HS Reunion- with the Bullies

[hopingicanhelp]

Yeah, but it could be a set up so that they can pick on her/him again.

Anything is possible, but from what I understand about Snick he's in his 60s so this would be his 40th or 50th reunion??? I find it hard to believe that after 40 or 50 years people would be completely the same as they were back then AND go out of their way to bully the same target.

JMHO....

I tend to believe that this reunion organizer really wants to see him. Plus, this may be the last opportunity to see a lot of these people. Ten more years and some of those that attend will have a more difficult time travelling -- unfortunately, some won't make it to the next one. However, that shouldn't push Snick into going either if he doesn't want to go.

I think he needs to question whether the bully(ies) are STILL holding him back from doing something he otherwise would enjoy. That's why I said do NOT say "why" if asked why he's not attending. While we understand and feel compassion for Snick, it will be hard for people who were nice & liked him to understand why this is keeping him away after so long.

If someone told him that none of the mean people were attending would he go? If so, I think he definitely should -- it will be difficult, but I think after all this time he will be glad he did.

 

[JeannaT]

Well the pressure is building. I got emails from the organizer and a personal one from the guy who'd contacted me earlier stressing he really wants me to come. The announcement stated that it was being held at the home of the very guy I do not want to see again. I Goggled him and found he is now a board member of some big mega-church where he lives. Maybe he got religion and is a changed person, but I still don't care to see him again, let alone go to his home. I think I will notify the guy who's emailing me that I have personal reasons for not going and leave it at that- then if he wants to know I will tell him why. I doubt he will. I plan to send the organizer a brief resume of my life and some pics of me and my family jut so they know I didn't turn out to be the failure some of them thought I would....

Snick, do you realize that you are about to escalate this? If you email him, and say you have "personal reasons for not going", that opens the door to intense curiosity? If you truly want to have them stop encouraging you to come, say it in a way that will stop them. "I'm really sorry I won't be able to make it this year - wishing the best." is a much better way. The statement you plan to write actually invites a response.

The chance that anyone intends to bully you there is very very minimal, and you are causing them to keep contacting you by your vague responses.

 

[human]

I went to a get together with some of the super popular people. It was small.

The people had all had some kind of tragedy in their lives.

No one escapes hardship.

I imagine everyone has heard the quotes about letting people rent for free iin the soace in your head,

 

[Snick1946]

Snick, do you realize that you are about to escalate this? If you email him, and say you have "personal reasons for not going", that opens the door to intense curiosity? If you truly want to have them stop encouraging you to come, say it in a way that will stop them. "I'm really sorry I won't be able to make it this year - wishing the best." is a much better way. The statement you plan to write actually invites a response.

The chance that anyone intends to bully you there is very very minimal, and you are causing them to keep contacting you by your vague responses.

Actually I am already there in my mind. I have decided I will not go into anything with the organizer other than I have something else gong on and cannot attend. Then I will send a nice write up with pictures about my life. I maybe then can keep on the good side of people I may want to have contact with.

I have come to doubt that many of these folks have any memory of what happened with me. Even the ones doing the bullying are probably oddly unaware of what they did. I would also assume that the guy whose home this is being held in may well be much different now- especially in light of his being active in his church. If this were being held across town i probably would show up for 30 minutes say hello and leave. it is 200 miles away and it's just a bit much for me to even try to go.

 

[human]

Actually I am already there in my mind. I have decided I will not go into anything with the organizer other than I have something else gong on and cannot attend. Then I will send a nice write up with pictures about my life. I maybe then can keep on the good side of people I may want to have contact with.

I have come to doubt that many of these folks have any memory of what happened with me. Even the ones doing the bullying are probably oddly unaware of what they did. I would also assume that the guy whose home this is being held in may well be much different now- especially in light of his being active in his church. If this were being held across town i probably would show up for 30 minutes say hello and leave. it is 200 miles away and it's just a bit much for me to even try to go.

Great plan! 200 miles is too much time to invest .

 

[Tugela]

Has anyone else ever been invited to attend their HS reunion and had to confront issues with meeting up again after decades with people who bullied them back when? I doubt I'd be interested in any case in going but wonder if I ought to offer some excuse or simply tell the organizer I have issues with some people who will be there? It's been decades but what I experienced was so bad that it amazes me they even invited me. Input welcome.

