I'm going out on a limb here and will probably anger many of you. I mean no disrespect, however. Everyone will read what I have to say and then respond by thinking, "Well, look what happened to Missizzy's kids" She was far too trusting." Before I make my point, let me make it clear that I never allowed my youngest eight to go into their rapist's home. I allowed the rapist to play in our back yard. The abuse occurred in our school, a back yard fort, and the rapist's pigeon coop and garage. He was fast. Very fast. There was testimony that fondling took place when I was 20 feet away or watching from the kitchen window!! Class was in session just feet away from the restroom in which my son was raped. My son was 7 and the rapist 13. The rapist did not have permission to be in that restroom but the fact was, he was.
That said, I don't agree with children never being left with others. None of my children ever went to day care as I've always worked out of the home, so I didn't have to deal with that. However, they have gone to camp, to school, to doctors, to therapy sessions, to specialists, etc. The older and higher functioning ones had active social lives and even traveled out of the country with other families.
I feel very strongly, that after children become school-aged, more energy should go into safe-proofing the child--social training, role playing dangerous situations, and improving constant feedback and communication. It is human nature for children to want to protect their parents from upsetting information so they hesitate in disclosing things to us.
I firmly believe that the only reason this toddler shared her pain with her parents is that she was too young to have that inhibition. Think about it for a minute. A two year old will tell you the puppy bit her finger. The six year old will not. Why? The two year old does not have the inhibition to conceal and desires instant comforting. The six year old will internalize the situation and process it in such a way that she will consider the bite as partly her fault (she was warned not to bother the dog while he ate, etc). She'll rationalize that she made a mistake and thus she and the dog might get into trouble. Only a vigilant parent will notice the bite and ask nonchalantly about it. It's a toss up as to whether you'll even get the truth. Any child sex abuse survivor can speak to this phenomenon.
We, as parents, don't want to hear scary things. It's reflected in our facial responses and the sound of our voice. Kids "read" our response and shut down or change the subject. Whether it's a dog bite, spilled juice, or a frightening touch by the doctor; kids aren't sure how to proceed in sharing and getting help.
If we've been able to train an entire generation of kids to sleep on their backs as infants and to endure the discomfort of car seats and seat belts, surely we can train them to be safe with strangers and "helpers". We just have to start very very young and integrate it into all of our other safety teaching--healthy sexuality, healthy eating, physical safety in the community ie. walking, skateboarding, biking, taking the bus.
It's just not sustainable or emotionally healthy IMO to raise children with a deep distrust of others. I think this will create a very imbalanced teen and young adult who will either be frightened of everything or go the other way, and participate in risk-taking behavior to shock their parents. Just food for thought.
Please know that I recognize just how deeply all those here on WS love their children and how we all strive to keep them safe. No one knows that more than me.
LOL, I know I am late but I wanted to get in on this. I agree with you.
From the day Momma goes into labor, the natural road toward independence begins. With birth, the child learns to live physically independent. As an infant they begin to explore the world, and to learn some coping mechanisms, as well as how to communicate their needs. As a toddler they learn to walk then run. And as a school age their rush toward independence becomes a run. And those teen years with all the drama, are really a fight towards independence.
To go against that path toward independence is not in the child's best interest. And as social creatures, a part of learning to be independent is to learn how to act and communicate and work in a world of other humans.
To me it is a balancing act. And one that has to be age appropriate. For instance you would give more protection to an infant or young toddler than to a school age, communicative child. But gradually as you prepare the child you need to allow them more independence to allow the child put the lessons into practice. As an older toddler or school age, there is more supervision and communication (as well as observation), and in teen years it is more supervision, observation, attempts at communication (and prayer.)
To me it only makes sense to do it that way. Otherwise a teen that hits 18, but has always lived at the school age level with parents will not only act out, but will be poorly prepared to exist independently.
I always went back to work after my kids were born. My mother worked, so I had no choice. I had to have a sitter. The poor sitter never knew when I might show up at her door, as I did unannounced home visits and I was observant of their behavior on the way to, the way home from and their responses when they saw the sitter and her family. And I know that I was extremely lucky that I had a caring sitter. But in todays world, many times mothers must go to work. Or need to spend time in hospitals or family emergencies where kids do have to spend time with sitters. And yes, there is always a possibility that something bad could happen, no matter how careful I was. But with luck and care, I have kids who don't have problems in meeting strangers, who can communicate their needs to others, and who can function in jobs with their bosses and coworkers. Part of that is because they began doing it at very young ages.
There are ways to help ensure your child's safety. Ask for references and call them. Make sure the sitter knows you will be making unannounced home visits, and do it. Paying attention to your child's behavior's is of course essential. And also paying attention to your child's responses not only to the sitter, but also the sitter's family is just as important. And when your child begins to talk, always get them to tell stories about their day (spending time each day getting the sitter to talk about the child's day is also helpful.) Then all you can do is trust and pray.
But I always figured that the doctor's office was an exception. The child might need reassurance. The doctor might have questions for me. I needed to know about the problem and aftercare. And for the doc to take my kid off without me, and be gone even for minutes, yes I would be first curious then very concerned about why and what they did, even if I wasn't suspicious at first.
