For the hardcore who are still trying to understand May 26….what’s below is different than what I’ve posted before. This is everything JA wrote in the text. Maybe seeing just one side at a time adds perspective. Remember that the entire GChat totalled about 14-15 typewritten pages.
I put Travis’ words in parentheses here and there, to provide context when necessary.
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This is difficult. It will only piss you off even more. (referring to the second part of what she wants to tell him. He asks her to just call and tell him, but she refuses, and tells him she's writing an email).
(Why?) Because sometimes the truth sucks!
Call you?
Right now?
I’m here.
(so let’s cut the bull shiz)
OK
(am I talking to myself)
No. You are not talking to yourself.
(what is taking you so long)
I’m reading what you messaged me on FB. I didn’t know you were messaging me there.
(so are we clear)
Yes
(so tell me the truth. Tell me you are not sorry)
I can’t just say it as a blanket statement like that. It’s too convoluted. It’s not black and white.
(what is your point)
My point is all of the things you said when you were playing the tough Travis is true
(I know they are)
So there really is no point in me continuing to breath. And that’s not a poor-me cry for sympathy.
(we’ve been over this, might as well give it up. OK?)
OK.
(so are we done with the pretenses, no more faking)
Travis, in the most non-pretentious way, you are like an angel that gets snared by my evil influences. But I too, am like an angel that gets ensnared by evil influences. And along I come, looking like an angel, speaking sweetly, acting nicely, pleasing you in ways you had only fantasized, and of course it is easy to get caught up in that
(you are not sorry so quit apologizing and that way I can quit forgiving.. it will save us time and energy, deal?)
Ummmm….ok?
I just don’t want you to be miserable anymore. I only contribute to the misery factor in your life.
(just stop. I serve a purpose of yours, whatever it is, that’s fine)
Then what do you want me to say? Whatever the purpose is, I don’t understand it. I’ve tried to figure it out. It’s not marriage. It’s not sex. I’ve proven that it is not friendship.
(I thought I might break away this time but you knew I couldn’t, you knew one call and you’d reel me in)
{{{note: is Travis is referring to the May 10th call, whether it was on that date or another? }}
I don’t ever dare to hope for that (friendship) at this point. OK, maybe a spark of dare.
(I’m not saying it’s friendship. It is what it is. You are ruining my life but I’m addicted. Do what you intend to do. I’m going to quit acting tough. I’ll quit my façade now you quit with yours).
Honestly, aside from what I wanted to say, it was me that wanted to hear your voice just once. It’s like a little fix. You’re not the only one who is addicted. (she inserts, in the middle of what Travis is saying below, …”.Because I am horrible.” Travis doesn’t catch it).
(“well let’s just ruin each other’s life then. I don’t care anymore. If you want my freaking passwords just ask. Whatever you may have found it wasn’t bad enough to deter you from whatever purpose is, so who freaking cares.” I ‘m just tired of all this, it’s killing me. I tried to stay away this time.)
No. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. Bless you for your forgiveness, but you deserve better, and I don’t deserve you.
(“If all you were is positive or your good façade that is in fact an act, I’m addicted to it. But it is BS”
.
Well, there aren’t any positives left now, so you won’t be addicted much longer.
(I forgive (etc.), that’s why you don’t hesitate to keep ruining me)
I wish I were better.
I don’t want to. (get away with ruining you)
(why can’t you reward me for forgiving you)
Because there is no excuse for me to be alive.
I don’t deserve any rewards.
(I want a real answer {about why she keeps on doing things to hurt/harm him, why the lies)
I don’t have an answer. I really am awful. Truly. Can’t you agree that that’s the truest thing I’ve typed thus far?
Just because I’m not whorring around doesn’t mean I’d act different. I need to keep myself out of that situation. Which of course isn't a problem at this point.