Most people stop being children after their teenage years.

Actually, the parts of your brain involved in risk/consequence evaluation are in rapid development during that time of your life, that is why so much of this bullying and social misbehaviour happens in schools. It is part of the evolutionary adaption in humans that leads to high level thought. There is a very interesting episode of "The Nature of Things" (a series on CBC narrated by David Suzuki) on this subject. Apparently up until about 11 or so your ability to comprehend consequences is very primitive. On the onset of puberty the part of the brain that deals with that starts to undergo rapid changes, and all the risky/antisocial behaviour teens have is associated with that. That development slows down in later teens and finally ends in your early teens.

Your experiences and what you learned in those years pretty much locks in your behaviour for the rest of your life. Teens bully because they don't fully comprehend the concept of consequence, they are in the process of learning that. Once they have grasped the concept of consequences, most people don't continue with that sort of behaviour (although obviously some will, since it is a lesson they never learned, and after the development of teen years is over, never will).

So go to your reunion. You might be surprised to find out that what was a big deal back then is not any more.

 

[ADoyle90815]

I had a former bully come up and apologize for what he did in elementary school when I was in college. I had pretty much blocked out what happened, so I didn't even recognize him at all until a few minutes later. I accepted his apology, but never had a desire to keep in touch with that person. My family moved in the summer between the 7th and 8th grades, so I ended up going to a different middle and high school than the ones the bullies attended. I figured out that the reason this particular person participated in the bullying was out of fear of being a target as well. My friends also didn't associate with me in school for the same reason.

 

[Tulessa]

The bullying I suffered was mostly focused on my allegedly being 'queer'. I am not gay, never was, but because I was an overweight geeky kid these morons just assumed this. I would find stuff scrawled on my locker, and sometimes would come home from school with bruises all over my arms- it was great fun to punch me in the hallway during class change period. My dad finally went to talk to the principal- he was told it was MY fault. I 'provoked' them. Probably by standing up for myself. Of course the worst ones were the football jocks.

It was so bad that I just put it away in my head all these years. They guy who's been contacting me was one of the few who was decent to me so I don't want to go off on him. I frankly wonder if anyone else remembers all this- at least not like I do. I am NOT going- my only decision now is whether to tell this guy why- or just make up some measly excuse.

Snick, you owe him NOTHING! No answer, period.

 

[Tulessa]

I think I am a different mind set than most. I forgave the man who murdered my brother and sister in law. The burden is on him now. Bullying was easy to forgive for me, and being Native American, it was bad.

 

[GoBrewers]

I just don't go. I see no point when my friends from HS and I still talk/hang out occasionally and after 10 years, i've been away from HS longer than I was ever there. Bullying isn't my issue, personally I see no reason in reconnecting with people I don't have any interest in seeing again.

Before social media maybe it made sense, but now days why? I went out with friends from out of state for my 5 year instead, and after 10 years i've lost touch with nearly all of them. To me it's like having a meeting with people you worked with a decade ago, would you go?

 

[Snick1946]

Update- well I pulled it off- got out of attending, claimed to be on vacation when it was scheduled. So far so good.

Problem now is- the guy who I liked who was contacting me has been sending me emails- just chatty stuff, mostly humorous things of general interest. He is sending them to the same time to a whole group of High School friends, one of whom is the guy I am trying like hell to avoid anything to do with. I am probably paranoid but it seems I may be being manipulated into some sort of contact with people I don't want in my life. I plan to just send this guy a direct email reply and not reply at once to the entire group. Think I can get away with that.

Sad- here I am fifty years later- still with a small part of my life affected by this garbage. I'll work it out.

 

[LinasK]

Update- well I pulled it off- got out of attending, claimed to be on vacation when it was scheduled. So far so good.

Problem now is- the guy who I liked who was contacting me has been sending me emails- just chatty stuff, mostly humorous things of general interest. He is sending them to the same time to a whole group of High School friends, one of whom is the guy I am trying like hell to avoid anything to do with. I am probably paranoid but it seems I may be being manipulated into some sort of contact with people I don't want in my life. I plan to just send this guy a direct email reply and not reply at once to the entire group. Think I can get away with that.

