NV NV - Steven T. Koecher, 30, Henderson, 13 Dec 2009 - # 4

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webrocket said:
Flying internationally without luggage? Why would he not sell the car and just leave it on the stree then?
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Courier job, delivering something to Brazil? Wouldn't even have to be anything illicit.

And left the car because he thought he was coming back for it.

Ran into trouble when he got there, or remembered how much he loved it and decided not to come back.
 
believe09 said:
I wonder if anyone can weigh in on Steven's personality-did he have the capacity to plan something like this? What I am trying to get to is that planning a disappearance in this fashion sort of leads me to believe that a man who could put his loved ones through this is a man who either felt his choices were limited here or he had a little sadism (maybe the wrong word...) in his makeup.
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I'm not a psychologist and even if I were I would not be able to analyze anyone on the internet like this. Having said that, I think I understand Steven's mindset. That of course, means that I am starting with a few assumptions which are not shared by a significant percentage of those weighing in on his threads.

I have thought from day one that Steven is gay. ASSUMING that to be true, that identity is at odds with his church and I would assume his family as well. The problem here is not the reality of his choices; rather his perception of them.

There are probably tens of thousands of openly gay Mormons or former Mormons living in Utah. I think in Steven's mind he could not reconcile being LDS and being gay. Had he sat down and spoken to a therapist, he or she might have been able to work out this dilemma but in the end that advice would have led him to a point he could not bring himself to and that was to open up to his family. So he did not seek out that advice.

He could not speak to his family about it as he perceived that he would not be fully embraced by them (correct or incorrect perception). He certain could not talk to church people as that was part of the identity he was part of. So he saw his choices as this - stick with family and church and remain closeted with have no meaningful intimate relationships with another adult or to leave family and church behind and embrace what he had been suppressing for some time. Without any close support system to confide in, what he was trapped in his own mind.

I'm not sure that he saw this as causing the family harm but I don't know enough about LDS mindsets (I'm sure they run the gamut like every other group). If he boxed himself into that set of false choices, then he may have chosen one that felt like his best route to be who he wanted to be while minimizing family pain.

I am not saying he did not consider their worries. But if he convinced himself that his family would never accept a gay son, then he may have felt like he was doing them a favor by leaving.
 
I agree, webrocket. If he were gay, that might very well be the box he found himself in.

He might even have tried to bring up the subject and been rebuffed or rejected -- wonder if that's why the move to St. George in the first place? Or if he was trying to forget somebody he was involved with?
 
I totally agree, Webrocket, if that was the situation it might well explain why he would want to just leave everything behind.

Maybe his partner was waiting for him in another car, or he was going to meet him somewhere.

I don't know whether that's actually the case, but it's certainly a plausible scenario.
 
liz b. said:
I have held the theory that Steven was looking for work when he disappeared. But,try as I might, I cannot visualize any scenario that has a potential employer murdering him, either in a home in Anthem, or out on the links. The stats of people murdered while interviewing for a job must be tiny ; in fact I have never heard of it happening.
The family at one time thought Steven might have gone to Brazil, where he had done a mission at one time. He speaks Portrugese, and has his passport with him ; I thought that might have somehow happened. But, then I found out from the Brazilian Consulate that any American entering Brazil MUST have an entry visa. It would have left a very easy paper trail. I wonder if LE or the family have pursued that ?
I also wondered if that actually is Steven on that brief,grainy video. Yes, I know the family thinks it is ... But, the scenthounds never picked up any trace of him at all. Odd.
So, all that's really left is that Steven (if it is him) , was meeting someone,going someplace with someone, in a vehicle. I'm guessing that he walked to a home, and the person(s) was/were waiting for him in the vehicle.
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BBM. There have been alot of crime against people answering employement adds especially through Craigslist. In the grand scheme of things they are probably few. One I can think of off the top of my head was a man who pretended he needed to hire a nanny for his kids. He killed a woman responding to his add.
 
Oh I think that the possibility of Steven wanting to live a lifestyle outside of the environment he was in would require a break in his mind. But, it isnt just the physical disappearance...people walk away from their lives for a lot of reasons, but why not just leave? Write a note and go...why the deception if this was a choice? Why dump the car, and poof? I mean, you have to be pretty bad at confrontation to solve your problems this way.

I can also see him believing he was boxed in to a certain decision-he would have had to perceived himself as trapped or he would have just made a decision to pursue his dreams knowing he was a 30 year old adult, rather than having a lens that would require him to be mysterious....if he disappeared under his own steam.

Hmmm
 
SuziQ said:
BBM. There have been alot of crime against people answering employement adds especially through Craigslist. In the grand scheme of things they are probably few. One I can think of off the top of my head was a man who pretended he needed to hire a nanny for his kids. He killed a woman responding to his add.
Click to expand...

