cujenn81
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Many years ago, I was introduced to The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Understandably, I've seen it mentioned in case thread after case thread over the years -- it's chock full of information about how to keep yourself safe.
I've been wanting to share my notes on the book, as well as some other helpful information that I've found on the website www.nononsenseselfdefense.com (created my Marc MacYoung) and while reading The Cornered Cat: A Woman's Guide to Conceal Carry by Kathy Jackson.
I never knew where to share them before but finally decided this thread was probably the best fit for them. *No one has posted in this thread for years, so I hope someone finds them.
By this time tomorrow, 1100 people will have faced a criminal with a gun. Within the next hour, 75 women will be raped.
The average police response time is 10 minutes within city limits.
That's enough time for a shooting, stabbing, strangulation, successful kidnapping, or rape.
The key element of recognizing danger is believing it can happen to you. You must also realize that it's not the responsibility of the police, the government, your apartment manager, or the bar’s bouncer to ensure your safety. It’s your responsibility.
We all know how to respect intuition --- just not our own. For example, we tend to invest all kinds of intuitive ability in dogs. The irony: it's far more likely that Ginger is reacting to your signals and not her own. Ginger is an expert at reading you, and you are the expert at reading other people.
Contrary to popular belief, human intuition is vastly superior to that of a dog's. Ginger does sense and react to fear in humans because she instinctively knows that a frightened person (or animal) is more likely to be dangerous, but she has nothing you don't have. The problem, in fact, is that extra something that you do have that a dog doesn't: judgment. That judgment is what gets in the way of your perception and intuition.
With judgment comes the ability to disregard your own intuition unless you can explain it logically. Ginger isn't distracted by the way things could be, used to be, or should be. She only perceives what actually IS. When we rely on the intuition of a dog, it's often a way to give ourselves permission to have opinions that we might otherwise be forced to call (God forbid!) unsubstantiated.
Violence always a purpose or meaning (at least to the offender).
It is never random.
Violence is also both psychological and physiological in nature. Even the habitually violent prepare themselves to attack. It can happen quickly and the signs may be subtle, but the warning signs are easy to detect if you know what they are.
The offender's body will deceive him even if he seems calm and normal. Nonverbal behavior is often enough to warn you that something is amiss.
Learn to trust your instincts.
PHYSICAL PRE-VIOLENCE INDICATORS
(aka the physical symptoms of the human fight-or-flight response)
Fidgeting or Pacing
Runny Nose / Rubbing Nose
Sweating
Tense Muscles / Stiff Posture
Goosebumps
Rapid and/or Heavy Breathing
Pale or Flushed Skin
Dilated Pupils
Quick and/or Brisk Movements
Shaking or Trembling
Changes in the pitch, rate, or tone of voice
We accurately predict human behavior every day. We safely navigate through morning traffic and instinctively know when another driver will pull out in front of us before they even do it. We predict how a child will react to a warning, how a witness will react to a question, how a customer will react to a slogan, how an audience will react to a scene, how a spouse will react to a comment.
We intuitively evaluate people all the time, but they only get our conscious attention when there is a reason. Therefore, we ought to pay attention when something calls out to us.
SURVIVAL SIGNALS
Forced Teaming - establishing premature trust through the use of “we” because a we're-in-the-same-boat attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude.
"We have a hungry cat up there."
"How are we going to handle this?"
"We're some team."
The simple defense is to make a clear refusal to their concept of partnership.
"I didn’t ask for your help nor do I want it."
Safety is the preeminent concern of all creatures and justifies a seemingly abrupt and/or rejecting response.
Charm - a directed instrument used for self-serving reasons
To charm is to compel, to control by allure or attraction.
The defense is to think, "This person is trying to charm me," as opposed to, "This person is charming," and you'll be able to see around it.
Typecasting - assigning a label to a woman in a slightly critical way (similar to a backhanded compliment) hoping she will feel compelled to prove him wrong
“You’re probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me.”
It always involves a slight insult that is easy to refute. The response itself is the typecaster's goal, so the best defense is your silence.
Loan Sharking - offering assistance while calculating the debt
If you owe a person something, it makes it difficult to ask him to leave you alone. Loan sharking is used to create feelings of guilt or obligation, but the criminal doesn’t want you to “pay off the debt” -- he’d rather collect on the interest. The best defense is to remember that he approached you and you didn't ask for his help.
