Mel--Moms and Dads can't be everywhere but we can make our kids aware of our expectations. One of the most memorable pieces of advice I ever got about raising kids is "It's not what they do, but how you respond, that makes the difference".
Kids would not be normal or healthy if they didn't push the boundaries and try some "stuff". What matters is how we respond. It's best not to freak out but to stay calm and concerned and loving--to let them know that they can make a mistake but they need to make it right. Don't lecture. Kids don't have the listening capacity of a gnat. Use simple words and actions to teach. The heart to hearts are a perk of the twenties. Plus you both get to share a bottle of wine or a pot of coffee!!
Try not to fix every little problem. Let them sweat. That's healthy. I personally feel that shame is a very good thing. There's not enough shame in our society today. Of course kids are going to go to R rated films, smoke some pot, drive too fast, look at *advertiser censored*, play violent video games. As long, though, as they know in the back of their minds, that "Mom or Dad wouldn't like this", they'll do fine. They will carry you on their shoulder like Jiminy Cricket!! It's very important to build the bonds strongly before the teen years set in--like battening down the hatches before a storm. You can ride it out. You'll both be proud you made it.
I've found that if you keep touch a part of your every day life, it works like a charm. It's really hard to hug your Mom or your Dad and not have a conscience!! Kids go around thinking, "Bummer, I can't do that or they'd be disappointed". That's success, in my book.
BTW, I just welcomed home, with loving arms, a delightful 20 year old--home from college (YES!!)--a survivor--an amazing young man. I could not be more blessed. This little boy/man was put into my arms at age two. I never would have imagined the incredible human being that he has become.
Kids would not be normal or healthy if they didn't push the boundaries and try some "stuff". What matters is how we respond. It's best not to freak out but to stay calm and concerned and loving--to let them know that they can make a mistake but they need to make it right. Don't lecture. Kids don't have the listening capacity of a gnat. Use simple words and actions to teach. The heart to hearts are a perk of the twenties. Plus you both get to share a bottle of wine or a pot of coffee!!
Try not to fix every little problem. Let them sweat. That's healthy. I personally feel that shame is a very good thing. There's not enough shame in our society today. Of course kids are going to go to R rated films, smoke some pot, drive too fast, look at *advertiser censored*, play violent video games. As long, though, as they know in the back of their minds, that "Mom or Dad wouldn't like this", they'll do fine. They will carry you on their shoulder like Jiminy Cricket!! It's very important to build the bonds strongly before the teen years set in--like battening down the hatches before a storm. You can ride it out. You'll both be proud you made it.
I've found that if you keep touch a part of your every day life, it works like a charm. It's really hard to hug your Mom or your Dad and not have a conscience!! Kids go around thinking, "Bummer, I can't do that or they'd be disappointed". That's success, in my book.
BTW, I just welcomed home, with loving arms, a delightful 20 year old--home from college (YES!!)--a survivor--an amazing young man. I could not be more blessed. This little boy/man was put into my arms at age two. I never would have imagined the incredible human being that he has become.
