So I want to say upfront that IF the Harts knew of what Im going to say, it seems more likely to me that they would use it to cover their tears than using it wholeheartedly for the best interests of the children.
1) many times kids from hard places are a bit behind socially, even developmentally. So the 10yo seems 6 or the 19yo seems 14. So it may be that kids werent dating, going to college, driving, etc simply because they werent ready yet.
2) many times kids from hard places need rules that seem odd to the average person. Their intimacy with others, their relationship with food, etc can all be skewed so rules keep them safe and keep healthy boundaries until the child shows they can follow normal patterns of behavior in their own.
3) many times, it is encouraged to parents of kids from hard places to keep their world small. Homeschooling, limited friendships, not doing certain activities all help kids develop healthy familiar relationships, keep anxiety lower, help minimize behaviors, etc.
4) there are studies that show family socialization to be what really shapes a person socially. You have healthy role models from your parents and older siblings. You teach younger siblings. You have your best friends often within a family. Of course, its not the ONLY socialization suggested. Normally, people would have people they did things with, hung around at least semi-regularly, could go to when they need help, etc. But generally, school type socialization isnt real world nor the healthiest version.
5) discipline for kids from hard places looks different. Sometimes it may appear we are too lenient or making excuses. Sometimes people wonder why we put up with certain things. But many times, we are ultra consistent, have clearly drawn lines, and hope the child feels more secure with knowing the boundaries. And if those boundaries do bend, our child may not be able to understand that this was a special circumstance. So bedtime is at X every single night without fail. A kid may NEVER get a sofa. They may only be allowed to hug people with their last name. They must hold mamas shirt tail in public. Whatever.
For an adoptive child, especially one born addicted to drugs, who had several homes, who experienced neglect and abuse, homeschooling, a small world, strange rules, strict (not harsh!) discipline, recognizing they are a little behind developmentally may be extra helpful.
I think my biggest thought regarding this is to encourage people to know that this is encouraged TO SOME DEGREE to adoptive families. Dont jump to heavily on the idea that we are all hiding something if we are doing some/all of these things.
Again, maybe the Harts heard some of these things and ran with it. Or maybe they used them as excuses to go too far with it all. Or maybe they never did any research and were clueless on top of abusive.
I just wanted to share some things you might not know about.
All you really need is a first and last name, or else a first or last name and town of residence. With technology and social media being what it is, folks are easy to track down these days.
