I feel nothing other than empathy and compassion for Leanna, and have felt that way from the very first. I cannot imagine the horror of learning that my precious baby had died from watching the news on a TV in a lobby as I waited while others tried to locate my husband. Nor can I begin to fathom the nightmare of having my husband arrested on the same day as I lost my son, for killing that son, in a way I knew, and knew that he knew, was unimaginably terribly painful in every way imaginable.
IMO, Leanna was still in shock at her baby's funeral. How could she not be? She is also a deeply religious woman, who seems to be trying, at least, to walk the walk of trusting God has reasons for everything, and that hers is not to question His wisdom. In that context, I don't find what she said about Cooper being spared pain by leaving here strange at all, nor her remark that she wouldn't bring him back if she could.
The reason why she wouldn't, she made clear, is that it would be selfish. She would bring him back for herself, yes. She expressed in her victim impact statement the total devastation she feels at Cooper's loss, and that she expects to grieve for him for the rest of her life. But to bring him back just for her, to take him away from where he is perfectly loved, perfectly save, and in a perfect state of joy? Leanna believes that is where Cooper is, and yes, it would be selfish to take that away from him just so HER heart can be whole again.
Was she able to accept that readily and without anger? I doubt it.
Do you know the Amish belief that one is obligated to forgive others, no matter how grievous the harm? Do you remember the massacre of Amish girls at their school by a local non-Amish man who then killed himself? Do you remember that the parents of those young girls attended the funeral of their daughters' killer, and told his mother that they forgave him, forgave her, and came to offer her their support?
One of those parents was interviewed years later and he said (greatly paraphrased): "we're obligated by our faith to forgive, immediately, and I did, immediately, but it's not quite that simple. Forgiving is something I had to get up the next day and do again, and the day after that and some days were easier than others, but it was a long, long struggle, and on some days, still is. But I had no choice but to live through that struggle."
That.
