I’m so lost and need information

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I’m not sure where to go or whom I can ask about someone I’ve suspected for a very long time or where I could maybe donate DNA. Please hear me out. I have a family member who since a young age has tortured animals and even bragged about it. He used to light fires behind my grandmas house when we were all there for family gatherings. He had alcoholic parents, step fathers, and an abusive dad. He has alcohol problems himself. He’s psychologically abusive to his kids( I don’t know if he’s physically abusive). He is a long haul trucker, and was in the military. But the scariest thing is how absurdly charismatic he is. Everyone in my family LOVES being around him and ignores all the things I’ve mentioned above. He just has a way of wording things, making you laugh about almost anything, and making you feel like he’s super smart and knows more than you. My sibling and I have talked for years about him and it’s gotten to the point where we just want to tell SOMEONE, ANYONE to check him out. The problem is I have no actual proof of him committing any murders but I know with my whole being that he’s killing people. I’m guessing there are many people that feel this way about someone they know. I just can’t live with myself anymore if I don’t pass his information along to someone. What do I do?
 
Yes, I agree. Go to a police station, or call the police, and explain it to them.

Please do it. Write the points down so that you don’t forget them during the conversation. They will ask questions or seem somewhat skeptical but that is their job. You may have to go through the same things a number of times - that’s frustrating but is also part of the process.
 
I don’t know what you do sans proof. People LOVE sociopaths. It’s a tough job getting anyone interested in looking past the “show”. If you do try to dig into this, just be prepared to lose friends and family. My experience: They’ll take his side and you’ll be on the outs. I don’t mean to be negative, but just want to prepare you for reality.
 
I wouldn't go to the police, personally. If he's that charismatic he could charm some LE who does a cursory connection, with all the chuckles, eyerolls, and bro-bonding while meanwhile his brain is working a mile a minute. You could always submit your DNA and agree that it can be accessed by LE for matches to unsolved murders, etc. I wouldn't tell anyone in your family since you sound like an outlier from the rest of your relatives. You could find out where he was posted during his military career but without letting anyone know. Your personal safety is the top priority. You can't even let his children know, even though he abuses them. Stockholm Syndrome is real.
 
If this person is a blood relative, I would put my DNA out there on the major DNA sites for him to be discovered.

OR.....https://www.cbsnews.com/news/roxanne-wood-murder-patrick-gilham-genetic-genealogist-helps-solve-case-that-had-a-gnats-eyebrow-of-dna/

Get in touch with this lady and ask her what you need to do. Good luck! I ALWAYS trust my gut!

I would not contact local LE.....just not safe.
 
You mention this person is a long-haul trucker -- consider your state's Highway Patrol and Attorney General's offices.

I agree, go in TOMORROW but tell no once else what you are doing.

jmho etc
 
Great advice above.
I would listen to all of his BS stories to find out where he travels. Don't ask, just keep notes. I would give my DNA and I would contact a lawyer, they know the police and could give info without giving your name. Best of luck and keep us posted.
 
Thank you SO MUCH to everybody that posted and all the advice. I have felt like “i must be crazy or imagining things” because of my family’s obliviousness or willful ignorance. Fortunately and unfortunately I am estranged from my family so while they won’t know I’m actively looking into him it will be harder to get information. It’s also a bit difficult as I don’t live in the same state anymore. However, I am definitely going to file a FOIA to get his military information and I’m going to do some digging on social media and try to find out truck routes. I’m a little nervous the police are just going to give me the eye roll but I’m going to put all the points together like you suggested and find out the best way to and who exactly to contact. Thanks for the DNA info that’s also on my list! I truly appreciate all of your responses
 
1. you're a hero and I believe in you.

2. be careful. Put your safety first.

3. Tell no one, especially in your family or social circles, what you are doing.
The exception perhaps is it sounds like you are working as a team with your sibling or considering it. That has pros and cons.
Make sure you can trust each other. It is a danger to yourself and them.
but also, a huge safety net to have someone to tell where you are going.
and, I can not overstate this, the psychological benefit of not being alone in this would be priceless.
Only you can make this decision, make it well.

4. Keep a secure record of everything, especially a journal. Start now going forward and log everything you can. Start another where you go backwards and try to remember as much as you can. This needs to be kept very securely, you need at least one backup, and all copies need to be stored securely, whether that be physically locked or digitally passworded etc.

5. Purchase Consumer DNA test kits. One is enough but you can do several if you want. I haven't done any for a while so do your own research but I'd recommend the big ones: 23andMe, Ancestry.com, FamilyTreeDNA. Last I checked they were using seperate labs - no point doing 2 at the same lab.
You order them online, they send a kit, you swab your mouth or spit, send it back. They will email you when it's ready.
Then you log in and download your raw data - it's a little different at each but not hard.
Then you upload your data to GEDmatch and turn on the law enforcement option.
Important things:
a) if it turns out your not genetically related to him, it won't help, but it's still worth trying unless you know that for certain.
b) you could learn things you didn't know, like your genetic parents aren't who you thought or one of your parents had an affair or there is incest or rape in your family. If you can't handle something like that or you would rather not know then don't do it.
C) you also need to consider your other genetic relatives and your Sibling and their feelings and if they would rather not know things. You don't have to tell them
D) you might also learn things about your health possibilities same principle do you want to know

6. Its a rock and a hard place but my thinking is dont rush into going to the authorities, try to collect your thoughts and some kind of useable information first. You need them to take you and him seriously

7. It's possible for a sociopath to not commit any crimes. Be careful of confirmation bias.

8. It also possible for them to only commit crimes that can't be proven.
All you can do is all you can do.
 
investikater said:
1. you're a hero and I believe in you.

2. be careful. Put your safety first.

3. Tell no one, especially in your family or social circles, what you are doing.
The exception perhaps is it sounds like you are working as a team with your sibling or considering it. That has pros and cons.
Make sure you can trust each other. It is a danger to yourself and them.
but also, a huge safety net to have someone to tell where you are going.
and, I can not overstate this, the psychological benefit of not being alone in this would be priceless.
Only you can make this decision, make it well.

4. Keep a secure record of everything, especially a journal. Start now going forward and log everything you can. Start another where you go backwards and try to remember as much as you can. This needs to be kept very securely, you need at least one backup, and all copies need to be stored securely, whether that be physically locked or digitally passworded etc.

5. Purchase Consumer DNA test kits. One is enough but you can do several if you want. I haven't done any for a while so do your own research but I'd recommend the big ones: 23andMe, Ancestry.com, FamilyTreeDNA. Last I checked they were using seperate labs - no point doing 2 at the same lab.
You order them online, they send a kit, you swab your mouth or spit, send it back. They will email you when it's ready.
Then you log in and download your raw data - it's a little different at each but not hard.
Then you upload your data to GEDmatch and turn on the law enforcement option.
Important things:
a) if it turns out your not genetically related to him, it won't help, but it's still worth trying unless you know that for certain.
b) you could learn things you didn't know, like your genetic parents aren't who you thought or one of your parents had an affair or there is incest or rape in your family. If you can't handle something like that or you would rather not know then don't do it.
C) you also need to consider your other genetic relatives and your Sibling and their feelings and if they would rather not know things. You don't have to tell them
D) you might also learn things about your health possibilities same principle do you want to know

6. Its a rock and a hard place but my thinking is dont rush into going to the authorities, try to collect your thoughts and some kind of useable information first. You need them to take you and him seriously

7. It's possible for a sociopath to not commit any crimes. Be careful of confirmation bias.

8. It also possible for them to only commit crimes that can't be proven.
All you can do is all you can do.
Click to expand...

Outstanding!

