Can I ask a what may seem like a rhetorical question but I truly am curious and baffled...what about having PPD makes you want to murder your own children? What kind of thoughts can enter your mind after giving birth that are so sinister that death/murder are your only solutions?? I don't get it. Maybe I seem insensitive but in my mind you would have to be almost predisposed before you even gave birth to follow that path. I just don't see the connection.
I can only tell you my story.
This is horrible but I feel like I have to talk about what happened to me in 1985. I have never told a soul.
I had given birth the the most beautiful boy in the work world, by c section. Very rough labor before that. I had been trying to have a baby for years and had a 2 1/2 adopted son. I bonded instantly with both my boys and went on the breastfeed my son until he was 3. I had a strong support system and was active in church.
In 1985 it was when the horrors of AIDS was making news. I grew up and lived in Los Angeles during the height of the transmissions, before it was known. I had had a bisexual boyfriend years earlier.
A few weeks after my son was born I became obsessed that I had contracted AIDS from the bisexual boyfriend. I don't even think they had a test for it then. AIDS was a death sentence. And a horrible death at that. It was at that time a huge stigma to have AIDS. I became obsessed that not only did I have it but that I gave it to my son.
I had horrifying thoughts about having the disease and my son having the disease. I told no one. Anyone who knew me then would never have guessed what was going on in my head. I began to think that suicide was my only option and that I had to take my son, too, since I was sure I had infected him. I was convinced I was being punished for having sex before I was married and that I deserved to get sick. I even made plans to park my car in the garage and leave the engine on. I never took any action to do that and truthfully, at that time my garage had so much junk in it you couldn't park a tricycle in it.
I never told anyone but I did talk to my doctor about my fears about having AIDS and I was greatly assured that it was very unlikely that I could have contracted it. He told me it was pretty much impossible. I think at time there were few people who had gotten it from hetero sex. I finally was able to stop the thoughts and things were fine from there.
I had never heard of postpartum psychosis, although I was familiar with PPD. It wasn't until years later, reading about Andrea Yates, that I remembered my obsessions.
The reason I am sharing this is because people always say "Why didn't she just kill herself?" I can't answer that, obviously, but my feeling is that when you are in that kind of episode, sense doesn't make sense and nonsense rules. I became convinced that my son would have a miserable, painful life because of me. That I was doing him a favor, if you will. In that way, I can almost understand a mother killing their child because they have convinced themselves that they are saving them, like Andrea Yates thought she was saving her children.
I am so glad these things are talked about now. Had I known what was going on I would have hightailed it to my OB/GYN and gotten whatever help I could have but at that time I was ashamed. Ashamed that I could have gotten AIDS, ashamed I could have given it to my son and ashamed that I had such horrible, disturbing thoughts. I didn't realize that it may have been a hormonal reaction to giving birth.
For this woman who do survive their attempts they will have to live their lives knowing what they did. Life in prison or a mental hospital could not be a worse punishment then that. Instead of judgment and condemnation I have compassion for those who are truly in a psychotic state and really don't know what they are doing.
There are some who really just want to get rid of their children, or who want to punish people who love those children by taking them away. Those are evil people who should never breath free air again. But for those who are driven by irrational thoughts that they are not able to even recognize much less control, I pray for them. They will live in Hell for the rest of their lives, no matter what the punishment.