, I’m not sure where I was going with it, but I’m glad you enjoyed it! That could be one of our bumper stickers! RV pricing will be fun. It will be custom designed, all colorful and creative. I wonder what will happen when you put two photographers/artists together in one RV? We’ll know soon enough! I know I’m skipping all over the place again tonight. I feel like I’m on a huge sugar high. Thank you 3 packages of cocoa. I was only engaged once, 6 months, planning a wedding was terribly fun I have to admit. I’m glad you never married Sammy boy. Someday I’ll meet the guy and I promise, I’ll play nice. I am extremely

(see next post)

[headndownstream]

Page 3
protective of those that _______, especially my new sister! You have two very intelligent kids, and I know how hard it is for you and I can only imagine what they’re going through. You will prevail and you and Mady & Josh(?) Will be closer than ever. Just don’t give up hope. Keep encouraging them and showing them the real you. They’ll see through what ever Sam says, even if (sadly) he is able to manipulate them. In the end, he’ll be the biggest loser because they’ll see what kind of guy his is and they’ll know how important it its to trust God first. I’m sorry you’re going through even more useless drama with Clay’s momma. She obviously made up her mind a along time ago and is being stubborn. Pray for her enlightenment and Clays Grandma, she’s old school, like my grand parents, and in their eyes, the wife, girlfriend, daughter, whomever the female is, is ultimately to blame. Definitely messed up, but that’s the way things were for them. If their husband cheated, it was the wife’s fault. You get the point. Sexist and unlawful, but it is what it is. At least this generation isn’t like that and there are men out there that will sacrifice life and limb for someone they love. There’s always hope, especially for you and Clay. Like you said, you’ve made it though so much over the years. You obviously love him, and I’m glad that you can admit it without hesitation as I’ve said before, do what is good for YOU. I got your back girl, no matter what!

Page 4
You don’t know how deeply I respect you for all of the strength that you possess. You’ve experienced so much and I’m in awe. I am truly honored and humbled that you shared all of that with _______ will I judge you! There is nothing you could ever say or do that would or could make me uncomfortable. And you know that I will take these thought to the grave with me. It is between me, you and God. I couldn’t help but cry reading about Hamilton and Sam and all of that. I’m just to glad you made it through everything and that you’re in my life. Abuse is nothing to joke about nor is it something to take lightly, and it is definitely something that will stick with you for the rest of your life. Believe me, I can understand why you hold things against Sam more than David. And I respect the fact that you held ground against the feds. I know that wasn’t easy. And again, let the similarities roll on. My situation with living at home with Cays and my folks, staying home all day and going out at night looking for Mr. Right, same exact situation. I don’t know one single mom who doesn’t try to get their freedom, regardless of how old they are. That’s one of the biggest things that truly cuts me when I hear them talk about me as a mother-I was a great Mom! And I love my daughter with EVERY THING that I have. I would give my life to have her back even for 5 minutes. It’s so frustrating! I had a miscarriage, in ‘07 that only a small handful of friends knew about. I made the mistake of telling Lee, and the week of my 21st birthday, he told my mom. Lovely. I may have a big mouth but I can keep

Cont'd next post

[headndownstream]

PAGE 5
a secret. Obviously most people aren’t that loyal. Oh well, we live and learn. Stumble and fall, and we dust ourselves off and keep moving forward. It’s a comfort to know that other people have BS Too! How right you are Sis, the name game….Alyssa and Alexa, and Madison was one of the names I was thinking about for Caylee, and Riley. It’s funny you said Alyssa, because for years I’ve been told that I look like Alyssa Milano. I’ll take that as a compliment. Alexa is close to Alexander-my Romanian grandfather’s name. Adding on a name is a good idea. I’m going to give it some thought, but your ideas and suggestions are perfect as usual! You do know me very well my dear! I absolutely LOVE Mady’s 3 names! Mai’li is really pretty. Honestly, that suits you too. Because you have that exotic look. I say you embrace it. Sorry about the bad dream. I’ve been having some about my mom. Not pretty. Clay’s ex, that Hussy! You know your man loves you and he needs your support. Have you thought about writing him? Question…if money wasn’t a factor, do you think Clay would want to try to appeal his sentence? I’m praying for him. Now Mr Italy, Mass. Sorry but I’m really NOT interested. He “seems” nice, but loony. I’ll show you the cards & letters. You’ll see what I mean. His name is Al. And Mr Melbourne is Rob. And no silly, I haven’t written to ANY one. Are you kidding? I’ll have TOO many thank
page 6
you’s to deliver/send out when I’m home, but until then homie don’t play that. Did you ever watch In Living Color? Wow! One of THE BEST comedy shows EVER. SNL and Mad TV have nothing on ILC. Jennifer Lopez was one of the Fly Girl darleas. Too many of the Wayans’ were present. Jim Carey was his regular self. I wonder if I could download some episodes? Curious. As far as my plans for when I leave, besides trying to entertain your behind until I get to drag you out of wherever, I’m not sure. I’ll start getting things together for our RV trips and such. By going home though, I don’t think I’ll be “home’. I don’t know if I’ll be comfortable going back there after everything that’s happened. There’s much to share, and I promise, before we’re separated, I’ll try and fill you in one EVERTHING. Another subject change-sorry about your lip! Canker sores suck! And yea, you are a mess, but I love ya! You’ve’ had two kids and you have a killer tattoo, not to mention all of the other badass things you’ve done. The little pains are ALWAYS the worst. I have a couple paper cuts and I want to cry when I wash my hands, yet, when I slammed my leg into a chair in the class room, I was fine. Madness! By the way, we’re getting tattoos. No like in Dude Where’s My Car, but something to that effect Now that you mention it, I have noticed that 5 & 10 don’t argue! And you’re right, there is NO WAY the devil would argue with himself. He’s got a few screws loose, and I’m so not a fan! Baby talk…I always wanted to adopt a baby or child from another country-is it selfish to want one from Ireland? Accent and all?

Cont'd next post

[headndownstream]

Page 7
If I do it someday, I’ll adopt local-US wise. So many kids and teens are homeless and that’s something I want to target. And yes, missing children as well. That sits too close to my heart and I wish there was something we could do to prevent it. In the coming days before the Rapture, more kids will go missing. Such a terrifying thought! I’m struggling too with taking things into my own hands. But if I do, it may not be all for God’s glory. Nice guys may finish last here on earth, but in Heaven, we are all winners. A satisfying thought. I can’t help but read over parts of your letter, and every part of me wishes I could take away all of that pain you went through and the pain you still have. Whether it weighs less than an ounce or a ton, always remember that you can ALWAYS unload that weight. Your secrets are my secrets forever and for always. When I tell Cays how much I love her, I’ve always ended it with “forever and always” I still do to this day. I talk to her thoughout the day, as I do Daddy, and it brings a sense of peace to my heart thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. I’m an emotional wreck. I’ve gotten good at hiding how I feel with most people, but I can’t with you. Nor do I want to. I trust you with my life and with my secrets, big and small. And for the same reasons you were worried about making me feel uncomfortable, again, I know how you feel. It’s hard to unload a burden and

Page 8
to do so without feeling like you’re burdening the other person. But as always, we have to very much in common, both good and the bad. I know how it feels to be physically emotionally and mentally abused. And I also know how it feels to be sexually abused. It’s taken a long time for me to forgive and I’ve been somewhat successful in doing so. The worst part is, when I tried to confide in someone before-Jesse, my Mom, they turned on me. I was to blame for my own brother walking into my room at night and feeling my breasts while I slept. I woke up night after night with my sports bra lifted up over my chest or if I had on a regular bra, it would be unhooked. Even if I was doing karate in my sleep, that wouldn’t have happened. I woke up many times to a flashlight on my face, and he would be sitting on my floor, in front of the bed, starring at me. This went on for over 3 years before I finally stood up to Lee and told him if he ever came in my room again, I’d kill him. I was 15. It started just before I turned 12. When I told my mom about it two years ago, she made excuses, saying that he was sleep walking. Not only did she say I was lying, but when I explained everything her reaction was literally, like a knife in my chest-“So that’s why you’re a whore?!” I don’t think having sex with 7 people makes me a whore, but I could be wrong. Over the past few months, I’ve been having really vivid dreams and it’s obvious that they are dreams of things that have already happened. I think my Dad used to do the same thing to me but when I was much younger. I can see him in my room exactly the way it was when in elementary school.

