I'm sure it's not your intent, but I think that comment really sells most parents short. While I feel absolutely heartsick for BL and his sister, I can say with certainty that my children would never be in this situation. Custody would not be obtained without a drag-out fight and I'd never drop a child of mine into a situation like that. If that sounds holier than thou or something, I apologize, but I just know that. I could not live in relative luxury with security systems and a pretty house in a decent neighborhood and know that the love/loves of my life are living in a less than savory area with felons around, men I don't know, etc. You cannot tell me that BL didn't know that AD had issues and just the mere possibility of issues would keep my children away.
That doesn't mean that something couldn't happen to my kids. God forbid. I just don't think it's fair to chalk up any post that hints that BL might not have been 'father of the year' to poster denial. I think anyone who frequents this board knows exactly the horror that some kids face, and exactly how myriad the reasons are for which they face them. I don't believe that BL is 'everyman.' I think he made decisions that increased the odds.
That doesn't make him guilty, but I think he should feel some guilt. I know I would. And I pray one day that he'll be able to come to terms and find forgiveness and solace within himself, because I know this must be unimaginable pain. My heart truly breaks for him. And meanwhile, if it helps one parent make better decisions, then his role in all this might have some good come out of it after all.
I don't assume that
everyone on here who has criticized BL has done so for the reasons I have listed. It all depends.
Certainly,
I would have fought tooth and nail before allowing a person like AD to have visitation with my child. But, that's me and that's also with what we know now.
Many of us are assuming that everything people have reported is true and/or was known. How do we know what BL knew or didn't?
To me, thus far, he seems like a working man, naive, too trusting, perhaps not very educated about the dangers out there, or his rights, but, just trying to take care of his child.
As a family law attorney, I cannot tell you how many people, especially fathers, come to me confused about their rights or with the assumption that they have none. One client I have who fathered a child with a psychotic stripper, believed he had no choice when she stated she wanted to take more of his custodial time away. I fought hard for two years. He now has sole physical and legal custody and psychotic mother only sees her child during very, limited times, at public events. Which believe me, is for the best.
This woman has a host of extremely serious problems that pose a severe risk of danger to her child. Yet, the dad thought he had no choice but allow the mother and her new boy toy to take even more time from him.
Which brings me to the second point I would like to make. The woman's problems are so incredible, almost
every area of dysfunction was evident. Yet, she fooled teachers, lawyers, judges, psychologists, etc. She was a master at deception. She came across as the sweetest, most reasonable person one could imagine. Every time she got a new lawyer, the new one would act like I was a lunatic suggesting there was anything wrong with the mother and that she should not have primary custody.
It took an actual private detective following her and getting video evidence, as well as two years of our own investigative work, tracking down roommates and co-workers, etc, to reveal the truth of how evil and psychotic this woman really is. Even my own client, who fathered a child with this woman, lived with her for a few years and dealt with her for even longer on a regular basis, had no idea of the extent of the complete pathology and criminality of this woman.
Luckily, my client could afford all of this work. It was extremely expensive. What happens to a regular joe or jane who is just struggling to make it through in this world? They can't afford what my client could.
What some of you are failing to realize is how truly masterful some monsters are at hiding their true natures and how they are living. I could go on and on with other cases I have had and how easily some parents could fool everyone around them.
The last point is that MOST parents, IMO, are nowhere near perfect in their parenting skills. They make many mistakes, sometimes huge ones that endanger their kids. And many parents out there are
far less than perfect and make such mistakes regularly, beginning with who they choose to have unprotected sex with.
It frustrates me to no end. It drives me crazzzzy - driving with their kids unbuckled, or no car seat. Allowing a small child to walk behind them through a busy intersection. Letting a toddler play unattended on a balcony, or allowing their kids to spend the night at a friend's house without checking the parents out. Allowing their kids to spend time alone with the "new man", etc.
It not only drives me nuts, it angers me.
But the fact is, many of these people are seriously well-meaning people who totally love their children, who love them more than anything.
They just don't think. They just don't know. They just aren't educated. They needed parenting classes long before they ever had sex for the first time.
To me, the biggest danger to children whose parents are not together is mommy's new man. But, I'm on websleuths a lot. I'm an attorney. My family works for social services. I have reason to know. It is astounding, but many people just don't think of the danger. I have to educate my clients.
So, are parents who make errors in judgment criminals? Are parents who are fooled by the smooth talk and masterful deception of their former mates criminals?
I do believe that all the scenarios I listed above are examples of negligence. Yet, not one of those scenarios would cause the children to be taken or the parent deemed to have "neglected" the child in the "dependency court" sense of the word.
We are horrified about what happened to this baby at the hands of her apparently diabolically evil mother. So, we assume that this level of evil, or at the least, dysfunction, must have been apparent, or even discoverable upon a bit of logical inquiry. And, so we scream in anger.
But, it just isn't sometimes. And sometimes those who have been entrusted with beautiful children, aren't that bright, or aren't that educated. And sometimes, tragedy results.
For those who truly loved their kids yet, whose actions or inaction enabled such tragedy, our outrage at their negligence is nothing compared to the beating they give themselves. Nothing compared to the guilt they will always feel, every day, until they die.
arrot:
