The Story of Bill Zeller: The End Result of Pedophilia in One Man's Life

I have searched and could not find this. I've never started thread and didn't know where this should be placed. This is an important heart-wrenching story that needs to be shared. Please read the letter (it has some bad language)...but it paints a picture

(CBS) A bright, seemingly ambitious Princeton graduate student, Bill Zeller, was known for being a brilliant computer programmer, talented chef, devoted Red Sox fan, and loyal and caring friend, according to The Daily Princetonian. But little did his friends and colleagues know, Zeller carried a secret for most of his life that haunted him to the point of suicide.

A 4,000 word suicide note detailed Zeller's reason for attempting to take his own life last weekend: a victim of repeated, brutal childhood rape, The 27-year-old could no longer cope with the psychological scars the attacks left imprinted in his mind.

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http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20027870-10391704.html

ty alsmom for this story. I hope you don't mind but I have carried a link over to the Victors not Victims thread to remind us all that not all victims of rape, childhood trauma are women and that not all come out of the experience victorious.

Such a sad sad thing. This young man had so very much going for him but the torment made it all too unbearable. Such a waste of a bright young future.

http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/2011/01/07/27306/

The story in the princetonian on Bill.

He left behind a 4,000-word suicide note, which began: “I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I’ll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision.” In the note, Zeller described how repeated sexual abuse as a young child haunted him for the rest of his life, causing regular nightmares and limiting his ability to connect with others.

“One of the hardest parts for me to read in all that was the fact that he didn’t seem to see himself as being a good person. He just went out of his way so many times for me that there’s no way you could have faked what he was doing or who he was,” said Joe Calandrino GS, a close friend who worked with Zeller on a number of computer science projects. “He showed a level of caring that I don’t think I see out of most people. And I don’t know how he could have even achieved that.”

http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/2011/01/07/27306/

I have just read the letter in its entirety. I feel so badly for this young man. He describes a lifetime of never feeling normal or able to connect with another human being on a level he so badly wanted to achieve.

Awful. I wish he had at least named his abuser. I wish he'd had at least the strength to do that.

He was so tormented. I pray he's at peace now.

tlcox said:

I have just read the letter in its entirety. I feel so badly for this young man. He describes a lifetime of never feeling normal or able to connect with another human being on a level he so badly wanted to achieve.

Awful. I wish he had at least named his abuser. I wish he'd had at least the strength to do that.

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Am dumbfounded as to why he didn't name the individual(s) as it would have been a legacy that could have made a difference. Someone told me years ago suicide is the ultimate 'guilt' trip for the surviving friends and family. It's truly 'our' loss that he chose this path to end his pain. The picture he paints of his family is a painful one.

The fact that it started in very early childhood and was repeated suggests it was someone who had ready access to him. I am sure many who are familiar with the family and its close associates will have their suspicions as to who the perpetrator was but it is sad to me that he couldn't reclaim control through naming his abuser and seeking to make sure others weren't subjected to what horrors he had been. He just didn't have the strength.

RIP

Bill.

My heart just breaks for Bill. How I hope he's finally found peace. I can't judge his actions as I know how deep the pain must have been. This story hits very very close to home for me as six of my children who were raped are male (2 are female) and it has only been the males who have attempted suicide. We've weathered somewhere around 30 serious attempts. I can attest to the almost non-stop nightmares, flashbacks, fear of intimacy, confusion about sexual orientation and the PTSD. My boys suffered so greatly and still do. They are now all in their 20s and the pain, shame, and constant fear of running into their rapist hasn't lessoned a bit.

There's a wonderful resource which I wish could be posted in every single men's restroom and barber shop in the country. It's chock full of wonderful info for male survivors and the people who love them. I can't recommend it highly enough:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/

Also a well-reviewed documentary:

http://www.bigvoicepictures.com/boys-and-men-healing/

What a tragic story. I wish Bill could have gotten the help he so desperately needed. I also wish he would have either named his abuser in his last words or sent LE the information seperately. God only knows how many more victims there may be - past, present or future.