I've hesitated for a long time to even post this. The similarities between the events of how I met my late husband and how SW and CW met are so striking. I think that's why this case bothers me to my core.
I met my late husband after the death of my grandmother. She was like a mother to me. When I lost her I was deeply depressed. Around the same time a long term relationship ended and I left the home my partner and I had purchased together. I was feeling sad, alone and lost so much so quickly. SW was in a similar circumstance after a divorce and health issues.
When I met my late husband he was 36. He put me on a pedestal. He'd never had a serious romantic relationship before (sound familiar??). My husband had dated, but never introduced any girlfriends to his controlling mother (again..sound familiar??!!). He told me he never wanted to bring home a woman unless she knew she was "the one." In my weakened state I took it as a compliment.
We had a short courtship and married quickly. As soon as he had me, he changed. Everything about me he claimed to love, my intelligence, my career, my independent spirit he hated. He was a college professor and his public persona was so likable. EVERYBODY loved him and remarked about how lucky I was to have such a great man.
There were a couple of times the police were called because of his screaming at me in the home. Twice the neighbors called. After we'd moved into a house and I was 2 months pregnant he was drinking and began to scream at me. I tried to leave the home and he took my car keys and cell phone away from me. We had a home phone and I was able to get away from him long enough to call the police. They came and made him allow me to leave to go to family.
It went on like this for our entire marriage. Once my child was born I was focused on raising her. He constantly insulted my mothering skills behind closed doors while on social media he praised me. His mother was vindictive and controlling and there's just too much to even go into here with her.
I eventually just gave up and stayed with him. I came close to leaving but he went into end stage renal failure and I didn't think I could leave then. What kind of a person leaves someone when they're in renal failure? So I stayed. The abuse somewhat subsided, but he had begun to insult me in front of our child. He took no responsibility for the finances in our home. He acted like he couldn't do anything. (But remember he had advanced college degrees...he was no dummy). He died at home in front of me from a heart attack. I did and still do mourn him. It's extremely difficult to process because I did feel relief when he died. One of my best friends who knew about the abuse said, "Well, I guess the good Lord took care of him." I have worked through so much of this through a therapist.
I don't know SW. I have no clue what their home life was like in private. But if CW is the narcissist he seems to be I can say with certainty SW was probably emotionally and verbally abused. It's beyond obvious that she was if you read the texts to her friends right before her death. He had her so off guard she didn't know what to do. That's what narcissists do.
While I don't think my husband would have annihilated us had I left, my therapist does believe he could have become very violent because statistically that's when things escalate. Since he'd already tried to physically prevent me from leaving before, there was no reason to think he would not have gone nuts if I'd left with his child.
My point to all of this is I hope that at some point mental health professionals can learn enough about these types of people to help there be an awareness about what to look out for in a potential mate. I've been with a wonderful man for 4 years now, and I honestly still jump and cringe if he moves suddenly around me or raises his voice. But he actually genuinely loves me for me, never calls me names, never undermines me, or disrespects me. It's a new world for me.
I wish that SW had been able to just get away from CW with her babies. I honestly wish I didn't even know who they were because that would mean this horrendous tragedy would have never occurred. While there are so many "theories" on Youtube about the crime, nobody is talking about the cause of the crime. Nobody is talking about the different forms of domestic abuse. I think the best way we can honor those beautiful people is by trying to educate ourselves and our loved ones about domestic violence. Sometimes it isn't just physical, it is emotional and verbal. I suspect (and this is just my opinion) that behind closed doors SW suffered verbal and emotional abuse that ultimately turned into the worst type of physical abuse possible..death. My prayer is that we can learn from this to help prevent other people from being targets of abuse.
Verbal abuse is so horrible. It makes the one being screamed at to hold it all in, walk on eggshells, makes it seem like it's her fault, makes her question all her own choices, her personality, her friends, everything about her life. Yet outsiders say "Oh you're marriage seems so great"
One of the worse aspects is that the screamer often does it only in front of others, where the person being screamed at simply cannot respond. It could be that the one who screams in public at a victim is like a dog who barks but doesn't bite (except inflicting deep emotional wounds), whereas the one who screams only in private may be more likely to go off the ledge and kill.
CW doesn't strike me as a screamer. As I mentioned before, (others have, too) he was more like a robot who was never allowed, or never learned to interact with others. I see this in children who grew up in violent households where the only way to escape being a target was to be the nice kid and make sure no one ever got mad at them. Not that these kids end up murdering, just that they go through life always trying to please, always the smile. But manipulation takes over since this person can never really express themselves if they sense the other one (anyone else) will not agree. (ie 4 years old, avoiding the fight in the basement while the older kids are beaten with a belt).
So here is CW, telling the demanding mistress that SW was on board with the divorce, while not telling SW anything at all except that he, poor guy, was unhappy, but even going along with a planned special weekend. So he is the one who did not scream in public at loved ones, did not scream in private at loved ones, no safety valve at all, although that is a pathetic safety valve for anyone. I think that is what Coder was alluding to, a "Chris Watts" murder, not following the typical buildup.
It sounds like you've created a good situation for yourself, I'm happy for you.