PTSD sufferers - please post here

[Gecko100]

My whole anxiety problem is pretty much my fault

When I was fifteen I had gotten raped and blah blah, I wasn't feeling really good so in the middle of one of my high school classes I ingested about two or three handfuls of "Magical" mushrooms. I went off to my second class and started "tripping" out, predictably.

But I had a really bad trip and when I was found out I got taken to the office where the security guard told me "The reason you're hallucinating is because the mushrooms you had were poisonous. I know you didn't take them alone, and if you don't tell me who gave them to you they will die and you will be charged with his death."

I freaked out and told him (And got threatened and beat up and called a narc because of it), and my mom decided to take me to the emergency room. Literally the last thing I remember is sliding out of the wheelchair and screaming as loud as I could because the crazy nurse was giving me a shot.

Marijuana brings on flashbacks, I quit doing drugs not that long after and had lived a relatively normal life until I got my wisdom teeth removed, did you know if they give you too much laughing gas you start to hallucinate? And a couple days ago I was sleeping ad had a dream that I started to hallucinate, I ended up kicking my dog out of the bed and smacking myself awake.

I figured that I didn't need therapy, but I've been rethinking it lately.


ETA. I don't know if I actually have PTSD or not. Since only really specific things set off my anxiety it could just be regular old anxiety.

Oh gosh that's awful, and absolutely in no way are you at 'fault'. The rape alone is enough!! Doing what you did afterwards is perfectly understandable, and is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. Then to receive further punishment on top of it is excruciatingly painful. I hope you do see someone, and learn to let go of the 'it's my fault', because it clearly isn't. :seeya:

Sorry, I really should have stopped at one post, but I'm a bit jittery.

 

[Gecko100]

I don't beleive for a second that she has PTSD or that she does not remember. I don't think TA abused her physically either. She has no symptoms that we would normally asscoiate with someone who has been physically abused. Do I think TA was a great guy? Not when it came to women and I think there was emotional abuse in the way he treated her. But even that I think it richocheted(bad speller!) off her. I have known several women who were truly beaten down from emotional abuse..and JA isn't one of them. But even if he had treatly her horribly, there was no threat to her saftey or life. They had a unhealthly, mutual manipulative relationship. To me, the evidence is overwhelming that this was premeditated murder. As far as one juror buying it, I agree...I think Juan Martinez is at fault. I'm clearly not a fan of his and I think he is blowing it.

Hello Crimesnooper, I just wanted to chime in and say, that when I tell people I have PTSD, they look at me quizzically. If I don't tell them, then from my demeanor they would not be able to guess. People often say I'm such a 'calming' influence. I was the 'go to' person in a crisis.
It may be that I have a professional mask, personally, I think it's because I'm numb and don't give very much away in my non-verbals. I even have trouble crying.
At times, I do shake a bit uncontrollably though. My friend, who is also a social worker with C-PTSD, shakes like a washing machine all the time.
It's better than Botox though!:seeya:

 

[ATasteOfHoney]

Hello Crimesnooper, I just wanted to chime in and say, that when I tell people I have PTSD, they look at me quizzically. If I don't tell them, then from my demeanor they would not be able to guess. People often say I'm such a 'calming' influence. I was the 'go to' person in a crisis.
It may be that I have a professional mask, personally, I think it's because I'm numb and don't give very much away in my non-verbals. I even have trouble crying.
At times, I do shake a bit uncontrollably though. My friend, who is also a social worker with C-PTSD, shakes like a washing machine all the time.
It's better than Botox though!:seeya:

Gecko---I'm thinking you might want to give yourself more credit. You have educated yourself about PTSD. You are mindful and compassionate. Therefore, you have a deeper level of knowledge and understanding and maybe that is what people see as your "calming" type of demeanor.

 

[UdbCrzy2]

I got PTSD not from experiencing any trauma, but from being a homicide survivor when my son was brutally murdered.

Nightmares, restlessness, not eating, very quick startle to any loud noise (especially the phone ringing), hands shaking, whole body shaking when defendant was present during any hearings or during trial.

It's a nasty thing. I feel better now, but still have some of the symptoms and don't sleep like I used to.

 

[pamelahl1]

Nightmares. I have had nightmares that have caused me to damage the drywall next to my bed. I have caused myself to hurt my feet and ankles from kicking the footboard of my bed. I have hurt my wrists and hands during these nightmares because I have hit the wall. The nightmares are sometimes an acurate "reliving" of my experiences, but my nightmares can just be sprinkled with pieces of those experiences mixed with pure blackness, and such an extreme feeling of horror & fear of that black, that I fell I need to fight to get away from the black. I understand why I have these particular nightmares. In reality, I have been choked to the near point of passing out and the process was not a quick one for me. The state of not being able to take a breath had me trying anything to remove his arm. I swung my arms in every direction, I tried to poke at his eyes & grab his face. I pounded on his arm and any part of him that I could reach. I tried to twist my head & neck out from under his arm while I kicked. I was able to open my jaw wide enough and bite him as hard as I could, and actually bit my own lip as well as the inside of my cheek. It was then that he pulled back & I fell like a wet noodle to the floor and then my body started jerking. I was gasping for air, and my arms & legs were jerking around and I was not able to control what my body was doing. During this choking, I went from being able to see, to seeing in a blur, to seeing blackeness with flashes of light and finally to pure blackness. After being able to breathe, I went through sort of a reversal of that...pure black, to black w flashes, to the blur, and finnally my vision was restored but things were spinning & I was very "dizzy" in my mind. I hate the dark now & I need to have a light on in a room if it is even slightly dimly lit. I sometimes cannot sleep for days at a time. It's been 4 yrs now, but the memories are just like yesterday and can pop into my mind whenever they want. When they do, sometimes I can figure out what sparks the memory, but other times I cannot. Memories of this struggle (as well as other times of being hurt by him) pop in at any time they want to and almost always when that happens, the nightmares will start all over again. Nightmares.

 

[Gecko100]

Gecko---I'm thinking you might want to give yourself more credit. You have educated yourself about PTSD. You are mindful and compassionate. Therefore, you have a deeper level of knowledge and understanding and maybe that is what people see as your "calming" type of demeanor.

Dear Tasteof, are you following me around saying lovely things? haha That was a very nice thing to say to me! It's one of my deepest issues not being able to acknowledge that I have any skills of any sort. I struggle with it daily.
I want to go back to uni for a phd, but it scares the life out of me, and I'm getting so old that my teeth might fall out and I wouldn't be able to smile for my graduation photo's:floorlaugh:
Being ignored/silenced as a child has horrible consequences, but it's not over until it's over, and I'm still breathing so who knows?

 

[Gecko100]

Respectfully snipped.

Medication is so unpredictable.
Do you feel like a guinea pig like I do?
I stopped taking some drugs when I saw that the company producing them was in class litigation for causing death. I know that drug to be the 'drug of choice' in PTSD treatment where I live. So although I'm on antidepressants, it has taken ages to get one that actually stabilises me, and even then I just manage, so I could probably do with something else, but am reluctant to pursue it because of the changes it will inevitably make to my poor body.
I'm so over it...
I'm so sorry, I was so 'respectfully snipping' I snipped the poster!

 

[ADoyle]

I also have PTSD from sexual abuse as a child, and being in an abusive relationship myself. I've had nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks with hyperventilating, and even developed claustrophobia after my abusive relationship because he tried to isolate me. I have spent years in therapy and have taken medication in the past, but so far, I haven't needed medication in 11 years.

 

[ATasteOfHoney]

Dear Tasteof, are you following me around saying lovely things? haha That was a very nice thing to say to me! It's one of my deepest issues not being able to acknowledge that I have any skills of any sort. I struggle with it daily.
I want to go back to uni for a phd, but it scares the life out of me, and I'm getting so old that my teeth might fall out and I wouldn't be able to smile for my graduation photo's:floorlaugh:
Being ignored/silenced as a child has horrible consequences, but it's not over until it's over, and I'm still breathing so who knows?

Well, Gecko....you are wonderful in the sense that you are boldly honest and truthful which I find amazing and highly admirable (even if you are a bat--lol)!:Banane18:

I totally can relate to the late PhD thing but one thing is certain: no one owns or has an advantage on *time*......and it just goes by no matter what. I say stick your toe into the water and see what happens! Good luck!

 

[Gecko100]

Well, Gecko....you are wonderful in the sense that you are boldly honest and truthful which I find amazing and highly admirable (even if you are a bat--lol)!:Banane18:

I totally can relate to the late PhD thing but one thing is certain: no one owns or has an advantage on *time*......and it just goes by no matter what. I say stick your toe into the water and see what happens! Good luck!

