I did want to add to the discussion tips for families in a situation like Lucas’s. From my time at CPS, I learned the most vulnerable kids are the ones who are not yet school aged, live in a home with a parent and an unrelated adult (like a boyfriend or girlfriend), have history of domestic violence and/or substance abuse and have little to no access to their other biological parent or extended family. I learned that babies don’t bruise, unless by serious injury or illness. And one of the most high risk times for abuse surrounds potty training. It’s amazing how many people who beat their children due to having potty accidents.
I would say that if both parents have shared or joint custody (regardless of where the child lives) the other parents often feel like they can’t do anything because they only have visitation. But that’s not true. If your child comes home with bruises, take them to a doctor or ER immediately. Do it every time. You need to have mandated reporters like doctors, teachers and therapists see your child. Call 911 so an officer can document the injuries, even if they can’t do anything, there will be a record. Call for well child checks when the child is with the other potential abusive parent. Especially if the residential parent denies visitation due to the other child “being sick”. Often it can be that the child is too bruised or scarred and they are trying to hide the abuse. You can insist on taking the child anyway, know your rights. Get a protective order for your child against their abuser (like dad’s girlfriend or mom’s boyfriend). Have other people witness your child’s injuries or scars. Document everything and take photos of them. But be very careful with questioning your child, you will want to learn how to discuss what’s going on with them. There are lots of books and resources out there to help you. Report everything to CPS, even if every time they don’t seem to find anything wrong, it’s a paper trail that matters. Finally, most states have what they call “self help” in their court system. You can find all the forms necessary to ask for emergency custody, parenting plans, custody changes.....you can act as your own attorney and it’s more successful then you might think. Insist on having a parenting plan filed, even if you weren’t married to your child’s other parent. Make sure to include a clause for Rights for First Refusal. Basically, what it means is if a parent will be gone for a certain length of time (like more than 3 or 4) during visitation, the other parent has the right to keep the child over a babysitter or other family member. I’ve also seen people include in their parenting plans a clause that says no live in girlfriend or boyfriend for either parent.
It is a frustrating and helpless feeling when you have a child you think may be abused and there is nothing you can do about it. Running away with the child may seem like a good idea, but it’s not. It will mean that once caught, you won’t have any access to your child. Don’t let the court system intimidate you. As an extended family member, you could go thru the process of becoming a foster home, or have a formal home study done. The courts would require that anyway if an extended family member was trying to get custody of an abused or neglected child. There are advocacy groups out there, use social media if you aren’t getting any help from the legal system. Ask for a guardian ad litem or CASA volunteer. Research what signs to look for if a child is being abused or neglected. Are they regressing like having accidents despite being potty trained for instance? Look at where your child’s bruises are, some are more indicative of abuse than others. For instance, the back of legs, ones that encircle the limbs, even the size and shape are important. Is the child having trouble sleeping? Are they clingy? Are they slow to meet normal milestones, have they stopped growing? How is their appetite? How do they react to other adults in your presence, how are their social skills? Do your research, ask lots of questions, don’t be scared to use the legal system. Don’t let the other parent intimidate or threaten you. Even if you aren’t getting anywhere, trying to be proactive in limiting their risk factors. That needs to be put in place right away, even if you are coparenting well together. If you find yourself in a situation where suspected abuse is happening, make sure to conduct yourself like you are in front of a judge or social worker......don’t threaten or yell or become spiteful. Even if the other parent acts that way to you, don’t reciprocate because a judge will look at how you behave and handle this tough situations.
I wish I could say there is one place you can turn too to help but it’s just not how it is. Unfortunately their are people who abuse the system out of spite. People will make reports to CPS because they are in a custody dispute, they aren’t reporting abuse, they are basically reporting complaints. I think there needs to be a change in how reports are taken. I think mandated reporters need to have dedicated lines and people in custody disputes should have another. I think that if there are more than 3-4 reports filed in a 6 month to a year time frame should trigger a CINC case. I think if the other parent has any domestic violence calls to their home should also be notified to the other parent as well as CPS. I could go on but anyway......I’m grateful to have met Lucas’s family and that we were able to help in the search. Lucas is now at peace, I’m just hopeful he may save other kids from ending up like him. The biggest tragedy would be if he died in vain.
