So I want to say upfront that IF the Harts knew of what I’m going to say, it seems more likely to me that they would use it to cover their tears than using it wholeheartedly for the best interests of the children.
1) many times kids “from hard places” are a bit behind socially, even developmentally. So the 10yo seems 6 or the 19yo seems 14. So it may be that kids weren’t dating, going to college, driving, etc simply because they weren’t ready yet.
2) many times kids “from hard places” need rules that seem odd to the average person. Their intimacy with others, their relationship with food, etc can all be skewed so rules keep them safe and keep healthy boundaries until the child shows they can follow normal patterns of behavior in their own.
3) many times, it is encouraged to parents of kids “from hard places” to keep their world small. Homeschooling, limited friendships, not doing certain activities all help kids develop healthy familiar relationships, keep anxiety lower, help minimize behaviors, etc.
4) there are studies that show family socialization to be what really shapes a person socially. You have healthy role models from your parents and older siblings. You teach younger siblings. You have your best friends often within a family. Of course, it’s not the ONLY socialization suggested. Normally, people would have people they did things with, hung around at least semi-regularly, could go to when they need help, etc. But generally, school type socialization isn’t “real world” nor the healthiest version.
5) discipline for kids from hard places looks different. Sometimes it may appear we are too lenient or making excuses. Sometimes people wonder why we put up with certain things. But many times, we are ultra consistent, have clearly drawn lines, and hope the child feels more secure with knowing the boundaries. And if those boundaries do bend, our child may not be able to understand that this was a special circumstance. So bedtime is at X every single night without fail. A kid may NEVER get a sofa. They may only be allowed to hug people with their last name. They must hold mama’s shirt tail in public. Whatever.
For an adoptive child, especially one born addicted to drugs, who had several homes, who experienced neglect and abuse, homeschooling, a small world, strange rules, strict (not harsh!) discipline, recognizing they are a little behind developmentally may be extra helpful.
I think my biggest thought regarding this is to encourage people to know that this is encouraged TO SOME DEGREE to adoptive families. Don’t jump to heavily on the idea that we are all hiding something if we are doing some/all of these things.
Again, maybe the Harts heard some of these things and ran with it. Or maybe they used them as excuses to go too far with it all. Or maybe they never did any research and were clueless on top of abusive.
I just wanted to share some things you might not know about.
I was a teacher for over thirty years in schools where most of the kids came from poverty. I had children who were adopted or were living with relatives or in shelters. I had some that were born drug addicted. Or some that came from intact families.
I did have parents who disappeared when we as school personnel started getting too close to examining what was happening . One that really bothered me was a woman from a farm in Southern MN. Lots of strange things. But she fled.
With hundreds of children I taught, I have to say we never treated the children differently. They had rules and expectations. We would take data on what triggered them, and then try to change things so the triggers would be addressed,
For instance, children who have instability like things the same. So if any changes in the classroom are to be made, we do them together as a group rather than them walking into a new situation,
One girl freaked out when coming to school. Why? The psychologist analyzed it and it was because she could not scan the room because we had a bookcase right by the door. She did not feel safe unless she could scan the room.
Fortunately we had staff who I could discuss things with. Weighted vests, texture balls to squeeze, sitting on texture mats. And we discussed methods with the child on what to do if they were going to have a meltdown.
This was all with kids of varying abilities and ethnicities. In all of my years, I did not have to resort to punishment. The children were able to work as a team and we could discuss and brainstorm.or they could express their anger and we would listen. That is all they wanted. Someone to listen. The original issue did not even matter after the child was heard. We would ask what the child wanted out of the situation. It was so amazing.
I did not allow items from home because they get stolen or lost. But sometimes some kid needed whatever it was he needed. We discussed the need as a group. Then the next couple of days several kids brought their “needed” items but they promptly forgot about them as they did not really need them.
I am so passionate about this because I know it works. Not because I am teacher and greatest person of the year, but because I had training.
We had a special grant for a few years. One time a man came and sat in my room for the whole time taking notes. At the end of the day, he asked me if the kids were always so well behaved. I have to admit I was astounded myself.
The next day things went back to normal.
We can make a difference in kid’s lives by treating them with respect. They are amazing. The positive things they think of!
Big emotions are a learning time because they will have them all of their lives. Learning what to do with those big emotions is critical.