Cont'd next post

[headndownstream]

Page 9
And everything gets fuzzy. But I wake up feeling both sore and sick to my stomach, they way I used to feel growing up. That’s part of the reason I haven’t been sleeping much or very well lately. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I have to much anxiety with my parents. I was able to get passed thing with Lee, and when I was 18, no one knows that I went to get help except for you now. I found the courage to finally tell him and I forgive him, and know that he never asked me what I was forgiving him for I think he must have known. That’s why we’re more friends than brother and sister. It’s easier to look to him as my friend, but even with openly forgiving him, part of that pain will ALWAYS live in me. Not knowing about my dad, it’s opened up a whole new case of insecurity and I don’t know if I want to know but I think I need to. Please, pray for me. Why after all this time is this all surfacing? Sometimes the cynical side of me keeps saying “jokes on me” If there’s more to this, is it possible to be everything to everyone and trying to please everybody. I put on a good front but inside, I was constantly falling apart. I don’t know what I would do without God and my relationship with him, or my relationship with you. I know I’ll get through this, but I have so many questions

Page 10
that I don’t know how to handle them all at once. I AM strong, and I AM confident in whom I AM, but I don’t like looking back at who I was, or what I was made to be. I’ve always had issues trusting people and I know that when I was a kid because of my parents and their relationship, but I have never stopped trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and even after they screw me over 100 times I’ll give them another chance. 70 X 7, huh? Blah, what if I don’t wanna? I’ve had to forgive what happened to my Caylee, but I’m still angry. If it weren’t for God, screw where I’m sitting now. If it weren’t for him and for my unconditional love for my daughter, I would end whoever is responsible. It’s not my battle. You want to know something, I know that Caylee’s nanny, the “real” Zenaida, the girl who was my friend for 4 years, I know in my heart that she’s not showing her face. Would you want to be sitting here with me for something you didn’t do? Considering the circumstances, you technically are and it still sucks. And I know this goes without saying, but outside myself and my legal team, not a soul knows this. I was going to take Caylee and move away. Unfortunately, my plans got beyond tangled when Zany wouldn’t tell me where she and Cays were. I had asked her to take Cays for a few days so I could put the rest of our stuff together, money I had saved, new clothes, new everything. That’s why I waited to report her missing, because she was and wasn’t. I would give ANYTHING to go back to that day and to not have let Caylee out of my sight.

Page 11
I have no more secrets ____ a small empty place in heart that only God can ____. But you’re there right now next to Caylee. Someday…someday.

Now I’m depressed and sad but relieved that you know my heart. New Beginnings. I can’t wait to be out of limbo-word game_____Lame jokes, nervous laugh.

Sincere thanks for visiting and putting up with me. You really are the best friend I have ever had next to God and Caylee. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I’ve already asked for _____ and the Big Man and I have come to and _____. Oh! Well, Maybe _____secret, unless I already told you this. I started having seizures when I was home in September-we think they were caused ____stress. I’ve had a few others while being here. So if I ever complain of a headache, please remind me to take something for it. That was the only sign before it happened and always in my sleep. I’m a mess!

Thanks again for my favorite pen EVER! My hand doesn’t even hurt. Good job Sis! I’m going to stop rambling for now. I’ll write you over the weekend. I love you Robyn, and for now, I will call you Lily, Not sure why, but it just came to me J
G’night! (heart drawn here)
Muffin

[Sundance]

Page 13600

From your deeply concerned, and ever-present friend:

For the moment, I completely disregarded my other letter, seeing as how you need more than those words could have offered. I’ll enclose it, along with another, probably tomorrow, in case we don’t get the chance to talk beforehand. In any case, my heart absolutely is breaking for you. I’m both sad, angry, and then frustrated, and even sadder. I keep trying to figure out what else I can do to help you. I knew this fact before, and it has stuck with me, however, I believe it even more strongly – we were put in each other’s lives for a reason, during the most difficult part of our separate journeys, because God doesn’t want either of us to feel alone. Yes, we have both grasped His hand, His love, and we’ve both begun to see our deeper purpose in life, especially being Moms. But, in your moments of greatest weakness, to have a physical shoulder to lean on, is one of His greatest comforts, and one of His greatest gifts. (Sorry, my pen is acting so darn silly today!) I really wish I knew what I could do to help you, besides ramble on about some of life’s greatest philosophies, and completely butcher the greater half of the English language in the process. If I could give you a hug, believe me, I would. I’m crying with you, for you, and I’m praying even

(Written in the left margin of page 1

As you told me: “But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.” Jeremiah 17:7 *Never lost faith! (Heart)

Page 2
Harder for your miracle. To be completely honest, part of me wants to smack your attorney for not giving a damn about you, your life, and fight until you’re fully exonerated. I’ve seen how selfish some attorneys can be, court appointed or not. Just because someone has money doesn’t mean that someone not as well as you or myself even, isn’t entitled to our country’s legal system, it makes me sick. Whatever it takes, I will continue to fight for you, pray for you, and offer you my undying friendship. You will get through this, and you will get your miracle, if I have to personally see to it myself! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how deep and dark the tunnel is, not how faint the light may seem. Never, ever give up!!! I’m so sorry this is happening . . . but you will get through it. Cry it out sista! Always remember that God is your strength, your Father, and your redeemer. He is always with you, and will continue to make you stronger especially in your moments of weakness. He love you and will never forsake you. Anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask. Hell, your talking to your own personal paralegal, or so I was told last night.

(Written in the right margin of page 2)

I’m my own secret weapon, and I am fully at your disposal! I love ya hun! Stay strong, and cry out all of those unhappy thoughts. I’m fighting for us always!

[Sundance]

Page 13605

Hey girl!
Just thought I’d check up on ya. I’ve gone the entire day without napping. For some reason, I have too much energy. I guess that’s not a bad thing. Can’t be sad and mopey everyday. Keep your head up! Hope you’re doing okay. I’m here! You’re in my prayers. (I’m going to write a joke on the back , one that was sent to me today, clever!) Some of my new friends are silly. You’ll understand why! (Heart drawn)

A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him, “A sorority girl is running around campus, telling people you have a small dick.” “Yeah?”, the junior member replied. “Well, she has a big mouth.” Enjoy! :-)

From page 13607-13608

I feel like a little kid, passing notes in class, or writing letters to a penpal. It’s comforting. I’m warning you now, I’m a terrible joke teller, but it won’t stop me from trying! If I can make you laugh at least once, then my task is accomplished, even if just for one day.

I find myself wanting to talk about any and all things random… like the letters and cards I received over the past two days. I can’t help but think these people are crazy but I love them just the same. It’s funny the friendships you can acquire in times like these. In any case, we are strangely blessed! (Heart drawn)

Are there any new songs I should be warned about? I got re-hooked on the same music I was listening to before all this happened and I was scared to listen to the radio when I was home. I listen to a little bit of everything, but I’m a rock girl, true & blue.

One recommendation, before I close this off for today . . read – God in Popular Culture. – Andrew M. Greenley I think I’ll slide the next note in there.

Take care hun! If you need anything, please, let me know!

Until next time,
Adieu! (Heart drawn)

[Sundance]

Page 13609-13610

Hello my dear friend!
I’m hoping things are looking up. I know the last few days have been extremely emotional, and girl, I don’t blame ya! Know that I’m here, even if our communication is limited, it’s great to have someone to confide in nonetheless! Want to hear something funny? Today I filled out my first sheet for commissary. How sad! Haha! I can’t wait to have shampoo, conditioner, and a jar of peanut butter, among other things. The simple pleasures that help to ease one’s mind. . . even if for a moment. We’ll get through all of our troubles, because God has given us strength. No one can understand why things happen, especially bad things, but what good comes from focusing on the negative. (You turn into the cruel people around us, that feed on making other people feel worse about an already terrible situation) those are the people I really pity! I’m sorry that you and your family are having such a difficult time, but I’ll be honest, Robyn, I in no way pity you! You are a strong woman-daughter, mother and wife. Continue to be strong, and never be afraid to ask for help or advice.

Page 13610
That’s what friends are for, right? I don’t like the circumstances in which we’ve met, but I know in my heart that it’s a blessing. Each day is hard, and unfortunately it only gets harder. On the brighter side, we’re one day closer to being back where we belong – with our families!

Man! It’s hard to write with these crazy pens! My hand is killing me. HaHa!

Who is this chick above me? The new girl that came in a few days ago . . . What a mouth she was blessed with! (Sadly, I miss pinky. . . )

What kind of things should I order? Such a variety of choices. . . I almost hate to tempt myself by ordering snacks, but I really am craving something incredibly sweet. (Hints the peanut butter!)

What do you like to order?

I wish there were books on those lists. I’d probably blow all of my money on a few good books, and mouth wash.

