ITA that we are in murky waters here. NMK, you make an excellent point in that everything you/we say is up for debate and examined under a close lens.
I don't have a TV so have never watched Oprah (I know, how un-American of me) but another WSer encouraged me to watch the show on a small screen on the internet. That works with my disability and I was very motivated to watch the "Conversation with Molesters" show. All in all, I think Oprah pulled off a very informative interview. It's a great debate starter and I've asked all my adult kids to watch it and discuss it.
The reason I bring this up right now is that Oprah brought up the issue of how "a really good molester will make sure that it doesn't hurt". I know that this comment sets off a lot of people--both survivors and observers--as they think how could it not hurt? How can survivors be yelling and screaming about pain and shame and life-long agony....if it doesn't even hurt? Talk about playing right into the hands of the pedophiles and rapists.
Child sex abuse is similar to many hot-ticket subjects. We fight so hard to be heard and to educate and we fighters are terrified of losing ground. What if the word gets out that sometimes sex abuse doesn't hurt? We'd be sunk, we think.
Well that's not correct.....at all. Sex abuse can hurt terribly or it can feel incredibly pleasant (at the time). We're talking about human anatomy and sensory reaction, often senses we can't completely control. The line is crossed when a person breaks a law set up by our democratic society. We've decided where the age of consent marker is set. Before that point, everything....absolutely everything is illegal. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's a messy prospect, making rules about human bodies, but a necessary one.
For those who are unfortunate enough to be targeted for sex abuse, there is a vast array of responses. Sometimes, the abuse is almost benign as in secret peeping. It moves past there to stroking and fondling. These actions are typically the same that we would see used with a pet or an infant and which are read by the human body as pleasurable--even if they sickly arouse the abuser. There can even be penetration without causing horrible pain if the molester is "good", as Oprah points out. Then, of course, we have pain and/or rape and there the line is more easily defined, by even an observer.
What isn't as easy to define is the psychological pain and shame. That can often take years, or even decades, to seep through the consciousness, after silently coloring the victim's life. There is self-doubt, deep shame, embarrassment, guilt that the person has somehow invited the contact, confusion over alliances, shock that we've not been protected/failed to protect. These scars, I'm afraid don't fade as readily as the bruises and physical manifestations of abuse. They linger and often fester.
I have had personal experience with children who've been physically hurt during abuse. They've suffered at the time and later from severe PTSD as they struggled to feel safe in this world. I've watched as one chose the field of law enforcement and not been surprised. That young adult has a great need to set things right, to gently protect, and to give others a sense of safety.
I've had the personal experience with others who were physically hurt who've gone on to physically hurt others. I feel, to some degree that they are lost. I might be wrong but I have very little hope. They seem without conscience and don't make the connection with their pain and the pain they inflict on others.
I've also had personal experience with children who were enticed to "play along", who might have been uncomfortable, but who were not greatly physically hurt. These children do not have the insight to look back and analyze their abuse. I believe they look upon what happened to them as consensual and embarrassing. They have no concept that they didn't have the ability to consent as they were only seven or eight years old. They, mercifully, have moved on as they have a very concrete view of life and bundle the sexual abuse up with other "small infractions" of childhood--sneaking cookies, painting the dog, or being caught pouring milk on themselves in the shower.
My point is that each abuse, each human, each memory bank, each life view is unique. We set the rules to delineate who breaks the law. But there is no one to set the "law" on how an abused child or a rape victim might respond...what their inner or physical pain might be...nor how long that pain will linger.
The crime of sexual abuse is an aberration regardless of the these issues. No abuser can truly gauge the harm he or she is inflicting. That is the purpose of the law.
