Adult Children Abandoning Parents at Hotels

LAKE MARY, Fla. -- Investigators in Seminole County say they've discovered a bizarre problem: adult children are dropping off their elderly parents at hotels and motels, and abandoning them.

http://www.wftv.com/news/24694944/detail.html?cxntlid=cmg_cntnt_rss

Words fail me...

From the article:
"But, Officer Hudson told WFTV, when parents are left at the hotels to fend for themselves no crime has been committed."

Well, perhaps they SHOULD make it a crime! Jeesh! What is wrong with these "kids"?!?!

I can tell you, I'd DIE before I treated my Dad in such a manner. I lost my Mom years ago and he's all I have left. I'd go on welfare, steal, cheat and con before I abandoned him.

horrible!

I'm with you MagicRose99; my father-in-law lives with us and I can't imagine abandoning him or my parents.

We are living the old fashioned way: Great grandma, grandma, and great grand child. Interesting lifestyle, but hard to get use too.

Beyond Belief said:

We are living the old fashioned way: Great grandma, grandma, and great grand child. Interesting lifestyle, but hard to get use too.

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Ditto, BB. Well at one time we were. It's got it's good and bad points.

One holiday I had my mom in the ER. Easter it was. It was packed. With elderly people. I heard one nurse tell the other that yepper it was the usual. They just drop them off here so they can eat in peace and come back for them later.

How sad is that?

Whoa on another note I was just thinking. My DD would have absolutely no problem abandoning me when I am elderly. Heck, she'd walk over me right now if I was hurt laying on a sidewalk. "Oh sorry, Ma, but I'm meeting my boyfriend. You'll be fine". Some people I swear have a lack of compassion.

I know my daughter will always be there for me. I have a lot of health problems and she is already my greatest protector. She always makes sure I have what I need. She doesn't allow me to go to the store alone, because she knows it is too hard for me. She insists on going with me, pushing the cart, then she unloads everything and does the check out while I sit in the car. She loads the car and then brings everything in the house. We went through hell with her growing up, but she has become such a wonderful young lady that I am so very proud of.

A funny story - When she was around 12 I had to go to see a psychiatrist for some Social Security thing. I was super stressed as I have difficulty driving places I don't know. Anyway, for whatever reason, I got in there and ended up sitting there sobbing hysterically for the whole appointment. How embarrassing. I don't even know why. I came out of the office still crying and my DD stood up and looked at me and looked at the doctor and it was clear she was going to deck him. I had to assure her that he didn't do anything to cause my condition. In hindsight it was pretty funny. But she was seriously ticked.

fhc said:

LAKE MARY, Fla. -- Investigators in Seminole County say they've discovered a bizarre problem: adult children are dropping off their elderly parents at hotels and motels, and abandoning them.

http://www.wftv.com/news/24694944/detail.html?cxntlid=cmg_cntnt_rss

Words fail me...

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Obviously, you've never met my mother or my father.

I'm kidding, of course, but only half-kidding.

I've seen my father a couple of times in 40 years (and only once or twice a year before that). I have no idea where he is or what I would do if he showed up at my door in need. I'm sure I'd try to help in the short run, but as for saying "Move on in, Dad, and I'll take care of you in your final years," I don't think so. He certainly never felt obligated to help any of his four children when we needed him.

Fortunately, my habitually nasty and dishonest mother was a state worker and has a pension plus life-long health insurance that allows her to live in a retirement home. I have helped her during a few financial emergencies (because she had squandered her pension money), but every penny I spend on her comes out of my own retirement funds and those of my husband, thus increasing the potential burden on our children (whom my mother doesn't recognize because they are my stepchildren). If Mother were indigent and deposited on my doorstep, I wouldn't harm her, but I think I'd seriously consider suicide.

So my point is that while I deplore abandoning the elderly, there may be more to these stories than meets the eye. It's also my understanding that public services for the elderly have been drastically cut, just as services for the poor and mentally ill.

(BTW, lest this post seem a tale of woe, I should add that I had four wonderful grandparents; I have lovely aunts, a devoted husband of 30+ years, wonderful children and perfect grandchildren. Plus a couple of teachers who dared to "get involved" when I was a desperate teen and remain lifelong friends. And also a number of close friends whom I include in my "true" family.

So no tragedy here, but I don't get all mushy at the thought of Mom and Dad.)

Yes, I agree and hereby nominate this post as TMI post for the month!

My mother is also a very nasty piece of work and I know that I could not stand to have her living in my house. I would make arrangements for her care, but it wouldn't be here. OTOH, if my mother-in-law had required such care, I would have gone to the very ends of the earth to take care of her. Nothing would have ever been too much.

