I'm going to share something I haven't shared before and this is tough. I've seen vaginal trauma and it shook me to the core. A couple of years after our children were raped, we found blood on our most disabled little girl's panties. She was about ten. She shared a bedroom with her adopted sister who was also a rape victim. Both were the same age but not related biologically (a very important factor).
Anyway, when I approached the one daughter, "I", about the blood (thinking she might have started her period), she broke down and cried. She doesn't communicate well as she has ID (intellectual disability--the new term for MR), mild autism, CP, and is deaf. She was a one pound preemie survivor. She wrote me a note, though, which spelled out what happened. She said that she was supposed to bring home something from school for her sister and when she didn't the sister had "hurt" her. Through notes, we determined just what had happened. "A" had made "I" lay down and had inserted a pencil in her vagina. She had broken the skin in several places. We confronted "A" and she immediately confessed saying, "I want her to know how I feel all the time". Remember both had been raped numerous times by an older teen a couple of years prior. By all accounts, both girls had suffered similar attacks. But each human being processes trauma differently.
I have never felt disgust and loathing for a child, never....until that evening. I had to leave the house. I walked and walked and came home and called the police. That evening, I would have given anything to NEVER see "A" again. I didn't believe that I could ever forgive her. I was also seething with anger at the rapist as he changed our children. We were all prepared for the police to tell us that "A" needed to be out of the house but instead they said there was little anyone could do to help us. Neither girl had ever received much therapy as it was determined that, due to their low IQs, they wouldn't benefit. We also begged for help from DHS. They suggested that "A" go on eyes-on supervision and the bedrooms be changed. We followed all directions and that sort of abuse never happened again. However, a year or so later, we caught "A" literally extorting food from "I" and even later, she extorted money.
There was so much rage wrapped up in "A" from her rapes and she never felt that "I" had suffered as much as she had. "A" was also inexplicably jealous of "I" as everyone loved "I". She was gentle and sweet and kind, whereas "A" had some sharp edges. It was really odd as "A's" body was not disabled like "I's" and she is not deaf. But all she could see was that "I" seemed like the princess. To this day, I believe that "A" acted out in pure rage and hatred to her sister.
I've done a lot of research on sexual trauma and the issue of biology comes up over and over. Of course blood relatives do abuse but those not biologically related abuse far more often. There are some studies which say that it's very important for fathers and siblings to see younger children "mothered" as psychologically, that makes them taboo for sexual abuse. They have empathy and a bond. This is an ongoing issue with blended, adoptive and foster families.
I think that Renee was rageful and took out that rage on the child which she saw as competing for the father's attention and love. I would not be shocked to learn that Renee has either a mental illness or a developmental delay of some sort. I'd bet that she was a victim of early sexual abuse. My guess is that she's never abused her own children but I wouldn't be surprised at all to learn that she's spitefully destroyed other's property or hurt pets as revenge. None of these issues give her a pass. However, I always try to look deeper and examine the true motives in horrible crimes. There's so much to learn.
As to our girls, "I" still lives at home and is delightful. She works 15 hours each week and is active in a special needs young women's group. I believe she has healed and moved on. She's a very concrete young woman. "A" was trafficked and is a prostitute. I don't believe that she thinks too highly of herself and that set her up for victimization. And yes, I've forgiven "A" but I will never forget.
Rest peacefully, Dear Lily.
Anyway, when I approached the one daughter, "I", about the blood (thinking she might have started her period), she broke down and cried. She doesn't communicate well as she has ID (intellectual disability--the new term for MR), mild autism, CP, and is deaf. She was a one pound preemie survivor. She wrote me a note, though, which spelled out what happened. She said that she was supposed to bring home something from school for her sister and when she didn't the sister had "hurt" her. Through notes, we determined just what had happened. "A" had made "I" lay down and had inserted a pencil in her vagina. She had broken the skin in several places. We confronted "A" and she immediately confessed saying, "I want her to know how I feel all the time". Remember both had been raped numerous times by an older teen a couple of years prior. By all accounts, both girls had suffered similar attacks. But each human being processes trauma differently.
I have never felt disgust and loathing for a child, never....until that evening. I had to leave the house. I walked and walked and came home and called the police. That evening, I would have given anything to NEVER see "A" again. I didn't believe that I could ever forgive her. I was also seething with anger at the rapist as he changed our children. We were all prepared for the police to tell us that "A" needed to be out of the house but instead they said there was little anyone could do to help us. Neither girl had ever received much therapy as it was determined that, due to their low IQs, they wouldn't benefit. We also begged for help from DHS. They suggested that "A" go on eyes-on supervision and the bedrooms be changed. We followed all directions and that sort of abuse never happened again. However, a year or so later, we caught "A" literally extorting food from "I" and even later, she extorted money.
There was so much rage wrapped up in "A" from her rapes and she never felt that "I" had suffered as much as she had. "A" was also inexplicably jealous of "I" as everyone loved "I". She was gentle and sweet and kind, whereas "A" had some sharp edges. It was really odd as "A's" body was not disabled like "I's" and she is not deaf. But all she could see was that "I" seemed like the princess. To this day, I believe that "A" acted out in pure rage and hatred to her sister.
I've done a lot of research on sexual trauma and the issue of biology comes up over and over. Of course blood relatives do abuse but those not biologically related abuse far more often. There are some studies which say that it's very important for fathers and siblings to see younger children "mothered" as psychologically, that makes them taboo for sexual abuse. They have empathy and a bond. This is an ongoing issue with blended, adoptive and foster families.
I think that Renee was rageful and took out that rage on the child which she saw as competing for the father's attention and love. I would not be shocked to learn that Renee has either a mental illness or a developmental delay of some sort. I'd bet that she was a victim of early sexual abuse. My guess is that she's never abused her own children but I wouldn't be surprised at all to learn that she's spitefully destroyed other's property or hurt pets as revenge. None of these issues give her a pass. However, I always try to look deeper and examine the true motives in horrible crimes. There's so much to learn.
As to our girls, "I" still lives at home and is delightful. She works 15 hours each week and is active in a special needs young women's group. I believe she has healed and moved on. She's a very concrete young woman. "A" was trafficked and is a prostitute. I don't believe that she thinks too highly of herself and that set her up for victimization. And yes, I've forgiven "A" but I will never forget.
Rest peacefully, Dear Lily.
