Please don't feel ashamed. Self-harming is a problem for a lot of people - I self-harmed into my mid 20s and I'm not borderline. It's just a very unhealthy coping mechanism - it's a way of making us feel better. I'm going through this with my 14 year old now so I'm trying to teach her healthier alternatives in addition to counseling. I don't feel this is something anyone should ever feel shame or embarrassment over. You do the best with the tools you know how to use in order just to make it through. As we learn and grow, we develop better tools. At 30, I had butterflies tattooed over the worst of my scars to symbolize how far I'd come.
I'd argue too that you are an expert.
Experience accounts for a hell of a lot when it comes to personality disorders. You've lived it and, even more importantly, triumphed in spite of it. My ex was eventually dx'd as narcissistic & antisocial so it's hard for me to dismiss it when I see it too - and in Jodi, it's like a huge revolving neon sign. If I turn and twist I can kinda try to fit borderline - though I suspect her suicide threats were manipulative in nature and designed simply to control those around her. Narcissistic, antisocial, psychopathic fit her like a glove though. And like you so rightly stated - impulsivity, promiscuity, risk-taking, etc. are very common among the disorders. She certainly wouldn't be the first personality disordered person to be misdiagnosed. A good case in point is someone with narcissistic personality disorder also has a heightened fear of being abandoned but for very different reasons than someone who is borderline. At the least, imo, she's comorbid with borderline accounting for the smallest part.
Something I think points straight to psychopathy instead of PTSD though is what you mentioned...it isn't just that Jodi doesn't avoid dealing with the blood and gore of her crime. It isn't just that there's no anxiety indicators. It's that she practically revels in what she's done! From asking Flores to see the photos of the crime scene to sneaking sideways glances of the autopsy photos in court - and while testifying those 18 days, if one watches closely, disparaging Travis and recounting the details of that day are when Jodi comes alive. She's damn near gleeful. It's just so obvious she isn't at all traumatized by her actions.
All JMO and FWIW
ETA after catching up on the whole thread : By their very nature, psychopaths and narcissists ARE delusional. It's not the same thing as someone suffering psychosis - it's more a matter of them creating their own reality.
Every bit as much as he used threats of suicide to manipulate me, my ex also used his anger and rages to control my actions and reactions. He didn't rage, ever, when my focus was on him and I was doing what he wanted me to do. My exerting independence or concentrating my efforts on others would provoke his anger and he would cycle through a series of manipulators until I behaved. It always started with him sulking like a little boy and the silent treatment. The last manipulator was always a full on rage when furniture would get smashed to bits or a phone would get ripped out of the wall. It's an adult temper tantrum - they know what they have to do to get the response they want. My focus would once again be on him and I'd be on eggshells for weeks if not months to come, watching my every response and reaction. Because of that whole series of manipulators, I'd end up freaked out he'd kill himself and feel immense guilt and shame for not being able to give him enough time, love, devotion, etc. So for awhile, I'd be practically coddling him and making sure he knew how important he was to me. It was every narcissist's fantasy.
I wouldn't at all be surprised if Jodi's violent outbursts weren't very similar for very similar reasons.