However, I could never, under any circumstances, drop my mother off at a hotel and abandon her. It is wrong. No matter how bad of a parent they were, we have a moral obligation to ensure they are cared for. JMHO.

Belinda said:

My mother is also a very nasty piece of work and I know that I could not stand to have her living in my house. I would make arrangements for her care, but it wouldn't be here. OTOH, if my mother-in-law had required such care, I would have gone to the very ends of the earth to take care of her. Nothing would have ever been too much.

However, I could never, under any circumstances, drop my mother off at a hotel and abandon her. It is wrong. No matter how bad of a parent they were, we have a moral obligation to ensure they are cared for. JMHO.

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Belinda, I hope it was clear I wasn't endorsing the abandonment of the elderly.

But what if you didn't have the funds to arrange for your mother's care anywhere but in your home? (I'm not playing "gotcha" and I realize you might not have an answer to this question right now; I know I don't.)

I think our moral obligation to our parents is qualified by the amount of parenting they actually performed. I'm not terribly moved by the mere contribution of DNA.

A few days prior to a holiday, including Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas, we always have a surge in our frequent flyers. They are either left a few days before or shortly thereafter.

Some families need a break, literally, they admit this to our Doctors. Problem is, that our staffing is considerably compromised. If we have one or more elderly, patients, who can not get out of bed safely, are senile, or have dementia, we have to prevent them from falling or wandering into other patients rooms, or off the floor. We either have to restrain them physically, or put any aides we have as sitters at their bedsides. That means everyones care is affected. People who are post op have to wait longer for help going to the restroom. People who have pain, must wait for pain medication longer. People who want fresh water or a snack, you guessed it, must wait longer.

It also affects the amount of time I have at each patients bedside to provide education, information about procedures or just provide emotional support.

I unfortunately can not be everywhere at once, when I have 6 patients and no aide. I always tell every patient at the beginning of the shift, that I will be there as soon as possible if they need something, but that if I am in another patients room, that it may take a few minutes. I also tell them that if they wait 10 minutes, to call again, in case the ward clerk or charge nurse forgot to tell me.

Believe it or not, the largest upsurge of patients are from long term care facilities, rest homes, who are short staffed for the holidays. Patient dumping, pure and simple. They can not use restraints, so send us patients who need extra care, due to poor staffing. This occurs regularly during holiday periods. They send us alzheimers patients or severe dementia patients, who are admitted with "altered mental status", umm sure, what is their baseline?

The entire situation is difficult and will unfortunately increase as our population ages and acquires more health problems. Also, most families are either single adults, or two working adults. How can they care for elderly parents? Sad, scary and a problem that will increase unfortunately.

Good points Nova. I honestly have no idea what I would do. I haven't laid eyes on the woman in around 3 years. I finally had to cut off all contact because she was just so poisonous. This really has made me begin to think of this issue more. I know she has good insurance through her police retirement. I can only hope that would cover enough. I am certainly not financially able to pay for it. Hopefully, my brother will step up to the plate for once in his life. I have removed myself from her life and she has cut me out of her will and I can only hope it will stay that way. I played the good daughter for so many years and always got kicked in the teeth for it.

No, I didn't think you were advocating for the abandoment of the elderly, Nova. I just have always had an over-developed sense of moral obligation. The hotel thing just bothers me so much. We have no idea what the story is behind these drop-offs, it just feels wrong.

Excellent post, Sunnie. It takes a very special person to be a nurse. That was such an interesting overview of the problem.

Belinda said:

Excellent post, Sunnie. It takes a very special person to be a nurse. That was such an interesting overview of the problem.

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Worth repeating... Indeed, Sunnie, thanks for the view from a truly informed person.

Belinda said:

...I just have always had an over-developed sense of moral obligation. The hotel thing just bothers me so much. We have no idea what the story is behind these drop-offs, it just feels wrong.

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I don't believe there is any such thing as an "over-developed sense of moral obligation" and I hope you didn't think you needed to qualify your remarks.

Despite those who scoff, I think true morality is not a set of iron-clad rules, but a constant negotiation between competing benefits and harms (with, it is to be hoped, a striving for the former). So maybe one can have an "overly mechanical sense of moral obligation," but I don't think that's true in your case.

The last time my mother called in a panic about money (her pension plus social security were more than my salary, BTW), I told her I would send her the money, but that I couldn't afford to just make it a gift, she would have to pay it back, as she could, with no interest. Asking family to repay money is a big "no, no" in my family, but I thought that was a fair moral compromise.

To her credit, she did repay the money and in a reasonable amount of time (although I never mentioned it again). She also hasn't asked again, so that's been a bonus. LOL.