Oh! Random thought . . . the book I put this note in is actually pretty good. It’s filled with old Southern humor. I honestly laughed throughout most of it.

[headndownstream]

13616-13619
(Nothing much in here, except George has admitted himself to the hospital.)

He did drive back this past weekend when everything went down with my padre. Good thing Tampa is so close. My dad is checking into a facility, almost like a rehab center, so he can continue talking to someone and get some help. We need to keep praying that he reconnects with God along the way. I’m glad he’s taken this step voluntarily. My mom seemed very pleased with his decision and she’ll be able to visit him regularly. I got a letter that he wrote to me yesterday and his spirits were lifted, and for him to admit that he needs help is a significant step. God is good. My stress level has been teetering back and forth since Friday and it hasn’t stopped swaying as of yet. We’re going to set the date for the service sometime this week-the first week of February. I’m extremely nervous to say the least. We’ll finally have a little bit of closure. Is it wrong of me though to not really want to know the truth? I’m horrible scared of the numerous possibilities. She’s safe, She’s in God’s loving arms. In a lot of ways, I’m content by the fact that she will never have to have her heart broken, or see the constant negativity that our society breeds. No will she ever be abused or taken advantage of. The clock is ticking and the end of days is near; I can feel it. It’s difficult enough trying to make sure that my brother and father are both saved. My mom is on the right path. Glory to God! There so much to think __________________(copy cuts off letters)

13617
Cool, huh? I never imagined myself a warrior before, although I know I’ve always been a fighter. What a feeling and a responsibility, to know that we’re part of God’s army and that in the end, we are victorious! What a feeling of satisfaction; I’m so humbled by those thoughts, but more encouraged than I’ve ever been before. Are you doing any Bible study courses? I’ve really enjoyed the ones Chaplain Gonzales brought me. It feels like my eyes are seeing things like never before. One of my favorite verses Mathew:22 (quotes verse) Those words didn’t hit me until I read that passage on Friday and instantly I felt that connection. This was during the time I needed comfort. After hearing the news about my dad, when I also stumbled upon Job 23. Of course the name that popped into my head was yours. The more I read, the more I felt his presence and also saw your likeness to Job. Crazy stuff! I’m able to memorize passages and verses so much easier now. I think I was more focused on reading and interpreting than memorization, but with memorization comes a whole new understanding of those words. I started looking at the pictures I have taped to the inside of my Bible, and this wave of peace touched my heart and I let out a really deep sigh. I feel better. You’re to blame for a lot of that I love you Sis, and I’m so very grateful for our open lines of

31619
Communication, even if it’s sneaky-sneaky. I’ll write later, not that you’re not already bored with my rambling It’s almost time to watch my stories. Hasta Pasta (heart drawn)
Just so you know….
You’re new nickname is COOKIE
*numero * uno* written on margin.

[headndownstream]

13623-13624
(beginning is missing I guess, it starts here)
of something good, or something positive to hold onto with my bare hands. I don’t know. God is constantly telling me to keep it together and to have faith. I have no choice but to agree. He’s right. There is a season to everything, for everything, and this has been one of heartache, depression, and mourning. The next is forgiveness. That one must stand alone. It’s a big one, no doubt about it. Throughout all of this, it’s been one long season of growth-spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I’m drained! There’s a song by Shinedown called Second Chance. Amazing song! It brings tears to my eyes and chills to my appendages everytime I hear it. The song of my current life situation(s). Something to hold onto. I heard it for the first time early in November. Just days after I ordered my radio. I seem to flip to 101.1 as it’s starting most nights-a sign? And “sober” by pink. I (heart) it! I don’t listen to much music anymore, but when I do, my timing is usually very good. That’s a part of myself I will never lose and it’s one that I would never want to part with. No matter how I feel, I get so much satisfaction from a good beat, or powerful lyrics. Peace. Memories. I look at my pictures of Caylee so many times throughtout the day and can’t help but smile at my little Rock*Star. I miss her, more than I can ever express in words. Somedays the tears just won’t end, and others, I can’t stop giggling and sighing and smiling because of her beautiful smile. Big hazel eyes and the belly laugh that still remains in my ear. ( I just sneezed, my confirmation from God I’ve been doing that lately, very rarely do I just “sneeze” anymore. It tend to follow thought, action or spoken word-prayer, praise, even the occasional joke. Rarely can I blame my whacky allergies on the. One of the few things I actually like the cold weather for-it stifles my allergy attacks. I do like wearing cute boots and a leather jacket. And hats, mittens. I want a leather bomber jacket. I can picture it in my mind. That and an awesome pair of biker boots. Of course, the quote that comes to mind is from Dumb and Dumber: “Killer boots man!”-Jim Carrey-Lloyd Christmas. To the cop that pulls them over. I miss that movie-the stupidity and the laughs. That’s one of the first of movies I want to watch when I finally leave this place. That and Batman. Did you hear about Christian Bales outburst on the set of the new terminator movie? Uncalled for. Yes but quite comical. The Second Transformers comes out this summer. Something else to look forward to. And aren’t they making a second Sex and the City movie. I actually want to the see the original movie, just so I know what all the fuss is about. I trust your judgment. Want to see it with me? Well, rent or download, or catch on one of the movie channels. Man! Our friend has ended her silence. It was too good to be true. I almost feel sorry for her sometimes, until she starts making demands and cursing at everyone. Makes me so mad, and I can’t comprehend how people can deliberately be so rude. No my style, not by any means. I really think that’s one of my biggest pet peeves. I may be impatient but I’m the farthest thing from rude or disorderly. I try my hardest not to let it show. I pride myself in my politeness. Well friend, I’m going to rest my hand, digest my lunch, and (can’t read) See ya later! (heart) ya!!

[butwhatif?]

P13625-

You're on the phone, I just finished my snack. I wish we could talk. I <3 Seinfeld! Won't it be great to chill out on a big comfy sofa, drinking __ tea or whatever nightime beverage suits your tastebuds, watching re-runs of classic shows , like, Seinfeld, Friends, King of Queens? Or a movie or three?....A normal life-you with the munchkins , me with my adopted sister, niece and nephew, and our dog.(I need someone to cuddle with).
Jose did say I'd have a guy to love me. Get a male dog or cat and mission accomplished! I miss having intimate moments- laughs, hugs, cuddling time , back rubs, and the occasional kisses (sigh). Soon enough. I can't wait to cook a big meal, a big breakfast or cookout with burgers, kababs, the works. This of course will have to wait until we hit every buffet in town, starting with the big GC for breakfast, Sweet tomatos for lunch and _____ for dinner or China Jade! Yeah! Pizza another day. I want to be in a good food coma for at least two days. And I swear!!!..... The moment I'm free, I am never
eating ramon noodles again! Yikes! I can't take it. I didn't even order anything extra this week. I've really tried to back off all the junk, but I've had a HUGE craving for chocolatey goodness; but not really candy. More like chocolate mile, maybe Yoohoo. Strange cravings at the most random times.
P13626...

Tacos, egg rolls, Quesadillas , hot wings white pizza, breadsticks (from Faz___) and a can of black olives- I eat them like candy! I'm totally a fat girl at <3. I'm really happy though that my tummy has calmed down. I don't know why it was achy for over a week. I hope I didn't have the flu too! :-(
It's not great, but it's better. Probably nerves, besides cookie overload and the overly yucky food Ha!
Oh man....silly thought- No soup for you! The soup Nazi. That would be a hi-larious name for a restaurant. Or a soup kitchen. I crack myself up! The crack-head down the block needs to know her role and shut her dang flab(?) mouth. .Yay for the nurse! Is it bad that I enjoy when they rip her a new one? Some of these ladies I really like and it pisses me off when she's rude to them. Ugh! To each their own. That woman has a sickness, and it's called being a rude, compulsive *****. Father forgive me . So should I go red or blonde? I'm trying to decide how extreme I want to go with my makeover. I will get colored contacts so I can change up my look from time to time. Who is this Casey Anthony you speak of? If you could change your name, any name, what would it be? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Ideas.....many ideas. Well, you're off the phone , and I'm going to potty and pass out. I love you cookie. <3
Peace and hair grease!

P13627
(first line is cut off- so I wont even try to decipher it)

My ass is exploding, and not like that. Ew! So big. Stupid squats. Oh well!

