I have borderline personality disorder, and I wanted to comment on what "I" saw and felt about this paragraph below. What I want to point out will be in bold, and my words will be in red.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DawnTCB
KC: I dont know what I CANthink anymore
I know this is part of BPD, because without medication, I too, truly feel that I don't know what I CAN think. In other words, those with BPD, go from feeling one thing to another very quickly, we can feel angry, then guilt about that anger, then depression from the guilt, etc. etc. and we're never really sure WHAT we feel, or what we SHOULD feel, because we have NO confidence in ourselves at all, and we have no trust in anyone else.
Many times, this is caused by not having the proper love and care, when we were children. And even though we see that she may have been loved, she was also 'spoiled' and 'coddled', and wasn't given the proper discipline ... that in itself is neglectful, since discipline (done in the right way) portrays love to children, since then they know they are loved, since their parents CARE what they do and don't do, where they are, etc. etc.
So in that sense, BPD starts to develop, because the child has no real sense of being loved and truly cared for, since she can do whatever she wants. Oh, she may enjoy that as she goes along, but truly deeply inside the soul of a child, they WANT and NEED control and discipline, it tells them they are loved.
MOM, just keep saying it BECAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH Its all we want. OUR FAMILY IS BROKEN.
Here, she is telling her MOM to keep saying it, because this is her way of placing the burden and responsibility on her Mom, so she can come across as the victim ... the child who needs to feel completely loved, since she never truly did as a child, because of the lack of discipline and them allowing her to do whatever she wants.
She then points out that it's the TRUTH ... that our family is broken. Here I see two things she may be meaning. One is that she feels the family IS broken, because of the lack of discipline and rules, etc. and who knows what else she's referring to. Two is that SHE feels broken. Trust me, BPD's DO feel broken, absolutely feeling they have NO idea where they belong in this world, and without the guidance of rules, when they're young, that gives them even MORE of a sense of being lost.
We want to have that fixed.
"I" want to have that fixed, us fixed .. I wish I felt totally loved and cared about, but you always let me do whatever I wanted to, never held me accountable for anything, and all though it was fun at the time, it hurt to know you didn't care enough to stop me. So now ... who am I and what am I .... and what purpose do I fill here on earth?
We know what that means to have our family broken apart by something now. By tragedy. We dont want this to any longer be a tragedy.
Notice that she uses WE allot? She's actually both talking about herself, and also trying to once again, bring them together as a family, hoping against hope, that she's 'rescued' ... to show she is loved. I truly think she WANTS them to be more forceful ... and firm .. therefore holding her responsible FINALLY for something.
I dont want to be one of those thousands of parents that, that has to deal with the possibility of never seeing their, their child again. With the potential of knowing that their childs alive and that theyre with someone else.
The paragraph above? I think that's only for sympathy, empathy, to be felt sorry for ... to get their love and attention .. and to 'play' them into giving her attention. (but it's still about 'love', not surface love, but REAL love, meaning rules, regulations, restrictions, because they CARE about her well being and that she becomes a responsible adult).
The thought of that every day makes me sick.
This can be about any number of things, But trust me, if she's truly BPD, she isn't talking about what she 'appears' to be talking about. BPD's find it VERY hard, if not impossible, to say how they're REALLY feeling, because the moment they do, they let down their sheild of the fear of not being loved and of being abandoned.
So I think here, she may be expressing that SHE makes herself sick, that she feels what many BPD's feel, loathing of themselves, sometimes hating themselves, feeling invisible, no direction in life.
She also may be speaking of the fact that it makes her sick, that it came to this ... that she took her child's life, because she is so FOOKED up.
I know this all may seem crazy to you guys .... and I am NOT saying most BPD's kill their children or anyone for that matter, usually if anyone, they attempt to kill THEMSELVES, but in this case, if a BPD feels SO alone and lost, they may turn to this ... all though I believe that may have been the 'sociopath' side of her.
Also one more thing: Many BPD's go a bit on the wild side, drinking, sex, stealing, etc... some of it is to cover up how they REALLY feel totally empty, void of purpose, and lost. The other part of it is, to show the world that they're ok ... adjusted like everybody else is. They can NOT show the truth, their TRUE feelings of being lost, and of being scared to death of not being loved.
Sorry this was so long, and I'm not saying I'm right in every single thing here, but just thought I'd give you the perspective from the BPD's side.
Also, I'm NOT defending her doing what she did in ANY sense! Just so you know.... but letting you in on the BPD's psyche a bit.
respectfully snipped.
As hard as it is for you to believe, it helped Cindy. It helped George. It helped Lee. Denial is a USEFUL tool that allows people to function until they can replace it with another tool. Sometimes, another tool is not found. Nevertheless, the denial allowed them to survive and prevented them from being swallowed whole by Casey's pathology.