Thanks once again! Everyone on this thread is amazing! One of the awful things about PTSD is that it is soooo isolating. It's great to have a place to just relax and not feel judged or alone and get it out there. I think everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief when they can see that someone somewhere is having exactly the same experiences as them, and often for the exact same reasons. If I can use the trauma for that, then it's worth it.
I enjoy being a bit batty, my life is so much more colourful!:seeya:

 

[Beccaboo]

Hello Crimesnooper, I just wanted to chime in and say, that when I tell people I have PTSD, they look at me quizzically. If I don't tell them, then from my demeanor they would not be able to guess. People often say I'm such a 'calming' influence. I was the 'go to' person in a crisis.
It may be that I have a professional mask, personally, I think it's because I'm numb and don't give very much away in my non-verbals. I even have trouble crying.
At times, I do shake a bit uncontrollably though. My friend, who is also a social worker with C-PTSD, shakes like a washing machine all the time.
It's better than Botox though!:seeya:

I think we are have a mask we present. I think it is part of finding a way to live with it. I have always been the go to person in a crisis. I have had people telling I have such a calming influence on them. I often wondered how they could look at me and not see the chaos the was always right under the surface. Give yourself more credit. You have developed coping skills that have allowed you to be a positive presence in the lives of those around you. JMHO

 

[Gecko100]

Bump.
Keep talking everyone, it's a nice quiet place if you are feeling a bit 'off'.
I hope everyone is doing well. I'm struggling a bit with meds not working, and here we go with the guinea pig scenario again. Sigh...
Sometimes I wish it would all just go away

 

[Justiceforever]

View attachment 32820

 

[cindysue]

I had a very good childhood, my problems came the year after HS. At a party I was drugged and raped for what seemed like hours, a few months later my best friend was murdered . I ended up marrying a person that stalked me for four years and would cause anyone that showed interest in me to regret it. And after years of this I decided to end the insanity and just be with him and no longer try and date.( I was young and wish I had a way to move out of the area then instead. ) after 15 years of marriage and doing exactly what I was told, or else. After 15 years of his drug abuse and alcohol abuse and after me suffering every abuse in the book. I was just completely empty inside. I don't remember most of the abuse, but I remember the neighbors calling the police or asking if I was ok the next day. I don't like the fact that even to this day after being away from him 16 years I still can't remember things , even in the years since I left I can't remember many things, my family says how can't you remember your child having this or that, or what you did just last year, I can't seem to remember much of anything , I have panic attacks, bad startle response , fearful of things, don't enjoy going out in public, many phobias , I dont have self esteem , I think it's a little better but still pretty bad after 16 years out. I don't want to discourage people, I do think I would have been better off with some kind of therapy.

 

[Gecko100]

I had a very good childhood, my problems came the year after HS. At a party I was drugged and raped for what seemed like hours, a few months later my best friend was murdered . I ended up marrying a person that stalked me for four years and would cause anyone that showed interest in me to regret it. And after years of this I decided to end the insanity and just be with him and no longer try and date.( I was young and wish I had a way to move out of the area then instead. ) after 15 years of marriage and doing exactly what I was told, or else. After 15 years of his drug abuse and alcohol abuse and after me suffering every abuse in the book. I was just completely empty inside. I don't remember most of the abuse, but I remember the neighbors calling the police or asking if I was ok the next day. I don't like the fact that even to this day after being away from him 16 years I still can't remember things , even in the years since I left I can't remember many things, my family says how can't you remember your child having this or that, or what you did just last year, I can't seem to remember much of anything , I have panic attacks, bad startle response , fearful of things, don't enjoy going out in public, many phobias , I dont have self esteem , I think it's a little better but still pretty bad after 16 years out. I don't want to discourage people, I do think I would have been better off with some kind of therapy.

That sounds just horrible! I can't imagine how you feel. The isolation is so hard. I feel very cut off just like you do. It's never too late to try therapy, it feels good to have someone who validates your experiences. If you do go to therapy, which may be expensive if you are in the US, try and get someone who specialises in trauma therapy. I was lucky enough to find a therapist who also had PTSD, it's such a relief to find someone who understood, it made a lot of difference. I'm not there yet, by any means even after 8 years, but having a support team is invaluable. I am seriously considering starting a group in my area, because resources are woeful.
It has taken me ages to piece together my childhood, and some memories are still still locked away in there. It's natural defence at work.
I hope you continue to improve.:seeya:

 

[mawt28]

Sometimes PTSD doesn't happen as a result of a physical trauma on oneself, it can happen to those who were around at the time of the traumatic event.