(She is completely ignoring what Travis is saying/asking. Her whorring line comes right after he has written 19 separate lines about the cycle of harm/”tough talk/forgive/harm, ending with, “I talk tougher and still forgive. This has happened about 30 times. That’s how many times you’ve been caught.” She didn’t respond at all to any of it, just changes the subject back to sex.)
You’re the last person I’ve been intimate with. My sex drive is gone.
I haven’t dittled myself once since I moved here except for the times when we were on the phone and we did it together.
(that wasn’t a problem for you on the phone)
Of course not. That’s the affect you have. Nobody else can do that. Absolute kryptonite. I don’t want to be a *advertiser censored*. I could joke that if being a *advertiser censored* for Travis is wrong then I don’t wanna be right. But this isn’t the time for jokes. I’ve been a bad influence.
(Why did you go back into my FB) Because I suck.
(She says I suck in response to his question about FB, but notice how she immediately changes the subject and launches into the longest thing she’ll write in the chat…again about sex. And herself. )
The sexual part for me was an unevolved way of trying to be loved. I knew you weren’t in love with me. I knew you cared, but it wasn’t that kind of love. So when we made love, I was able to actually convince myself, yes lie to myself. It really felt for that space of time that it was bigger and better. But that’s the intoxication felt from sex. And you made it so good. You became another person. It’s like you nearly worshipped me. I felt soooo loved when we did that. It became absolutely addicting.
But you weren’t just a piece of meat.
(it served your purpose to be noble in the sack)
I know. The better I was, the more you wanted me, and the more you wanted me, the more we got together. I was a *advertiser censored* for you because I was a *advertiser censored* for that feeling. I was a *advertiser censored* in general and I still am.
(telling her to say she’s not sorry, etc.)
Everything I feel moved to say wouldn’t hold an ounce of weight with you. But what I was going to say is this, so I guess that means at the core I’m not sorry. But I still struggle with guilt and regret over it.
If you were here, I don’t know. But you’re not here and I’m not there, and we’re behaving ourselves. I get so caught up in wanting to do the right thing. And then when you come around I want to do a different version of the right thing and it may be a two-way street but I…never mind. We shouldn’t even be discussing this.
Part of me is glad that we did that. Is it wrong to feel that way? Don’t answer. It is.
It is a struggle inside of me. I want to take the high road, but the selfish part of me wants to take you and if you were here and the opportunity presented itself then I most likely would.
I would have been content cuddling, but I wasn’t strong enough. I was way overcome. It was wrong.
(he says he is responsible too.)
Yeah, but it was more me..
(why, then? Why try to ruin me?)
I don’t know what you mean, ruin you? It was an endless struggle. I was resentful for other thigns but I always wanted you to succeed. I haven’t deliberately set out to try and ruin you. I am so sorry for what I’ve done. Those nice things listed above don’t even begin to add up to counterbalance the horrible things I’ve done. It should have all been different. It’s my fault. I am 100% responsible for this.
(Why do you hate me? I was a good guy. Why me?)
{{Second longest reply to him. All about her.}}
There are times when you’ve screamed into the phone so loud at me that the speaker was distorted and then you hung up. The pain was so sharp and so deep that I just couldn’t process it. I could only scream in response to the air. And I would scream at the top of my lungs until my throat was raw. “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! Until I had no energy left to say it and it had wittled down to a little whimp,”…I hate you…” And I just sobbed and cried until I couldn’t breathe.
But do you know what? I deserved all that. Every angry phone call. Every unpleasant word. Doesn’t compare to what I’ve put you through. It doesn’t begin to measure up. I’ve done you more wrong and that is apparent without even keeping score.
(You only showed me hate. “What you did wasn’t trying to love. It was succeeding to hate.”
I did try but I didn’t try hard enough.
(Tell me the truth.)
Yes, I just became so resentful, It was all very selfish. An act to try to protect myself from the pain, but it didn’t work. I didn’t want to hurt you either. I am so sorry.
If it was unconditional love, it would never have hurt you. I’m just not worth it. I’m not. You have so many bright and wonderful things on your horizon.
