Rant/Emotion Overload

During her memorial, I found myself going back and forth from sheer heartbreak to anger. The beauty of Sandra shining for the world to see and the pain etched across the faces of her family and those who loved her reminded me of the unbearable loss. The words of those who tried to comfort us and the songs meant to inspire hope brought me back to the reality of the reasons why we here.

I asked myself if we are doing any one any good by sitting here day after day asking questions and trying to find simple answers. I asked myself if this is a waste of time and energy for the hundreds of us who dig into such cases hoping to find something to bring a child or a missing person home to their loved ones. I asked myself if trying to bring justice into such an unjust world is an impossible task.

The answer I received was very clear when I looked at Sandra's smile in her photo and turned around towards the tv to catch the last glimpse of her with her arms swinging wildly as she skipped towards home. It is worth it.

We are here for every Sandra. We are here for every Haleigh, Trenton, and Adji out there who deserve to come home and deserve justice. We keep their faces, their names, and their stories alive until they return. We are doing what small part we can to insure they are never forgotten. Justice is never out of our reach when it restores dignity, faith, and honor to the victims of this seemingly unjust world.

May God bless and keep you, Sandra Cantu.

Hello everyone...this will be my first post here. I have been reading the forum for a couple of days now and I have to say I am happy to see such a place exists. We need more caring advocates in this world. On that note I really need to get some thoughts off my chest. So bare with me if I ramble on...but this whole Sandra Cantu case has my head spinning for so many reasons.

I have a beautiful daughter who's 11 and will turn 12 in July. I can't imagine how Sandra's mother must be feeling. Every time I think of what has happened to this little girl I just want to cry. As a mother we will always feel this need to protect our children and it's stuff like this that makes me want to keep her locked inside forever. Our society has become so screwed up I thought I was completely numb to news report after news report. But this has hit home to me in a big way.

I have read in another thread on here I don't remember if it was in the suspect thread or why we thought Melissa killed her. But I need to say that some of thoughts expressed that perhaps Melissa was sexually molested as a child and maybe that's why she may have done this. When I read this it made my stomach turn...Let me explain why:

This is a very personal story for me but I will try to explain as best as I can and it is only my thoughts and perhaps my thoughts alone.

When I was a child I was sexually molested by my grandfather. It was the most traumatic experience I have ever experienced in my life and it affected me in a big way. Trouble with intimacy, trust, and love. Having to overcome that was a big part of my life. Moving forward I learned to trust and love those people around me that loved me in return. When I first got married loving and trusting my husband was my only obstacle. But fast forward to finding out we were having a child. It was one of my happiest moments but also one of my most scariest moments. When I first learned I was pregnant all I wanted was a boy...that's not to say that these kind of things wouldn't happen to a boy. But in my mind I thought I would fair better in this instance. Don't get me wrong my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love her with all my heart and I say this without thought. But when I first found out through the ultrasound that I was having a girl instead of a boy I cried like you killed me. I can honestly say that all my nightmares started coming back. Flashbacks of being molested came almost nightly. I believe this began happening because of my fear for her and my constant need to protect her. When I first brought her home thank god I have a loving husband because to be honest I was afraid to touch her let alone change her diaper. I simply couldn't because the moment I would try flashes of my molestation would rear it's ugly head. Thankfully my husband was loving and supportive because he took the role of being mom/dad all at once without hesitation. In my heart I would drive myself crazy thinking why is this happening? Am I wanting to hurt my beautiful daughter in the same way? I would torture myself daily thinking that perhaps this is why I was having these horrible flashbacks. I have to say now looking back I would never past or present hurt her in that way I was hurt and it was God's way of showing me that I could overcome my fear and know in my heart that what happened to me when I was a child I had no control over but as an adult I do have control of my future. I was having my flashbacks not because I wanted to do the same to her but because I was scared the same would happen to her and I am so thankful that I was able to work this out in my mind. I believe in this with my whole heart. It's up to you to break the cycle and if in your heart you believe in this. Then you can learn to be a better person and not let what happened to you over take your life but take from life what you have been dealt with and learn from it. Let it make you stronger as a person and choose to make your life better.