Unsolicited Promises - used to convince us of an intention (they are not guarantees)
The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals because it's almost always of questionable motive. It's the hollowest instruments of speech, as it shows you nothing more than his desire to convince you of something.
Ask yourself: Why does this person need to convince me?
The reason he is promising you something is because he needs to convince you, as he can see that you are not convinced. You have doubt (which is a messenger of intuition), likely because there is reason to doubt.
Discounting the Word "No" - a signal that someone is seeking control or refusing to relinquish it
"No" is a word that must never be negotiated because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. The worst response is to give ever-weakening refusals and then give in. The criminal's process of victim selection is looking for a vulnerable person who will allow him to be in control. Just as he constantly gives signals, so does he read them.
When I encounter a person hung up on the seeming rudeness of a response, I imagine this conversation taking place after a stranger is told no by a woman he has approached:
MAN: What a b*tch. What's your problem, lady? I was just trying to offer a little help to a pretty woman. What are you so paranoid about?
WOMAN: You're right. I shouldn't be so wary. I'm overreacting about nothing. I mean, just because a man makes an unsolicited and persistent approach in an underground parking lot in a society where crimes against women have risen four times faster than the general crime rate, and three out of four women will suffer a violent crime; and just because I've personally heard horror stories from every female friend I've ever had; and just because I have to consider where I park, where I walk, whom I talk to, and whom I date in the context of whether someone will kill me or rape me or scare me half to death; and just because several times a week someone makes an inappropriate remark, stares at me, harasses me, follows me, or drives alongside my car pacing me; and just because I have to deal with the apartment manager who gives me the creeps for reasons I haven't figured out yet, yet I can tell by the way he looks at me that given an opportunity he'd do something that would get us both on the evening news; and just because these are life-and-death issues most men know nothing about so that I'm made to feel foolish for being cautious even though I live at the center of a swirl of possible hazards DOESN'T MEAN A WOMAN SHOULD BE WARY OF A STRANGER WHO IGNORES THE WORD 'NO'."
Women's lives are literally on the line in ways men just don't experience. Ask a man when he last felt afraid that another person might harm him and most can't recall a single incident in years. Ask a woman the same question and most can give you a specific example that happened last night, today, or everyday.
Men and women live in different worlds.
At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them and women are afraid men will kill them.
Unlike worry, intuition will not waste your time. It might send any of several messengers to get your attention, so it's good to know how they rank in urgency.
Messengers of Intuition
(from greatest urgency to least urgency)
1. Fear
2. Apprehension
3. Suspicion
4. Hesitation
5. Doubt
6. Gut Feelings
7. Hunches
8. Curiosity
9. Anxiety
10. Wonder
11. Humor
12. Persistent Thoughts
13. Nagging Feelings
Dark Humor - a signal that is rarely recognized because it's a common way to communicate true concern without the risk of feeling silly afterwards and without overtly showing fear
An idea comes into consciousness that seems so outlandish as to be ridiculous. The point is that the idea came into consciousness at all. Why? Because all of the information was there.
THE FIVE STAGES OF VIOLENT CRIME
1. INTENT - the mental and physical process of preparing to commit violence
2. INTERVIEW - the process a criminal uses to determine a victim’s suitability
*The interview appears in many different forms but the following examples are fairly common.
- he approaches you under the guise of normalcy (needs directions, wants to borrow a pen, etc.) to distract you while he positions himself to attack or uses the distraction to test your awareness and/or willingness to defend yourself
- he makes a sudden or unexpected outburst to stun or confuse you
- he exhibits outrageous and escalating behavior to test your boundaries (if he's not rebuffed, his behavior will become more and more extreme until he attacks)
- he observes you from a distance out of sight or stalks you
3. POSITIONING - the process a criminal uses to place himself in a position and location where he can easily overwhelm his victim (attack is imminent)
4. ATTACK - the use of force, or threats of force, to obtain what the criminal wants
5. REACTION - how a criminal responds to his actions (the victim's reaction is a contributing factor)
*An attack can be prevented during stages 1-3. A criminal may have intent but cannot succeed without opportunity (positioning).
A- ABILITY
Is he stronger than you?
Does he have a weapon?
Are you outnumbered?
O- OPPORTUNITY
Are you alone?
Are you in an area beyond immediate help?
I- INTENT
Is he desperate?
