I am thinking it was not a ambush, like a pushing violent one, I am thinking like sneaking up from behind with a ligature or similar object this would have caused her to drop her phone without a texting buddy to know why . BM was tall enough to lift SM off the floor upright and choke her without much of a struggle. Just a guess but doable. IMO
I don't picture this conversation between Suzanne and BFF to be on the phone. Surely Suzanne had a laptop or ipad? (She's shown wearing an Apple Watch in one vacation picture, so I'm going with possible iPad). When I have long convos with my friend (or post on WS), it's always on the laptop, for speed, but also to share links, copy pictures, etc. Really hard to do on the phone.
It could have been a desktop, too. But I picture Suzanne as someone who would have had her own laptop.
The big advantage of text or FB conversations is that both parties can talk to someone else (I'm chatting with DH as I compose this), take phone calls, answer texts from others (yesterday, I had two conversations going on at once - everyone knows that there's a lag in response - I still need to resume my convo with my BFF). You can walk around the house, get little things down, same with the other person, then resume the cozy conversation.
I believe Suzanne had told her BFF a bit about marital problems (BM's anger issues?) Maybe that was part of their final argument. Abusers truly do not like being outed. Even if they've already been outed or been in legal trouble, they don't want it referred to or mentioned. Some people with anger management issues truly do not recall the details of what they did unless reminded and then act surprised and dismayed (or get angry again; it's always best to handle the issues in a counseling session or with someone else present).
At any rate, I am falling more into the "not premeditated" camp (although I do believe that BM had fantasized about what to do if he ever hurt Suzanne, as he knew what he was capable of).
Odd fact: my ex seemed to be unaware of his own strength. Like BM, he got into weight lifting, was a state level wrestler in high school, and could have made the university wrestling team. He had trophies for his football achievements (I think he was a defensive halfback? Is that a thing? Anyway, it involved running and knocking people down). On more than one occasion, he got too rough in flag football with his "friends" (housemates). And on more than one occasion, he got too rough with me - all while "playing." He'd pick me up and toss me (playfully, he said; ouch, I said as I hit the wall behind the bed, where he was trying to throw me). As we got older, a lot of this horseplay stopped, but he'd still grab too hard when he had to keep one of the kids from doing something unsafe.
IOW, for many of these. men, their use of strength is "playful" or "accidental" but it still can result in harm. These are the pusher/shover guys you read about. To them, pushing or shoving isn't "really violent." I don't know how many DV offenders I've interviewed (too many), but "I didn't mean to" or "I didn't realize" is almost always the first thing out of their mouths. As a result of all of this, I simply do not hang out with people who use physical force playfully or "accidentally." No one tackles someone "accidentally" or throws someone across a room "accidentally" (even if they thought their aim was true and that no one would be hurt).
By "fantasizing" about the situation, I mean that many abusers try to come up with strategies to curb/make up for their issues. So, they say to themselves, "Next time, I really won't throw her laptop across the room." They use reasoning ("It's too expensive") rather than actually going to therapy (and possibly going on medication) in order to control their irritability and impulsiveness. They think to themselves, "But if I do throw it, I know that I can get a new one from Apple within a week, and in the meantime, I'll give up my own laptop." They think, "And if she tries to leave me over a laptop - why - that's her problem, she's insane." Abusers typically think the real problem is the other person.
Which is why I cringed when that video began with, "Oh, Suzanne." "Oh, Suzanne, look what you made me do THIS time...you know I get hangry when I come home unexpectedly, want my lunch and some time with you - and you're on that damned laptop again."
I'm not saying this actually happened, but in my mind, the dynamics of this relationship cannot be "normal", not once it's clear that BM cannot restrain himself from laying his hands on other people (as demonstrated by the incident(s) in Indiana).
Among other fantasies they have are things like, "If she tries to tell anyone, I'll make her shut up" and "She better not lord this over me, sure, I get mean sometimes, but she's a nitwit and gets on my last nerve." The moral upper hand that the victim has in a relationship like this is like a sword hanging over the abuser's head (I can't really imagine what that's like, but so many of them really, truly resent their victims deeply).
Some actually encourage their victims to "fight back next time."
Yeah, right.