Hello dear! How's my fiesty sister? Boy oh boy! You've been in rare for the past few days. Granted, I've been told the same thing since Friday, but still!! You make me laugh. :-)
I completely understand your frustration though and it's taken all of my strength not to curse out that crazy witch, but you beat me to it. Kudos my friend!One has to vent every once in a while and we both have way too much boiling inside. This too shall pass.
Thanks for all of your help and your advice. I have tried all weekend/week to put myself in everyone else's shoes. Actually, I've been trying to do that this whole time. In any case, I'm completely at a loss for words and it's all in God's hands. He keeps telling me to move on and move past it, so I must do what I'm instructed. I feel a bit better, and a lot of that is your fault. :-) I got a big smile x 10000 when I read your letter/encouragement. So thank you my darlin'. You've always got my back . You know I've got yours, always. I don't doubt that we'll be able to continue to be upfront, open and honest with each other. I'm looking forward to the day that we can talk all day and all night over great meals, spas, and beverages, in our PJ's , going out attire, and everything in between. I'm extreme.....
P13628
...ely grateful to Mike and Michelle for taking your case. And Gabe speaks nothing but the truth. He's my adopted brother. Mike and Michelle wrote a couple of appeals in my case, that were nothing short of phenominal. I put all of my faith and trust in their abilities, and I know they will pull a great victory for you! I demand it. :-) I'm also very glad to hear that you've heard from Clay. He is a strong man , and with God in his corner, the mountains in front of him can be moved as well. We all need to take our own advice and give it all up to God, no matter how big or small. Keep your heart open to his word and don't be afraid if those doubts of your marriage surface. Just remember the blessed vows you exchanged back in June and hold on to the love that you and clay shared. You've said many times that you two have been best friends, not just lovers, and there's no replacing that. I have faith in you, Clay and your future together. Even if your marriage doesn't concure this, 13-17 years apart is an incredibly long time to be apart, but that doesn't mean that you can't still be there for him, as his friend or otherwise. Trust your heart, your gut, and most of a;ll, Our Father. He has filled you with so much love and compassion and the ability to see the good in someone. I Love you! It's that simple. You are “special” 'making icecream' – Silly girl! I never had a Snoopy snowcone maker, but I wanted one too!
We should totally get one! I heard about it one the radio weeks back, and it made me laugh. Good times. And thank you for being my Valentine! I feel Loved <3.
Oh boy....Super Troopers...would you ever eat a whole bag of weed? Yikes! No way!!! Have you ever tried to insert the word “meow” in to a sentence? Fun drinking game. And I have *ALWAYS * wanted a liter of cola. Classic greatness! Keep yourself calm and relaxed. I'm here ,always! <3 ya!! - Mattie

[butwhatif?]

P3629
Sometimes, it's just good to look back and laugh. I've even thought about discussing some of my female friends, old new and otherwise, especially because the combined number is so tiny , but there is always a funny story or two shared between women. Why not? I refuse to name drop , so everyone will have nicknames or some other direct reference. Can't give anyone their 15 minutes of fame, nor can I indanger myself in any possible chance(s) of lawsuits or useless drama if names aren't used. So I talked about someone? It will not be gossip or hurtful, nor will it be deceitful or malicious in any way. Comedy? Yes. I have the right to share my stories, right? :-) You may come up in more thatn one of my books..... If that's ok with you. Should I go with Cookie or cookie monster? I kid!

Cookies is a possibility. For those I may directly name, permission must be granted, and it will be done legally- contractually , you are guaranteed. And because I am protective, nothing will be written that isn't consented on and agreed upon with said individuals. Does that seem fair enough? I sure hope so! I know I've yammed on about this FOREVER and I apologize for being a complete turd. I really should have tried to sleep. It feels like it's too late now. Why nap for an hour and torture myself?

The only good thing about 8:30 court is being able to come back early, shower, and pass the heck out. I already fixed my hair in a smooth updo and a nice bun., lower than usual, and I'm boycotting my glasses. The sexy librarian look doesn't go well with navy blue scrubs. A shame. My mom brought me clothes, but from the sound of it, a jacket I've never heard of, a sheer white shirt, and navy blue pants. Really? I'll keep my blue!
(following line is cut off)

(In border) of 13629- (Friday morning @ the weee hours somewhat incomplete, but at least you know I was thinking about ya! <3)

P13630-
( In border) It's well after 2am and I'm...

….wide awake. I'll be leaving for court in a couple hours, and I know I'm going to look like hell. I had
every intention of going to bed early, waking up early enough to get pretty, and then I was going to sit here impatiently until it's time to go. Not the case- obviously. I started writing one letter around 12:45, and then started writing a foreward to one of my latest creations: The “Lovers and Friends” book, cleverly stating that it's not your average KISS -AND- TELL story”.

Inquiring minds want to know and boy are they in for a treat! The moral of the story: none of my relationships would have survived or will survive without putting God at the center of each and every one of them, every step of the way :-). I've learned so many things about myself and why not share some of my super silly insights, including my sarcasm, cynicism and the truth about God. I'm really enjoying putting various works together and being able to put my thoughts and feelings into words .

Plus, it always feels good to set the record straight about certain topics/issues or even people. I promise to let God lead my hand as I write and my mind as I recollect various memories. Since my heart is no longer involved in most cases, I can be fairly unbiased when it comes to some ex's- friends or otherwise. And even if it never gets published, whether or not I'm going to try will obviously come later, but it wont be for nothing. Sometimes dipping in the past and and telling a story or two brings finality and closure. And.....

P13631
(in border)

Read 2 chronicles 20:12. The number 2012 is significant in itself, for I can't get it out of my head. I read every 20:12 in the bible and got a chill when I read this. Is it a sign? Or just reality?-


I just got really creeped out, and I had to share. A group came in a little bit ago, I barely glanced, as usual, but I saw someone , or think I saw saw a ghost from my past......I never pay any attention to the groups of gawkers that pass through, but the past two times, I've just showered, gotten books, and settled back into my room, and then they appear. I was fixing my hair, and out of the corner of my eye, I look “out” in my mirror , and I see the crowd. Oh goodie :-( . Anyway, like usual I finish what I was doing and take a second glance out of my window, and I saw him, or someone who looked remarkably like him. - Ugh....my ex-fiance. :-(
That idiot has tried to make such a fool of me, it honestly wouldn't surprise me, or O wouldn't put it past him, Mr Ex-cop for the city of Orlando (I'll fill you in on that story). Again, I only looked for but a mere couple seconds, but this kid, he stands out in a crowd, especially full of women- 6 “ 4, Italian- dark hair, dark eyes. Easy to spot in a crowd. This guy even dressed exactly like......

13632
(Tuesday)
…..him, even down to the stupid American Eagle necklace. He still wears the ones I bought him a couple years ago when we were engaged. Seriously, I wish I would have looked longer to see if it really was him. I got so creeped out; I couldn't look back. Now it's going to plague me. Stupid Jesse. :-(


At one point in my life I was so in love with him, there was no one else who could have held a candle to him, until he showed his true colors, and everything very quickly went sour. I'm not going to be tamed or told what to do by any man, I don't care how much I love you. NO Sir. I may like a man who is a foot taller than me and literally twice my size, but not because I'm afraid of him. Ha! Completely the opposite. Bigger guys 9 out of ten times are far more gentle and cuddly than smaller guys. This one was surely the exception. Remind me to tell you some stories. Yu will be both proud and horrified.
Latah gatah! <3 ya!

(In border)
I have to leave a surprise :-). Do you think I should have checked to see if that was really him???:-(
Damn!

[CuriousTwo]

Wow! Thanks - that was a lot of work!

[butwhatif?]

P13633

Cookie, how are ya love? I'm still pretty out of it, even post-shower, but I feel better- warm. It's absolutely freezing (underlined) I here this morning! No wonder I wanted to stay cuddled up under the covers all day. Thank God for thermals and thick socks. Did you get your TV time last night? I crashed right after I watched you beeline upstairs. Thanks for the laugh/entertainment. I'm glad your loud mouth friend in 5 is behaving herself. I wonder who bribed her , or what they gave her to finally shut her up? Hmm... nevertheless, I'm grateful for the quiet, regardless of the reason behind it.

I didn't end up ordering any commissary last night. I already feel like a lush because I have a full drawer , with a whole bag of shabangs, popcorn, BBQ chips (yum!), fruit cups, ramon, crackers, plenty of juice mixes (8 or 10), and a few odds and ends. First week since the beginning of Nov that I wont receive a big 'ole bag of treats on Friday. I'm almost kind of proud of myself. Ugh. My hands is still cold, and I'm so sloppy today. Sorry. I haven't watched tv in almost a week....I wonder what I've missed on General Hospital? I can't believe I'm so hooked on stupid day-time soaps. During the summers, if I wasn't doing AA__


P 13634....
…. or training camps, I would lay out after breakfast, shower and hunker down in bed for the Young and the Restless and Days of our lives. It was far more entertaining as a young teen than it is now ; but what else is there to watch on our limited station choices in the middle of the day? I can't complain. At least I get to watch tv by myself, without the knuckleheads upstairs drowning out the sound.