I’m sorry Travis
(I have sacrificed so much for you, and “you just tried to murder me from the inside out”
It wasn’t really my intention to harm you. Please understand that.
I really did love you. But I let it get so distorted. I’m so so so sorry. I have no excuse. None. I just wish you weren’t hurting right now.
(I am s-it to you).
I wish that’s all you were to me. I try to tell myself that every day. That you mean NOTHING. And every time that feeling starts to creep back in I suppress it and tell myself that you were worthless to me. I’m so sorry. I really am. You deserve so much more than the crap I’ve given you. You deserve a wealth that is beyond this world. And I deserve a pile of s-it for what I’ve done to my friend.
I don’t want to care about you. I don’t want to care about you at all. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t hurt and you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.
(this is what Travis said just before what she writes below, denying slashing his tires:
“just quit lying. Quit. Can’t u quit. All u have ever done is lie. You have only told partial truths to cover up lies don’t you see. U are why your life sucks. Its ur lies. Just tell the truth. Write something you stupid idiot. Wow.)
I may be a liar, I may be a *advertiser censored*, I may be evil, I may be a coward. I may not be worth the air that I breathe, I am most likely the most horrible person you’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing, but one thing I am NOT is violent. I did not and would not and would never have slashed your tires. Nor did I have anything to do with that. I didn’t and wouldn’t.
(how can you be the way you’ve been to me)
I don’t have an answer. I don’t know why. I hurt too. I guess maybe it was just my way of trying to renounce you. I acted immature. I acted stupid. I shouldn’t have gone about it that way. What can I really say though? “I agree?”
(where is the email)
Well it would have been done sooner but I was watching you type.
(I know you got into my computer and erased a letter I sent to Lisa)
What?!!
I can’t send the email. It’s not letting me put your address in the address bar. OK, I figured it out.
(who freaking cares about you).
I’m a full time bartender now in a Mexican restaurant.
(Not sure why either of them is referring to a sob story. They’re on GChat. Is it possible Travis could see part of the email on her screen before she finished it?)
It’s not a sob story.
(BJ’s for tips)
Yeah, according to what you’ve said I’d have that car paid off in one shift with vacation money to spare. Maybe I can use you as a reference.
(…you send some bulls-it thing down the pipe as you log onto FB)
What does that mean???
(Yr parents must be proud of you).
They’re not proud of me. They didn’t even come to watch me sing even though the rest of my family did. Not that you care, but that’s just to illustrate how much they’re not proud.
(u are evil, nothing but a liar from the beginning, etc.)
Look, I don’t want to be like this.
(You are like this)
I know.
(send yr piece of s-it lie fest, we already know.. its BS. I have never dealt with a more solid form of evil…..etc.)
I don’t know what to do. I really am sorry for everything. I know you don’t want apologies. I don’t know what to say.
(“ What I want is for you to quit blatantly lying”
Can I just send the email? It’s almost finished.
(Pure freaking s-it. Yr email is s-it too).
One day it will be clear.
(I hate you).
I’ve acted so wrong.
(I hate you).
I am so, so sorry. If anyone should it is me. You are light unto this world. I can’t even compare.
(“Shut up. Just shut up.” This is what comes right before her comments about Danny Jones. Maybe out of order, somehow? Because the chat ends a few lines later with TA saying “and by the way your little comment to Danny Jones makes you look like a cheap *advertiser censored*.)
Only you would say that. Anyone else would see it for what it is: an Anchorman joke. I was just giving him a hard time for showing off and being such a ham. You and I had a conversation about his FB pics and their content. I was just razzing him.
(He is an easy target, etc.)
His temperature is cold when it comes to that. I tried having a conversation with him, and he was cordial, but never flirty or anything like it.
(so you have checked it then, what a freaking *advertiser censored*. U r too much).
Like you, I flirt because it’s “harmless”, “means nothing” and there are “no intentions” behind it.
