Missouri Man Denied Adoption Because Of His Weight

[FlowerChild]

NOBODY comes with a hang-tag that says how long we will live. There ARE NO guarantees that the "perfect" pair of parents the same judge would pick would live out the month, just as the prospective obese father might outlive the judge.

Adoptions should be done without ANY significance being placed on the appearance of the prospective family. Perhaps they could testify from behind a screen? ALL the information necessary should be in the application - how the people LOOK shouldn't have any bearing - especially if their Dr deems them healthy enough to parent.

There are kids with NO PARENTS - I am sure any one of those kids would be thrilled to have parents - yes, even a VERY overweight father. We would all LOVE for every child to go to the "perfect" pretty, magazine photo family - Brad and Angelina maybe? But in MY opinion, perfect families have a lot more to do with what's INSIDE than what's outside. Sometimes the most picture perfect families are really UGLY to the core inside. Scott Peterson LOOKED the part of the perfect father - but we all know what his pretty exterior covered up.

Every day children are born into families that no judge would ever choose for them.....and the majority of those parents do a GREAT job of parenting despite the many issues they have to confront along the way - including divorce, death of a spouse or a child, bad health, obesity and living in near poverty. LIFE isn't fair or perfect and we ALL will have obstacles to overcome - and happily, most of us rise to the challenge time after time.

No judge can decide or predict which people will be the best parents by LOOKING at them - it isn't a beauty contest. And no judge can know what tomorrow holds for anyone. It would be great if "bad" people looked bad on the outside and very ill people looked sick on the outside - but they don't. And I agree with the poster who said - once we start judging people by a set of standards NOT related to the ability and suitability to parent we are on a very slippery slope....we don't restrict people giving birth to children due to being overweight - why would we consider it in adoption?

My Opinion

 

[Details]

No one knows how long anyone will live - but there are signs, and for an adoption, we want to do the best we can. We can't stop a morbidly obese person from having children, but when the state is handed a child, they should attempt to get the best possible parents for it. We can't stop druggies from having children either - but that's no reason to let a druggie adopt.

500 pounds - that's a lot. That's major health, job, and lifestyle impact. 300 would be a whole different matter, but 500 - that's a serious problem.

 

[Details]

Yes exactly, we try to teach our children tolerance of race, religion, appearance, sexuality but here we have a judge being discriminatory. This is so wrong, this does not judge whether he is a good person or not. What happened to what matters is on the inside not on the outside. This is dispicable. I am glad he is going to get the baby now it is better than the baby being in foster care.

It's on the inside that I think the judge is worried about. It's not about tolerance of appearances, it's about a medical condition that could drastically affect the little boy's life.

Being a little pudgy, even downright fat is one thing, but being morbidly obese is a really serious problem.


I suppose I am in favor of discrimination, when it comes to a child's right to a childhood. I just remember how ticked I was at that "I am Sam" (IIRC) movie (I only saw the commercials, but I think I got the gist of it) - the one about a retarded guy raising a kid, then going to court for the right to keep her. The kid is a premature adult, not learning the lessons a parent will teach her because he doesn't know them, not able to have a childhood, so many experiences because she has to take care of her father. If she goes to make a mistake - he doesn't know enough to stop her. All the sentiment, all the emotion, all the desire he might have had to raise her - doesn't mean he could. Doesn't make him the right parent for her. However sad it makes him - she's a person, her needs must be considered.

For this guy - the child's needs must be considered, his options must be considered. Is it in his best interests to be placed where it looks like the father may die, or become unable to do his job in the near future? Or is a foster home, or a different adoptive parent a better choice? What happens in this family if the father dies, or becomes disabled? Is the wife able to provide, or are the children going to suffer for it.


I think our adoption system needs massive overhaul - they aren't good enough at getting kids adopted out - between messing around too long with the lousy parents who lose their children, giving them back time and time again; making the adoption process far too long and involved, with far too high standards in some areas, too low in others - children spend too long in foster homes. They should be working more to getting them adopted to a family.

 

[nanandjim]

My best friend is trying to adopt internationally right now, so adoption regulations are fresh in my mind. In a perfect world, all kids would be happy and loved and taken care of by their biological parents. However, since that can't be the case, I think adoption regulations have to be strict so that the children receive the absolute best possible care, plus the fact that there are thousands of couples (or singles) who want a baby to love means that it becomes competitive. Someone brought up diabetes...you are not allowed to adopt from Russia if you are insulin dependent. In order to adopt internationally, you have to submit a complete mental and physical health report detailing any conditions you might have and, yes, they can deny you for many of them. As someone who is overweight and was raised by my grandparents, I still say that placing this child with a man in such obvious poor health would not be in his best interest when there are thousands of other healthy individuals who could take care of him. Of course no one can predict what is going to happen in the future, but a judge can do his best to give the poor little boy stability in the hopes that he will not suffer any more tragedy in his young life. I am glad that this has given the man incentive to become more healthy. If that is the case, then the judge made the right decision because it sparked a positive life change for the man in question which will, hopefully, lead to a better life for him and his family and the little boy.

Excellent and informative post. It's interesting to see that other countries take the prospective adoptive parents' health into consideration, too.

 

[rayray]

I haven't weighed in on this topic, because I was actually afraid of what I had to say. However.. I'm no longer afraid, and I am glad that someone is taking charge and caring for this child. That said, I don't think this man should be able to adopt this child. He is an addict. Sure, perhaps not alcohol, or drugs, but food.
I am adopted. The wonderful people who adopted me have raised me since I was 2 years old, and I love them with all my heart. However, my adoptive mother is an addict. She is an alcoholic.