For example, I suffer from PTSD as a result of multiple tragic and traumatic events:

March 2010 I took my 21 year old son to the ER for strange and erratic behavior, he kept banging his head into the walls of our home (personally I thought he was on drugs). A few of my other children had come to sit with us while waiting for the lab results to come back before admitting him into inpatient counseling. As a precaution the ER doctor performed a CT scan to make sure he had not suffered a concussion from all the head banging. Within 10 minutes of the CT scan the room filled with nurses, doctors and a social worker----the CT scan illuminated a peach size tumor in his right frontal lobe, which turned out to be a Glioglastoma.

I remember every single detail even the thoughts I had when several nurses came in with the doctors and social worker....I thought....'this is not going to be good news" before a single word was even spoken. I remember listening to the doctors, the explanations, the fact he would not be going to an inpatient center, that this was the reason for his strange, erratic and violent behavior. Of course my triggers are ER's....not hospitals in general...but the ER specifically.

My husband (who is afflicted with Huntingons Disease) attempted suicide several months after our sons first brain surgery (who by the way was also diagnosed with Huntingtons Disease). We had been arguing throughout the day and into the evening. I left the home for a short time to take our granddaughter to her mother....when I returned my husband was in bed with the covers over his head. Thinking he was just trying to ignore me, so I ignored him back. After taking my shower, I crawled into bed and noticed that he was really serious about the ignoring me thing....it didn't take but just a few minutes for me to realize that he in fact was not ignoring me after all. At this point I didn't realize he had attempted suicide.

I met EMS at the hospital where my children were already present....the doctor took me aside and asked what had happened I explained about the arguing through out the day, having to leave the house and coming back and finding him in this comatose state, the doctor asked for a list of medications that he takes for his HD.....I still didn't know at this time that he attempted suicide. When I walked back into the hallway...one of the girls stood up and asked 'what did you do to daddy?' I was already wounded from my sons cancer, panicked from my husbands suicide attempt but then to add injury to injury was my children's accusations.

Husband spent five days in ICU before becoming coherent....My children and I took turns staying in the room with him. On the night my son stayed with dad, he decided to take pictures of my husbands body....bruises, pinch marks, etc., (injuries caused by EMS while performed CPR, lifting and transporting) to talk to an incoherent man who kept mumbling 'your mother is so mad' and decided to call adult CPS on me to accuse me of trying to kill their dad. Third traumatic event....

I am not the same person I was before these three traumatic events....I panic when my husband and/or son are out of the room for a certain length of time. I disassociated from friendships and relationships. I stopped being the kind of mother who cared anymore...I didn't (still don't want to but I do) want to babysit my grandchildren any more (some out of fear that if something happened to the babies who I be blamed?) While I raised 6 children (3 boys and 3 girls) a trip to the ER meant stitches and casts, but now I panic at the thought of anyone going to the ER. I have panic attacks almost daily sometimes several in a day.

My children and I reconciled though they never did apologize for their accusations and calling adult CPR...only saying they felt it was their duty. But I do not have the maternal feelings I once felt for them. My husband now has home health to care for his physical and medical needs which leaves us room to friendship instead of caregiver/patient relationship. My son, after two surgeries, radiation and 2 years of chemo is in a phase of remission.

You would think -- so everything worked out in the end -- but I still suffer from the trauma while everyone else seems to have moved on.

 

[Gecko100]

Sometimes PTSD doesn't happen as a result of a physical trauma on oneself, it can happen to those who were around at the time of the traumatic event.

For example, I suffer from PTSD as a result of multiple tragic and traumatic events:

March 2010 I took my 21 year old son to the ER for strange and erratic behavior, he kept banging his head into the walls of our home (personally I thought he was on drugs). A few of my other children had come to sit with us while waiting for the lab results to come back before admitting him into inpatient counseling. As a precaution the ER doctor performed a CT scan to make sure he had not suffered a concussion from all the head banging. Within 10 minutes of the CT scan the room filled with nurses, doctors and a social worker----the CT scan illuminated a peach size tumor in his right frontal lobe, which turned out to be a Glioglastoma.

I remember every single detail even the thoughts I had when several nurses came in with the doctors and social worker....I thought....'this is not going to be good news" before a single word was even spoken. I remember listening to the doctors, the explanations, the fact he would not be going to an inpatient center, that this was the reason for his strange, erratic and violent behavior. Of course my triggers are ER's....not hospitals in general...but the ER specifically.