Have you figured out the change in Rivera? She's still the same with me, but I've noticed her impatience with her job in general. I keep hearing more of the officers say how much they want to quit, and I believe some of them would if jobs were available. They keep mentioning numbers on the radio (104.1) involving the lay offs and it's practically in the hundreds of thousands in Orlando?orange County. Scary stuff! In a lot of ways it's a relief to sit here and watch/listen to what's happening instead of being caught in the middle of it. People like my Mom who is still milking her leave-of-absense, at least she still was last month, should be grateful to have a job. Neither of my parents are working – my Dad quit or got fired back in November, never mentioned it to my Mom, but kept disappearing day and night, never telling her where he was going, what he was doing, or who with. Too many questions unanswered. I feel like a bitter old hag or a complete cynic as of late, and that's not the best feeling in the world. I need a sign.....

(End of 13634)




P13635

1.

Hey Cookie! Sorry I haven't been in touch. I'm dealing with a pretty big battle right now and with the last person I honestly expected- my Mom. Let me start by saying it's an incredibly long, but short story, and I've been holding off on complaining because I didn't know where to start.

(In border)

(I received this piece of info on Saturday morning)


> Thursday- She drops off clothes to Baez for me to wear in court on Friday (lets just say the only two things I was comfortable in meas my black flats and favorite gray blazer. Navy blue pants, far too tight, and an almost sheer shirt, that was not long enough, and had a decorative neckline that almost showed a mile of cleavage. Lovely)
So this happens early in the day, and she promises to come back to the office later that afternoon/evening, to prep for Friday. After numerous phone calls, Baez can't get ahold of her, or better stated , she avoids all contact, including texts. Baez contacts her attorney , Brad Conway, and gets the run-around from him. More useless details, but what it boils down to is my Mom is going to be escorted to court on Friday, via a friend of hers directly connected to the Today show.

Friday morning- I see what is brought for me to wear for my appearance; unfortunately I didn't have a say because the judge ordered me to come dressed appropriately (his intention is to actually help my public image. Kudos to Judge Strickland), so my morning didn't start off great. I also didn't sleep more than an hour before leaving here at 7:00am, because I was so excited....

P13636

….about Finally seeing my Mom. I walk into the court room completely shackled, which was against the judges orders, so I get seated, and Baez relays the message, so I have to get reescorted outside to get uncuffed- only from the waist up. Joy. Well, I trip as I try to sit down the second time, Klutz that I am. All in front of the camera. A few minutes pass they start to let in the spectators, all media and I ask if my Mom is there yet. Baez briefly tells me that she is “sick” and isn't coming. Welcome the proverbial punch in the stomach. Court did go reasonably well, a few laughs, courtesy of the judge, and I was back here just before 10:30. I talked to 3 of my attorneys just before coming back and they're so upset that my my Mom bailed on me and that fact that her attorney shows up, waving all (underlined) conflict with my Moms former attorney, who started working for the enemy the day he “resigned” from working with my folks, back on November 20, my brothers birthday.
Still follow? I hope so! 'Tis just the beginning :-( ….
I was pretty upset on Friday, but I didn't want anyone to worry, especially not my cookie, so I put on my happy face and let it go.

Saturday, around noon- Baez and my attorney who was down from New York for the weekend, came to fill me in on all of the drama. They still couldn't get in contact with my Mom , and are both still extremely frustrated about what went down the days previous. I'm right there with them. This is when I get all the details from Thursday – Saturday.

[butwhatif?]

P13637

Here's where it gets good :-( Boo.

My Mom has been battling us on the service details, religiously (and without any consideration of my ideas or feelings on the matter). Her idiot attorney has been bashing Baez and my defense team for a couple weeks now, without reason, and my Mom has done nothing to stop it. We're the ones being made out to be careless, heartless and selfish, but we're the only ones playing by the rules and trying to avoid stepping on anyone's toes. Sadly, we're the true Shmucks in this for playing nicely. There are so many details I want to convey, but it almost seems tedius to keep on *****ing. I'll stick to the main details, even though the ones temporarily withheld are some of the most important. :-(
I miss you sis!!!!

Anyway, we try to formulate a plan to cover out butts from any more slander and to at least keep on with our pattern of nice-playing. I find out that my brother was acting according to scripts, via law enforcement, when he came to visit m,e back in July and August, and he was reporting back to them with whatever I told them. I told you about everything my Dad said during his interviews with LE. So two down, one to go.

Sunday morning – Baez and Linda come back to reupdate me on the Super Fun weekend, and have even more Fun details to share. My “sick” Mommy hitches.....

P13638
…..out to Tampa on Saturday, ____ _____ Baez still couldn't get ahold of her. Turns out, she met with Meredith Veiera, formerly of the view, now associated with the Today Show, I believe, or Godd Morning America. She's not well enough to take advantage of seeing me in person on Friday , but can shmooze with the dirtbags the next day?! Seriously?!
But wait, there's more! (I'm sweating while writing this. My emotions are obviously getting a workout). Come to find out that she put a trademark on Caylees name months back, never told me, and even talked about doing the same with mine. This is the same time she publicly states that she plans on writing a book about this!
B-E-T-R-A-Y-A-L!!! I'm so sick to my stomach even thinking about this.
I'm the only person who has tried to protect Caylee throughout all of this, and it kills me!
All my Mom talks about now is doing a public service for herself, because she needs to. I can't believe my own mother is capitalizing, or trying to, off of everything that has happened.
I had written her expressing my disgust, grief and hurt after what happened on Friday, this is before finding out all of this. And what happens when she meets up with Baez yesterday to read my letter?
She laughs at the idea of getting caught with lunch on Saturday. Laughs!

P13639-

I can't take it Robyn. I can't. I've done everything possible to hold my family together and I continue to get stomped on, thrown under the bus, and it doesn't surprise me anymore when it happens. I have too many other things to worry about and now all of this!

I've officially lost my entire blood-related family in the blink of an eye, in the midst of mourning my daughters death, trying to exhonorate myself , and figure out what steps to take in achieving these things, and I get ******** over by my entire family. I talked to Chaplain Gonzalez about it briefly, cliff notes version, and she wanted to cry. She told me my feelings are completely valid, and that I have to start looking out for myself. Not that I have a choice in the matter. They chose for me.

I know I'm not alone, that God is with me, I have my newly adopted family, and I have my Cookie. It's just hard to now have to mourn the break-up of my family, and to move on. I'm doing everything that I
can to forgive what's happened, but I can't. I can't. God is going to have to hold my hand on this one and hold me to that promise- to unconditionally love them and forgive their actions.

My heart is broken :-(

P13640

Other less depressing topics

I didn't listen to more than 5 minutes of the Super Bowl on Sunday (that was the Big Dance I had referred to). I've been sleeping a lot , both at night and during the day. I'll admit I've had little to no motivation to do anything since Friday. I'll get over it. How are you? Thanks for the Count of Monte Critso. My new all-time favorite book. One of my fave movies, hands down. I had never read the book. Good looking out, yo! :-)
You're always good for a pick-me-up. How's the cookie situation going? I ordered a pack myself last week, and I was kind of disappointed. Oh well! And I'm sort of shabanged out. I'm in a funk! At least my hair is getting wayyy long , and I'm getting used to it, slowly but surely. My ghastly period is letting up, so I feel less icky. The shower water has been really hot the last couple of days. Quite refreshing. I have a Super Cheezy question for you.....would you be my Valentine? :-) I'm cheering up, so no worries! I hope we get to talk one of these days.
Know that I love ya and I miss ya, and I'm glad you're here! I promise to write daily , no matter what kind of mood I'm in. And when Shannon is here, we might as well play it safe and give her the book(s).

See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya! :-) (Just kidding)

P 13641

-Wednesday-

Oh! I was going to ask you....what happened with Maya? What were the original charges and what the
heck brought on the new ones? Poor girl! She's so young! I'm praying for her.

How's Clay? Have you heard from him yet? I hope he's hanging in there. Are your folks doing alright? Thank your Dad for me, for sending your letter to my parents. Speaking of, I guess my Dad went home
late yesterday/earlier today. Let's hope he continues to seek help, especially from the Lord.
( 1 Ror 2?) Ahh!