Is he known for dangerous behavior?
Does he have nothing to lose?
THE DANGERS OF FRINGE AREAS
Fringe areas are “in between” places where criminals often hunt and are most likely to attack, assault, rape, and kill. They are transitional locations that we pass thru on our way to/from somewhere else -- parking lots, stairwells, elevators, public bathrooms, ATMs, event exits (at concerts, sporting events, etc.), shortcuts through parks or alleys.
In the middle of the crowd, there are too many people around. Too far away from it, there’s no one to attack. At the fringe, there’s enough traffic to find a victim but not enough to interrupt the crime. We often fail to notice a potential attacker because we are too focused on getting to that somewhere else. That lack of focus makes it for a prime target area.
Be mindful about what is considered normal behavior in each fringe area, and anyone acting outside of that norm should serve as a flashing warning sign. For example, a person standing in the middle of a parking lot would be abnormal because most people waiting for others would wait by the car, by the entrance, or on a corner. A lack of focus is another indication something might be amiss. People don’t just randomly wander from car to car or hover around non-specific areas of a parking lot. In general, loitering is a serious sign of probable trouble.
The conscious or unconscious decision to use violence (or anything) involves many mental and emotional processes, but it usually boils down to how a person perceives four fairly simple issues: justification, alternatives, consequences, and ability (JACA).
J - Does he feel justified in using violence?
A - Does he perceive other alternatives to violence?
*If he feels there are no other alternatives, he will fight even when violence is not justified, even when the consequences are unfavorable, and even when the ability to prevail is low.
C - Does he perceive the consequences will be intolerable?
*Violence can be made tolerable by the support or encouragement of others. When the consequences are favorable (to someone who wants attention and has little to lose, for example), the risk of violence is high.
A - Does he believe that he has the ability to commit the act of violence?
Criminals use our blind obedience to social norms against us. The more obvious a rule may seem, the less likely we are to notice or break it to get out of trouble before it begins. Criminals are not bound to these standards and will use them to control behavior.
Criminals make a living out of reading people. They gamble their lives and their freedom on choosing the right victim. The “right person” means life or death to them. One of the most critical factors that help form their decision relies on the victim and their unwillingness to break social norms. A “good” victim behaves as expected but narrows her possibilities of escape.
Therefore, do not be afraid to break common social standards to protect yours. A few of these "social rules" include: don’t draw attention to yourself; don’t lie; don’t talk in the movie theater; don’t go outside naked; don’t take things that aren’t yours; don’t drive on the grass; don’t ignore people talking to you; don’t talk too loud; don’t shove people in a crowd; don’t run a red light.
The Do's and Don'ts of Self Defense
DO's
Walk away from a person or situation that feels wrong.
Locate your keys and have them in your hand before exiting/entering your car or house.
Adopt a brisk and confident stride, hold your head up high, and square your shoulders.
Remain alert at all times.
Glance over your shoulder and surrounding areas before entering your home alone at night.
Be firm and vocal when declining unsolicited offers to help.
Identify places a predator could easily conceal himself (behind dense shrubbery, in poorly lit doorways, and behind large dumpsters) and avoid them.
Draw attention to a situation even if it makes you look crazy.
Approach others for help (rather than accepting it from a stranger who offers), as you are much less likely to randomly ask someone who wants to do you harm versus the other way around.
Throw your wallet over the shoulder of someone demanding money and then take off running in the opposite direction when they run to grab it.
Choose well-populated paths and stay within a crowd while hiking or biking.
Avoid secluded or remote areas of a park and avoid going when it’s less crowded.
Lock your vehicle every time you go inside to pay for gas.
Ask someone you trust to watch over your drink when you’re at a bar or take it with you.
Make as big of a ruckus as you possibly can.
Aim for parts of the body where you can do the most damage -- the eyes (gouge, poke, scratch), the nose (strike upwards with the heel of your palm), the neck (thrust your elbow into his throat while pitching your weight forward), and the knee (kicking the side of a knee can cause injury or partially incapacitate the attacker). Then run like hell in a zigzag pattern towards the brightest lit area nearby.
DON’Ts
Wait for further evidence. If a stranger follows you, tell them firmly that you are NOT interested in continuing the conversation. Maintain eye contact to convey that you know what’s up and you are NOT easy prey.
Walk with your head bowed or take small steps.
Walk through “fringe areas” alone.
