Signs of Danger Single Moms Need to be Aware of

[tlcya]

I agree Seeker. A section which addresses commonly encountered injuries and distinguishes them from less common (more suspicious) injuries. Also a section that lists psychological and behavioral indicators that are common to abused children so a parent can more easily recognize when an injury or behavior to or of their child should cause them concern and to investigate further into the cause.

 

[TerriM]

I never dated when my kids were young.

I still feel quite strongly about this. Children do not need to be exposed to their mother's love life.

Recently Nicole Kidman's sister remarried - not so shocking - but she had 4 SMALL children (under 5).

IMO, any single mother with small children has NO TIME to meet someone, date, and remarry, if they are putting their children first...let alone the complications of expecting the kids to like the guy as much as you do.

I know loads of people will disagree with this - I just felt that I'd made the choice to have babies, and it was my number one priority to look after them...not my sex life.

My neice was 2 when my sis and her ex divorced. My sister NEVER brought a man home to meet my neice. As far as she knew (or needed to know ) it was just her and her mom. My neice is now going off to college a smart and beautiful young woman and my sister says she wouldn't change a thing.

 

[southernnana]

I think it's got potential. There should be another section talking about signs and behaviors that your children display that could indicate they are being abused.

Link to the US Dept of Health and Human Services, Child Information Gateway Program. The material includes several pages of "Fact Sheets" in recognizing signs and symptoms of child abuse and neglect.

It is a useful tool of information for anyone interested in these topics.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm

Recognizing Child Abuse

The following signs may signal the presence of child abuse or neglect:

The Child

Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance

Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents' attention

Has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes

Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen

Lacks adult supervision

Is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn

Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, and does not want to go home

The Parent

Shows little concern for the child

Denies the existence of—or blames the child for—the child's problems in school or at home

Asks teachers or other caregivers to use harsh physical discipline if the child misbehaves

Sees the child as entirely bad, worthless, or burdensome

Demands a level of physical or academic performance the child cannot achieve

Looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of emotional needs

We all share the same passionate goal of the prevention of child abuse and neglect

:heartbeat:

 

[FrayedKnot]

I very much like the suggestion to make "alone time" with your kids.

That was a mistake I know I did make. We did lots of things together as a family, but my DD told me one day while we were having a girls' shopping day, how much she enjoyed our "just us" time. I made it a point to have those days more often!

That really hit home.
In most cases, Mom is the only parent the children have much contact with. Introducing someone new into the relationship is fine, done right. But your children need access to you without the new guy around.

Even if they aren't having issues with HIM, they may need to talk to you about other things and may not feel comfortable sharing with him around.

Either way, they need time alone with Mom!

 

[Knot4u2no]

IMO, pedophiles and psychopaths have a lot in common. Just some random points to consider:

In the beginning they:
1. Make promises to those greedy of gain.
2. Display sufferings for the compassionate.
3. Become needy for the nurturing.
4. Protect the fearful.
5. Provide stability to the unstable.
6. Become certainty for the unsure.
7. Provide relief for the suffering.
8. Create security for the insecure.
9. Offer companionship to the lonely.
10. Provide enthusiasm to the hopeless.
11. Give a sense of purpose to the lost.
12. Provide understanding to the confused.
13. Pay attention to the unappreciated.
14. Encourage the angry.
15. Listen to the misunderstood.
16. Compliment low self-esteem.

Point for point: In the end they:
1. Blackmail those greedy of gain.
2. Make the compassionate weep.
3. Drain the nurturing dry.
4. Terrorize the fearful.
5. Disillusion the unstable.
6. Add uncertainty to the unsure.
7. Punish the suffering.
8. Steal the confidence of the insecure.
9. Make desolate the lonely.
10. Add desperation to the hopeless.
11. Give dark depression to the lost.
12. Leave chaos for the confused.
13. Criticize the unappreciated.
14. Condemn the angry.
15. Mock the misunderstood.
16. Add shame to low self-esteem.