Something embarrassing about myself.....besides me tripping on live TV, for the second time- ha.
I'm extremely accident prone, in the most amazing ways. You've also heard about me falling in my cell after slipping while opening my low drawer. You and running into tables , dropping your shoe. I guess you can relate. :-) We're two peas in a pod!

When I was 5 or 6 I was at Payless with my Mom, getting some shoes for school, and I see this lady walk by. She smiles, and you wouldn't believe what popped out of my mouth! “Mom, that lady has a moustache!” Was my Mom ever embarrassed! Whoops! Kids say the darndest things. There's a fun one.
And here's my question: When did the shaved head and pony tail come back in style? Not that it ever


P13642

...was but geez! And our banging old witch: Yikes! Dean's laugh. KP and her too-baggy pants that fall
when she walks- well one night I'm sitting on the floor watching tv, and she goes running upstairs and all I catch is buttcrack. It's like those idiots that drive by a car that's pulled over ; you can't help but wonder and stare. My eyes! My eyes!

I still have my humor, if not much else. Something to hold onto.

Baez told me last night that he's sorry that I never met a man deserving of me, whole would have taken care of Caylee and I , as we should have been. I cried. I told him “someday”, and he quickly corrected.
Actually, “maybe someday” was my answer, and he guaranteed me that it would happen some day soon. He's a great friend. And in many ways, looks out for me like a father. I appreciate my new-found friends and family, even if my family is a bunch of jerks. Sarcasm. One of my better qualities.

Did you ever have a Snoopy Snowcone maker? I really want a smoothie or a slurpy!
Favorite ice-cream?

[darnudes]

Originally Posted by butwhatif?

P13633

Cookie, how are ya love? I'm still pretty out of it, even post-shower, but I feel better- warm. It's absolutely freezing (underlined) I here this morning! No wonder I wanted to stay cuddled up under the covers all day. Thank God for thermals and thick socks. Did you get your TV time last night? I crashed right after I watched you beeline upstairs. Thanks for the laugh/entertainment. I'm glad your loud mouth friend in 5 is behaving herself. I wonder who bribed her , or what they gave her to finally shut her up? Hmm... nevertheless, I'm grateful for the quiet, regardless of the reason behind it.

I didn't end up ordering any commissary last night. I already feel like a lush because I have a full drawer , with a whole bag of shabangs, popcorn, BBQ chips (yum!), fruit cups, ramon, crackers, plenty of juice mixes (8 or 10), and a few odds and ends. First week since the beginning of Nov that I wont receive a big 'ole bag of treats on Friday. I'm almost kind of proud of myself. Ugh. My hands is still cold, and I'm so sloppy today. Sorry. I haven't watched tv in almost a week....I wonder what I've missed on General Hospital? I can't believe I'm so hooked on stupid day-time soaps. During the summers, if I wasn't doing AA__


P 13634....
…. or training camps, I would lay out after breakfast, shower and hunker down in bed for the Young and the Restless and Days of our lives. It was far more entertaining as a young teen than it is now ; but what else is there to watch on our limited station choices in the middle of the day? I can't complain. At least I get to watch tv by myself, without the knuckleheads upstairs drowning out the sound.

Have you figured out the change in Rivera? She's still the same with me, but I've noticed her impatience with her job in general. I keep hearing more of the officers say how much they want to quit, and I believe some of them would if jobs were available. They keep mentioning numbers on the radio (104.1) involving the lay offs and it's practically in the hundreds of thousands in Orlando?orange County. Scary stuff! In a lot of ways it's a relief to sit here and watch/listen to what's happening instead of being caught in the middle of it. People like my Mom who is still milking her leave-of-absense, at least she still was last month, should be grateful to have a job. Neither of my parents are working – my Dad quit or got fired back in November, never mentioned it to my Mom, but kept disappearing day and night, never telling her where he was going, what he was doing, or who with. Too many questions unanswered. I feel like a bitter old hag or a complete cynic as of late, and that's not the best feeling in the world. I need a sign.....

(End of 13634)




P13635

1.

Hey Cookie! Sorry I haven't been in touch. I'm dealing with a pretty big battle right now and with the last person I honestly expected- my Mom. Let me start by saying it's an incredibly long, but short story, and I've been holding off on complaining because I didn't know where to start.

(In border)

(I received this piece of info on Saturday morning)


> Thursday- She drops off clothes to Baez for me to wear in court on Friday (lets just say the only two things I was comfortable in meas my black flats and favorite gray blazer. Navy blue pants, far too tight, and an almost sheer shirt, that was not long enough, and had a decorative neckline that almost showed a mile of cleavage. Lovely)
So this happens early in the day, and she promises to come back to the office later that afternoon/evening, to prep for Friday. After numerous phone calls, Baez can't get ahold of her, or better stated , she avoids all contact, including texts. Baez contacts her attorney , Brad Conway, and gets the run-around from him. More useless details, but what it boils down to is my Mom is going to be escorted to court on Friday, via a friend of hers directly connected to the Today show.

Friday morning- I see what is brought for me to wear for my appearance; unfortunately I didn't have a say because the judge ordered me to come dressed appropriately (his intention is to actually help my public image. Kudos to Judge Strickland), so my morning didn't start off great. I also didn't sleep more than an hour before leaving here at 7:00am, because I was so excited....

P13636

….about Finally seeing my Mom. I walk into the court room completely shackled, which was against the judges orders, so I get seated, and Baez relays the message, so I have to get reescorted outside to get uncuffed- only from the waist up. Joy. Well, I trip as I try to sit down the second time, Klutz that I am. All in front of the camera. A few minutes pass they start to let in the spectators, all media and I ask if my Mom is there yet. Baez briefly tells me that she is “sick” and isn't coming. Welcome the proverbial punch in the stomach. Court did go reasonably well, a few laughs, courtesy of the judge, and I was back here just before 10:30. I talked to 3 of my attorneys just before coming back and they're so upset that my my Mom bailed on me and that fact that her attorney shows up, waving all (underlined) conflict with my Moms former attorney, who started working for the enemy the day he “resigned” from working with my folks, back on November 20, my brothers birthday.
Still follow? I hope so! 'Tis just the beginning :-( ….
I was pretty upset on Friday, but I didn't want anyone to worry, especially not my cookie, so I put on my happy face and let it go.

Saturday, around noon- Baez and my attorney who was down from New York for the weekend, came to fill me in on all of the drama. They still couldn't get in contact with my Mom , and are both still extremely frustrated about what went down the days previous. I'm right there with them. This is when I get all the details from Thursday – Saturday.

Video of the day in court Casey is writing about.

YouTube

YouTube

[Noway]

Page 207
13791

As a Christian, prayer is a constant in my life, not a day goes by when I don’t conduct some kind of conversation – no matter how quiet and casual – with God. I have to believe that He, and the family He blessed me with, will help me keep my head high.

~ Dan Quayle, former Vice President of the United States ~ 1988-1992 under the Bush Adminstration

(it just fits : ) ) ♥


Page 208
13792

“… His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
~Lamentations 3:22-23

*the shortest distance between two points is a leap of faith!! : )

Page 209
13793

Have you ever stood at the edge of the ocean and watches the waves come in?

God’s love is like the waves – constant, steady, sure.

He says His mercies are new every morning! Everyday we get a new wave of His mercy, grace, and love.


Page 210-211
13794-13795

You’re going to laugh at me. : ) I’ve started counting calories … but here’s why:

We may actually be able to survive on junk food & drink mixes! : ) Isn’t that fabulous??? Yeah, I was bored, and hungry, and started to wonder if “junk food” really is that bad for you. Turns out, it’s not! The things we need to watch out for is too much salt, fat and sodium. Otherwise than that, it’s probably 1000x better for us to eat our commissary than all 3 reg. Meals. I doubt there’s enough necessary nutrients to energize a turtle!

Here’s the list that I found:

*For 2000 calories:

Total fat – 65g
Carbs – 300g
Sat. fat – 20g
Fiber – 25g
Cholesterol – 300mg
Sodium – 2400 mg

*We need as much protein as we can get!!! [End page 211]

[Noway]

Page 212-213
13796-13797

My head is going to explode! I just want to scream for these idiots to stay out of the vents. I’m honestly getting a headache. : ( It baffles me that they continue to get away with it. You can hear them outside of our cells. Give me a freaking break! Ah! Sorry. Had to vent. I know you can obviously sympathize. I’m in a pretty difficult mood at the moment … hearing more about my folks on the radio. They’ll be on Larry King tonight (Wed.) and Dateline later this week. My pre-trial starts tomorrow but I’ll be signing my waiver, so I don’t have to attend [End page 212] and I’ll also be waiving my right to speedy trial. I can’t believe it’s already a week and a half into December. So depressing! I feel like such a whiner. Sadly, it’s one of those days. I crave some bit of normalcy, some bit of a real life. Someday soon, we’ll both get our miracles. It’s so hard to see the bigger picture sometimes, but it’s necessary. I’m praying for you! I hope you’re doing alright. I love yah hun! ♥

(My allergies have kicked my butt up and down the block. What a day!)