I guess what I am trying to say is simply this: I don't believe just because she was molested it in turn made her do the same. Some people might not be as strong as me but I guess what I mean bottom line the choice is yours. Lay down and die! Blame the world blah blah blah or stand up and make a difference.

I choose to make a difference.

A molested survivor

Welcome Twirlygirl, what a beautiful name.:gold_star:

HarvestMoon said:

Welcome Twirlygirl, what a beautiful name.:gold_star:

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Thanks i hope I didn't make you read too long

I just had to get this off my chest.

I know this is a controversial subject, but I do believe the death penalty to be a real deterrant of crime. I hate to use certain foreign countries as an example, so I won't. I think if you start convicting these murderers and child pornographers with the DP, and carry it out SWIFTLY, you will find that these "offenders" will think twice. I hope MH gets DP. I am completely cried out over this, and when I think about what Sandra went through, I just cry again.

Now I want to rant about my town of Tracy, CA. I moved here 5 yrs ago during the housing boom. The house we have now would've cost us ~900k in Livermore, CA (where we moved from, only 20mi west). I had the misfortune to live in the central valley years before, and thought I had gotten out for good! (sorry if that offended anyone) But we did buy a beautiful home in Tracy. My first impression of Tracy was walking my infant daughter down our beautiful tree lined street to have the BOOM BOOM ghetto music blasting me as cars whizzed by residential areas going 45mph+. I called the PD several times... dispatcher sympathetic, but no action. There seems to be a lack of police presence in this town, as well as other central valley towns. This was evident to me as someone who moved from a town where the cops would pull over ANYONE like this. I once talked to a watch commander here about this "attitude". I told him I traveled to Monterey, CA frequently, and their local police would NEVER stand for some of the crap I see out here. His answer? "We're not Monterey". No duh.

This wouldn't have helped Sandra, given the rare situation of her abduction. But my message is Tracy needs to get tougher on ALL crime, and for God's sake, if the Tracy60 exists, they need to be arrested immediately! The only thing I can hope for is that this case is a wake up call for the city govt. and things will change.

Sorry if I offended anyone with my rant, I am mad as a hornet!

twirlygirl said:

Thanks i hope I didn't make you read too long

I just had to get this off my chest.

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Welcome twirlygirl. You've come to the right place for getting things off your chest. Sorry for all you've had to endure. Hugs!
azwriter

First, my rant. If I wrote what I would like to do to Melissa Huckaby I would be banned for life from WS so I won't. What I will do is say Melissa is the most evil, vile, inhumane person I have read about. To cloth herself as a lamb like she did is simply dispicable. If Melissa is found guilty, she deserves the death penalty. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of women getting as much leniency as they do. A crime is a crime period. Women deserve no extra mercy simply because of their gender and I will pray daily that stops.

I'm more enraged at Melissa than I am Casey Anthony and I didn't think that was possible.

I am struggling with teaching my 6.5 yr old kindergartner about safety. It kills me when he says, mom- I'm just a kid, you are scaring me. And asking questions like will someone hurt me? All I can do right now is answer it is my job to protect you and help you learn how to keep yourself safe when you are outside playing. I'm a cautious parent, but we do need to allow our children some independence. My son is in tae kwando and currently an orange belt. I can't wait until he is a black belt. I'll feel a little safer (and hopefully he won't kick my butt, lol!)

I can't begin to say how very very angry I am at Melissa. I'm reserving my thoughts on her family at this point because we don't have facts, but my gut tells me they knew very well something was wrong with their daughter, granddaughter, niece, sister..... and chose either to ignore it and "pray the Lord would take care of it" (The Lord made medicine and doctors for a reason) or they were simply ignorant and chose to remain ignorant to her very serious issues. In which case, we need more education for those who have family members suffering from various forms of mental illness.

Melissa, when you sleep at night I hope you have nightmares each and every night of what you did to precious innocent Sandra AND the train wreck you have left not only Sandra's family, but YOUR OWN DAUGHTER and your family.

Okay, another rant. I am horrified that the Chavez family will have to see that GODFORSAKEN church every flippin' day! My belief is that it is now hallowed ground, and should be torn down as soon as the investigation/trial is over. I'm sure that won't happen... if the Lawless' had ANY moral quality about them, they would sell/abandon that property and allow a memorial to Sandra (such as a park or gardens) to be erected there (but then they'd lose their tax write off...boo hoo). "Celebrating" services there is LUDICROUS and should not be allowed to continue.

Is there anyway a community can petition for such thing to happen? I would guess not, since it is private property. But I would appreciate any legal info on this.. I would be willing to push it locally.

I cringe every time I hear someone (media) refer to MH as a Sunday School Teacher. She is a 28 year old single mother, unemployed and homeless (living with her grandparents for 8 months), since she is not working, she doesn't pay rent. I heard the father of her child does not pay her child support.

I am a Sunday School teacher. At our Church they have a lengthly application process that includes a background check, TB testing and checking with references. We have strict rules never to be alone with a member of our class whether at Chuch or otherside of Church.

Somewhere I read the church had 20 members. Not a very large following.
Sunday school usually lasts about an hour. What does MH do the rest of the week?

snapdragon said:

Okay, another rant. I am horrified that the Chavez family will have to see that GODFORSAKEN church every flippin' day! My belief is that it is now hallowed ground, and should be torn down as soon as the investigation/trial is over. I'm sure that won't happen... if the Lawless' had ANY moral quality about them, they would sell/abandon that property and allow a memorial to Sandra (such as a park or gardens) to be erected there (but then they'd lose their tax write off...boo hoo). "Celebrating" services there is LUDICROUS and should not be allowed to continue.

Is there anyway a community can petition for such thing to happen? I would guess not, since it is private property. But I would appreciate any legal info on this.. I would be willing to push it locally.

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I undoubtedly without question feel the same way! I would never want to have to look at that church ever again.

My 8 year old daughter told me they found Sandra's body. I was gathering her clothes for school and she was watching the TODAY show waiting for the weather while eating breakfast. She started yelling "Mommy! Mommy! They found her body..she was in a suitcase in a pond."

I had been away from the computer and the news the day before and it made me catch my breath.

I watched the coverage and cried right there with my own little 8 year old.
Then, she asked today, why that lady killed her and I had to tell her that she molested her. She knows what this means because my niece was molested and my daughter was the first person she opened up to about it. She said I didn't know girls did that...I said they usually don't. It's extremely rare that a woman is that sick that she would do that.

It makes me sick to have to tell her these things... sigh


praying for Sandra's family. I can't even imagine.


I can't imagine what Sandra's mother and family are going through. I just can't even go there. I pray for them.

mgardner said:

We have a pedo here in San Diego who they want to release to the community. Our community, lead mostly by radio host, Rick Roberts, is doing all we can to keep Matthew Hedge away from MY property. The years I've been following this monster, his history is violent acts against children. He's too much of a coward to hurt someone his own age, or someone who can defend him/herself. He's a true monster. Thankfully, a judge ruled that Hedge was ordered placed in the community in a trailer on a site adjacent to Donovan State Prison in Otay Mesa on April 13, 2009. That makes me feel a little bit safer -- but we're not sure how long it's going to last.

Anyway, I feel once a pedo always a pedo. I don't think there's such thing as rehab. Which makes me only imagine that Sandra wasn't the first victim of MH. Pedo's don't normally mess with adults (IMHO).

Best,

Melanie

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Your post made me think of something. I am dead set against computer chips being inserted into people (like they do with animals) but in the case of pedophiles it should be mandatory that these people be computer chipped -- and I am convinced there is already a way to record these peoples' conversations at the same time.

Logger said:

I cringe every time I hear someone (media) refer to MH as a Sunday School Teacher. She is a 28 year old single mother, unemployed and homeless (living with her grandparents for 8 months), since she is not working, she doesn't pay rent. I heard the father of her child does not pay her child support.

