Shutterfly
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- Joined
- Jul 23, 2008
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Like many of you, I expected to feel relieved once Caylee finally found her way home. But this picture I had in my head when I closed my eyes, of this beautiful little girl, on her elbows with her little hands under her chin....today I see a garbage bag, in a heap by the side of the road...and I see the glint of sunshine on a starch white skull, that those little hands once held up.....in that picture I used to have in my head. I hear "she's close Dad, she's close." I hear CA say how devoted KC was to this child and what an excellent mother she WAS. All of that comes back to me now in bits and stitches, and just when I think that my heart cannot break any more for this child I am still left reeling, trying to make SOME sense of ANY of it...STILL. And I close my eyes and I see that G*d D*mn bag in the dirt. Oh yes, I believed I was angry. But I had no idea what true loathing was, until I heard the news. I knew by the way my heart sank that it was Caylee. I don't need confirmation anymore.
I could have forgiven her. I swear, as God is my witness, I could have. Even if it were the carelessness of an inexperienced, inattentive young mother, I could have found it in my heart to forgive her because that is who I am and how I was raised. I wanted so badly to believe it was some bizarre, horrible accident, even though in my gut this little voice insisted that if it were an accident, she would have told the trith, even if it wasn't immediate. Unless there was something more hideous than what we knew to hide, I just couldn't believe that she would refuse to give Caylee back to her family...and to us, Caylee's friends.
I managed to make it through the day with fewer tears than yesterday. I took a shower and I had to go to the grocery store. As I shut my back door I was confronted with the most beautiful full moon I believe that I'd ever laid eyes on. She hung low in the sky and she seemed to say to me "here I am, LOOK AT ME" and then it hit me..... and I found myself in a heap on my back porch.
For six months, SIX F*CKING MONTHS that child lay in the dirt, waiting for someone to come for her. How many times did her "mother" drive by that very spot after she dumped her there, and she went on with her pathetic life as though that bag of trash she discarded in the dirt was nothing more than used food wrappers and household debris. Was Caylee aware? Did she see her mother and her grandma and Papa Jo every time they passed and never stopped?
You ever get so angry that even you know it's best for you to sit down somewhere and shut your mouth before things get broken? I'm not violent, never have been. I always understood that breaking things could get expensive. It's a wonder I didn't pitch my monitor out the front door just to watch it bounce down those ten steps. It took me an hour and a half to clean myself up off the back porch, get to the store a half mile down the street, and get back......and I only bought cat food. She's dead? Oh my God...that's all I keep saying. I keep hearing myself say that she's dead but now I think I am beginning to understand some of CA's denial. I was so willing to accept it before, and now I would give anything in this world to make it all go away. But I have simply to hit the x and walk away. What if it's YOUR granddaughter, YOUR daughter, and you CAN'T walk away? CA may be a lot of things. She may have made HUGE mistakes, but today I do not know how she has the strength to face another day. Her life, the lives of her family, and most importantly the life of that little girl, all lie in the dirt on Suburban Street together, and they will always be there for the rest of their days. I do not blame them, not directly. I've never been able to hold them responsible for this in my heart.
I've never been a supporter of the death penalty. I believe that there is something wrong with a system that punishes murderers by murdering them. I know, that may be narrow minded and childish, but it's nonetheless how I feel. Now I'm not so sure. I don't know if I hope KC lives for seventy years behind bars or if I wish for her to face the executioner.
And now enter Linda Baden? Is Jose about to be the next one to abandon this sinking ship? IS IT EVER GOING TO STOP? AM I EVER going to truly feel that this child has gotten any justice? HOW CAN CAYLEE POSSIBLY GET JUSTICE NOW? After what she went through and the way she was discarded like garbage, how can there ever be any measure of justice that will "make up" for what's become of this child? KC's head on a plate isn't enough to make any of this right.
I don't know how to feel anymore....I just don't know. I listened to the 911 call today (from yesterday) and heard the reaction of the dispatcher when the young man said "a skull, you know, in the Caylee Anthony area?" The sound she made after he said it sounded as if someone punched her in the gut. Even she knew, right then and there.