I'm just praying her insurance will cover the additional cost when they have to move her into a lockdown ward (she has Alzheimer's), because I have no idea what we'll do if it doesn't.

I agree with the nurse who posted above, that we as a society have a crisis looming. And cutting Social Security to pay for tax cuts for the rich ain't gonna solve it!

Nova - I am continually struck by how wise you are. Seriously. I enjoy your posts very much and they always give me so much food for thought. I have been learning a great deal from you and I wanted you to know that I appreciate it.

omg! How low! How does one face themselves after abandoning their parents? I would end up killing myself if I bailed on my mother.

Though I have told my son I don't want him "taking me in" when I get old. Taking care of my inlaws and my mother have taught me that while I am doing the right thing- I find myself wanting to pull my hair out of my head 10 times before 11 am. I sometimes fear by the time they die I might hate them. I know in my logical mind that I won't (they are my family and I love them but sometimes, ya know?) but to fear it is enough. I feel we owe our parents- I wish I didn't because a child doesn't owe their parent their entire lifetime. I want my son to know that cuz I can't stand the thought of him feeling about me what I feel for them when I'm old. I want us to remain friendly.. I don't want to make him want to poke his eyes out of his head lol.

Nova said:

Obviously, you've never met my mother or my father.

I'm kidding, of course, but only half-kidding.

I've seen my father a couple of times in 40 years (and only once or twice a year before that). I have no idea where he is or what I would do if he showed up at my door in need. I'm sure I'd try to help in the short run, but as for saying "Move on in, Dad, and I'll take care of you in your final years," I don't think so. He certainly never felt obligated to help any of his four children when we needed him.

Fortunately, my habitually nasty and dishonest mother was a state worker and has a pension plus life-long health insurance that allows her to live in a retirement home. I have helped her during a few financial emergencies (because she had squandered her pension money), but every penny I spend on her comes out of my own retirement funds and those of my husband, thus increasing the potential burden on our children (whom my mother doesn't recognize because they are my stepchildren). If Mother were indigent and deposited on my doorstep, I wouln't harm her, but I think I'd seriously consider suicide.

So my point is that while I deplore abandoning the elderly, there may be more to these stories than meets the eye. It's also my understanding that public services for the elderly have been drastically cut, just as services for the poor and mentally ill.

(BTW, lest this post seem a tale of woe, I should add that I had four wonderful grandparents; I have lovely aunts, a devoted husband of 30+ years, wonderful children and perfect grandchildren. Plus a couple of teachers who dared to "get involved" when I was a desperate teen and remain lifelong friends. And also a number of close friends whom I include in my "true" family.

So no tragedy here, but I don't get all mushy at the thought of Mom and Dad.)

Yes, I agree and hereby nominate this post as TMI post for the month!

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But you wouldn't send her away?

Mine came to live with me when her husband finally smoked all her money into his crack pipe, crashed her car and then killed himself (thus, her losing his social security check $) I mean who could turn their mom away??

I took care of my Mother until she died and while it was not always easy, it was not a burden. I loved her. I know it isn't that simple, but we actually had a lot of fun together during those years.

Belinda said:

My mother is also a very nasty piece of work and I know that I could not stand to have her living in my house. I would make arrangements for her care, but it wouldn't be here. OTOH, if my mother-in-law had required such care, I would have gone to the very ends of the earth to take care of her. Nothing would have ever been too much.

However, I could never, under any circumstances, drop my mother off at a hotel and abandon her. It is wrong. No matter how bad of a parent they were, we have a moral obligation to ensure they are cared for. JMHO.

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My parents are quite "different" as well however I feel the same way...........I could never abandon my parents at a hotel or motel.........I couldn't do that to a stray animal or homeless person either though..............

OMG! I'm in a hotel room with my son right this minute as I am reading this!! (I really am.) He'd better not say he's leaving "to buy a soda."

Seriously, though, neither of my parents would be pleasant to have around the home, but I couldn't afford to pay for long-term care. So if it came to it, I'd bite the bullet. I think it's part of being a member of a family to go through some periods of being in a tiring, thankless, resentment-fueling situation, sort of "the human condition" I guess.

I have no idea what I would do if my parents had been neglectful of me, though. I'm sort of an eye-for-an-eye girl and it would be very hard, if not impossible, for me to give up so much of my life for someone who wouldn't do the same for me.

ETA My mother just spent $18,000 for chemotherapy for one of her cats, and I have been very adamant to her that, if I ever ended up with her and the other two cats, there would be no expensive long-term feline treatments included. I'm pretty sure this guarantees she'll move in with my sister instead.