Both addictions are deadly. They both cause you to die a slow, horrible death.

 

[southcitymom]

I haven't weighed in on this topic, because I was actually afraid of what I had to say. However.. I'm no longer afraid, and I am glad that someone is taking charge and caring for this child. That said, I don't think this man should be able to adopt this child. He is an addict. Sure, perhaps not alcohol, or drugs, but food.
I am adopted. The wonderful people who adopted me have raised me since I was 2 years old, and I love them with all my heart. However, my adoptive mother is an addict. She is an alcoholic.

Both addictions are deadly. They both cause you to die a slow, horrible death.

I too was raised by an alcoholic. I'll take that over being raised in foster care any hour of the day.

 

[Boyzmomee]

I too was raised by an alcoholic. I'll take that over being raised in foster care any hour of the day.

Ditto here and I'm a social worker.

 

[Utopia]

It's a nice idea? Wow, I haven't heard that kind of condescension since the last time someone tried to pat me on the head or give me money because I use a wheelchair. Its a lot more than a "nice idea" - disabled people have a right not to be discriminated against just like anyone else. QUOTE]



I was shocked at the source.

Boyzmomee, I think you may have misunderstood what I said - either that or I am misunderstanding your response. I'm pretty sure we're on the same page here. Can you clarify what you are shocked about so I understand. PM me if you like.

Thanks, Utopia

 

[Jeana (DP)]

I find discrimination and prejudice to be the villans, no matter where I find it.



I didn't have to put words in your mouth. You wrote them for all to read:

"Would they place a child in a home where the parents are blind? I don't think so. "

"I never said blind people shouldn't be allowed to have children. I'm saying they wouldn't be allowed to ADOPT a child."

Take responsibility for your own words.

I do and I stick by them. Of course every situation should be decided based on its merits.

 

[Boyzmomee]

Im not positive but I think she was saying she was shocked by the source meaning what Jeana typed.

Yes, that's it.

 

[Utopia]

Yes, that's it.

Thanks for the clarification!:blowkiss:

 

[Texana]

I don't agree WR--500 pounds is morbidly obese--Let him get a gastric bypass operation,then lose 200 pounds--Anybody that weighs 500 pounds is a walking timebomb and he could drop dead anytime--Then the adopted kid is instantly fatherless--Its not fair to the adopted child

There are lot of skinny abusive parents out there, Peter, especially the ones on crack.

 

[Details]

There are lot of skinny abusive parents out there, Peter, especially the ones on crack.

And lots more skinny wonderful parents. No one is suggesting the choice is between this guy, and some crack addict.

 

[philamena]

There are lot of skinny abusive parents out there, Peter, especially the ones on crack.

Texana,
Ain't that the truth?
We had neighbors a few years ago who, when they first moved in, were embraced by the entire neighborhood. Mommy, daddy, 2 little ones..... turned out mommy was a crackhead and the children were neglected while mommy got high all day. Didn't take long before others in the neighborhood put 2 and 2 together. Mommy lost lots of weight in a short amount of time, had sores all over her face and left the kids alone in the fenced in back yard for long periods of time.

Just goes to show you that a skinny parent doesn't equal a good parent and vise versa.

 

[Amraann]

There are lot of skinny abusive parents out there, Peter, especially the ones on crack.

I am pretty sure a crack addict would not be permitted to adopt either.

 

[LaWanda]

This is a link from an adoption forum that gives a little more info on Gary and a picture of him with his son and the baby he was hoping to adopt. He is a licensed foster parent in MO and the same judge who denied this petition was the one who granted the first adoption.

http://open.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/missouri-man-deemed-to-obese-to-adopt-up

 

[SewingDeb]

LaWanda,

From your link:
Well the hopeful good twist in this story is that the Dallas area Renaissance hospital, has offered Gary Stocklaufer a gastric bypass to help him drop the weight, on the house. The most recent article states that Stocklaufer has already traveled to Dallas after losing 60 pounds on his own, and will undergo the bypass procedure sometime in the next two weeks. He is hoping to be able to drop an additional 100 pounds after the surgery, and most importantly prove he is a fit father and see his son returned to his care.

-----
I think that's great!

 

[SewingDeb]

Philamena,

It sounds like she was on meth...maybe crack and meth do the same things to the body.

 

[southcitymom]

This is a link from an adoption forum that gives a little more info on Gary and a picture of him with his son and the baby he was hoping to adopt. He is a licensed foster parent in MO and the same judge who denied this petition was the one who granted the first adoption.

http://open.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/missouri-man-deemed-to-obese-to-adopt-up

Excellent find, this article. I always found it curious that the same Judge who granted his first denied his second based on a weight issue. It still strikes me as fairly insane and nothing I have read has changed my mind about that.

Here's to hoping that this little boy will be home in Gary's family soon.

 

[twinkiesmom]

I'm sorry Jeana, but I don't see it your way....I look in my child's eyes and see all the losses they've faced and would not wish those losses on another child. I think this kid belongs with family, and even if this guy kicked it at an early age, the wife is able to care for him...He would still be with family. Yes, it would be hard on him at that point, but how much harder would it have been to be shuttled from foster home to foster home?

There's an adoption agency in the Chicago area that has turned families away who are obese. These are obese people who are half this guy's size, no medical issues, dr. signing off on their overall health. If you are standing in judgement, where do you draw the line?

If we had chosen this agency (and likely been refused), my son would be dead by now. He was 31/2 and 28 lbs when we brought him home and too weak to walk up a flight of stairs. There is no waiting line of parents for 31/2 year old boys in Russia...they line up for the infant girls. He would not have survived on the little they were feeding him for much longer.