This is not related to any specific post, and I warn you in advance it may be long.
I have been a member of this group since 2008, but have commented once or twice in the past few years; I had to step away for a while after the Caylee Anthony injustice. This is difficult and embarrassing for me to share, but this case has haunted me from day 1 and I need to speak out regarding the issue of Rebecca's "suicide".
Twelve years ago my beloved Mother committed suicide very unexpectedly. She was diagnosed as a Paranoid Schizophrenic when I was in my late 20's and as an only child it was my responsibility to care for her. She had no help raising me, and I had no help caring for her. Because of this we were extremely close and since she didn't show blatant signs of mental illness until later in life I have almost three decades of beautiful memories of my life with her. At the time I was putting myself through school by working days and going to school at night. When she took her medications regularly 99% of the time she appeared completely "normal" and to look at her you wouldn't know she had such deep issues.
*I apologize if I'm starting to ramble here and say things out of sequence, but this is harder than I thought it would be and I have to keep taking breaks to cry. This is a pain that will never go away. I basically not to discuss it or think about it too much because the pain is unbearable. That's how strongly I feel about this case.
To make things a little shorter, I thought everything was going well until one night when everything I knew about life was blown away. As I said, I worked all day, went to school at night; so one night I was still up at a little after midnight when there was a knock at the door. I was told on my door step that my Mother was dead and had shot herself earlier that day. I immediately fell into hysterics, my boyfriend at the time was called to come be with me, but all I remember is sobbing like that for days and being unable to think or do anything for myself. Sorry, I guess I didn't need to get that personal, but I am now an advocate for preventing suicide and always stress to the few groups I talk to just how painful it is for those left behind. I'm more calm now and will try to keep this as unemotional and factual as possible.
My mother did not tie herself in knots, or any of the long ABSURD list of things Rebecca is supposed to have done. She slashed her wrists, and when that didn't work quick enough she shot herself. SHE WANTED IT TO END QUICKLY!! I am aware that some people plan out their suicides in advance and have their plan ready. That is very rare. But I can assure you that not a da** one of them who did went to the trouble of planning something as elaborate or bizarre as Rebecca. Now for my true shame...a few months after the suicide when I was just getting back together, someone thought it necessary to mail me her suicide letter and autopsy out of the blue with no warning. The letter was caked in dried blood and blamed ME...she had happened to go off her meds and was upset that I didn't respond to a trivial remark in an email she had sent that I had no idea would have ever even bothered her. Something else in her life had happened that day that didn't involve me, but that is what set her off. I can't tell you how badly I lost it. There are no words...all I saw was a blood soaked letter blaming me and an impersonal autopsy that had drawings on it of where the bullet entered - I was unable to read it by that point. I was hysterical, blaming myself for my Mother's desk and I ran to the kitchen, picked up the biggest butcher knife I could find and slashed both wrists. As it happens my door was unlocked and my wailing and sobbing had alerted a neighbor who came to check on me. He acted quickly, called an ambulance, and my life was saved. I received wonderful care in during recovery in the hospital that has led to me never trying that again and growing enough from the experience to try to advocate for suicide prevention and removing the stigma from mental illness.
It is only because of my angel of a neighbor that I am alive and there are no words to express my gratitude to him and the sorrow and shame I will always feel towards my loved ones for my actions. But I have shared this with you with you in such emotional detail for one reason: I PERSONALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BLAME YOURSELF FOR SOMEONE'S DEATH AND TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE OVER IT!! I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT HAVING THE PRESENCE OF MIND TO RUN AROUND AND GATHER ROPE, TAPE, PAINT WEIRD PHRASES ON THE WALL AND ALL THE OTHER THINGS REBECCA IS CLAIMED TO HAVE DONE....WITHOUT LEAVING ANY EVIDENCE!!! WHEN YOU ARE IN THAT STATE OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS THAT YOU ARE READY TO END YOUR LIFE YOU GRAB THE CLOSEST THING YOU CAN FIND AND JUST TRY TO GET IT OVER WITH AS FAST AS YOU CAN BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STAND TO BE ON EARTH ONE MINUTE LONGER!!!
I apologize if that came off like a crazy woman ranting, I assure you I am very sane and received years of mental care after my suicide attempt a decade ago, but I am very passionate about this subject. I know some people will argue that no two suicides are the same, everyone is wired differently mentally, etc. Let me add that I spent many years in suicide survivors group therapy sessions and NEVER heard anything as ABSURD as the crap that has been put out about this case, much less the physical evidence involved. And how does someone who is basically bound at the feet and wrist even get onto a ledge, much less well enough to leave a nice neat set of footprints that can somehow be clearly identified as hers. I would struggle if I were trying to climb on a ledge just to reach up to clean a spider web, so how does a completely bound woman accomplish this mission??? She was so distressed that she wanted to end her life, but she made sure to make a nice set of footprints on a ledge she somehow climbed up on. RIGHT!!
I apologize for the length of this post, and the deep emotions that overcame me at times and spilled over into my writing. However, I believe even those facts strengthen the point that a suicidal person or a person feeling guilty over potentially causing someone's death (or in this ridiculously obvious case of something the EXACT OPPOSITE of a suicide) would not behave in the manner in which we are absurdly expected to believe. And this is a little off from the topic of my post, but the face that Asian bondage *advertiser censored* had recently been searched online and that afterwards the same black paint that was used in the message on the wall was on her nipples and AS's boot (or pants...not sure exactly, but I definitely read that somewhere) gives it an especially eerie twist. Thank you for letting me get all of this off my chest...it has been bothering me since the case first broke years ago.