(Don’t ignore me) I’m emailing you!
(you don’t know how to tell the truth.”
OK, Travis. What do you want me to do?
I put Travis’ words in parentheses here and there, to provide context when necessary.
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This is difficult. It will only piss you off even more. (referring to the second part of what she wants to tell him. He asks her to just call and tell him, but she refuses, and tells him she's writing an email).
(Why?) Because sometimes the truth sucks!
Call you?
Right now?
I’m here.
(so let’s cut the bull shiz)
OK
(am I talking to myself)
No. You are not talking to yourself.
(what is taking you so long)
I’m reading what you messaged me on FB. I didn’t know you were messaging me there.
(so are we clear)
Yes
(so tell me the truth. Tell me you are not sorry)
I can’t just say it as a blanket statement like that. It’s too convoluted. It’s not black and white.
(what is your point)
My point is all of the things you said when you were playing the tough Travis is true
(I know they are)
So there really is no point in me continuing to breath. And that’s not a poor-me cry for sympathy.
(we’ve been over this, might as well give it up. OK?)
OK.
(so are we done with the pretenses, no more faking)
Travis, in the most non-pretentious way, you are like an angel that gets snared by my evil influences. But I too, am like an angel that gets ensnared by evil influences. And along I come, looking like an angel, speaking sweetly, acting nicely, pleasing you in ways you had only fantasized, and of course it is easy to get caught up in that
(you are not sorry so quit apologizing and that way I can quit forgiving.. it will save us time and energy, deal?)
Ummmm….ok?
I just don’t want you to be miserable anymore. I only contribute to the misery factor in your life.
(just stop. I serve a purpose of yours, whatever it is, that’s fine)
Then what do you want me to say? Whatever the purpose is, I don’t understand it. I’ve tried to figure it out. It’s not marriage. It’s not sex. I’ve proven that it is not friendship.
(I thought I might break away this time but you knew I couldn’t, you knew one call and you’d reel me in)
{{{note: is Travis is referring to the May 10th call, whether it was on that date or another? }}
I don’t ever dare to hope for that (friendship) at this point. OK, maybe a spark of dare.
(I’m not saying it’s friendship. It is what it is. You are ruining my life but I’m addicted. Do what you intend to do. I’m going to quit acting tough. I’ll quit my façade now you quit with yours).
Honestly, aside from what I wanted to say, it was me that wanted to hear your voice just once. It’s like a little fix. You’re not the only one who is addicted. (she inserts, in the middle of what Travis is saying below, …”.Because I am horrible.” Travis doesn’t catch it).
(“well let’s just ruin each other’s life then. I don’t care anymore. If you want my freaking passwords just ask. Whatever you may have found it wasn’t bad enough to deter you from whatever purpose is, so who freaking cares.” I ‘m just tired of all this, it’s killing me. I tried to stay away this time.)
No. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. Bless you for your forgiveness, but you deserve better, and I don’t deserve you.
(“If all you were is positive or your good façade that is in fact an act, I’m addicted to it. But it is BS”
.Well, there aren’t any positives left now, so you won’t be addicted much longer.
(I forgive (etc.), that’s why you don’t hesitate to keep ruining me)
I wish I were better.
I don’t want to. (get away with ruining you)
(why can’t you reward me for forgiving you)
Because there is no excuse for me to be alive.
I don’t deserve any rewards.
(I want a real answer {about why she keeps on doing things to hurt/harm him, why the lies)
I don’t have an answer. I really am awful. Truly. Can’t you agree that that’s the truest thing I’ve typed thus far?
Just because I’m not whorring around doesn’t mean I’d act different. I need to keep myself out of that situation. Which of course isn't a problem at this point.
(She is completely ignoring what Travis is saying/asking. Her whorring line comes right after he has written 19 separate lines about the cycle of harm/”tough talk/forgive/harm, ending with, “I talk tougher and still forgive. This has happened about 30 times. That’s how many times you’ve been caught.” She didn’t respond at all to any of it, just changes the subject back to sex.)