Walk past a group of loitering males.
Park in dimly lit areas.
Park between two vans or large trucks/SUVs.
Approach your car if there is someone sitting idly in a car nearby.
Glance tentatively over your shoulder if you hear footsteps behind you. Turn your body completely around to convey that you are not a frightened victim-in-waiting.
Step into an elevator with a lone male if you’re alone.
Wear headphones/earbuds while exercising alone.
Text or talk on the phone while walking to/from your car.
Be afraid to break social norms.
Worry about looking rude.
Be embarrassed to say, “I don’t know you and you’re making me uncomfortable,” loud enough so that others can hear if someone is standing too close to you in a crowded area.
When you hear it setting off warning sirens, find an escape route--FAST!
(You can worry about looking crazy later.)
Do NOT escalate aggressive situations.
Use your confidence, remain calm, and remove yourself from it as quickly as possible.
Use or say whatever is necessary to convince a criminal that you’re not worth the effort it will take to assault you.
Learn the body language of empowerment and use it.
If you do get attacked and believe you cannot defend yourself physically, remember that negotiation, misdirection, and outright lying in order to escape are all perfectly acceptable and just as praiseworthy as more direct methods.
Source Links
The Cornered Cat by Kathy Jackson
No Nonsense Self Defense
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
I've been wanting to share my notes on the book, as well as some other helpful information that I've found on the website www.nononsenseselfdefense.com (created my Marc MacYoung) and while reading The Cornered Cat: A Woman's Guide to Conceal Carry by Kathy Jackson.
I never knew where to share them before but finally decided this thread was probably the best fit for them. *No one has posted in this thread for years, so I hope someone finds them.
“Being afraid of others is actually fear that we are unprepared to protect ourselves.”
– Gavin de Becker, Security Expert
– Gavin de Becker, Security Expert
By this time tomorrow, 1100 people will have faced a criminal with a gun. Within the next hour, 75 women will be raped.
The average police response time is 10 minutes within city limits.
That's enough time for a shooting, stabbing, strangulation, successful kidnapping, or rape.
The key element of recognizing danger is believing it can happen to you. You must also realize that it's not the responsibility of the police, the government, your apartment manager, or the bar’s bouncer to ensure your safety. It’s your responsibility.
Your best line of defense against danger is your brain and your intuition.
Unfortunately, we often look at intuition (despite its root meaning “to guard, to protect”) with contempt—it’s emotional, unreasonable, and inexplicable. We prefer logic, unemotional, grounded, and explainable thought processes.
We, in contrast to every other creature in nature, choose not to explore--and even to ignore--survival signals.
Can you imagine an animal reacting to fear the way some of us react -- with annoyance and disdain -- instead of giving it our undivided attention? There isn't an animal in the wild that would spend any of its mental energy thinking, "It's probably nothing."
We all know how to respect intuition --- just not our own. For example, we tend to invest all kinds of intuitive ability in dogs. The irony: it's far more likely that Ginger is reacting to your signals and not her own. Ginger is an expert at reading you, and you are the expert at reading other people.
Contrary to popular belief, human intuition is vastly superior to that of a dog's. Ginger does sense and react to fear in humans because she instinctively knows that a frightened person (or animal) is more likely to be dangerous, but she has nothing you don't have. The problem, in fact, is that extra something that you do have that a dog doesn't: judgment. That judgment is what gets in the way of your perception and intuition.
With judgment comes the ability to disregard your own intuition unless you can explain it logically. Ginger isn't distracted by the way things could be, used to be, or should be. She only perceives what actually IS. When we rely on the intuition of a dog, it's often a way to give ourselves permission to have opinions that we might otherwise be forced to call (God forbid!) unsubstantiated.
The difference between fear and panic is knowing what to do.
If you already know what to do, fear just makes you do it faster.
If you don’t know what to do, you freeze.
If you already know what to do, fear just makes you do it faster.
If you don’t know what to do, you freeze.
Violence always a purpose or meaning (at least to the offender).
It is never random.
Every thought is preceded by perception.
Every impulse is preceded by a thought.
Every action is preceded by an impulse.
Every impulse is preceded by a thought.
Every action is preceded by an impulse.
Violence is also both psychological and physiological in nature. Even the habitually violent prepare themselves to attack. It can happen quickly and the signs may be subtle, but the warning signs are easy to detect if you know what they are.
