PA - Real live victim identified in child *advertiser censored*

[Filly]

Grainne Dhu, I am so very sorry for your pain. Sending love and light to you.

 

[fran]

Grainne Dhu.....{{hugs}}....to you sweety. What a terrible ordeal for you. I hope you're healed from this.

I too don't think it's fair to blame the parent(s). They don't always see what's going on when they're not around. Like Grainne Dhu said, it's usually NOT a stranger but someone trusted. The child's attitude or actions afterwards may not always be detected by someone who can recognize there's a problem.

That IS what makes it so difficult to detect these pervs. It's quite often someone you already have trust in to do the right thing. IMHO, these are the ones that do the most damage and have the larger number of victims because they are so hard to be detected.

Sad situation, IMHO,

fran

 

[liltigress]

Very good post, Grainne Dhu, thank you. You are surely a survivor.

Predators do look for what they believe is an easy target. I also agree that it is more often than not, they are no stranger. Most times they gain the trust of the parents and the victims before the crime then make that child feel it is their own fault, hence why many instances go unreported. These children are afraid, and conditioned.

 

[pixies]

pixies, I was molested for four months and finally raped when I was 12 years old. I never told my parents. My parents were loving, caring, the best parents in the world. They were never neglectful.

The man was a school counsellor and the reason I was seeing him was because my mother had cancer and was extremely ill. He told me that I was "forcing" him to molest me, that I was a bad girl and that if my mother found out it would kill her. Since my mother weighed about 80 pounds and was completely bald from chemo at the time, I truly believed him.

Some parents are neglectful, it's true. But the fact that a child is molested or raped by someone outside of the family doesn't automatically indict the parent(s) care for the child.

In my case, no one really noticed any change in my behaviour, I don't think. My stress meter was already pegged by my mother's illness, so I'm pretty sure I couldn't have acted any more stressed out. I'm convinced, in fact, that he probably first saw me as a victim because he knew my mother was ill--vulnerability is what predators look for.

I was assigned to see the school counsellor because my grades were sliding and I wasn't adjusting to junior high school (as it was called back then). In order to get away from him after he raped me, I sucked it up, requested that I not have to attend counselling any more since my mother seemed to be better and I worked like a maniac to get my grades back up to all A's.

Please don't automatically condemn every parent for not knowing everything about their child's life because it's not fair. It wouldn't be fair to condemn my parents for not noticing that I was upset at a time when the whole family was terribly upset.

I also disagree that this story is about a stranger raping this child. He was babysitting her for a period of at least three years, so he clearly was not a stranger. Rather, like the vast majority of child sexual abuse cases, he was someone well known to the child. The number of children raped by strangers is a tiny, tiny percentage of the number of children raped each year.

It isn't strangers that are the primary danger to children. I wish it were not so.

Sadly, I think a majority of us have been molested or raped. Last time I heard of any statistics it said 1 out of every 4 women in the US has been sexually assaulted. That makes me sick to think about.

By stranger in this case I meant someone other than a family member, and YES, I know most child molestation occurs in the family, (you better believe I know that) but it seems to me, you (not YOU) would have to be seriously insane or stupid to leave your child with an older man (with no apparent reason to be around your child, ie, no young kids of his own, no grandkids around) to babysit. YOU JUST DO NOT DO THAT.

Is it fair to the many good men out there? NO! NOT AT ALL! But instead of blaming us "PARANOID mothers" they should be taking to the streets and demanding child molesters serve more time, demand changing our laws that benefit the victims rights not the rapist. If it was 30 year old women with freckles molesting these kids you better believe I would totally understand why people would be worried about their kids in my care.

There is no one to blame except the men (and some women) who felt it was totally OK to pull the panties down on a child. That is where the blame starts but it does truly goes to the parents of the children who should have never trusted a man like this one.

It all goes back to parents need to WATCH their children. They need to take responsibility for their children and keep them safe. As a parent you have to know who your child is with and what they are doing even at school! Especially at school because anywhere there are children, Pedophiles are going to follow.

 

[pixies]

I don't know, Pixies.

Not certain this guy is a stranger. For all we know he's a relative. You know how manipulative these freaks are. They count on kids not telling. I absolutely understand what you mean, but well who knows? What is known is this little girl, man I can't even speak of it. I can't imagine. I don't want to.

He's a rotten, lousey though. Hopefully he'll suffer some horrific illness and get no help. May he languish in his own filth the monster.:furious:

Hey my friend!
I should have explained "Stranger" better. He is not a family member (I could not find anything saying he was kin) and he had no reason to be around this child at all.

Bad parenting and a pedophile has destroyed this little girls childhood.

I refuse to believe it has destroyed her life though. There is hope with good therapy and a real family.

 

[Grainne Dhu]

Grainne Dhu, I am so very sorry for your pain. Sending love and light to you.

Filly, thank you. I decided that living well would be the best answer to what happened and I've been extremely blessed in family, friends and love.

I love horses and I love your nick!

 

[Grainne Dhu]

Grainne Dhu.....{{hugs}}....to you sweety. What a terrible ordeal for you. I hope you're healed from this.

I'm nearly 60 now (where did the time go???) and I have been extraordinarily blessed in family and friends. Thank you.

I too don't think it's fair to blame the parent(s). They don't always see what's going on when they're not around. Like Grainne Dhu said, it's usually NOT a stranger but someone trusted. The child's attitude or actions afterwards may not always be detected by someone who can recognize there's a problem.

That IS what makes it so difficult to detect these pervs. It's quite often someone you already have trust in to do the right thing. IMHO, these are the ones that do the most damage and have the larger number of victims because they are so hard to be detected.

