What is considered CONTROLLING?

[rwesafe]

So Nancy defined what it meant to her. You can define what it means to you. I can define it for myself. No one is 'right' and no one is 'wrong.' It is what it is, which is in the eye of the one who feels it.

So why are we debating it then??

Because it is one thing to be trapped in a situation and controlled by the dynamics of that situation and quiet another to be controlled by a person.

 

[jmflu]

Isn't 'control' also a state of mind? If you say I'm not being controlled, but in my rel'p I feel controlled then who's right?

I don't believe control is a state of mind. Someone is either acting in a controlling way, or they aren't.

If my spouse tells me to do something and I do it because I want to avoid a fight or a scene or I want to avoid consequences of not doing it is that 'control?'

Yes. If you are afraid of the repercussions, especially! Although my point is not the way YOU REACT TO IT. It is the fact that they are telling you to do something in the first place.
Who gets to decide the meaning of control? I would think the person in the relationship gets to decide what feels controlling for themselves.

I see very few people who accuse someone of trying to control them that are simply imagining it.
Nancy told people she felt controlled and trapped. You can argue and debate whether she was or wasn't, but in her own mind, she was. She felt it, therefore she defined what it meant to her.

And I think most of us agree with her definition.

My words are in bold.

 

[jmflu]

Not even remotely close enough to call someone controlling.

That depends on whether you are calling them a controlling person or simply trying to control her at that time.

 

[SleuthyGal]

Because it is one thing to be trapped in a situation and controlled by the dynamics of that situation and quiet another to be controlled by a person.

So (you believe that) only another person can decide what constitutes 'controlling' for the person feeling controlled and they also get to determine whether they are controlled by a person or (merely) by their circumstances? Who is this expert who gets to decide this for them?

Nancy decided and thought she was controlled. That's the word she used. That's the word her family/friends used. You reject her definition for herself...btw...we don't know all the ways she thought she was controlled--we only know some of them. But nevertheless, you say she was not controlled. Unfortunately she's no longer here to learn about your definition.

 

[jmflu]

So (you believe that) only another person can decide what constitutes 'controlling' for the person feeling controlled and they also get to determine whether they are controlled by a person or (merely) by their circumstances? Who is this expert who gets to decide this for them?

A judge... I guess!

 

[piedmont]

Everybody has choices. People can attempt to control us and actually be very successful at it if they know us well. Many things you can do to try to control another adult-may or may not work.

But did the murder result from this situation or was it coincidence?

 

[ncsu95]

So (you believe that) only another person can decide what constitutes 'controlling' for the person feeling controlled and they also get to determine whether they are controlled by a person or (merely) by their circumstances? Who is this expert who gets to decide this for them?

Nancy decided and thought she was controlled. That's the word she used. That's the word her family/friends used. You reject her definition for herself...btw...we don't know all the ways she thought she was controlled--we only know some of them. But nevertheless, you say she was not controlled. Unfortunately she's no longer here to learn about your definition.

In that case, Nancy was a controlling person as well and controlled Brad. She proudly announced she had "cut him off".

 

[boxy]

No discussion of controlling would be complete without discussing sex. Wasn't there something about NC telling a friend that she had cut Brad off?

 

[SleuthyGal]

I'd say Nancy lost whatever battle for 'control' was in play. She was murdered. She lost.

 

[jmflu]

In that case, Nancy was a controlling person as well and controlled Brad. She proudly announced she had "cut him off".

I find it interesting that you only need one instance to label Nancy a controlling person, whereas you stated you needed much more than three reasons from me for Brad to be a controlling person.

I would think that a "controlling person" would be marked by continuing efforts throughout his or her lifetime to control other people in his or her life. I believe we see a pattern with Brad given what other people have told us, not just Nancy, who have also had experience with Brad.

 

[jmflu]

I would think that a "controlling person" would be marked by continuing efforts throughout his or her lifetime to control other people in his or her life. I believe we see a pattern with Brad given what other people have told us, not just Nancy, who have also had experience with Brad.

 

[SleuthyGal]

I find it interesting that you only need one instance to label Nancy a controlling person, whereas you stated you needed much more than three reasons from me for Brad to be a controlling person.

yes! Hey NCSU95, What's up with the differing criteria based on who it is we're discussing?

 

[piedmont]

When someone murders you, they have controlled you. Others can only try.

 

[boxy]

I find it interesting that you only need one instance to label Nancy a controlling person, whereas you stated you needed much more than three reasons from me for Brad to be a controlling person.

I would think that a "controlling person" would be marked by continuing efforts throughout his or her lifetime to control other people in his or her life. I believe we see a pattern with Brad given what other people have told us, not just Nancy, who have also had experience with Brad.

I'm pretty sure NC didn't refuse Brad sex on only a single occasion. It sounded like a continuously ongoing refusal.

 

[ncsu95]

yes! Hey NCSU95, What's up with the differing criteria based on who it is we're discussing?

I said "in that case" to try to use the mode of only a couple of things being used to say someone is controlling. I don't think either one of them would fit what I've always considered to be controlling.

 

[piedmont]

Actually, BC has a history of trying to control people by pouting, sulking, right? Not by physical violence.

 

[SleuthyGal]

So you also disagree with RKAB when she described how she felt 'controlled' in her rel'p with Brad? And you disagree with JWB as well?

Do you feel Nancy's murderer controlled her?

Piedmont: yes, his behavior has been described as controlling by others using a variety of psychological/behavior tactics rather than brute force (sulking, pouting, withdrawal, storing up anger and incidents then later exploding, putdowns, guilt, etc).

 

[jmflu]

Actually, BC has a history of trying to control people by pouting, sulking, right? Not by physical violence.

Yes, among other things. Although one must consider the call to Interact. There might be more there that we are not aware of.

 

[jmflu]

I said "in that case" to try to use the mode of only a couple of things being used to say someone is controlling. I don't think either one of them would fit what I've always considered to be controlling.

What is your definition of controlling?

 

[piedmont]

Passive/aggressive people can instill fear in you. You never know what they're up to behind the scenes. They are "predictably unpredictable."

I'm sure finding that list of BC's re accounts, children's likes, etc. sent a chill thru NC. The one thing they never are is direct and non-defensive.