The offender's body will deceive him even if he seems calm and normal. Nonverbal behavior is often enough to warn you that something is amiss.
Learn to trust your instincts.
PHYSICAL PRE-VIOLENCE INDICATORS
(aka the physical symptoms of the human fight-or-flight response)
Fidgeting or Pacing
Runny Nose / Rubbing Nose
Sweating
Tense Muscles / Stiff Posture
Goosebumps
Rapid and/or Heavy Breathing
Pale or Flushed Skin
Dilated Pupils
Quick and/or Brisk Movements
Shaking or Trembling
Changes in the pitch, rate, or tone of voice
We accurately predict human behavior every day. We safely navigate through morning traffic and instinctively know when another driver will pull out in front of us before they even do it. We predict how a child will react to a warning, how a witness will react to a question, how a customer will react to a slogan, how an audience will react to a scene, how a spouse will react to a comment.
We intuitively evaluate people all the time, but they only get our conscious attention when there is a reason. Therefore, we ought to pay attention when something calls out to us.
SURVIVAL SIGNALS
Forced Teaming - establishing premature trust through the use of “we” because a we're-in-the-same-boat attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude.
"We have a hungry cat up there."
"How are we going to handle this?"
"We're some team."
The simple defense is to make a clear refusal to their concept of partnership.
"I didn’t ask for your help nor do I want it."
Safety is the preeminent concern of all creatures and justifies a seemingly abrupt and/or rejecting response.
Charm - a directed instrument used for self-serving reasons
To charm is to compel, to control by allure or attraction.
The defense is to think, "This person is trying to charm me," as opposed to, "This person is charming," and you'll be able to see around it.
Typecasting - assigning a label to a woman in a slightly critical way (similar to a backhanded compliment) hoping she will feel compelled to prove him wrong
“You’re probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me.”
It always involves a slight insult that is easy to refute. The response itself is the typecaster's goal, so the best defense is your silence.
Loan Sharking - offering assistance while calculating the debt
If you owe a person something, it makes it difficult to ask him to leave you alone. Loan sharking is used to create feelings of guilt or obligation, but the criminal doesn’t want you to “pay off the debt” -- he’d rather collect on the interest. The best defense is to remember that he approached you and you didn't ask for his help.
Unsolicited Promises - used to convince us of an intention (they are not guarantees)
The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals because it's almost always of questionable motive. It's the hollowest instruments of speech, as it shows you nothing more than his desire to convince you of something.
Ask yourself: Why does this person need to convince me?
The reason he is promising you something is because he needs to convince you, as he can see that you are not convinced. You have doubt (which is a messenger of intuition), likely because there is reason to doubt.
Discounting the Word "No" - a signal that someone is seeking control or refusing to relinquish it
"No" is a word that must never be negotiated because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. The worst response is to give ever-weakening refusals and then give in. The criminal's process of victim selection is looking for a vulnerable person who will allow him to be in control. Just as he constantly gives signals, so does he read them.
When I encounter a person hung up on the seeming rudeness of a response, I imagine this conversation taking place after a stranger is told no by a woman he has approached:
MAN: What a b*tch. What's your problem, lady? I was just trying to offer a little help to a pretty woman. What are you so paranoid about?
WOMAN: You're right. I shouldn't be so wary. I'm overreacting about nothing. I mean, just because a man makes an unsolicited and persistent approach in an underground parking lot in a society where crimes against women have risen four times faster than the general crime rate, and three out of four women will suffer a violent crime; and just because I've personally heard horror stories from every female friend I've ever had; and just because I have to consider where I park, where I walk, whom I talk to, and whom I date in the context of whether someone will kill me or rape me or scare me half to death; and just because several times a week someone makes an inappropriate remark, stares at me, harasses me, follows me, or drives alongside my car pacing me; and just because I have to deal with the apartment manager who gives me the creeps for reasons I haven't figured out yet, yet I can tell by the way he looks at me that given an opportunity he'd do something that would get us both on the evening news; and just because these are life-and-death issues most men know nothing about so that I'm made to feel foolish for being cautious even though I live at the center of a swirl of possible hazards DOESN'T MEAN A WOMAN SHOULD BE WARY OF A STRANGER WHO IGNORES THE WORD 'NO'."
