Mel[/quote]
I work with alot of clients (families). In some cultures, even good old american culture sometimes, some parents have very little day to day contact with their children. In some, a male may view his role as 'provider'. He may see his duty to find a 'mom' for his child, and a 'wife' for himself, and then set about providing for them. He may have little day to day contact, and if he does, perhaps it's at 'ceremonial' times, such as holidays, when there are others around.
I don't know what ABs relationship with his child was. I do, however, know some folks who love their children, but may not have a deep, emotional relationship with them. They just aren't capable.
It could be that AB met this woman, and in a very basic way thought she was unusual, had children that were raised and grown, and that she would be a likely mother for Zahra. He might have enjoyed the same interests, the same hobbies, felt that she was a successful mother before, she would be again.
People show you what they want you to see, especially in the beginning of any relationship. Everyone has different sides. I believe most of us have a 'dark' side, it's just that in most of us, it doesn't develop, or isn't nurtured.
This woman might have begun to change once they were back here, in 'her' element. If she is BPD, she probably did love Zahra. She probably was a good step mom for awhile. But then, the human reality of dealing with another person, one who appears to have been an exceptionally mature, kind and paid attention to person happens. She probably began to resent the child, both for her popularity, and then because she proved a 'real life' responsiblity in a way that she did not want to deal with. She might have come to resent it more and more, and take it out on the child, who I imagine probably did not just accept it. She might have complained to her father, who perhaps chalked it up to a child who had a 'step mom problem'. Perhaps he told Z that she would have to work it out with step mom. Perhaps he told Step mom that she would have to deal with Z, and left them both to it.
The Austrailian men, guys who are 'working blokes' that I've worked with, for the most part, are a pretty basis 'men's men' sort of fellow. They aren't into 'feelings' and deep emotional displays of feeling. They might feel, but in their world, a man is a man and he takes care of things in private and puts on a stoic face. I had an Austrailian client one time who had a very sad loss who after telling me, put his hands on his lap, sighed and then said 'well, alright then, nothing to do but get off to work'.
I'm not saying they don't feel, but many men cope with things differently, and coming from a different culture, this can be even greater.
anyway, just some thoughts, and M O O.
have a good morning everyone.[/QUOTE]
Whichever way you look at it, Zahra's feelings and needs were obviously not met. I think we can toss around the psychological aspects between the union of a lonely Aussie caveman + the American interest until we are blue in the face. The fundamental issue is - drugs + money issues + lies + a dysfunctional home life + self-centred adults = tragedy for the innocent parties associated with such a life. Australian, American, English meh .... it occurs in every culture.
I've maintained the same feelings all along - I am so sad this has happened to such an obviously divine, beautiful little girl. But, I'm so thankful this didn't happen here in Aus, LE in the USA mange it so brilliantly and do it so well. I'm extremely confident there will be justice for Zahra. The other Australian WS'ers can attest to how Police and DOCS have a knack for sweeping such crimes under the carpet.
