This ^^ ! Bare with me, this is long, but valuable grief/trauma wise.
Life experience gives me insight into this. My husband & I were separating, I’d moved out, and went to take my set of keys back to the house & pick up a few other things. He was supposed to be at work. When I walked into my home & found my husband laying unresponsive on the floor in the hallway, I was annoyed because I just was like “really he’s passed out drunk on a Tuesday morning?!” I called his name a few times, he didn’t respond, I tried to shake him awake & was horrified when I felt how cold he was when I touched his skin. I think now looking back I had to have known subconsciously he was gone, but in that few seconds, I remember thinking “OMG, WTF is going on, he needs medical help ASAP!!” Panicked, I ran out of the house & screamed for the guards (he was military, we lived on base) & within minutes the place was swarming with LE. That was around 10:45 am, for the next 30 mins, I was on the phone with 911, freaking out, all while our little girls ( 3&4 at the time), I remember getting so angry that the ambulance wasn’t there yet. I kept asking why, kept stating he needed help. I heard on a firefighters radio that was standing by me, that they were doing cpr, & they got a breath from him. We had two Preemies, our youngest was born not breathing & they worked on her for 5 mins before she started to breathe (born at 29wks), my point is that in my mind I was like “ok, this is really bad, but he’ll be vented for a week or so & be fine. This is the rock bottom that’ll turn him around. He’ll be ok.” Fast forward 5 mins when I flipped out & demanded to know where the F*ck the ambulance was; that I was then informed my husband was gone forever. Had someone not been standing behind me, I probably would have had a concussion because I passed out. We weren’t allowed to leave the scene for 6 hours. I was interviewed by OSI, CSI, LE- and honestly I don’t remember much of the convos. I was in massive shock, to the point I couldn’t open a water bottle lid. I couldn’t drink from it because I could NOT stop shaking. I couldn’t stop crying, I had zero control over it. I kept getting asked where my husbands hands were, & I freaked out because I couldn’t remember seeing them, so I was like “oh god, why, what do you mean?! Where are they?!”And then puked because I imagined he could possibly be missing his hands? Turns out they were asking because they were trying to find out if I had moved him, because hand placement can say a lot. I had zero idea, because it was clear I was innocent. At the time though, I didn’t realize I was being looked at as a possible suspect. My mind NEVER went there. I was grief stricken and in shock because it was real.
My point of telling my experience, is this ^^ is what real grief is like. You don’t have time to think, because you can’t think. Time isn’t rationally the same, your mind isn’t rational. Your mind wants to defy all sense of logic, you don’t care if you sounds stupid, because ALL you want is for your loved one to be ok. Your world is shattered & in your mind you’re truly trying to figure out how the impossible, might actually be possible. I had medical training, so logically I should have known he was dead when I felt him, but my heart wouldn’t believe it. Even to this day 4 & half years later, I even though I saw him multiple times in the casket, I’ll have a dream where he comes back to life, and when I wake up I’m effed up for days because I’m like ok could this happen though?! It sounds crazy, & I know it’s crazy, but that’s what real grief is like. You can’t control it, and it can/will hit you out of nowhere. Never for one second was I scared LE wouldn’t believe me, because I had nothing to hide.
@mtnlites story about her losing her child, I remember feeling a lot of the same sentiments. Hugs girl.