[From side margin]I can’t wait to talk to ya!! I miss my friend!!!![End page 113]


Page 214-215
13798-13799

Envelopes


Page 216
13800

Music Trivia:

• What was the longest song to ever reach number one?
• Rod Stewart was once a member of which band? Steampacket, Strawberry Alarm Clock, Hermets, or Bubba and the Bad Boys?
• What is the best selling instrument in the world?
• What is the top selling single of all time
• What is the last note on a keypad?
• What band was once called the Golden Gate Rhythm Section?
• What band was once called Feedback?
• When was the LP invented?
• What was the name of John Lennon’s first girlfriend?
• What did Juice Newton’s husband do?

Page 217
13801

[Photo of Caylee; I saved to my Photobucket but it was a bad photocopy, so I found actual photo on Internet and posted below.]
Father, I pray that your angels may watch over my Caylee. She gives me strength always. ♥


Page 218
13802

12/2008
My sister, my friend,

We have been through so much, both separately, but now, we are able to face our trials and our victories together. You’ve shown me what it’s like to have a *true* friend, regardless of what obstacles are staring me in the face. You have encouraged me daily, and you can always put a smile on my face : ) You have such a strength that I admire, because you are not by any means afraid to show your emotions. You will never give up on someone that you love, and that’s a quality I greatly admire.

I too, will never leave your side, and I will help you in any way that I can. I cherish you, and our growing friendship.

Keep your Faith and your Hope!

Always keep you head up high!

I love you girl! And I am so very thankful t hat even through this difficult time, for both of us, that we have been so blessed to have found each other.

God is so good! And he has placed his hand firmly on your shoulder. I pray everyday for your miracle … it’s within reach!

Remember, He gives us Strength in our moments of weakness. Never give up! ♥

One of the things that has brought me great comfort: [drawn flower] Matthew 5:3-12

And one of my all-time Faves: [drawn flower] Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 [End page 218]

Page 219-220
13803-13804

I’ve hit an all time low and have slipped into a depression that only God can bail me out of. Everytime I look at my kids, I just break down. I got some bad news from my attorney the other day, my changes of serving less than 10 years are now 50% slimmer than they were before because I do not qualify for a “safety valve” from the judge (a leniency to drop the mandatory 10 year sentence).

It seems as though reality is closer than ever and I am afraid to admit that God might put me in prison for that length of time. I understand that there are consequences for the mistake I made but swallowing the pill or reality is now lodged in my throat leaving me gasping for air as I continue to choke on the mistake that has ruined my life. With all the tears that I have cried, I am certain that God is able to make a good size pond for ducks to **** in, sorry not funny.

It’s been so long since I have heard my first name called and a last name that I am all to used to hearing even though I haven’t had it long at all. In Galations [sic] 5:22 the bible reveals the fruits of the spirit as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I feel like being here has [End page 219] shown me all of those fruits except for joy. My life has never experienced true joy. Almost as if there has been a black cloud hovering over me allowing no light to shine through it, except of course the flourescent [sic] light that hangs in my cell.

I just can’t imagine 10 years of my life taken away from me and my kids. I believe that God has something better for me but what if I’m wrong? I also believe that Clay and I would live happily ever after. I was wrong about that. Although I love him still, everyone is against me in thinking of him, so when do our thoughts become forbidden and when do consequences become condemnation? What exactly is jail for anyway? Is it meant to hold you in a place of confinement until you show remorse for your mistakes or is it meant to hold you in solitude until you mentally go insane? And then there’s the though that you are punished for an extensive amount of time for making a small mistake but because of it you are now doomed to the pits of prison until you are forgotten about by friends and society. I think there are no real answers and all of it is complete **** and just a way of making the problem when in fact there are worse things to be concerned about. [End page 220]

[Noway]

Page 221-222
13805-13806

[Candy cane photo on one side of card; text on back page of card]

Geography:

1. The continent of Africa is made up of how many countries?
2. Which country is bordered on all sides by South Africa? – Malawi; Lesotho; Niger; or Sudan
3. Which country is not on the equator? Egypt, Colombia, Uganda or Somalia?
4. How many countries are on the equator?
5. How many countries are on the continent of South America?
6. On what continent would you find the indigenous people of Banawá?
7. The “Gold Coast” is now known as?
8. On what continent would you speak Quechua?
9. Santiago is the capital of what country?
10. Where in the world would you find South Georgia? (Hint – not in Georgia!) [End page 221]

[Inside of card, left side]

A big part of me wants to say Bah-Humbug because of the upcoming holidays.

But … the little elf in me still is going to try to spread some holiday cheer!

A friend of mine sent me some random trivia, most of the answers I got wrong but, it was a good distraction nonetheless.

There are 5 categories … each with 10 questions. I’ll send the answers later, so you can’t cheat : ) I sure tried! Ha! Enjoy! ♥

Dog Trivia

1. How many times are dogs mentioned in the bible?
2. Which dog breed can get acne?
3. How many vocal sounds can a dog produce?
4. Which dog breed can have a blue tongue?
5. Sun Yan Set, survived which disaster?
6. How many dogs survived the sinking of the Titanic?
7. What language is commonly used to train police dogs?
8. The greyhound comes from which country?
9. What was the name of Hitler’s dog?
10. Queen Elizabeth has four dogs of which breed?

[Inside of card, right side]

Animal Trivia

1. A ‘Jenny’ is a female?
2. A ‘Cast’ is a group of?
3. How long does it take to had boil an ostrich egg?
4. Which animal can get a ‘sunburn’?
5. What animal were allies trying to train to drop bombs during WWII?
6. Which animal has a blue tongue?
7. Which animal can walk underwater? Armadillo, porcupine, seal or tiger?
8. What is a ‘sea wasp’?
9. Which animal can go longer than a camel without water?
10. What is used to make camel hair brushes?


History:

1. King Henry the Eighth had how many wives?
2. Which emperor ‘fiddled while Rome burned’?
3. Where is Benedict Arnold buried?
4. Where was Marco Polo born?
5. Who wrote the Odyssey?
6. Which European city was originally ‘Little ___”?
7. What was the last province to join Canada?
8. Which country’s civil war was known as the ‘Onin War’?
9. Which of these is noble gas? (no multi-choice)
10. N_________ is the crown prince of what country? [End page 222]

[Noway]

Page 223-224
13807-13808

Howdy! Today is a little bit better … better than the last few days. I’m listening to a wedding on 104.1 – live. Pretty cool; very sweet actually.

I can’t stop thinking about your Mariah Carey comment … and her stupid song. I really can’t get into Christmas music, and I can’t remember a time since before high school, that I actually listened to any Christmas music.

It was nice of the chaplains to come through … yike! I need spell check too. I think I’m getting a cold. : ( Ugh.

Is it possible to get sick because you’ve cried too much? At least that’s one norm, for me – I’m usually sick on the big day. The few years I’ve been, uh, unsick? Ha! It was really hot out – like in the mid-80’s. I’m avoiding going [End page 223] outside. I miss the fresh air, but I’d rather not add to my misery.

Anyway … what did you ask Santa for, for Christmas? I want a new bike, and a big ol’ chocolate milkshake! Should we pray for snow? Why not! I wonder who’s going to be here Christmas night?

Maybe we can ask for a little talk time … let’s hope for someone willing to indulge a couple of weepy mommys [sic] who need a friend. I think the wedding is getting underway, so I’m off, then time for my shower. ♥ ya homes!! [End page 224]

[Noway]

Page 225
13809

Thankful for everything?

One Summer evening a friendship was no more. Our best friend had made the decision to favor his selfish love of money instead of what could have been a lifetime of friendship. Because of his betrayal, I was stripped of my life, my children, husband, parents, career, friends and great reputation. During my time in jail, I have expressed my thoughts and feelings through my journals but I find this one to be my favorite yet.

Let me be Thankful –

First, because I have never been in jail before. Second, because although he took many days away, he did not take my life, my family, my imagination or my hopes and dreams. Third, because I have lost some time each day becomes my past, I still have a future to look forward to. Fourth, because it was I who was betrayed by trust and dishonesty and not I that was the betrayer of such. And fifth, because God has given me the strength to make it through each day, have faith that I will be home again soon, and the ability to forgive

Page 226-227
13810-13811

Envelopes

[Noway]

Page 228-229
13812-13813

Saturday
Jan. 3

I’ve figured out why I get so emotional when I read your poems, journals, and letters.

