Abusers/Bully Upbringing

[HMSHood]

Abuse
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/abuse.htm

Anxiety

The abuser is an individual who lives in a state of unusually high anxiety and who has not learnt to deal with that anxiety in the way normal people have. The abuser is insecure, immature, and inadequate, especially in the areas of interpersonal and behavioural skills. If the abuse is of a sexual nature, the abuser is usually sexually inadequate.

The high anxiety seems to be the result of an inability to relate to other people combined with the fear of exposure of that person's inadequacy, immaturity and insecurity. This leads the abuser to want to control and dominate others, having never learnt how to interact with others in normal ways. Often, the abuser is psychopathic (physically violent) or sociopathic (psychologically violent) and despite being fearful of exposure, doesn't show the normal activation of the fight or flight mechanism.

Upbringing

Abusers are usually brought up in a dysfunctional family. The more abusive the adult, the more dysfunctional the family. Often, the father, if present, is violent and abusive. Perhaps the mother is co-dependent, a successful survival strategy when living with a violent partner; however, co-dependency also perpetuates the violence as it avoids dealing with the issue. Usually one or both parents are sociopathic or psychopathic. Occasionally, the child is over-protected, usually by the mother, and thus never allowed to develop as an individual human being. Sometimes, the child is ignored in favour of a sibling.

Before blaming the parents, the reason parents are dysfunctional is because they were brought up in dysfunctional families. The more dysfunctional the parent, the more dysfunctional were their parents ... and so on. Most people are never taught parenting skills. The sole teachers of parenting skills are thus ... our parents. It's not that we actively teach our kids to parent - kids learn by example. We grow up and repeat what they did to us. If all you have ever known is abuse, that is the only way you know how to behave. Human beings do not automatically know what is right and what is wrong; we have to learn it.

The child lives in a dysfunctional environment where abuse, violence or neglect are the norm; as the subject of abuse, the child cannot predict the behaviour of the responsible adults, and therefore has no control. The child learns, usually from an early age, that using bullying behaviours brings relief from anxiety. With so few people able to recognise bullying for what it is, and with strategies of denial, distraction and feigning victimhood perfected by about the age of five, the child has found a successful strategy for reducing anxiety, and thus surviving. Controlling other children through violent behaviour means brings a sense of power (control) to the child; he can't predict or control his parents but he can control other (smaller or less physically strong) children. His targets also become useful objects onto which he can freely displace his own aggression.

Seven types of abuse identified
1. Physical abuse
2. Sexual abuse
3. Tactile abuse
4. Existence abuse
5. Religious abuse or cult abuse
6. Emotional abuse
7. Psychological abuse

Makes me wonder how many of these bullies we hear about are target some sort of abuse. I would not be all that surprised that Lori Drew, South Hadley 6, and Jennifer Petkov are themselves target of abuse. Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Osama bin Laden are known to be targets of parental abuse.

I would not be surprised on the opposite end, permissive parenting playing an equal role in bullying as well.

[kline]

I know the ensuing discussion would degenerate into a un- productive bloodbath but I cant help but wonder what a look at the political and religious affiliations of Bully's families would indicate?

[Knot4u2no]

Originally Posted by kline

I know the ensuing discussion would degenerate into a un- productive bloodbath but I cant help but wonder what a look at the political and religious affiliations of Bully's families would indicate?

IMO, young bullies grow up to be criminals, just thugs who use force and violence as their primary problem-solving strategy. A profile of criminals incarcerated as habitual felons for violent crimes would probably give you a good population summary.

Russell

[LinasK]

Originally Posted by HMSHood

<snipped>

I would not be surprised on the opposite end, permissive parenting playing an equal role in bullying as well.

I've seen the results of permissive parenting with my husband's nieces and their kids, and yes, the lack of structure does produce kids who are undisciplined and get into more trouble and underperform in school.

Originally Posted by Knot4u2no

IMO, young bullies grow up to be criminals, just thugs who use force and violence as their primary problem-solving strategy. A profile of criminals incarcerated as habitual felons for violent crimes would probably give you a good population summary.

Russell

I worked with adolescents in a psych facility, and most of them could not begin to express their emotions verbally. I asked one boy, "How would you tell someone off if you were angry?". His response, "I wouldn't, I'd just punch 'em!"!!!

[HMSHood]

Originally Posted by kline

I know the ensuing discussion would degenerate into a un- productive bloodbath but I cant help but wonder what a look at the political and religious affiliations of Bully's families would indicate?

I am not sure about politics. However, I have noticed many killers coming from extremely religious households and I mean fanatically religious, not just religious. They are often abusive as well.

[not_my_kids]

My personal take on bullies (and many others that become violent or dangerous) is a lack of coping skills. The ability to cope with life used to be taught to us as kids, it was taught right along with the ABC's and birds and bees.

Now, we don't teach coping. We teach "Take this pill if you have a problem, but if no one gives you a pill, then you don't have a problem." We no longer teach kids that they will have to deal with people they don't like, or that they have to be nice for no reason and with no gain. We don't teach them to cope with life, and that has led to having three classes of kids: zombies on meds because they had a problem, kids that had no diagnosis, just a marked lack of coping skills that were ignored until they became aggressive as bullies, and victims with a lack of coping skills that is ignored until they kill themselves because of something that they should have been taught to cope with.

Great for the future generations: We'll have a world of bullies (which we have always had), drugged out zombies (which are becoming much more common), and suicide survivors (which would be happening less if parents were teaching their kids how to cope, even when the bullies parent's don't).

Unlike most people, and I know it will get me slammed, I am of the belief that when a child kills themselves due to bullying, there are a lot of people to blame: The bully, and whoever was responsible for their upbringing, and whoever was responsible for the victim's upbringing. It's on both sides, in my mind, because if a parent is watching a child, and removes the opportunities for bullying, or teaches the child how to cope with mean hateful people, (as they will be doing every day for the rest of their life) then the child's life is no longer at risk. Bullies are not new, the over-the-top reactions of the victims are. It's time for parents to start protecting their kids from themselves, not just demanding that the schools and the government do it for them.

[HMSHood]

Originally Posted by HMSHood

I am not sure about politics. However, I have noticed many killers coming from extremely religious households and I mean fanatically religious, not just religious. They are often abusive as well.

Killers With Religious Parents
Adolf Hitler
Joseph Stalin
Pol Pot
Osama bin Laden
Richard Kuklinski
Seung-Hui Cho
Eric Borel
Dylan Klebold
Andrew Cunanan
Betty Broderick
Diane Downs
Laurie Tackett, Toni Lawrence, Hope Rippey
Wanda Holloway
Jerry Sandusky
Fred Phelps

Some also had a history of bullying, like Hitler, Stalin, and bin Laden.

[HMSHood]

Originally Posted by Knot4u2no

IMO, young bullies grow up to be criminals, just thugs who use force and violence as their primary problem-solving strategy. A profile of criminals incarcerated as habitual felons for violent crimes would probably give you a good population summary.

Russell

I read research article that 60% of bullies have a felony by age of 24. The younger they start bullying, the more risk for crime.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Prevent-Bu...-24&id=1447882