I differ with most school bullying experts in that I view true bullying to only encompass acts of commission and not acts of omission. I only assert that a child has a night to be simply left alone, if he or she is acting accordingly, so that he or she might have the benefit of the education that his or her parents are paying for through tuition or taxes. I prefer to position the issue as a contractual one rather than a moral one. What is the use of trying to argue morality with juvenile sadists or their parents? (The acorn indeed never falls far from the tree.) Dr. Joel Haber, whose book I recommend below, makes the same point.
I do not view social exclusion as an act of bullying. I hold that children have the same right of free association as do adults, and that it is up to each individual to navigate his or her way through the social waters. I do not believe that children should be forced to play or otherwise associate with other children whom they find to be unattractive for whatever reason.
Moreover, children should learn from a young age that to peg one’s sense of self-esteem upon what others think of them is to position one’s sense of worth and happiness upon that which they cannot control. This is the height of folly. ("What you think of me is none of my business.")
I was horrendously bullied in school for what I later came to realize was a then undiagnosed, relatively mild case of Tourette’s Syndrome and the then yet to be formulated diagnosis of ADHD which often accompanies the syndrome. Through my three-year ordeal in grade school (now what would be considered middle school—when bullying typically begins as the egos of kids become more developed and pronounced), I never lacked self-esteem, and all I wanted was to be left alone.
If the entire damn class had “sent me to Coventry” (shunned me), I would have been ecstatic! I had plenty of good friends around my neighborhood. I felt trapped as in a cage with wild animals conducted by a sadistic ringmaster (“Sister Mary Peter”
. This is a common feeling held by school bullying victims, as also noted by Dr. Haber, and so often leads to a sense of despair.
I was, however, too ashamed to tell my family and friends what I had been enduring (and my inability to counter it) and hid it from them; something which I later learned is not at all an uncommon response with such youngsters. Indeed, this phenomenon can sometimes result in tragic consequences. The short story I wrote is centered on this theme.
At my anti-school bullying website, I counsel working with kids whose lack of social skills is part of their problem with school bullying, as had been the case with me. Some might call this “blaming the victim.” However, I disagree. Instilling good social graces within a youngster will benefit him or her throughout his or her entire life.
The motive for true bullying is always the same: sadism. With true bullying, there is no other motive beyond the act itself. Bullies find such to be
pleasurable. From their ranks came the gulag and concentration camp guards of the Stalin-Hitler era. It is personal only in the sense that once a kid has been marked as a victim by bullies, they will be relentless. Otherwise, it is not. Until the rise of the internet age, bullies never even thought about their victims when out of sight. They do not see their victims as “persons” in the full sense of the word, just as adult torturers for dictatorial regimes do not. If it hadn’t been this kid, then another vulnerable youngster would have done just as well as an outlet for their perverted personalities and aggression.
I believe that sometimes other forms of school aggression are wrongfully mistaken for and classified as bullying. I believe such was the case with the late Phoebe Prince. (Apparently her family agrees with me as indicated by a statement from their spokeswoman.) But that is a topic for another discussion.
At my anti-school bullying website, I sell nothing nor accept advertisements. On occasion, I will review books that cost money and recommend such if I feel as though they have merit. In such instances, I never have any association with the publishers or authors and never profit from them.
The best book I have read thus far on the subject of school bullying is by Dr. Joel Haber, a clinical psychologist. If you are a parent, or hope to be one day, I would wholeheartedly recommend this seminal work on the subject. As noted within my review, I have only one point of disagreement with Dr. Haber, the one I alluded to previously in this note. If any would care to read my review of
Bullypoof Your Child for Life, here is the URL:
http://wwwdnschneidercom.xbuild.com/#/links-page-60/4533834490