Russell

 

[Woodland]

Seems that while this list of informed advice was being written, 4 year-old Carnel Chamberlain was being abused, with his mothers knowledge, and now he is deceased.

Maybe all the lists in the world won't help as long as parents get away with - it was someone else, not me - don't blame me - don't look in my direction for why did this happen. I wasn't home, I was at work, I was shopping ... Yes I say some bruises, missing skin, but I was trying to make a man out of a 4 year-old.

Anyway, maybe the only question society can ask of single moms/dads before they bring a new person into their child's life is - are you prepared for your child to be abused and or die by bringing this new, unknown, untested person into your child's life?

 

[southernnana]

Hi Woodland, I agree with how you feel! In this case, I don't believe a list would have made any difference or been more important to the mother than the importance of keeping her "man" in her life!!!

It is sickening and disgusting!! That precious little boy did not have to die ... it could have been prevented.

:seeya:

 

[otto]

Single moms are often targeted by men that live month to month and have done little to nothing about ensuring that they have a roof over their head and a meal on the table. They view the single mom as having to provide a roof and meals for the children anyway, so what's one more person? They also don't always feel it's necessary to make a fair contribution because ... same as above. If a single mom meets a man that wants to live together, she should insist on moving into a new place together with him on the lease or land title. She should not let a man like that move in or leave his stuff lying around. It is important in a common law relationship to feel that you are both in your own home, not that he is in your home. Beware any man that wants to move to fast - it is not a good sign.

 

[otto]

IMO, pedophiles and psychopaths have a lot in common. Just some random points to consider:

In the beginning they:
1. Make promises to those greedy of gain.
2. Display sufferings for the compassionate.
3. Become needy for the nurturing.
4. Protect the fearful.
5. Provide stability to the unstable.
6. Become certainty for the unsure.
7. Provide relief for the suffering.
8. Create security for the insecure.
9. Offer companionship to the lonely.
10. Provide enthusiasm to the hopeless.
11. Give a sense of purpose to the lost.
12. Provide understanding to the confused.
13. Pay attention to the unappreciated.
14. Encourage the angry.
15. Listen to the misunderstood.
16. Compliment low self-esteem.

Point for point: In the end they:
1. Blackmail those greedy of gain.
2. Make the compassionate weep.
3. Drain the nurturing dry.
4. Terrorize the fearful.
5. Disillusion the unstable.
6. Add uncertainty to the unsure.
7. Punish the suffering.
8. Steal the confidence of the insecure.
9. Make desolate the lonely.
10. Add desperation to the hopeless.
11. Give dark depression to the lost.
12. Leave chaos for the confused.
13. Criticize the unappreciated.
14. Condemn the angry.
15. Mock the misunderstood.
16. Add shame to low self-esteem.

Russell

That seems rather bang on for the psychological abuser. Did you write that ... or where did it come from? I like it.

 

[otto]

My neice was 2 when my sis and her ex divorced. My sister NEVER brought a man home to meet my neice. As far as she knew (or needed to know ) it was just her and her mom. My neice is now going off to college a smart and beautiful young woman and my sister says she wouldn't change a thing.

I think that's a wise choice. It's a huge sacrifice, but well worth it in terms of providing a stable home for the children.

 

[SwampMama]

This is such an awesome thread and thanks to those who thought of it and created it and contributed to it. I wish this was something that every parent could be made to study and pass on to other. We see too many heartbreaking cases of child abuse, torture, sex abuse and murder by boyfriends, girlfriends and family friends.

This info is also great for any parent when it comes to family friends, coaches and anyone who has contact with your child. Many people are good hearted and have the best intentions while working with kids but sadly, pedophiles use this to their advantage (Sandusky, anyone?)

I would add that every parent needs to talk with their child ( and not just once) about the fact that they love their child no matter what and that their child is more important to them than any relationship that they may have with a friend or boyfriend if that child is uncomfortable with it. Let them know even if they did something that you told them not to do (post a pic, keep a secret, etc) that you will not be mad if they will be open with you.

Again, this is such a great thread. I wish there wasn't a need for it but sadly, there is.

Let your child know they have every right to privacy and to say no to an adult if they feel uncomfortable with that adult or if that adult wants them to keep secrets or gives them presents secretly. Let them know you will not be angry at them if they they have done something wrong that someone else is holding over their head and threatening them with.

 

[Knot4u2no]

That seems rather bang on for the psychological abuser. Did you write that ... or where did it come from? I like it.

I wrote it. Glad you like it.
Russell

 

[otto]

I wrote it. Glad you like it.
Russell

I do. I think it's something that should be added to pamphlets handed out by women's shelters to help women in abusive relationships see through the fog.

 

[Knot4u2no]

I do. I think it's something that should be added to pamphlets handed out by women's shelters to help women in abusive relationships see through the fog.

They certainly have my permission to use it.

Russell

 

[jjenny]

The obvious one-but some women still can't figure it out-if the man is beating up the kid don't leave this man to babysit this kid.

 

[Filly]

Well, I think we need a draft first for people to critique. I'll take a shot at writing one - how about you seeker? Care to write one as well?

We can pass them back and forth on pm for a couple of days or so before putting something here.

Would very much like to see southernnana's links added for searching criminal records and other cool stuff I have seen (her?) post.

Woodland, I am so sorry. I am just rechecking this thread and you had asked for suggestions and help.

Nominate me? Nothing good ever comes from nominating Filly.:hills:

Please know I follow directions well. Just let me know. Thank you for all your hard work here. You are appreciated.

 

[Woodland]

I nominate Filly to write a draft list!!!

 

[mikeysmommom]

I never dated when my kids were young.

I still feel quite strongly about this. Children do not need to be exposed to their mother's love life.

Recently Nicole Kidman's sister remarried - not so shocking - but she had 4 SMALL children (under 5).

IMO, any single mother with small children has NO TIME to meet someone, date, and remarry, if they are putting their children first...let alone the complications of expecting the kids to like the guy as much as you do.

I know loads of people will disagree with this - I just felt that I'd made the choice to have babies, and it was my number one priority to look after them...not my sex life.

IMO You did what a mother who puts their children first should do. I feel very strongly if the mother brings in a man or woman into the home and her child or children are abused or murdered then mom needs a heavy jail time.Now a days young woman having 3 babies and 3 baby daddies or more all before the age of 25,or pregnant within 2 months of meeting a man needs to be held accountable if anything happen to their child.Especially if they make them a live in within weeks.Family court does not care what kind of scum moms move in with until something happens and even then they do crap.Right now my grandson is living with a man who mommy moved them in with within weeks ,2 months later her then 2 children said he touched them within the second month she got pregnant on purpose just like she did with baby daddy 1 and 2.He has a restraining order against him by his other baby momma and her boyfriend because he threaten them and is not allowed to see his own son but family court does nothing.Oh I did call DYFS they did investiagate but it was all a joke ,they questioned kids within ear shot of her and him. I am very against how we as a society have become so pc that we do not call out THESE kinds of mothers I detest with good reason!

 

[mikeysmommom]

Problem is most of these I have to have a man cause my friends do have no common sense if they did all the kids dying everyday would not bee happening IMO.These kinds of woman like I posted about above have not an once of self respect or they would not use pregnancy like they do.Sorry to rant but this is a fear I live with each day.Family court sees more baby mama's then separated or divorced women that they think this life style is normal.

 

[Melanie]

I think that's a wise choice. It's a huge sacrifice, but well worth it in terms of providing a stable home for the children.

I agree, this is very sound advice. I have always said my son comes first before anything else. But that's easy for me to say, as me and his father have been married for 15 years, and I consider myself an obsessive helicopter mom.

I hope the single moms out there get wind of this thread (not necessarily the WS mommies). I wish there was a way to get this information far and wide.

MOO

Mel