This will be a long post, but I'm going to post JA's entire May 22 journal entry.
The whole damn thing is one big LIE!!
Thurs. May 22, 2008
Today has been a day of good news and sadness. Good news: my phone arrived! And not a moment too soon. Sad news: I finally had the conversation with Travis and it did not go well. I sort of put it to him already in an e-mail I sent a few days ago and he didnt like that either, not nor did he take the hint. So I realized I had to be a little bit more direct. I told him that of course Im looking for[ward] to his impending visit, that I cant wait to check more things off the list (from 1,000 places), but that we probably would be better off in all ways if we were not physical.
He got offended and upset, then acted distant. I tried being so sweet and speak kindly to him, playing up all of the advantages of not violating the law of chastity, and he didnt want to hear any of it. He said he already knows all that. Then it got worse, he asked me who Im seeing, have I been getting my kicks with someone else, etc. Of course I swore that I wasnt (which is true) but also pointed out that even if I was, then thats my right. I also pointed out that I didnt freak out when he confessed his potentially underlying love for Mimi. He said to leave his love life out of it. Typical. Then after a moment, he apologized, and said a lot of his frustration is from the fact that things in his dating life arent going that well, that yes, he still likes Mimi, but its not progressing the way he wants to, and hes leaning towards giving up on her. I told him to be patient, shell come around.
The problem with Travis, is that he so used to guys girls falling all over themselves for him and she doesnt do that. He needs that, I really think he does, to wait.
Well, even sadder is we agreed to amicably part ways. He is an amazing person, and hes told me countless times that I am one of the most beautiful people hes ever meton the inside and out. But it is really better this way. We both agreed to change our passwords, which we had exchanged eons ago to establish, or reestablish trust which we had both violated, so no more of that. We had both picked 2 accounts so I chose Facebook and Gmail and he chose Facebook and MySpace.
We are truly good people at the core, both of us, but we cant behave ourselves when were around each other, not even over the phone. He said I am still like kryptonite to him. But Im tired of being guilt-ridden when the air clears.
I knew it was wrong going over there all those nights but I couldnt say no to him, I couldnt not pick up the phone. He would rationalize it saying its really not that bad, or come on, I want to please you, and I was weak. I went anyway, I answered the phone anyway.
Moving has certainly helped me morally. I dont know if it has him or if hes found a replacement booty-call. For his sake I hope he hasnt, not because it would be a replacement but because it is not spiritually productive. We both want to get married and I dont think either of us is anywhere near that if we continue to act immorally w/each other. I am mortified that my phone was stolen. It had a hugely scandalous text message from him (10 pgs!) that he sent last week. It would make a steamy romance novel sound like a script from a G-rated Disney movie. I also had 1 or 2 recorded conversations that were equally as scandalous. I never did figure out how to play those back for him. Well theyre gone now and we wont be making more. Well, actually I wouldnt bet on it entirely, one of us will crack and call the other. Its crazy, but what can you do?
Wherever my phone is now, I just hope text messages and conversations are never discovered. Yikes. Its certainly not Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton level scandal, theres no videos but it would be embarrassing nonetheless.
I am honestly relieved about the whole thing. The just friends had many complicated benefits. Im not seeing anyone per se, but somehow I feel like its still isnt fair to any of my current prospects. And Travis said he still certain he wants to marry Mimi, although theyre not yet dating. Its not fair to her either, in my opinion. We hadnt talked about her in so long, I didnt realize he was still in pursuit. I wouldnt dare lecture him over it though. The first thing that almost popped out of my mouth was, then why the hell are we still messing around if thats the case?!? But I kept it shut. For two reason[s.] 1: it would be like the pot calling the kettle black (as Ive had my eyon eye on some wonderfuls myself. 2. I honestly dont think Travis can be monogamous. Im certain he wasnt w/ me, although I dont dwell on it anymore, but my certainty was further solidified when his pattern of behavior continued with his next girlfriend, Lisa Andrews. When he finally admitted that they had been dating, I felt so guilty. I almost wanted to tell her, it seemed only fair, but by then had already broken up and he had moved on to Mimi. Besides, not only would telling her destroy our friendship (mine and his), but it would cause a lot of unnecessary drama and pain. And just because Travis acted like a schmuck when it came to how he treated his previous girlfriends, doesnt mean hes capable of learning how to be better. Its just that Ive yet to see evidence of it. But perhaps it will be different w/ Mimi. One things for sure, I wouldnt want to be the other girl in that relationship, I couldnt handle the guilt. And these things dont necessarily discount all of his other amazing qualities. Hes done more for me than I could ever cout count. Hes helped me in every area of my life. Im indebted to him for all of the wonderful things that his done. Hes just so dang hot and cold. Bi-polar even, it would seem. But I have a gazillion memories that weve created that I will always value, just like the ones w/ Bobby, Matt, and Darryl. All unique. All special, all priceless.
Anyway, one thing I do know is it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Im saddened and, yes, but it feels like a conclusion, like closure. The final chapter was finally written, and the ending was bittersweet. He said on some level, we will always be friends, but we both agreed that its better this way. Its true. It is very much in alignment with the e-mail I sent him a few days ago. Hell be so much better off this way spiritually and emotionally. And Ill start dating for real again soon. Not this casual fill-in-your-Friday-night stuff. I wont miss his teasing or his bi-polar tendencies to snap and yell and say things he ends up regretting, but I will miss his sense of humor. Well still have his car to take care of, but hell keep me posted on any new developments. He said if all else fails, then well just scrap it but I would
END
Just being realistic as to the events that occurred prior to the killing.