Sad- here I am fifty years later- still with a small part of my life affected by this garbage. I'll work it out.

Yeah, I run into the same issues on Facebook. The people I couldn't stand in my previous life growing up are the ones who want to follow me and send me Facebook requests. Can't stop 'em from following me, but I've learned recently not to make all my posts public. I'm much more selective now on privacy levels. And then the people I'd like to be on Facebook aren't or I can't find. Go figure.

 

[gitana1]

I've had some of the bullies want to be "friends" on facebook--which I haven't kept up on due to lack of time. As a senior in high school I was bullied terrifically---I was valedictorian and in the last 2-3 months of school was accused of cheating. Truth is,I studied when every one else partied. This affected me greatly. I gave my speech--flipped off my class and have never been back. It led to major trust issues with other women in college which has been life-long. I even now prefer to interact with men on a professional basis rather than women. Women are back-stabbers... No way would I ever attend a reunion with these people. So I guess I have never resolved these issues....but, I'm okay. I'm a Pediatrician and have dedicated my life to my patients. No regrets here.

I realize this is an old post but I just found this thread. I want to say one thing about your post: Women aren't back stabbers. Bad people are, regardless of gender. Typically, as adults, women provide a lot of support for each other - assistance when each other is sick or when each other's children fall very ill, or tragedy strikes or when husbands fall short, and there are marital issues, etc. Sociology shows us that women take care of one another, typically.

Please don't let a horrible experience with bullies alter your perception about 50% of the world's population.

On another note, although anyone can change, my feeling is that the type of person who bullies
consistently as a child likely comes from a background that doesn't teach empathy and honor and I would be cautious in believing that as adults they were at core, different people. Even if they now have respected positions like as church leaders. Child bullies often learn as adults that they have to hide their cruel natures and be more subtle in the manner in which they hurt others. They can become very manipulative and charming.

I was horribly bullied as a child from 6th through 8th grades by gangs of girls who would seek me out, circle me, hurl an onslaught of epithets at me and mock Everything about me - my clothes mostly, calling me poor, ugly, etc.. They would surround me and eventually escalate to physically assaulting me. I was scrawny and isolated and scared.

My parents and brothers weren't having it, however. They taught me to stand up for myself, face my fears and fight. My mom offered to watch as i fought and one of my brothers actually rode me on his bike to find one ff my bullies and forced me to fight! The only time they ever stepped in was when I got in trouble for busting a girl's nose at school. My mom went in there and said, "No way. My kid has been harassed for weeks by this girl. She was defending herself."

I don't regret my experience with bullies. I am a leader, never a follower. I am stronger person. I know how to face my fears. Today, I don't remember most of their names.

I believe that usually, it is a choice whether we allow ourselves to be victims, and it is always a choice whether we allow negative people from our pasts to suck energy from us and to continue to affect our lives, years, even decades later.

Agonizing over reunions, or wanting to write letters so everyone knows what was done, or to seek apologies or to relish the thought of the childhood bully's demise, or to actually paint an entire gender with one, hideous brush, especially when the bullies probably don;t even remember you and have gone on with their lives (because they bullied so much and care so little they typically don't have a motivation to remember), is crazy to me. How do we give so much power to others? To others who may not be great people?

I live my life. I don't live in the past. I don;t give those knuckleheads a moment more of my life.

 

[Janedoe66]

My son-in-law was bullied in high school and tried to kill himself because of it. Kids can be so cruel and knowing you have to go back and face that cruelty every day must be a very hopeless situation. I wonder sometimes if the kids who were bullies knew how much pain they inflicted.

 

[Snick1946]

My son-in-law was bullied in high school and tried to kill himself because of it. Kids can be so cruel and knowing you have to go back and face that cruelty every day must be a very hopeless situation. I wonder sometimes if the kids who were bullies knew how much pain they inflicted.

No I really doubt the guy I am trying to avoid recalls much about me. I also doubt he has changed much. I ran into him a few years later at a sporting event and he was friendly- for about two minutes- then started in with the snarky comments about my job. Funny- according to what I see on Facebook and other sources he is a major player in some evangelical church. He's chair of the deacon board and has won awards as 'Christian Businessman of the Year.'
He'd be surprised that anyone has bad memories of him. Maybe it's better that way.