You’re the last person I’ve been intimate with. My sex drive is gone.
I haven’t dittled myself once since I moved here except for the times when we were on the phone and we did it together.
(that wasn’t a problem for you on the phone)
Of course not. That’s the affect you have. Nobody else can do that. Absolute kryptonite. I don’t want to be a *advertiser censored*. I could joke that if being a *advertiser censored* for Travis is wrong then I don’t wanna be right. But this isn’t the time for jokes. I’ve been a bad influence.
(Why did you go back into my FB) Because I suck.
(She says I suck in response to his question about FB, but notice how she immediately changes the subject and launches into the longest thing she’ll write in the chat…again about sex. And herself. )
The sexual part for me was an unevolved way of trying to be loved. I knew you weren’t in love with me. I knew you cared, but it wasn’t that kind of love. So when we made love, I was able to actually convince myself, yes lie to myself. It really felt for that space of time that it was bigger and better. But that’s the intoxication felt from sex. And you made it so good. You became another person. It’s like you nearly worshipped me. I felt soooo loved when we did that. It became absolutely addicting.
But you weren’t just a piece of meat.
(it served your purpose to be noble in the sack)
I know. The better I was, the more you wanted me, and the more you wanted me, the more we got together. I was a *advertiser censored* for you because I was a *advertiser censored* for that feeling. I was a *advertiser censored* in general and I still am.
(telling her to say she’s not sorry, etc.)
Everything I feel moved to say wouldn’t hold an ounce of weight with you. But what I was going to say is this, so I guess that means at the core I’m not sorry. But I still struggle with guilt and regret over it.
If you were here, I don’t know. But you’re not here and I’m not there, and we’re behaving ourselves. I get so caught up in wanting to do the right thing. And then when you come around I want to do a different version of the right thing and it may be a two-way street but I…never mind. We shouldn’t even be discussing this.
Part of me is glad that we did that. Is it wrong to feel that way? Don’t answer. It is.
It is a struggle inside of me. I want to take the high road, but the selfish part of me wants to take you and if you were here and the opportunity presented itself then I most likely would.
I would have been content cuddling, but I wasn’t strong enough. I was way overcome. It was wrong.
(he says he is responsible too.)
Yeah, but it was more me..
(why, then? Why try to ruin me?)
I don’t know what you mean, ruin you? It was an endless struggle. I was resentful for other thigns but I always wanted you to succeed. I haven’t deliberately set out to try and ruin you. I am so sorry for what I’ve done. Those nice things listed above don’t even begin to add up to counterbalance the horrible things I’ve done. It should have all been different. It’s my fault. I am 100% responsible for this.
(Why do you hate me? I was a good guy. Why me?)
{{Second longest reply to him. All about her.}}
There are times when you’ve screamed into the phone so loud at me that the speaker was distorted and then you hung up. The pain was so sharp and so deep that I just couldn’t process it. I could only scream in response to the air. And I would scream at the top of my lungs until my throat was raw. “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! Until I had no energy left to say it and it had wittled down to a little whimp,”…I hate you…” And I just sobbed and cried until I couldn’t breathe.
But do you know what? I deserved all that. Every angry phone call. Every unpleasant word. Doesn’t compare to what I’ve put you through. It doesn’t begin to measure up. I’ve done you more wrong and that is apparent without even keeping score.
(You only showed me hate. “What you did wasn’t trying to love. It was succeeding to hate.”
I did try but I didn’t try hard enough.
(Tell me the truth.)
Yes, I just became so resentful, It was all very selfish. An act to try to protect myself from the pain, but it didn’t work. I didn’t want to hurt you either. I am so sorry.
If it was unconditional love, it would never have hurt you. I’m just not worth it. I’m not. You have so many bright and wonderful things on your horizon.
I’m sorry Travis
(I have sacrificed so much for you, and “you just tried to murder me from the inside out”
It wasn’t really my intention to harm you. Please understand that.
