3:00 AM December 23, 1972
[It’s almost been a whole stinking, lousy year!]
[Sorry but I just got a stamp! ~ Feb 3, 1973]
Dear Mom,
I love you, oh mom what am I going to do! I can’t sleep no more at nites, I wake up from dreams, that leaves me frights.
I dream of you, and Daddy and Billy and Pose, and Jesse and Norma, I know its weird and sounds silly! I dream of being home, but wake up, and what happens, I’m all alone!
I am so scare out here,
I don’t like the atmosphere!
I walk the streets,
Oh God, if you knew the people I met.
Mom, I wanna come home,
Please understand, please!
If I thought you loved me, it would
put me being uptight, to ease!
Mom, I don’t know what to do!
All I can think of is you!
Mom, have you ever been lonely,
didn’t have no family to go to,
because they all hate you! Walk
streets, wondering what street to
take, know you don’t care, because
at least you’ll be going
somewhere, and whatever street
what difference does it makes.
I listen to different songs,
most make me feel like I don’t
belong. I feel so sad and blue,
I just want to make you guys
love me, as much as I love
you. I wish I could make you
see. Love me! Please, Mom,
Please love me! Oh God
love me, love me! please
love me! I can even go
to sleep at nites no-more. I
dream of one time, I was
walking down the street with my
suitcases, and Jesse and James
Hamilton was getting ready to
Get on the bus to Michigan and
I saw him, and I dropped my
suitcase, and I was so happy to
see him, and was crying, and
ran up to just hug him, and
I yelled Jesse, and he turned
Around and saw me, and I
Was getting ready to hug him, and
He said I hate you, Rose , I
hate your guts. He said don’t
ever come home again,
you’ve caused enough trouble,
and we all hate your guts so much,
we don’t ever want to here from you.
Then he got on the bus and looked
out the window, and I just stare at
him, and cried so hard, I didn’t think
I had anymore tears, and he just sat at
the window and cracked up laughing,
then mudged James and said something,
and James and Jesse waved there hand,
like get away you no – good Brad, and
they laughed and laughed.
I have a lot dream of the baby. I dream
of playing with him. I dreamed one time,
that I have to come home and Daddy was
the only one there, you guys was at Billy’s
and me and Daddy hugged, and kiss and stuff.
I was so glad to see him, and he took me where
you guys were at and I couldn’t wait to get inside.
I got out of the car and ran inside, and Pose was
looking out the door, and he opened it, and said
Rose you’re home finally, and we hugged and
Pose yelled, Rose is home and you came running
out and we hugged and hugged and we cried. And
then Norma came and said Rose I missed you so
much, I can’t wait to call Claire, and we hugged,
and then I said where’s Billy, because he’s who I
wanted to see so much. And you said he went to
pick up the baby, so then sat, and I never, felt so
good in my life, never. To bad it was only a dream.
Too bad, then I heard the car outside. I looked
out the window, and I saw Billy carry a big fat
baby in a bunch of blankets, then I don’t know
why but I was so happy, I mean righteously happy,
tears just poured and poured, and then I ran to the
door, and you said, Rose, take it easy, sit down in
the kitchen, and don’t let him know you’re here.
He came in and took the baby and said where’s Rose?
I ran to him and hugged and he said your finally home.
I didn’t want to let go and I heard the baby cry. I reached
out to him and he wanted me. It was like he loved me
and as I held him he smiled. We had dinner and I
never wanted to leave. I love everyone so much.
I woke up and then I tried to get back to sleep. But it was gone, what I wouldn’t do to have another dream like that. Now all I ever dream is you guys laughing at me. If you guys hate me all I can say is I don’t blame you. I understand but I just want you to know I love you. I’m used to going off by myself and crying, and it’s not hard for me.
Here’s a poem for you.
Stars! Stars are bright,
Stars give off light.
Stars make your love scene bright.
Stars shine and look brand new.
They refuse to come out when the sky’s blue!
They must like the night black.
Must bring good memories back.
I love the stars.
They get attention even though they are so far.
With all my love, your daughter, R. L. C
It’s not much, I know, but it’s a little.
Mom I wish I could get you guys to love me.
Give a hoot, don’t pollute!
Today’s my birthday,
so what is all I can say.
I’m 16 but I’m the same sad and cold.
I’m to blame I look like I did before.
Like I got hit in the face with a door.
I walk like I did before inherited it, my Mom’s to blame.
I don’t yet have strength,
my feet have the same length.
My legs are long, my stomach’s in outer space.
They need to belong, same old neck and ears.
Lonely tears and I live the way it appears.
In this funky big atmosphere.
God why can’t anyone see I’m not living.
I’m dying.
There’s all kinds of people mean and cruel.
Too bad we can’t combine.
Understanding and kindness would keep you happy.
Never push you from behind.
Lonely people I respect,
I consider myself a lonely aspect.
Black and white wanting to fight.
High class trip disrespect.
Might consider themselves one of us.
Why can’t they make one more friend?
Here I am in here, feeling sad and blue.
Drinking water wondering what to do.
Feel the walls creep close to me?
They don’t want me to be.
I’m the only one there,
room’s full of chatter and laughter.
Why does it always have to happen to me?
Maybe it’s something in me that you see and hate.
Why can’t they see I want to be understood.
Push me away because I’m shy.
That’s what they think,
don’t understand why.
Rose Cole