One of the reasons I am trying to get to Steven as a man is that I could also see the man as I understand him being lured by something....whether it was the promise of money or postion...but not necessarily knowing something might have been against the law.

I guess what I am saying badly is that he doesnt seem to have had the darker side of someone who might have knowingly entered into something on the edge...but I cannot get a handle on this guy with what we have!!! Was he private or deceptive? Shy or mysterious? Sweet and outgoing or was he into betting on dogfights on the side....know what I mean?? :banghead:
 
That question about Steven's personality is THE question, isn't it ? I saw him as an easy going guy, not one to make waves at all ; I believed him to be fairly uncomplicated,and not one to think deeply about much of anything. A very loving and kind young guy.And then I read that article that he wrote about the gay issue and that small town in Utah. Assuming that he wrote it himself, I found it to be quite an eye opener ; the person who wrote that was quite a sophisticated thinker. He is also adept at hiding what he actually believes. I realized after I read it that I knew very little about Steven ; he might well be capable of things we haven't imagined.
 
Liz b - I heard about this article is there a link - interested in reading it - see if I can get a better handle on him. I agree he seems like a very kind guy hmmm.

Sometimes I wish we could have a discussion circle with some of the family & throw around ideas & understand Steven more. I think understanding him better may be the key hmmm the wheels are spinning in my head
 
liz b. said:
That question about Steven's personality is THE question, isn't it ? I saw him as an easy going guy, not one to make waves at all ; I believed him to be fairly uncomplicated,and not one to think deeply about much of anything. A very loving and kind young guy.And then I read that article that he wrote about the gay issue and that small town in Utah. Assuming that he wrote it himself, I found it to be quite an eye opener ; the person who wrote that was quite a sophisticated thinker. He is also adept at hiding what he actually believes. I realized after I read it that I knew very little about Steven ; he might well be capable of things we haven't imagined.
Click to expand...

Work slowed down a bit today so I thought I'd pop in.

I love this observation! Steven is just like what you describe here. He's easy-going, but his thoughts do go deep. I had never read the article you referenced until he disappeared and like you said, it's very well written. He did a wonderful job of exploring the issue without clouding it with his own opinions.

There's been some discussion about questions that come up often and where we stand on them. I thought I'd just give you a quick list of things I'm still looking into in my sloth-like way.
-GW
-What you all can do to help the fam
-Getting more LE agencies involved
-Contacting cab companies
-Getting video from IHOP

There were some great questions on the first page and I'll be happy to answer them. I'm going to answer through Laytionian though. She's got quite a groove going and I don't want to throw her off!

Thanks again for sticking through this everyone!
 
The main things that stands out to me about why Steven would not plan his disappearance is:
He has a dad who is a journalist and probably has many friends in the newspaper world.
His brother is also a journalist.
He has a large family.
Members of his family are very computer literate.
He has many friends, from Amarillo, TX, to Brazil, to Utah and Nevada.
He is a member of a large church organization.

He would have to know that his disappearing would cause a huge ripple effect.
It just does not seem to fit into the personality of Steven that I can see or that I get a sense of.

I can see that if he was gay or depressed about his life that he would disappear and on the way out of town, send a letter to his parents.

Or by this time, seeing all the ruckus this has caused family and friends that he would
mail a letter or call the police and say, I am fine, just leave me alone.

But, no, he did not do any of those things.
What we have, is a security camera video of Steven driving by, then walking by at noon, striding confidently down a street.
Nothing else.

Something happened the afternoon of Dec. 13, 2009.
Something that caused Steven to snap or
something was done to Steven.

I hope there is another large search this weekend for Steven.
 
webrocket said:
I'm not a psychologist and even if I were I would not be able to analyze anyone on the internet like this. Having said that, I think I understand Steven's mindset. That of course, means that I am starting with a few assumptions which are not shared by a significant percentage of those weighing in on his threads.

I have thought from day one that Steven is gay. ASSUMING that to be true, that identity is at odds with his church and I would assume his family as well. The problem here is not the reality of his choices; rather his perception of them.

There are probably tens of thousands of openly gay Mormons or former Mormons living in Utah. I think in Steven's mind he could not reconcile being LDS and being gay. Had he sat down and spoken to a therapist, he or she might have been able to work out this dilemma but in the end that advice would have led him to a point he could not bring himself to and that was to open up to his family. So he did not seek out that advice.

He could not speak to his family about it as he perceived that he would not be fully embraced by them (correct or incorrect perception). He certain could not talk to church people as that was part of the identity he was part of. So he saw his choices as this - stick with family and church and remain closeted with have no meaningful intimate relationships with another adult or to leave family and church behind and embrace what he had been suppressing for some time. Without any close support system to confide in, what he was trapped in his own mind.