Women's lives are literally on the line in ways men just don't experience. Ask a man when he last felt afraid that another person might harm him and most can't recall a single incident in years. Ask a woman the same question and most can give you a specific example that happened last night, today, or everyday.
Men and women live in different worlds.
At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them and women are afraid men will kill them.
Trust that what causes you alarm probably should, as intuition is always right in two important ways:
1. It's always in response to something.
2. It always has your best interests at heart.
1. It's always in response to something.
2. It always has your best interests at heart.
Unlike worry, intuition will not waste your time. It might send any of several messengers to get your attention, so it's good to know how they rank in urgency.
Messengers of Intuition
(from greatest urgency to least urgency)
1. Fear
2. Apprehension
3. Suspicion
4. Hesitation
5. Doubt
6. Gut Feelings
7. Hunches
8. Curiosity
9. Anxiety
10. Wonder
11. Humor
12. Persistent Thoughts
13. Nagging Feelings
Dark Humor - a signal that is rarely recognized because it's a common way to communicate true concern without the risk of feeling silly afterwards and without overtly showing fear
An idea comes into consciousness that seems so outlandish as to be ridiculous. The point is that the idea came into consciousness at all. Why? Because all of the information was there.
THE FIVE STAGES OF VIOLENT CRIME
1. INTENT - the mental and physical process of preparing to commit violence
2. INTERVIEW - the process a criminal uses to determine a victim’s suitability
*The interview appears in many different forms but the following examples are fairly common.
- he approaches you under the guise of normalcy (needs directions, wants to borrow a pen, etc.) to distract you while he positions himself to attack or uses the distraction to test your awareness and/or willingness to defend yourself
- he makes a sudden or unexpected outburst to stun or confuse you
- he exhibits outrageous and escalating behavior to test your boundaries (if he's not rebuffed, his behavior will become more and more extreme until he attacks)
- he observes you from a distance out of sight or stalks you
3. POSITIONING - the process a criminal uses to place himself in a position and location where he can easily overwhelm his victim (attack is imminent)
4. ATTACK - the use of force, or threats of force, to obtain what the criminal wants
5. REACTION - how a criminal responds to his actions (the victim's reaction is a contributing factor)
*An attack can be prevented during stages 1-3. A criminal may have intent but cannot succeed without opportunity (positioning).
YOU ARE NOT EASY PREY, SO DON’T ACT LIKE YOU ARE.
The AOI System is a tool that can be quickly used to determine if you are in danger.
A- ABILITY
Is he stronger than you?
Does he have a weapon?
Are you outnumbered?
O- OPPORTUNITY
Are you alone?
Are you in an area beyond immediate help?
I- INTENT
Is he desperate?
Is he known for dangerous behavior?
Does he have nothing to lose?
THE DANGERS OF FRINGE AREAS
Fringe areas are “in between” places where criminals often hunt and are most likely to attack, assault, rape, and kill. They are transitional locations that we pass thru on our way to/from somewhere else -- parking lots, stairwells, elevators, public bathrooms, ATMs, event exits (at concerts, sporting events, etc.), shortcuts through parks or alleys.
In the middle of the crowd, there are too many people around. Too far away from it, there’s no one to attack. At the fringe, there’s enough traffic to find a victim but not enough to interrupt the crime. We often fail to notice a potential attacker because we are too focused on getting to that somewhere else. That lack of focus makes it for a prime target area.
Be mindful about what is considered normal behavior in each fringe area, and anyone acting outside of that norm should serve as a flashing warning sign. For example, a person standing in the middle of a parking lot would be abnormal because most people waiting for others would wait by the car, by the entrance, or on a corner. A lack of focus is another indication something might be amiss. People don’t just randomly wander from car to car or hover around non-specific areas of a parking lot. In general, loitering is a serious sign of probable trouble.
The conscious or unconscious decision to use violence (or anything) involves many mental and emotional processes, but it usually boils down to how a person perceives four fairly simple issues: justification, alternatives, consequences, and ability (JACA).
J - Does he feel justified in using violence?
A - Does he perceive other alternatives to violence?
*If he feels there are no other alternatives, he will fight even when violence is not justified, even when the consequences are unfavorable, and even when the ability to prevail is low.
C - Does he perceive the consequences will be intolerable?
*Violence can be made tolerable by the support or encouragement of others. When the consequences are favorable (to someone who wants attention and has little to lose, for example), the risk of violence is high.
A - Does he believe that he has the ability to commit the act of violence?