My husband (who is afflicted with Huntingons Disease) attempted suicide several months after our sons first brain surgery (who by the way was also diagnosed with Huntingtons Disease). We had been arguing throughout the day and into the evening. I left the home for a short time to take our granddaughter to her mother....when I returned my husband was in bed with the covers over his head. Thinking he was just trying to ignore me, so I ignored him back. After taking my shower, I crawled into bed and noticed that he was really serious about the ignoring me thing....it didn't take but just a few minutes for me to realize that he in fact was not ignoring me after all. At this point I didn't realize he had attempted suicide.

I met EMS at the hospital where my children were already present....the doctor took me aside and asked what had happened I explained about the arguing through out the day, having to leave the house and coming back and finding him in this comatose state, the doctor asked for a list of medications that he takes for his HD.....I still didn't know at this time that he attempted suicide. When I walked back into the hallway...one of the girls stood up and asked 'what did you do to daddy?' I was already wounded from my sons cancer, panicked from my husbands suicide attempt but then to add injury to injury was my children's accusations.

Husband spent five days in ICU before becoming coherent....My children and I took turns staying in the room with him. On the night my son stayed with dad, he decided to take pictures of my husbands body....bruises, pinch marks, etc., (injuries caused by EMS while performed CPR, lifting and transporting) to talk to an incoherent man who kept mumbling 'your mother is so mad' and decided to call adult CPS on me to accuse me of trying to kill their dad. Third traumatic event....

I am not the same person I was before these three traumatic events....I panic when my husband and/or son are out of the room for a certain length of time. I disassociated from friendships and relationships. I stopped being the kind of mother who cared anymore...I didn't (still don't want to but I do) want to babysit my grandchildren any more (some out of fear that if something happened to the babies who I be blamed?) While I raised 6 children (3 boys and 3 girls) a trip to the ER meant stitches and casts, but now I panic at the thought of anyone going to the ER. I have panic attacks almost daily sometimes several in a day.

My children and I reconciled though they never did apologize for their accusations and calling adult CPR...only saying they felt it was their duty. But I do not have the maternal feelings I once felt for them. My husband now has home health to care for his physical and medical needs which leaves us room to friendship instead of caregiver/patient relationship. My son, after two surgeries, radiation and 2 years of chemo is in a phase of remission.

You would think -- so everything worked out in the end -- but I still suffer from the trauma while everyone else seems to have moved on.

What a terrible thing to lose your children's support, however well meaning it was. That's not very helpful at all, and there were so many things you needed support with, it's like saying you're sick, but you don't look sick.
I have some issues in that area too with my SonIL who knows absolutely everything, - or he thinks he does. Mr. no help at all! I'm glad to hear things are a bit better, but look after you too, you did and are still doing a big job!:seeya:

 

[Gecko100]

I seriously hope that none of you here are bummed out by people making jokes about PTSD.
It's pretty distasteful, and discouraging - whether you have it or not.
I'm a bit annoyed at it.

 

[Justiceforever]

I seriously hope that none of you here are bummed out by people making jokes about PTSD.
It's pretty distasteful, and discouraging - whether you have it or not.
I'm a bit annoyed at it.

I haven't heard these jokes you speak of.

I can say, if I did hear any one laughing at the suffering of others, I would pray for them, for they are more fortunate then us (until fate deals them an ugly hand) and probably couldn't handle the pain, should it come upon them.

We are strong.

 

[Gecko100]

I haven't heard these jokes you speak of.

I can say, if I did hear any one laughing at the suffering of others, I would pray for them, for they are more fortunate then us (until fate deals them an ugly hand) and probably couldn't handle the pain, should it come upon them.

We are strong.

Good for you! I've read occasional posts which are less than understanding, and even minimising. I can't post in the main threads because it triggers my feelings of being silenced and oppressed as a child/woman because I hold different views.
It's very likely not the same for everyone with PTSD, because my views are politically motivated. I can't equate some people's story to my own, simply because I didn't experience the same trauma.
We are exactly the same in our reactions to it, but the origins differ.
The origins of mine are around being silenced and oppressed as a child and woman. Those very same issues led to my work in child protection, but were again compromised, - by similar people, so my viewpoint by and large has to be political if I am seeking social change.
That's quite different to a single event, but in no way less traumatic.
So I need to shield myself from things that represent my trauma in much the same way as everyone else. Which is hard for me, because I live in society and can't escape it.:seeya:
I hope everyone is doing ok, this is an exhausting and very traumatic case.
Keep posting!