I'm not sure that he saw this as causing the family harm but I don't know enough about LDS mindsets (I'm sure they run the gamut like every other group). If he boxed himself into that set of false choices, then he may have chosen one that felt like his best route to be who he wanted to be while minimizing family pain.

I am not saying he did not consider their worries. But if he convinced himself that his family would never accept a gay son, then he may have felt like he was doing them a favor by leaving.
Click to expand...


I will go out on a limb here and say that while I feel this is a very plausible scenario I am a little uneasy with Steven's sudden disappearance.

What is your thought on the fact that he was at a 55+ community? imo, Although he is a 30 yo, Steven appears to have a vulnerability/instability to him that suggests his emotional age is not par with his chronological age. This might make him a target for someone experienced with manipulation.
 
webrocket said:
I'm not a psychologist and even if I were I would not be able to analyze anyone on the internet like this. Having said that, I think I understand Steven's mindset. That of course, means that I am starting with a few assumptions which are not shared by a significant percentage of those weighing in on his threads.

I have thought from day one that Steven is gay. ASSUMING that to be true, that identity is at odds with his church and I would assume his family as well. The problem here is not the reality of his choices; rather his perception of them.

There are probably tens of thousands of openly gay Mormons or former Mormons living in Utah. I think in Steven's mind he could not reconcile being LDS and being gay. Had he sat down and spoken to a therapist, he or she might have been able to work out this dilemma but in the end that advice would have led him to a point he could not bring himself to and that was to open up to his family. So he did not seek out that advice.

He could not speak to his family about it as he perceived that he would not be fully embraced by them (correct or incorrect perception). He certain could not talk to church people as that was part of the identity he was part of. So he saw his choices as this - stick with family and church and remain closeted with have no meaningful intimate relationships with another adult or to leave family and church behind and embrace what he had been suppressing for some time. Without any close support system to confide in, what he was trapped in his own mind.

I'm not sure that he saw this as causing the family harm but I don't know enough about LDS mindsets (I'm sure they run the gamut like every other group). If he boxed himself into that set of false choices, then he may have chosen one that felt like his best route to be who he wanted to be while minimizing family pain.

I am not saying he did not consider their worries. But if he convinced himself that his family would never accept a gay son, then he may have felt like he was doing them a favor by leaving.
Click to expand...

To Steven Koecher:

Steven, if this is true or if anything similar to this is true, please know that we love you no matter what. There is nothing that you could do or be that would cause us to not love you. You are part of this family forever. We love you and we always will.
Love,
KC
 
capoly said:
I will go out on a limb here and say that while I feel this is a very plausible scenario I am a little uneasy with Steven's sudden disappearance.

What is your thought on the fact that he was at a 55+ community? imo, Although he is a 30 yo, Steven appears to have a vulnerability/instability to him that suggests his emotional age is not par with his chronological age. This might make him a target for someone experienced with manipulation.
Click to expand...

I don't think Steven was manipulated. It is my belief that the guy he hooked up with is older, but age is all relative. I suspect the other fellow was familiar with the area but does not live there. If it is your intent to disappear, then the less trail you leave the better.

The family says there was nothing apparent on his computer and the cell phone records all check out. I have said before that if someone is giving you directions they will do so by phone or email. Steven either deleted recent history on his computer and/or had a separate prepaid cell phone to make calls in connection with his exit.

He was behind on his rent and failed to use family funds to pay the rent so that tells me he did not intend to remain in St. George.
 
:wave: Hi Naegle, see you are here. Any chance you can take a look at post #19 of this thread to look at some of our questions? TIA

A couple other questions I received today are:

Did Steven have hobbies? What were his hobbies?
Favorite color?
Did he still talk to people in Brazil (not everyone stays in contact w/people from their missions)?
Did he ever talk about his dreams, ambitions, goals?
Was he still interested in being a journalist or communications?
Was he serious? A jokester? Silly? A combo?

Thanks again.
 
webrocket said:
I don't think Steven was manipulated. It is my belief that the guy he hooked up with is older, but age is all relative. I suspect the other fellow was familiar with the area but does not live there. If it is your intent to disappear, then the less trail you leave the better.

The family says there was nothing apparent on his computer and the cell phone records all check out. I have said before that if someone is giving you directions they will do so by phone or email. Steven either deleted recent history on his computer and/or had a separate prepaid cell phone to make calls in connection with his exit.

He was behind on his rent and failed to use family funds to pay the rent so that tells me he did not intend to remain in St. George.
Click to expand...

We can agree to disagree on the manipulation aspect. For while I do agree that age is relative, being in the 55+ group myself, I would be very wary of a peer who would encourage deceptive behavior rather than encourage a young man to face his fears and stand proud.
 
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