I really did love you. But I let it get so distorted. I’m so so so sorry. I have no excuse. None. I just wish you weren’t hurting right now.
(I am s-it to you).
I wish that’s all you were to me. I try to tell myself that every day. That you mean NOTHING. And every time that feeling starts to creep back in I suppress it and tell myself that you were worthless to me. I’m so sorry. I really am. You deserve so much more than the crap I’ve given you. You deserve a wealth that is beyond this world. And I deserve a pile of s-it for what I’ve done to my friend.
I don’t want to care about you. I don’t want to care about you at all. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t hurt and you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.
(this is what Travis said just before what she writes below, denying slashing his tires:
“just quit lying. Quit. Can’t u quit. All u have ever done is lie. You have only told partial truths to cover up lies don’t you see. U are why your life sucks. Its ur lies. Just tell the truth. Write something you stupid idiot. Wow.)
I may be a liar, I may be a *advertiser censored*, I may be evil, I may be a coward. I may not be worth the air that I breathe, I am most likely the most horrible person you’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing, but one thing I am NOT is violent. I did not and would not and would never have slashed your tires. Nor did I have anything to do with that. I didn’t and wouldn’t.
(how can you be the way you’ve been to me)
I don’t have an answer. I don’t know why. I hurt too. I guess maybe it was just my way of trying to renounce you. I acted immature. I acted stupid. I shouldn’t have gone about it that way. What can I really say though? “I agree?”
(where is the email)
Well it would have been done sooner but I was watching you type.
(I know you got into my computer and erased a letter I sent to Lisa)
What?!!
I can’t send the email. It’s not letting me put your address in the address bar. OK, I figured it out.
(who freaking cares about you).
I’m a full time bartender now in a Mexican restaurant.
(Not sure why either of them is referring to a sob story. They’re on GChat. Is it possible Travis could see part of the email on her screen before she finished it?)
It’s not a sob story.
(BJ’s for tips)
Yeah, according to what you’ve said I’d have that car paid off in one shift with vacation money to spare. Maybe I can use you as a reference.
(…you send some bulls-it thing down the pipe as you log onto FB)
What does that mean???
(Yr parents must be proud of you).
They’re not proud of me. They didn’t even come to watch me sing even though the rest of my family did. Not that you care, but that’s just to illustrate how much they’re not proud.
(u are evil, nothing but a liar from the beginning, etc.)
Look, I don’t want to be like this.
(You are like this)
I know.
(send yr piece of s-it lie fest, we already know.. its BS. I have never dealt with a more solid form of evil…..etc.)
I don’t know what to do. I really am sorry for everything. I know you don’t want apologies. I don’t know what to say.
(“ What I want is for you to quit blatantly lying”
Can I just send the email? It’s almost finished.
(Pure freaking s-it. Yr email is s-it too).
One day it will be clear.
(I hate you).
I’ve acted so wrong.
(I hate you).
I am so, so sorry. If anyone should it is me. You are light unto this world. I can’t even compare.
(“Shut up. Just shut up.” This is what comes right before her comments about Danny Jones. Maybe out of order, somehow? Because the chat ends a few lines later with TA saying “and by the way your little comment to Danny Jones makes you look like a cheap *advertiser censored*.)
Only you would say that. Anyone else would see it for what it is: an Anchorman joke. I was just giving him a hard time for showing off and being such a ham. You and I had a conversation about his FB pics and their content. I was just razzing him.
(He is an easy target, etc.)
His temperature is cold when it comes to that. I tried having a conversation with him, and he was cordial, but never flirty or anything like it.
(so you have checked it then, what a freaking *advertiser censored*. U r too much).
Like you, I flirt because it’s “harmless”, “means nothing” and there are “no intentions” behind it.
(Don’t ignore me) I’m emailing you!
(you don’t know how to tell the truth.”
OK, Travis. What do you want me to do?