Criminals use our blind obedience to social norms against us. The more obvious a rule may seem, the less likely we are to notice or break it to get out of trouble before it begins. Criminals are not bound to these standards and will use them to control behavior.
Criminals make a living out of reading people. They gamble their lives and their freedom on choosing the right victim. The “right person” means life or death to them. One of the most critical factors that help form their decision relies on the victim and their unwillingness to break social norms. A “good” victim behaves as expected but narrows her possibilities of escape.
Therefore, do not be afraid to break common social standards to protect yours. A few of these "social rules" include: don’t draw attention to yourself; don’t lie; don’t talk in the movie theater; don’t go outside naked; don’t take things that aren’t yours; don’t drive on the grass; don’t ignore people talking to you; don’t talk too loud; don’t shove people in a crowd; don’t run a red light.
The Do's and Don'ts of Self Defense
DO's
Walk away from a person or situation that feels wrong.
Locate your keys and have them in your hand before exiting/entering your car or house.
Adopt a brisk and confident stride, hold your head up high, and square your shoulders.
Remain alert at all times.
Glance over your shoulder and surrounding areas before entering your home alone at night.
Be firm and vocal when declining unsolicited offers to help.
Identify places a predator could easily conceal himself (behind dense shrubbery, in poorly lit doorways, and behind large dumpsters) and avoid them.
Draw attention to a situation even if it makes you look crazy.
Approach others for help (rather than accepting it from a stranger who offers), as you are much less likely to randomly ask someone who wants to do you harm versus the other way around.
Throw your wallet over the shoulder of someone demanding money and then take off running in the opposite direction when they run to grab it.
Choose well-populated paths and stay within a crowd while hiking or biking.
Avoid secluded or remote areas of a park and avoid going when it’s less crowded.
Lock your vehicle every time you go inside to pay for gas.
Ask someone you trust to watch over your drink when you’re at a bar or take it with you.
Make as big of a ruckus as you possibly can.
Aim for parts of the body where you can do the most damage -- the eyes (gouge, poke, scratch), the nose (strike upwards with the heel of your palm), the neck (thrust your elbow into his throat while pitching your weight forward), and the knee (kicking the side of a knee can cause injury or partially incapacitate the attacker). Then run like hell in a zigzag pattern towards the brightest lit area nearby.
DON’Ts
Wait for further evidence. If a stranger follows you, tell them firmly that you are NOT interested in continuing the conversation. Maintain eye contact to convey that you know what’s up and you are NOT easy prey.
Walk with your head bowed or take small steps.
Walk through “fringe areas” alone.
Walk past a group of loitering males.
Park in dimly lit areas.
Park between two vans or large trucks/SUVs.
Approach your car if there is someone sitting idly in a car nearby.
Glance tentatively over your shoulder if you hear footsteps behind you. Turn your body completely around to convey that you are not a frightened victim-in-waiting.
Step into an elevator with a lone male if you’re alone.
Wear headphones/earbuds while exercising alone.
Text or talk on the phone while walking to/from your car.
Be afraid to break social norms.
Worry about looking rude.
Be embarrassed to say, “I don’t know you and you’re making me uncomfortable,” loud enough so that others can hear if someone is standing too close to you in a crowded area.
MOST IMPORTANTLY...
Never, ever, ever, ever allow a man to threaten you into going with him to another location (even if he has a weapon).
If he wants to take you somewhere else it’s because his plans for you cannot be carried out in the location where you are now. Your odds of survival are the very best they ever will be at that moment.Never, ever, ever, ever allow a man to threaten you into going with him to another location (even if he has a weapon).
AND ABOVE ALL ELSE...
Your inner voice should always be trusted.
Your inner voice should always be trusted.
When you hear it setting off warning sirens, find an escape route--FAST!
(You can worry about looking crazy later.)
Do NOT escalate aggressive situations.
Use your confidence, remain calm, and remove yourself from it as quickly as possible.
Use or say whatever is necessary to convince a criminal that you’re not worth the effort it will take to assault you.
Learn the body language of empowerment and use it.
If you do get attacked and believe you cannot defend yourself physically, remember that negotiation, misdirection, and outright lying in order to escape are all perfectly acceptable and just as praiseworthy as more direct methods.
Source Links
The Cornered Cat by Kathy Jackson
No Nonsense Self Defense
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
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