I don't know if she will get the death penalty but my guess is that those in the SA's office would much rather see her suffer in prison, for a long, long time. We'll see what the coming days bring. And still I hope that she has common decency, and the one shred of compassion it will take to lead her to TELL THE TRUTH KC.....say SOMETHING for God's sake. Make some effort to redeem yourself now or even God will foresake you and you will surely rot in hell for all eternity.
And in the meantime..... welcome to the first day of your worst nightmare KC. Welcome to reality. Stick THAT in your "Diary of Days." And by the way KC..."Life's tough...GET A HELMET!!" That's what you told your mother on your MySpace blog, wasn't it?
I could have forgiven her. I swear, as God is my witness, I could have. Even if it were the carelessness of an inexperienced, inattentive young mother, I could have found it in my heart to forgive her because that is who I am and how I was raised. I wanted so badly to believe it was some bizarre, horrible accident, even though in my gut this little voice insisted that if it were an accident, she would have told the trith, even if it wasn't immediate. Unless there was something more hideous than what we knew to hide, I just couldn't believe that she would refuse to give Caylee back to her family...and to us, Caylee's friends.
I managed to make it through the day with fewer tears than yesterday. I took a shower and I had to go to the grocery store. As I shut my back door I was confronted with the most beautiful full moon I believe that I'd ever laid eyes on. She hung low in the sky and she seemed to say to me "here I am, LOOK AT ME" and then it hit me..... and I found myself in a heap on my back porch.
For six months, SIX F*CKING MONTHS that child lay in the dirt, waiting for someone to come for her. How many times did her "mother" drive by that very spot after she dumped her there, and she went on with her pathetic life as though that bag of trash she discarded in the dirt was nothing more than used food wrappers and household debris. Was Caylee aware? Did she see her mother and her grandma and Papa Jo every time they passed and never stopped?
You ever get so angry that even you know it's best for you to sit down somewhere and shut your mouth before things get broken? I'm not violent, never have been. I always understood that breaking things could get expensive. It's a wonder I didn't pitch my monitor out the front door just to watch it bounce down those ten steps. It took me an hour and a half to clean myself up off the back porch, get to the store a half mile down the street, and get back......and I only bought cat food. She's dead? Oh my God...that's all I keep saying. I keep hearing myself say that she's dead but now I think I am beginning to understand some of CA's denial. I was so willing to accept it before, and now I would give anything in this world to make it all go away. But I have simply to hit the x and walk away. What if it's YOUR granddaughter, YOUR daughter, and you CAN'T walk away? CA may be a lot of things. She may have made HUGE mistakes, but today I do not know how she has the strength to face another day. Her life, the lives of her family, and most importantly the life of that little girl, all lie in the dirt on Suburban Street together, and they will always be there for the rest of their days. I do not blame them, not directly. I've never been able to hold them responsible for this in my heart.
I've never been a supporter of the death penalty. I believe that there is something wrong with a system that punishes murderers by murdering them. I know, that may be narrow minded and childish, but it's nonetheless how I feel. Now I'm not so sure. I don't know if I hope KC lives for seventy years behind bars or if I wish for her to face the executioner.
And now enter Linda Baden? Is Jose about to be the next one to abandon this sinking ship? IS IT EVER GOING TO STOP? AM I EVER going to truly feel that this child has gotten any justice? HOW CAN CAYLEE POSSIBLY GET JUSTICE NOW? After what she went through and the way she was discarded like garbage, how can there ever be any measure of justice that will "make up" for what's become of this child? KC's head on a plate isn't enough to make any of this right.
I don't know how to feel anymore....I just don't know. I listened to the 911 call today (from yesterday) and heard the reaction of the dispatcher when the young man said "a skull, you know, in the Caylee Anthony area?" The sound she made after he said it sounded as if someone punched her in the gut. Even she knew, right then and there.
I don't know if she will get the death penalty but my guess is that those in the SA's office would much rather see her suffer in prison, for a long, long time. We'll see what the coming days bring. And still I hope that she has common decency, and the one shred of compassion it will take to lead her to TELL THE TRUTH KC.....say SOMETHING for God's sake. Make some effort to redeem yourself now or even God will foresake you and you will surely rot in hell for all eternity.
And in the meantime..... welcome to the first day of your worst nightmare KC. Welcome to reality. Stick THAT in your "Diary of Days." And by the way KC..."Life's tough...GET A HELMET!!" That's what you told your mother on your MySpace blog, wasn't it?