They are often quite charming, ooze sincerity and reliability. They're often patient and establish a level of trust before doing anything wrong.

And... I don't know how to put this because it sounds horrifying. I don't want to offend anyone, so if anyone reading this is easily upset, maybe it's time to stop reading here.




Often, if the pedophile is patient, the child is flattered and "in love" in the beginning. I know in my case, it was such a relief to have a grown up to talk to about all the awful things my mother was going through, who paid attention just to me at a time when I wasn't getting as much attention as usual at home. I knew, even at the time, that my mother was terribly ill and that my dad was coping as best he could with working and trying to do all the stuff my stay at home mom did (this was back when most mothers stayed at home!). But that didn't stop my feelings of loneliness and all the fear I felt. So the concentrated adult attention felt good, felt flattering and I was happier for awhile.

At first, a lot of pedophiles just push the boundaries a tiny bit--a hand strays a quarter of an inch too low or lingers a tenth of a second too long. It feels uncomfortable but it's over so fast that the kid wonders if anything really happened. And then the pedophile piles on more attention and possibly gifts, outings, special favours, etc. If the child doesn't like it, they feel uncomfortable because they feel obligated because they are accepting so much good stuff (attention, gifts, etc).

So it's not like one day the child is fine and the next day the child is distraught and freaked out. It can start out very slowly and build over quite a long period of time.

From what I've read, the man who molested and eventually raped me actually moved relatively quickly; I think it's because he knew he had such a hold over an unusually vulnerable kid.

If the child objects, the perpetrator pretends their feelings are hurt, tells the child that they misunderstood or (eventually) tells the child that it is the child forcing the perpetrator to do those things. Another ploy that predators use is to keep asking the kid if everything is okay, so that the child imagines they are giving their own consent to what is happening.

Even when the molestation gets very bad, there's often a lot of good stuff for the child mixed in, so that the child has seriously mixed feelings about the perpetrator. Which adds to the child's sense of guilt--they feel like they love the perpetrator and they feel disloyal for even thinking they don't like something the perpetrator does to them.

It is rape, there is no doubt in my mind. But it's a rape where the victim was often cajoled into participating, which does a terrible number on their minds. It can take a victim many, many years to realise that they really were the victim of rape, that they weren't capable of giving consent.

I don't know if I'm explaining this right. The sense of conflict and discomfort in the child often doesn't start right away, so that when the child starts showing behavioural differences, the pedophile is already an established part of the child's life and is less likely to be seen as the cause of any changes in the child.

 

[Grainne Dhu]

I refuse to believe it has destroyed her life though. There is hope with good therapy and a real family.

I totally agree with this!

Even without therapy, a good family can work miracles. Human beings are really amazing creatures, in both the good and the bad senses.

 

[SewingDeb]

Filly, I would really like to hear from the co-worker(s) on how this perv brought it up and if he actually thought they would enjoy looking at it.

It just blows me away!

 

[maur33]

I also disagree that this story is about a stranger raping this child. He was babysitting her for a period of at least three years, so he clearly was not a stranger. Rather, like the vast majority of child sexual abuse cases, he was someone well known to the child. The number of children raped by strangers is a tiny, tiny percentage of the number of children raped each year.

It isn't strangers that are the primary danger to children. I wish it were not so.

Yup, that's it exactly...sometimes it isn't the people out there that you should be afraid of...most times it's the people you lock yourself in with that you should fear.

Most children are molested by family or friends. I don't know of one single adult who has told me that they were molested as child and that their molester was a stranger...not one.

 

[Salem]

Grainne Dhu, I am so very sorry for your pain. Sending love and light to you.

(((((((Grainne Dhu))))))) I too am very sorry for your pain. It must have been a hellish time for you.

Salem

 

[liltigress]

Exactly, Grainne Dhu, you put an aweful lot into that post.

I have often described this as the child being "seduced" but not many can comprehend the definition of that to it's entirety. It really is a seduction.. manipulating but wooing a child, the predator's way of making it ok. That, and the guilt the predator puts on the child if she doesn't follow right along.

They will go to great lengths, won't they?

Thank you so much for sharing that. You're a strong one. (((Hugs)))

 

[Salem]

I do still think the parents needs to be investigated, just based on the length of time this abuse covered. Previously I said just the mother, but the reality is both parents should be looked at. They may be totally innocent, but 3 years is a long time. There must have been a clue.

After reading Grainne's comments, and thinking about some of the things that have been exposed in Brooke's thread (under trials), I do have to take a deep breath. Parents need to be educated about this stuff. Parents should be on the look out for those people their kids might want to spend alot of time with and well as those the children try to avoid.

I think it is normal for parents to be leary of those people the children complain about. We all expect if something bad was happening to our child, they would be unhappy. Now we need to extend that "education" to include people the children might be "overeager" to see. I think this "overeager" part really starts when the Pedo is beginning to apply the pressure and is really showering the child with gifts, attention, etc.

It all just boggles my mind today!

Salem

 

[Filly]

Filly, I would really like to hear from the co-worker(s) on how this perv brought it up and if he actually thought they would enjoy looking at it.

It just blows me away!

Right SD. I mean how in the good Lord's name does something like that come up in conversation?

 

[Filly]

Well at least this predator is still behind bars as of 2019 and looking at another ten.

These kids. Babies are teens. Grown. Praying they have gotten great counseling and are survivirs.

Looking back how I worded the topic thread is sooo wrong. Every child, woman or man of a sexual assault is a REAL LIVE ViCTIM! Just because this fool a## pervert showed coworkers doesn't make it different.