I am a Sunday School teacher. At our Church they have a lengthly application process that includes a background check, TB testing and checking with references. We have strict rules never to be alone with a member of our class whether at Chuch or otherside of Church.

Somewhere I read the church had 20 members. Not a very large following.
Sunday school usually lasts about an hour. What does MH do the rest of the week?

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And how do you get a functioning Sunday school class when your church only has 20 members total? Doesn't sound right to me.

RhythmicSun said:

Your post made me think of something. I am dead set against computer chips being inserted into people (like they do with animals) but in the case of pedophiles it should be mandatory that these people be computer chipped -- and I am convinced there is already a way to record these peoples' conversations at the same time.

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Ha! We want to put a GPS onto our 5y/o daughter! I know they have the bracelets, and are considering it. She is a very beautiful girl, who is also very outgoing, and that scares us.... sad state of affairs, isn't it????

JoeFromLB said:

And how do you get a functioning Sunday school class when your church only has 20 members total? Doesn't sound right to me.

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And hasn't had regular services since 1997!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TAX SHELTER!

snapdragon said:

And hasn't had regular services since 1997!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TAX SHELTER!

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1997??? I've heard one report that said 2007, but wow, where did you hear that??
That would be 12 years without any services! If that's the case, that's NO church!

This church stuff is something I've been wanting to rant about for a while. I smell a huge ugly rat with this church and in my mind's eye it has its teeth bared. I never believed for one second that this was or is a real church. I am sorry if that hurts or offends the family but after looking at a lot of the facts, using logic, intuition and yes, astrology I feel this church was no church at all for a very, very long time. And it infuriates me that this ridiculous structure could have been used for heinous crimes for a very long time on possibly more victims, and that wiring was possibly removed from the roof. I could go on but I won't.

I do very much believe in the death penalty. Don't think I don't.

RhythmicSun said:

This church stuff is something I've been wanting to rant about for a while. I smell a huge ugly rat with this church and in my mind's eye it has its teeth bared. I never believed for one second that this was or is a real church. I am sorry if that hurts or offends the family but after looking at a lot of the facts, using logic intuition and yes, astrology I feel this church was no church at all for a very, very long time. And it infuriates me that this ridiculous structure could have been used for heinous crimes for a very long time on possibly more victims, and that wiring was possibly removed from the roof. I could go on but I won't.

I do very much believe in the death penalty. Don't think I don't.

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The church creeps me out big time. Lots of oddities here, IMO.

JoeFromLB said:

1997??? I've heard one report that said 2007, but wow, where did you hear that??
That would be 12 years without any services! If that's the case, that's NO church!

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Joe, You're correct! Sorry, My Bad! I meant to say 2007, guess my brain is in a time warp! It has been a few years since any regular service, and locals have said repeatedly that they rarely see anyone there.

Also, local pastors have said that Pastor Lawless has not participated in any of the gatherings for local pastors. He has been repeatedly invited, but has never responded. They have used the term that he has "isolated" himself from the religious community here in Tracy.

Thanks for your correction to my brain blip!!1

It really makes me want to rant to see yet another case where past abuse (or speculation of past abuse) of the offender is used by some as a way to rationalize the offenders abusive behavior towards a child. It is insulting...a slap in the face...to the 100's of thousands of people who were abused yet did not succumb to that abuse by becoming an abuser.

I grew up in a house of horrors yet never did I think it be RIGHT to hit my child in the head with a bat, or beat them with my fist untill they faded in and out of consciousness, or put them to bed saying "Think about something that makes you happy" as their insides were torn apart. It was WRONG. And no amount of irrational rationalization about my childhood could have made abuse understandable.

Throughout the WS forums alone there can be found many posts made by members in which they refer to their own abusive childhoods. The Internet underscored what TV talk shows exposed...childhood abuse is a far more common occurrence than was ever thought. The majority of abused children DO NOT become sadistic abusers. The majority of persons abused as children struggle for years to learn how to live a life beyond a point of survival in order to achieve a life with love. A life which will include others, not discard them in trash bags or luggage.

Simply put:

All abusers were not abused.
And All abused are not abusers.