They hit me like a tidal wave!

Now don’t jump to any conclusions, just read the words again – can you picture it? A whole mass of words, fueled by such honest, raw emotion, they could steamroll a thousand people because those words, they hit you like a tidal wave, but in the best way possible! I’m talking about waves so strong that they not only soak your rolled up pant, but you get swept off your feet, left with the pleasure of knowing that you have been impacted by a great force. In those (sorry, stupid pen!) moments, you’re taken on the journey of a lifetime, one you want to hold onto with every ounce of strength because it feels so good! It feels so right! That tidal wave of words and emotions does so many unexplainable things, but most importantly … it touched my heart and it fires the very depths of my soul!

God has surely given you a gift, missy, and I’m always amazed, but never surprised by the talent that I see among so many other things. You are able to express feelings and thoughts that I can’t even begin to put into words, not written, nor spoken, and I swear, I know those are gifts that He too has given me! The thing is, the thing that stands out so clearly for me every single day, I can always rely on your words for comfort. Our Father doesn’t just speak to you, He speaks through you, and man! What an impact you have on me!

You are going to do great things my dear, such great things, and I pray that I will be able to witness [End page 228] them first-hand, each and every one!! : )

You are my sister in this life and every other. My cherished friend – my best friend … you truly have a remarkable soul! ♥

A point to ponder:

God’s love is like the waves – constant, steady, sure.
Every day we get a new wave of His mercy, grace, and love.

(Holley Gierth)[End page 229]

[Noway]

Page 230-231
13814-13815
[from side margin](Friday)

Hey sis! [dot on exclamation point is ♥]

I can’t wait to talk to you! I figured I’d still write in the mean time. Your court date is just around the corner. I’m so excited for you!! : ) I’m praying every day and every night that your happy butt will go home. Your miracle is just around the bend (I caught myself before I said ‘just around the corner’ again). Ha! I think I need a nap!

I tried to write my mom back tonight, but I couldn’t finish it. I can’t seem to find the words yet. I need to continue to pray about it. Every time I think about my Momma, I’m a wreck. I’m having a big problem though … and I know I’ll get to talk to you about it before you read this so use worrying! I’m going to keep my head glued to my Bible and to all positive things – letters, books, cards, etc. I miss my Caylee [End page 230] so much, : ( but knowing that she’s waiting for me in Heaven, honestly, is a great relief. I can’t wait to see you with Josh and Maddy. I’m adopting them as my nephew and niece. : )

I already love them, your parents, and even that husband of yours, as I do my own family. You are one lucky girl! I’m happy that we’ve both been able to open up to the Chaplain. She is so full of encouragement and love, and I’m thankful for her growing friendship. God’s love is so incredible! They say that blood is thicker than water, and how true that is! The blood of Christ is streaming through our bodies. Our bond is unbreakable! My friend, my sister, I love you! Stay strong. Stay faithful. ♥ Here’s to a brand new year and brand new beginnings!

Man, those vent talkers! They’re in my prayers … (right after I wrote that, they stopped! How funny. : ) ) [End page 231]

[Noway]

Page 234-235
13818-13819

Well, you’re watching tv, you lucky, lucky soul! and I’m sitting here by my door, ready to scream!! I can’t seem to get over the level of immaturity and ignorance that surrounds us at every corner. Give me a break! It’s turned into the Loveline in the vents tonight. Seriously? It’s taking all of my strength not to bang my head against the door frame. Come back sis! My radio isn’t pulling it’s [sic] weight as of late. How depressing! I just can’t seem to listen for too long, without the yelling and squaking [sic] and silliness escalating above any normal level.

Dogs would hide their tiles between their legs after listening to all of this garbage at such ridiculous frequencies! Blah! How badly do you think I’d have to beg to get moved, or better yet, for us to be roomies? Granted, that might not work while we’re here … you and I, sharing two drawers? No way José! HaHa! Now, when we get our place, we both shall have disgusting big closets, and two very glorious bathrooms, and the finishing touch … the kitchen of all kitchens. Deal? Man! It’s not even two yet, but the annoying off-key singing, and over-the-top [End page 234] cursing is never-ending, or so it seems. Whose idea, whose bright ideas was it to partner all of the loudmouths up, together? (And Pear is dropping the N-word!) Ew! Make it stop! Please God, make it stop! I’m going to stop complaining, and patient await your return. Hurry up already. ; ) (just kidding!) I hope you get used to spending little time in this crap-hole, because girl, you’re going HOME! : )

I’ll see you soon!
♥ ya!

(after reading your letter, (Friday night – same night [arrow points to above] I couldn’t help but chuckle. We were both up snacking at all hours of the night! Silly : ) )

Page 236-237
13820-13821






Page 238-239
13822-13823





Page 240
13824




Page 241
13825

[I typed this from right side and then left side, as indicated by Casey’s numbering. This is the other side of the gingerbread men card.]

I found these cards and such in a book I was reading, and unfortunately I figured – Finder’s Keepers.

Is that wrong? They were in one of the new books on the book cart. (Shrugs) At least now, they’re being put to good use.

I’ve come to realize that I still draw like a 5-year-old, unless I have markers or sidewalk chalk. I know where my talents lay.

Better not open the envelope I gave you … it’s the closest thing to a present I can give ya. Besides a silly grin. : )

I wonder what the day is going to bring us on Thursday. Any ideas? As long as it’s not Mariah Carey, or her stupid “All I want for Christmas is you” song. Yuck!

I may just break down and listen to Christmas music. Surprisingly, I never do. Since (sorry) [arrow pointing to the comment about never listening to Christmas music] this year is so ‘unique’, maybe changing things up a bit might be … fun?

Did you ever wear or do you wear Christmas pjs? I do, every year. I miss my jammies. : ( What’s your fave Christmas memory??? ) ♥ ya [End page 241]

[Noway]

Page 244-245
13828-13829

Hey sis! So I started reading this book, The Art of Writing, and not even 6 pages in, I got an epiphany. Crazy, huh? My book, or my journals (I’m not quite sure what I want to do with them yet), I’m going to label “it/them” – A Daily Confession (or Daily Confessions). The more I’ve been writing lately, the more it feels like I’m confessing not just my thoughts, but every single emotion that I have inside of me. I’m one of those people, who if I dwell on something I tend not to remember what it is I’m looking for, but in those moments of meditation, prayer, or while engulfing myself in yet another piece of literature, it slaps me in the face (usually in the most gentle way). : )

I’m having one of those days where all I want to do is glue my ear-plugs to my head, grab any and every snack in sight and just vege-out. With the constant uproar of “emotions” around us, it’s hard not to want to escape into our own safe little world(s). The more I think about going home, the more I’m comforted. Every day I wonder how God can fill me with such strength, to wake up, eat, sleep (soundly), make my bed, read, and write, in a calm and quiet manor [sic]. I’m constantly encouraged by my prayers for you and the fam and for my family.

Knowing that our families are continuing to grow, no matter the trials in our lives, it’s remarkable! To be able to smile every day, and to be able to laugh even after [b[every thing[/b] that has happened … how can we not be grateful to the endless love that He has given us? Every single day I pray for the end of this journey, for our miracles, but I’ve realized something. We’re on two journeys at the same time – our growth with Christ, and the true end of our old lives. We have been born again, my sister, and man! does it feel good! : ) I can’t wait for you to go home! Yes, I’ll be lonely here without you, but knowing that you’re happy, suits me just fine! Something that I’ve been pondering and it’s sitting pretty clearly in my mind – I guess my heart finally decided to share.

As long as you are close to my heart, nothing can break that bond, that love. No matter how many miles are between us, we can and will overcome, anything and everything in our [last line is cut off] [End page 244]

Family is family.

Keep Clay close to your heart.
Don’t ever give up hope!
God’s love will get us through it all.
His love is unconditional.
He feels your pain, your sorrow; for your pain, your sorrow is His pain and His sorrow.
Your tears are His tears.
When you’re laughing, He is laughing too.

What comfort! What love!

I love you, my friend, my sister.

We’ll make it through this, and we will achieve greatness. For He has given us both a great power and it will not be wasted!

Ciao! [the dot on the “i” is a ♥]

(Can you start smuggling me some toilet paper? I hate running out and not having a back-up! HaHa!) [End page 245]


Page 246-247
13830-13831