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Ok so, again, thanks for all the great advice. I have begun the process of getting my DNA to GEDmatch. I used Ancestry.com.
Also, I had a long talk with my husband today. There were a lot of things about this family member that I just never told him because they were disturbing and I didn’t see any reason to burden him with the memories. Although I had mentioned in the past ( half joking) that I wouldn’t be surprised if this family member was a serial killer or violent offender.
While my husband has agreed I should do something, he has expressed concern because the family members does know where we live and we really can not currently spend thousands of dollars on a P.I. He has agreed that I should do the DNA and perhaps write detailed but concise and anonymous letters to the local police( in his area) and the FBI local field office as well as the FBI long haul truckers division.
I am also going to CAREFULLY and anonymously gather any information I can on him through anonymous social media, work history, old addresses etc. I’m now nervous about filing a FOIA about his military records because he may be able to track that back to me from what I’ve read.
Thanks so much for all the information. I feel incredibly scared but at the same time it’s a great release of guilt knowing that I’m no longer ignoring this terrible feeling and these suspicions I’ve had for decades.
 
Jackmeatball said:
Ok so, again, thanks for all the great advice. I have begun the process of getting my DNA to GEDmatch. I used Ancestry.com.
Also, I had a long talk with my husband today. There were a lot of things about this family member that I just never told him because they were disturbing and I didn’t see any reason to burden him with the memories. Although I had mentioned in the past ( half joking) that I wouldn’t be surprised if this family member was a serial killer or violent offender.
While my husband has agreed I should do something, he has expressed concern because the family members does know where we live and we really can not currently spend thousands of dollars on a P.I. He has agreed that I should do the DNA and perhaps write detailed but concise and anonymous letters to the local police( in his area) and the FBI local field office as well as the FBI long haul truckers division.
I am also going to CAREFULLY and anonymously gather any information I can on him through anonymous social media, work history, old addresses etc. I’m now nervous about filing a FOIA about his military records because he may be able to track that back to me from what I’ve read.
Thanks so much for all the information. I feel incredibly scared but at the same time it’s a great release of guilt knowing that I’m no longer ignoring this terrible feeling and these suspicions I’ve had for decades.
Click to expand...

Please speak with an attorney before doing any of this. *Nothing* is truly anonymous.
 
Jackmeatball said:
....While my husband has agreed I should do something, he has expressed concern because the family members does know where we live and we really can not currently spend thousands of dollars on a P.I. He has agreed that I should do the DNA and perhaps write detailed but concise and anonymous letters to the local police( in his area) and the FBI local field office as well as the FBI long haul truckers division....
Click to expand...
snipped for focus @Jackmeatball

First, anonymity: @Shamrock1 said: "Please speak with an attorney before doing any of this. *Nothing* is truly anonymous." <---This.

Atty-client privilege and confidentiality is/may be a critical aspect on two points:
- Ability to submit info anonymously to LE & other agencies (IOW, having atty, not you, submit to LE, if/when/where appropriate.)
- Hiring a "PI." When engaged by an individual, a “PI” or person gathering info is/would be gen'ly subject to subpoena, whereas a PI or person performing the same function when engaged by an atty is not. Atty-client privilege and communications confidentiality extend to the person and the work product generated.

Not clear to me what specific investigation you would hire a PI for now, ATM. There's no advantage to an investigator spending time w'out a clear objective. An atty you consult may narrow the scope of investigation that you may initially envision. An atty you engage will likely have paralegals in house to perform some investigatory tasks and likely will also have established contacts w experienced investigators for other tasks. imo

Do not throw CAUTION to the wind: Don’t be standing downwind if/when the stuff hits the fan. :eek:

Hoping one of our legal professionals will respond to your questions, either on this thread or by PM w you. Of course, only in a gen. sense, not as legal advice to you & your particular circumstance. But more than this, my oversimplified post.

Welcoming clarification or correction, esp’ly by our valued legal professionals. Wishing the best of luck to you and family.
 
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