Here is a list of Controlling Behaviors as listed in numerous Domestic Violence websites.
Controlling Behaviors
Batterers have many ways of manipulating and controlling their partners. Battering behavior often "starts small" and escalates to more severe abuse. Abuse also can go through a series of cycles, with each successive period of abuse more extreme than the last.
* VERBAL ABUSE
o Name-calling, put-downs, insults
o Making degrading comments, i.e. "you can't do anything right"
o Yelling and swearing
* FINANCIAL ABUSE
o Controlling all decisions about money
o Taking any money earned by partner
o Keeping everything in the batterer's name
o Preventing partner from working or getting more training and education
o Emptying bank accounts, spending money on self
o Doling out an "allowance" only when partner is compliant
o Making partner financially dependent and helpless
o Compulsive gambling or spending, running up credit card debts
o Destroying partner's credit rating
* USING GENDER ROLES TO DOMINATE
o Claiming religious or cultural traditions to justify dominating partner
o Giving commands and orders
o Always claiming to be right
o (Heterosexual female) Claiming that men are inferior, "pigs" or "the oppressors"
o (Heterosexual male) Claiming male superiority and "rationality"
o (Gay/lesbian) Claiming batterer should be in control because he or she is more "butch"
o (Gay/lesbian) Ridiculing partner for being "too butch," "too femme," or "too stereotyped," "flaming," etc.
* PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE
o Playing mind-games
o Ignoring the partner's feelings
o "Twisting things around," blaming the partner for the abuse
o Minimizing the abuse, telling partner that "it's not that bad"
o Exploiting advantages in intelligence or education, ridiculing partner for differences
o Using "reason" to "logically" attack partner's feelings, opinions, or beliefs
* SPIRITUAL ABUSE
o Claiming spiritual authority for abuse or domination
o Belittling or criticizing partner's spiritual beliefs, religion or church
o Belittling or criticizing partner's religious heritage or family's religion
o Not allowing partner to follow own worship or spiritual practices
o Using "logic" and "reasoning" to attack partner's beliefs
o Forcing partner to adopt batterer's own belief system and practices
o Forcing partner to become part of an abusive cult
o Threatening to expose partner's belief in a minority religion to people she (he) doesn't want to know about it
o Threatening to use partner's spiritual beliefs or religion to get custody of children
* ISOLATION
o Monitoring and/or restricting telephone calls (and/or e-mail, etc)
o Limiting or cutting off contact with the partner's friends and family
o Humiliating partner or acting out in front of partner's friends so they stay away; threatening or intimidating partner's friends
o Restricting or denying partner's access to transportation
o Forcing partner to move to isolated location
o Monitoring all mail
o Forcing partner to quit job, volunteer work, etc
o Forcing partner to cut back on work hours or change jobs "to spend more time with me"
o Insisting on going everywhere with partner
* INTIMIDATION
o Using greater size and strength to instill fear
o Blocking exits, "cornering" partner, locking doors
o Destroying valued possessions, furniture or property
o Threatening to harm children or pets
o Threatening to report partner to social services for abusing children
o Threatening to harm family or friends for helping partner
o Threatening to turn in a partner for a petty crime, being an illegal immigrant, using drugs, etc
o (gay/lesbian) Threatening to "out" partner to family or employers
o Using threatening looks and gestures (raised fist, etc)
o Displaying or talking about weapons
o Threatening suicide if partner leaves or tries to make changes
* SEXUAL ABUSE
o Using coercion or force to get sex when partner doesn't want it
o Physically attacking and hurting specific body parts (genitals, breasts, etc)
o Preventing the use of birth control and/or safe sex practices
* PHYSICAL ABUSE
o Pushing, throwing objects, tripping
o Hitting, choking, pulling hair, dragging partner, throwing partner into walls or onto the floor
o Coercing or forcing partner to use drugs or alcohol against his or her will
o Hurting or killing pets
o Abusing partner's children
o Using a weapon against partner
o Murdering partner's children
o Murdering partner
